


Invisible Stars

by themidnightartemis



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Assault, Attempted Sexual Assault, Dreams, Drug Dealing, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Foster Care, Graphic Description, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Multiverse, Near Death Experiences, POV Alternating, POV First Person, Past Drug Use, Past Poe Dameron/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Reincarnation, Rey Needs A Hug (Star Wars), School Dances, Soft Ben Solo, Star-crossed, Suicide Attempt, Teenage Drama, background stormpilot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:53:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 43
Words: 113,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23852629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themidnightartemis/pseuds/themidnightartemis
Summary: He’s going to fall off that and die. “You should get down from there.”“Why, princess? Scared I’ll fall?”“No.” I grumble. Yes. Actually. “I’m not a princess.”Ben slides off the rail to his feet and leans back against it. “So, what did Dameron tell you about me? Did he tell you everything?”“I know everything I need to know about you.” There’s a fire in my gut, protective of Poe. Where did this guy get off? Being an asshole?“You do?” He raises his eyebrows in mock surprise. “Oh, you do.”
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 172
Kudos: 209





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This work is in progress. As such, tags and warnings may change. Chapters with potentially triggering content will be marked to the best of the author's ability. This entire work deals with childhood trauma and abuse, drug abuse, and the mental health effects thereof. Suicide is referenced and potentially will play a role in the plot. 
> 
> Please, if you or someone you know is dealing with mental health issues or thoughts of suicide, there are resources for you. Also know that you are not alone. May the force be with you <3
> 
> National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255  
> SAMHSA Hotline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Pack yourself a toothbrush dear  
> Pack yourself a favorite blouse  
> Take a withdrawal slip  
> Take all of your savings out  
> ‘Cause if we don’t leave this town  
> We might never make it out.”
> 
> -Sleep On The Floor, The Lumineers

The call came suddenly like it always did. A new home. A new foster parent. A new school. At least this time I would be starting right at the beginning of the year. That was easier. I could work with that. I only hoped that this one would last. 

I had my small bag of things packed within five minutes and I sat waiting anxiously on the edge of my government-issued co-housing bed. I wondered what shitty luck the universe had decided to drop on me this time. 

It wasn’t that I was a bad kid. I tried to keep my head low, my grades high… it’s just that I usually got the short stick when it came to foster parents. The bad eggs. The abusers who somehow slipped through the cracks of the shitshow that is the United States child protective services. 

It had become some sort of sick game for me. I move into a new home and it’s okay for a few days, weeks even. Then the abuse would start and I would start gathering evidence. When I had enough I’d wait until a particularly bad day to call the cops, drop the evidence, and get their licenses revoked. 

I was a survivor. I could take the punches, the days without food, the yelling, and everything in between, but others couldn’t.

I check my watch and grab my bag. Time to go. My caseworker and house mom are waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs. My caseworker is a tall, skinny woman with white-blond hair and a kind face. She tried her best, she really did. It wasn’t her fault I always found the worst homes. My house mom, known affectionately as Aunt Z, was much the opposite, short, large, and with a permanent scowl on her face. I also couldn’t blame her for that. She had to deal with all the girls who came through. I had only known her for two months, but that was long enough to know that she had a big heart. My heart hurts a little at the thought of leaving her, but I had very little control over where they sent me. Miss Holdo, my caseworker, breaks into a huge grin at the sight of me. “Miss Niima! All ready to go?”

I nod. It wasn’t like I had much of a choice. 

“Girls,” Aunt Z barks. “Get in here and say goodbye to Rey.”

I bite my lip. I didn’t want a big send-off. I hardly knew most of the girl’s names. I only ever talked to most of them at group therapy sessions. It was better to not get attached. One by one, they trailed in. There were six of us in total. Most of them mumbled a goodbye and slunk back out of the room, but Ara raced up to hug me with tears in her eyes. She was the youngest of the group and had grown attached to me over the course of the summer. I hugged her back. 

“It’s okay. I’ll make sure to text you and visit if I can.” She sniffled back her tears and I ruffled her red hair. 

“Alright, time's a-wastin. On with you.” Aunt Z grumbled but affectionately patted my shoulder. It was her version of a hug.

Miss Holdo smiled and I followed her out the door, chatting as we walked to the car. “I think I found a good one, Rey.” Her eyes were a little guilty. “We’ve had really good success with her in the past. She only takes cases like yours and as soon as she saw your profile, she called me to ask about you.”

 _Great._ I tried to hold back that flicker of hope in my subconscious. I had gotten my hopes up before and, yet, here I was again. I got in the passenger seat of Miss Holdo’s car and immediately took a piece of gum from the container on her dashboard. She started the car and I buckled up. She handed me the AUX cord as she always did. 

I plugged the cord into my beat-up iPhone and started scrolling through my songs. Hozier sounded good. “Where are we headed?”

“Not far, just an hour. Republic.”

Republic. I had never been. New school. New people. New everything, then. Okay. “And this foster mom?”

“Unmarried. A bit older, in her fifties. She seemed very nice and very interested in you. She runs a tavern on the northeast side of town by the river.”

I frown. “Is she going to make me work there?”

“No. She told me that she likes to keep her work separate from her home life, especially when there is alcohol involved. She let me check her cupboards. There’s not a drop of alcohol in that house, Rey.”

I breathe a sigh of relief. “Okay.”

“I did a super thorough inspection. Even called her previous cases. They all stayed with her until they came of age. I really think this could be a good fit for you, Rey.”

In other words- don’t fuck it up. All I wanted was to put my head down and get through junior year in peace. “If you say so.”

We drive in silence. I look out the window watching the town of Jakku, Vermont slide away into the past. Holdo is bobbling along to the music and I close my eyes, soaking it in. 

It’s late afternoon when Republic appears in front of us. Worn down houses and trailer parks line the streets of the southside. There are sketchy gas stations and abandoned storefronts. People sit on their porches and stand on corners, their eyes watching Holdo’s sleek black car as we drive past. I’m waiting for her to put her blinker on and turn off the main road towards one of the broken-down houses or parks, but she keeps going. The cracked sidewalks get a little nicer, the storefronts, less abandoned. We pass through two stoplights and then we’re crossing over a river and a trainyard. This side of the river, the houses are nicer, many of them newly renovated. We pass through a downtown shopping area filled with little boutiques, an ice cream shop, an old fashioned movie theater, a coffee shop. It’s quaint, perfect. “I think you missed your turn.”

Miss Holdo laughs. “Nope.”

Shit. Well, okay. I’d dealt with rich fosters before. It didn’t end well for them. Let’s just say that the dad was a little too hands-on. The anxiety is back in my chest. I worry my lip between my teeth. The downtown area slowly morphs into old historic houses and residential housing. 

“I want to show you your new school first.” She seems much too excited. We keep driving until the historic houses have turned into rows of newer developments and gated communities. She takes a turn and we pull into the parking lot of a huge tan building. New Republic High School is marked on the side in large silver block letters. The front is filled with huge windows and the inside looks incredibly new and clean with white walls and wide stairs and solid oak doors leading to classrooms and offices. 

I raise my eyebrows and Miss Holdo chuckles at my shocked look. “I know. It’s huge. Some of the best teachers in the state work here. They were very impressed with your transcripts, especially with everything you’ve been through. They still want you to take some placement tests, but they’re excited to have you.”

“Oh, okay.” I think I’m in shock, just a little bit. It all seemed too good to be true. Everything was completely different from the shitty schools in Jakku.

“Oh, shoot. We better go, I don’t want you to be late to meet her.” Holdo sped us out of the parking lot and back towards town. We pass by the new developments and into the historic district. We turn down a tree-lined road filled with huge Victorian, Colonial, and 1920s style houses. Everything seems picturesque, each lawn trimmed and cared for, the vines perfectly placed. Holdo slows and we pull up in front of a tiny 1920s bungalow. I breathe a little sigh of relief that it’s not one of the giant houses that flank either side. There’s a huge, old oak tree out front, a little brick path leads to the steps of the porch. There’s a light on. A white swinging bench is hung from the porch roof. The siding is painted almost a teal, seafoam green-blue with white trim. Flowers line the house and there’s a seashell wind chime hanging from the porch. My nerves make my stomach twist. 

Holdo turns off the car and we get out. She grabs her bag of paperwork and we start up the path. I’m holding my breath as we climb the stairs of the porch and Miss Holdo knocks on the door. 

“Oh! One second, one second! I’m here.” The door swings open and I look down at the smallest woman I think I’ve ever seen. She can’t be more than four-six, four-seven. I tower over her at five-eight. Her eyes are huge behind her round, black, thick-framed glasses. Her grey hair is coiffed perfectly and she’s dressed like she’s been working in the garden all day. I smile. She opens her screen door and beckons us in. “Come in, please. I hope you’re hungry. I made burgers on the grill. It’s such a nice day out and I couldn’t resist. Oh, where are my manners? You must be Rey. I’m Maz. Maz Kanata. I would prefer Maz over Mrs. Kanata, but,” she clicks her tongue. “I’ll also take ma.”

I’m completely overwhelmed. I glance at Miss Holdo and she shrugs. The door opens straight into the living room which is filled with an eclectic assortment of chairs and a couch. Art hangs on almost every surface and there’s a small TV over the fireplace. It’s warm and inviting if a bit chaotic. A set of stairs leads up to a second floor. We follow Maz through the living room and into a large kitchen. Everything seems like it was pulled out of a vintage magazine and cobbled together with love and color. There’s theory to the chaos. An archway leads to a dining room with a huge colorful table and none of the chairs match. A door in the kitchen leads to another porch outside. This one isn’t covered, but it overlooks the backyard. I can’t help but gasp at it. Stone paths circle raised garden beds. There are a hoop house and a pond and a bench beside a huge fir tree surrounded by flowerbeds. It’s beautiful. What the hell is happening?

There’s a table on the porch beside a grill and it’s been set for three. Maz hurries over. She’s awfully fast for an old woman. “Sit, sit. Please. I wasn’t sure if either of you were vegetarians, so I made some bean burgers that can make even a carnivore cry.”

I smile and take a seat. Shock. Yep. Definitely in shock. What’s the catch? Maz builds our burgers and piles our plates high with chips and fresh fruits and vegetables. She pours us a glass of lemonade each and finally, takes a seat. I hesitate, looking between Holdo and Maz, unsure of the protocol. Everyone was different. Maz's huge eyes glance at my plate. “Well, eat up, hun. You’re as skinny as a stick.”

I eagerly dig in and moan. It’s so good. “This is the best burger I’ve ever had.”

“Good. I’ll teach you how to make them. Now, business is best discussed over a good meal, let’s get on with all the legal mumbo-jumbo.” Maz winks at me and I giggle to myself. She was definitely different, like no foster I’d met before. 

“Right.” Miss Holdo wipes her fingers on a napkin and pulls out my case file. It was far too thick and I glance at Maz, but she didn't seem fazed. Right. She would have seen it. “Miss Niima is to remain in your care for the foreseeable future. She will be taking classes at New Republic High, as we discussed. We will have weekly check-ins in person for the first two months. And if all parties are comfortable after those two months, we will move to bi-monthly check-ins until Miss Niima turns of age on October 13th, 2021, one year and two months from now. Miss Niima will also continue to go to group therapy sessions once a week with the local therapist. I believe you’ve already contacted him and gotten an introduction session set up?”

“Oh, yes.” Maz pulls a card out of her pocket. “Here’s the number and the date and time of the appointment.” She looks at me. “Wednesday afternoon, once you get out of school. But, we can schedule around any after school activities you want to take on.”

“After school activities?” My jaw drops. I’d never been given the opportunity.

“Oh yes, they have a billion different little groups and teams there. I’m sure you’ll find something.”

“Okay.” Holdo grins. “All I need for you to do is sign and Rey is in your care.”

I sign and then Maz signs. It didn’t take a lot for me to sign my life away. It was signed away a long time ago. This wouldn’t last, it never did. 

“Now.” Maz folds her hands together. “I like to set down my expectations for you in front of your caseworker so that we can all be on the same page. If that’s okay?”

Again, not like I have much of a choice. I nod, curious to know. “Yeah. Yes.”

“School comes first. You can get a job if you want to, but you have to keep up your grades. Judging by your past transcripts though, that won’t be much of a problem, but I know that junior year comes with a lot of stress. I will make sure that you are safe, fed, and clothed. It’s up to you how you want to take my hospitality. I’ll hold you responsible for your actions, and breaking rules will have consequences. All the rules are posted on the fridge and you are welcome to discuss them with me at any time if you would like to amend them or add more. Okay?”

I nod.

“School night curfew is 10 pm. For every time you’re more than five minutes late, that curfew will be moved up by fifteen minutes. Weekends, we will start at 11 pm and go from there. There’s also a list of chores you’ll have to complete. They’re designed to help you become a self-sufficient adult. So, you’ll do your own laundry and clean your own room and dishes. You’ll also help me cook and work in the garden on the weekends. But,” Maz’s large eyes go very serious, and I still myself for the catch. “Above all, I want you to build relationships and trust. Trust goes both ways, Rey. You have mine, right now. From the start. If and when you have problems, I want you to be able to come to me. I will never call anyone on you as long as there’s no immediate harm to anyone. I’m on your side. And, I’m here for the long term. That means we work through our problems, together, okay?”

That was not the catch I was expecting. My heart is racing and I feel like I’m about to cry. It’s too good to be true. I guess I would believe her when I see it. “I- yeah… Okay.”

Maz smiles. “Good. School starts in the morning. I’ll be starting you off on a twenty-five dollar allowance. It should be enough for snacks at school and coffee with friends. If there are any other supplies you want, talk to me and I’ll see if I can get them for you. How’s that sound?”

“Okay. Twenty-five a month is more than I usually get, so-”

Maz chuckles. “No, sweetie. Twenty-five a week.”

My eyes go wide. “Oh.” 

“I’ll be taking you to school and picking you up, but if you want to start learning to drive, I can make that happen. This is going to take a lot of communication, Rey. Probably a lot more than you’re comfortable with. But you can ask me any questions you want, okay?”

I nod, feeling overwhelmed. 

“How are you feeling, Rey?” Miss Holdo looks over at me, a gleam in her eye. 

“Ah… A little overwhelmed. I guess.”

“That’s perfectly normal. Should I let you get settled in?”

“Yeah.” I glance at Maz and she’s happily biting into her burger. She’s strange, but… I think I like her. 

“You have my number, so don’t be afraid to call. I’ll see you Saturday morning at ten, okay?” Miss Holdo stands to leave and grabs her paperwork. “Thank you for the dinner, Maz.”

“Any time, hun. You should call more.” Maz raises her eyebrows. 

“Sorry, Maz. I will. I promise.” Miss Holdo gives Maz a small hug and I’m left bewildered. 

Maz sees my face and chuckles. “Long before she was your social worker, Rey, Amilyn was causing quite a bit of trouble for me.”

I suddenly understand Holdo’s certainty that I would be a good fit here. “You were in the system?”

Holdo nods. “Almost didn’t get out of it, if it wasn’t for Maz. She’s a good one, Rey. I promise. Just keep that nose out of trouble.”

“I don’t go looking for it,” I grumble. Holdo smiles and bids her goodbye. Maz gives a big old sigh and starts gathering plates. I automatically grab my plates and follow her into the kitchen. 

“Just put the scraps in the compost bin and set your things on the counter. I’ll take care of it tonight. The rules are on the fridge if you want to read them over and sign them. We can discuss any of them that you want to.” Maz steps up on to a stool so that she can reach into the sink and starts running water for dishes. 

I shyly make my way over to the fridge and read the list. It’s what she basically already told me plus a few extra notes about cleanliness and food. Anything not marked in the fridge is fair game. Shower regularly. Add necessities to the shopping list before Friday. All of it was already more room than I had ever been given in most households, that is beside the ones that didn’t give a shit. The last bullet just says- Respect is built. Love is given freely. Responsibility is learned. Trust goes both ways. Beside the rule list is a whiteboard daily chore chart. Weeding the garden is marked for Saturday and Sunday (subject to weather). Clean dishes and homework are marked every day. Sweep is marked every other day. _Laundry_ and _clean room_ are unmarked. The date of school starting and my therapy appointment is marked in red on a calendar. Despite the eclectic feel of her house, Maz seems incredibly organized. I pick up one of the markers stuck to the fridge and sign the rule list. I date it. 

“All good?” Maz is waiting for me at the entrance to the living room. I nod and she gestures for me to follow her. I climb the stairs behind her and we end in a hallway. There’s a door in front of us, and another to my left and right. Maz gestures to the door in front of her. “My room. You need anything at any time and I’m in there you can _knock_.” She points to the door on my right. “That’s the office. There’s a computer in there that you can use to research, watch your Youtube videos. Though I think they give out laptops at that school now. I don’t know, I’m not the most technologically up today as the kids these days. I apologize in advance. There’s no cable and I can’t figure out the Apple TV doo-dangle-thing.” She points to a half-open door on the right side of the hall. “That’s your bathroom. I never go in there so, you’re responsible for telling me when shit breaks. I went out and got you some supplies, but if there’s anything else you need, let me know. Now…” Maz opens the final door on my left and flips on a light. She leads me into a simple room, painted cream and blue stripes. There’s a twin bed covered in a white comforter pressed against the wall, a wooden desk under the window, a dresser against the wall with a record player and a box of records, and an open door to a walk-in closet that looks like it’s filled with clothes. I can’t help but stop and stare. 

“This is mine?” I set my one bag down at my feet. 

“All yours, hun. You can arrange it and paint it how you want. Most of this stuff is leftover from previous girls. You can have whatever you want and anything else, I can put in storage. I think Jyn left a lot of her old clothes and you’re about her size.” Maz looked over the room. “Tomorrow, if you want, we can go shopping for any clothes you might need. Underwear. Bras. Whatever. Oh, and this is for you, for your first day.”

Maz picked a plain blue backpack up off the bed and handed it to me. I took it hesitantly and unzipped it. It was filled with notebooks and pens and pencils and even a calculator. Tears sting at my eyes. It’s too good. It’s too good to be true. 

“Oh, hun. Can I give you a hug?”

I nod and her surprisingly strong arms wrap around me. I break and tears fall and I’m sobbing now. I didn’t deserve this. I didn’t deserve any of this. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out my Spotify Playlists that inspired this work and are inspired by this work :) 
> 
> [Rey's Playlist](https://spoti.fi/2yKiBLx)
> 
> [Ben's Playlist](https://spoti.fi/3bgeYKK)
> 
> Follow Me On [Tumblr!](https://midnightartemis.tumblr.com/)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “How can you miss someone you've never met?  
> 'Cause I need you now but I don't know you yet  
> But can you find me soon because I'm in my head?  
> Yeah, I need you now but I don't know you yet“
> 
> IDK You Yet, Alexander 23

The first day, a new school. I take a deep breath. It wasn’t my first new school, but I hoped it would be the last. It was a lot to process- Maz, Holdo. Every one of my instincts told me it was too good to be, but I trusted Holdo, and if Maz raised Holdo, I could trust her too. She was right. This was different. 

I wake up early, wanting to make a good impression. I brush my teeth and shower and- Is that a razor? It takes a lot longer, but I eventually make it through my leg and armpit hair and jump out of the shower. The closet- My closet is filled with clothes of every shape and size and style and I wonder just how many girls Maz has fostered over the years.

I fish through the clothes until I find a soft dandelion yellow overall style dress and pair it with a white, faux turtleneck shirt made of incredibly stretchy, soft material. There’s a pile of shoes under the clothes, but I decide to stick with my ratty, old white converse… Well, they used to be white. I grab my bag and head downstairs, vibrating with excitement and nervousness. Maz is sitting on the back deck nursing a coffee and overlooking her garden. She’s still in purple and pink pajamas and looks up in surprise when I walk out the door. “You’re up early. Sleep well, kid?”

I nod and stare hungrily at the platter of eggs and bacon. “Yes, thank you.”

Maz notices my hunger. “Well, don’t just stand there, they’re there for you, too. Dig in.”

I quickly sit and fill my plate. 

“Do you drink coffee?” I nod and she stands, fetching another cup for me. “Cream? Sugar?”

“Just plain black, please.” 

“Ah, you’re one of the good ones I can tell.” Maz chuckles and I giggle, accepting the coffee from her. It smells amazing.

“How many girls have you fostered?”

Maz sits back, a pleasant speculative look in her eye. “Oh… I lose track sometimes. I’ll have to pull out the scrapbook, but I think at least twenty over the years. There was a period of time where I fostered siblings, but now I just take only children. Two people are more than enough for this house. I’ve adopted five of them.”

“Five!?” I nearly choke on my eggs. 

“Yes, Amilyn is the only one I see regularly since she’s so close, they’re all spread out all over the world, but most of them call or text or send letters a lot.”

“And it’s just you? No one else?”

“Nope, no one else. I’ve had my fair share of romances,” she winks. “But I do best on my own. I prefer it, with you all for the good company of course.”

“Why do you do it?”

“Well, I know what it feels like. I was in the system once, too. Long, long before your time. I got taken in when I was sixteen by my adoptive parents. And when they died, I decided to carry on that legacy. Help others how they helped me.”

“That sounds very noble.”

Maz snorts. “Hardly. I’m a senile old woman who just wants a little company. It’s for all those-how do you kids say it- juicy government checks.” There’s a twinkle in her eye as she jokes. She takes a glance at the watch on her wrist. “Finish up, wash up. I’ll put on my grandma’s pants and we’ll get you off to school. They’ll want me to sign a bunch of stuff and I gotta get to the bar to deal with their usual incompetencies. Did she mention the bar?”

I nod through my last bite of eggs. 

“You’ll never have to go there if you don’t want to, but you’re more than welcome to come by after school. Also, you should send me your number. I don’t want a minute by minute notice of where you are, but you are my responsibility, so I would like to know your general locations and plans. Fair?”

I nod. “Fair.” 

There weren't a lot of places I planned on going to. I didn’t know anyone here. Though… I wouldn’t say no to exploring the downtown area.

Maz left to change and I finished my breakfast and cleaned my dishes. I searched through the cupboards until I found a set of glass Tupperware and placed the leftover eggs and bacon inside. I waited patiently on the couch, twiddling my thumbs and trying to not think about things so much. The first day of classes always made me anxious, and now my life has completely turned around in the last twenty-four hours. Maz appeared at the bottom of the stairs and I tried and failed to not smile at her “grandma pants”. For one thing, they were bright purple and covered in embroidery, and, for another, they were paired with an equally bright pink and blue top. Everything screamed hippy grandma. She grabbed a set of keys from a hook on the wall. “Alright, kid, got everything?”

I nod and follow her out the car to her small garage where there is, of course, an original bright yellow Volkswagen bug. Who is this lady and where has she been my entire life? I climb in the passenger seat and we take off down the road to the school. 

My stomach does a flip at the sight of the school. There are a few cars in the parking lot, but we’re still half an hour early. Maz parks and we walk through the doors of New Republic High together. The entrance lobby is huge, surrounded by windows and filled with light from a round skylight in the ceiling. The floor is white tile and in the center of the lobby floor, there is a huge mosaic crest of a Falcon clutching a sword. A red banner flies below it inscribed with Latin:  _ In absentia lucis, Tenebrae vincunt.  _

“It means ‘In the absence of light, darkness prevails.’”

I jump at the voice and look up to see a bubbly girl with jet black hair and a cute face smiling at me. “Uh… Okay.”

“You must be Rey, I’m Rose and I get to be your student ambassador. I also help out in the office and I saw you were starting today, so I thought I would meet you at the door.” Rose sticks her hand out and I shake it. “Hi, Miss Kanata.”

“Rose…” Maz raises her eyebrows. 

“Sorry. Miss Maz.” Rose’s smile doesn’t falter. “It’s the school’s motto. It’s supposed to inspire us to ‘be the good in the world’ or something.” She waves her hand through the air, brushing past the meaning. “Principal Organa is ready for you if you. She’s excited to meet you.”

Rose practically skips away and we follow her, ascending the stairs to an open door that leads to a reception area. Rose walks through the reception center and to an open door near the back. We follow her through and I find myself in a spacious office. Everything is wood and lavender, warm and inviting. Sitting at the desk is an older woman with greying hair, perfectly styled in a braided bun. She’s wearing a tailored blue dress and silver cat eyeglasses on the bridge of her nose. She takes her glasses off as we enter and stands with a smile. “Rey Niima?”

I nod and shake her hand. 

“It’s a pleasure to meet you. I am Principal Leia Organa. And good to see you again, Maz.” Principal Organa’s smile is warm, inviting. Still, I wouldn’t want to get on her bad side. “Rose, thank you. Would you please get Maz the right paperwork and I’ll talk with Rey?”

My stomach flips with nerves again. Principal Organa gestures to the chairs in front of her desk and I sit as Rose and Maz leave. Organa puts on her glasses once more and moves to her computer. “Just a moment, let me pull up your file.”

I sit up straight, on edge as I look around the room. There are bookshelves filled with books and art. An orchid blooms on a windowsill, and I think that the window overlooks a courtyard.

“Here you are. Very impressive Rey. It says that you finished up Trigonometry and English Two, a history class, a social studies class, Earth Science, and computer programming. No language courses?”

“They didn’t exactly offer any,” I say, nervous. “I know a little bit of Spanish. One of my foster families lived in the Hispanic neighborhood of Jakku.”

“Would you like to take a placement test in Spanish?”

I shake my head. “I only know how to say a few things, not read or write.”

“We require three years of language to graduate.” She peers at me over her glasses and I sink in my seat. She turns her gaze back to her computer and clicks a few things. “We will just have to get you all caught up. You can either take an extra summer course or have two blocks of language, it’s up to you.”

“Uh…” I’m completely out of my depth. I’m not even sure if I’ll still be here in the summer, much less what a block is. “What’s a block?”

Principal Organa’s eyes soften. “We run New Republic more like a college than a high school so that you’re prepared when you go to college. It builds responsibility and trust. So, you’ll have some classes that you only have Monday, Wednesday, Friday, or Tuesday, Thursday. Blocks are forty-five minutes. Some of your classes may only take up one block, some two or three.”

College. I shake my head. It was a dream. “Okay. Um… I guess I’ll do two blocks of language.”

“We offer French, Spanish, Russian, and Latin.”

“Latin.” Might as well. Organa smiles. 

“So, I’ll mark you down for the junior year history class- Current World Events and most juniors take Psychology unless you’d rather take Religion?” She glances at me and I shake my head. “And, P.E. That’s the basics, the rest have a little wriggle room for what you want to do here. So, tell me about yourself. What are you interested in? What are your plans for post-graduation?”

“Uh… I have no idea what I’m going to do after graduation. I like science and math… Figuring out how things work.”

“Taking things apart and putting them back together?” She asks. 

I nod. “It used to get me in a lot of trouble.”

“A little bit of trouble never hurt anyone.” Principal Organa winks. “I want you to meet with our Guidance Counselor. There’s a lot of avenues for girls like you who want to go into STEM fields. For now, since your math and science grades are so high, I’m going to place you in… Pre-Calculus, Physics, and… Small engines.”

I wrinkle my eyebrows. “Small engines?”

“It’s more fun than you think. I’m no good at it, but my husband is, and I think you’ll like him.”

She barely knows me, but okay. “Okay.”

“And last, but not least, I like everyone to take at least one art class. There’s painting, drawing, photography, band, orchestra, choir, sculpture, woodworking… Are any of these peeking your interest?”

“Drawing, I guess.” I had taken a drawing class before. I wasn’t the best at it, but I wasn’t horrible either. 

“Okay.” Principal Organa hit a few more buttons. I heard a printer whirl beneath her and she bent down to grab a piece of paper. 

“This is your schedule,” she grabbed another sheet of paper as well and handed both to me. “And the second one is a list of all the groups and activities on campus as well as a list of emails for staff and phone numbers for any services you may or may not need during your time here. And my door is always open, Miss Niima. I’m happy to have you here. Rose will handle you from here and show you around to all of your classes.”

I walk out of Principal Organa’s office to find Maz and Rose crackling at the counter. Rose wipes away tears from her eyes and Maz grabs her bag from the counter at the sight of me. “Looks like they got you all ready to go, hun. I’ll pick you up at four unless you let me know differently. You have my number, and Rose will take good care of you.”

I’m a little sad to watch her go. And excited. And nervous. And still trying to process everything. Rose seems nice enough. I usually didn’t get a guide on the first day. Jakku’s schools were more of the ‘fend for yourself’ type. Rose waves good-bye to Maz and turns to me. “You get your schedule?”

“Yeah.” I hand the paper to her and she looks it over, growing more and more excited. “What is it?”

“Lucky for you, we have a lot of the same classes. Both STEM girls.” Rose winks and I blush uncomfortably. “Ugh, I loved small engines. Mr. Solo is so cool.”

“Is that Principal Organa’s husband?”

“Yup!” Rose bounces from around the counter. “Come on. I’ll give you a tour and show you your locker. The assembly doesn’t start for another half-hour.” 

I follow her closely out into the halls and it’s completely different from earlier. I can hardly see the school seal there’s so many people rushing back and forth, talking, laughing, hugging. Rose takes my hand and before I know it I’m dragged into the chaos. 

“So, you already saw the seal. We’re the Millenium Falcons, established in 1960 by the Skywalker family, of which Principal Organa is descended from. It’s a long history with a lot of drama. This is the freshman wing,” Rose pointed down a long hallway and then to the mirroring one. “And the Sophomore wing. Basically, the founder got killed by her husband and nearly got killed himself, even though he really really loved her and she was pregnant. It’s kinda sad actually. No one really knows the full story.”

Rose pushed through glass double doors and we walked into a courtyard. The sidewalk divided the green into quarters. Every inch of the courtyard was maintained and perfectly landscaped. There was even a fountain in the center. Rose gestured to the wall of the building on her right. “That side houses the gymnasium. There’s a swimming pool and a rock wall and a weight room. Oh, you’ll need to bring tennis shoes for that and stuff to shower with, but they provide a shirt and shorts. The other side,” Rose nodded to the left side of the square courtyard. “That’s where the lunchroom and the art rooms are.”

I follow Rose straight across the courtyard, trying to take it all in. It was so massive, so grand compared to everything I had never known. A pool? Really? I hope they don’t make people swim… I push the thought away. I’ll burn that bridge when I get there. Just survive the first day. We walk through an identical pair of double doors and we’re in the back of the square. It looks almost identical to the front of the building. I can see a parking lot through the windows and rolling forests beyond that. The seal is there again, and it’s crowded with students rushing around. 

“Finn! Poe!” Rose dropped my hand and raced towards two guys in varsity jackets. The tall, dark one caught her and swung her into a deep kiss. They broke apart laughing and Rose gave the other a quick hug. His hair was dark and curly, a smirk on his lips. It wasn’t hard to miss the class clown. Rose waved me over. “Rey, this is Finn and Poe.” She nodded to the boy she kissed and the class clown respectively. 

“Hi.” I smile and wave shyly. Finn gives me a giant grin and immediately pulls me into a bear hug. “Oh.”

“It’s great to meet you, Rey,” Finn says once he sets me down. 

“Diddo.” Poe winks at me and Rose slaps his chest. 

“Poe, don’t scare her away. She’s a science girl, too, and I need more girl power in those classes. I’m outnumbered and tired of it.”

“It’s okay,” I laugh. “He doesn’t scare me.”

Finn laughs. “Okay, I like her. Are you giving her the famous Rose Tico tour?”

“I’m trying to, and then I got distracted.” Rose gives Finn a quick kiss on the lips and I blush, looking away. “Save us seats at assembly?”

“Yes, ma’am.” Finn smiles, a man in love. 

The people around me are bustling and loud, obnoxious teenagers. I’m suddenly grateful for my newfound friends. 

Rose is gesturing down the hall on the right. “That’s the senior hall. You might go in there sometimes, especially in winter to go to lunch. They get really pissed if you’re loud during class time, but you don’t seem like the loud type.”

I smile. No, not really. Loud spaces were difficult sometimes, especially when I was as uncomfortable as I am now. Rose takes my arm and leads me down the last hall. “This is the Junior hall.” 

We walk down a hall filled with blue lockers. There’s a door to a classroom about every twenty or thirty feet. Rose looks at my class schedule. “You’re locker 364, not that far from me!”

We find my locker and Rose tells me to leave my bag there. I do, after struggling with the combination for ten minutes. The end of the hall comes to a corner with a staircase and a wall of windows. Around the corner is a door marked Gymnasium. Rose lets me peek in and I can only gape at the two basketball courts, and, beyond that, a huge glass wall. There are treadmills and workout equipment on the top floor, and I get a glimpse of the pool on the first level. Rose drags me up the stairs and I’m in an identical hall as the one below us. More lockers, more classrooms. Rose points out which ones are which, but I know that I’ll forget.

We came to the area where Principal Organa’s office had been on the other side, but here it's a student lounge overlooking the courtyard. There’s a little kitchen area with a vending machine and a microwave and plenty of chairs, couches, and tables for studying. Rose is explaining something about the vending machines when an announcement comes over the speakers. “Will all students and staff please report to the auditorium for the Welcome Back Assembly? All students and staff please report to the auditorium for the assembly. Thank you.”

Rose’s eyes light up as if she lives for assemblies. Maybe she’s just excited to see Finn again. She grabs my arm and power walks me through the hall and down the stairs. We enter the auditorium through double doors and the room is buzzing with noise and excitement. Poe and Finn wave at us from the front of the room. 

We join them as the lights dim and Principal Organa comes up on stage. The buzz in the room dies out and she waits for silence. “Hello, New Republic High!”

A riotous cheer echoes through the auditorium and Poe and Finn are whooping beside me. Organa raises her hands and the room quiets once more. “I hope you all had a great summer and are excited to get back to work. I only have a few announcements and then I’ll send you on your way. First, there will be absolutely NO pranks played on the cheerleaders this year, Mr. Dameron.” Her eyes are shooting lasers at Poe. 

He gives her a cheerful thumbs up and leans over to me. “I’m planning on the swim team, instead.”

I giggle. Organa’s already moved on to more usual school things. Laptop roll out, schedule questions, where to look for club sign-ups. I should pay attention, but I’m still trying to process everything around me. It’s all so new and crazy. I close my eyes and try to calm my breathing, just have to get through the first day. The first week. 

The assembly ends and Rose takes my hand, leading me out the side. First on the agenda, English Comp. We make our way back to my locker and she leaves me for a second to grab her own bag. The hall is filled with students rushing to classes and I cling to my bag, anxiety filling my chest. Rose touches my arm. “I’m not sure what I would do without you. It’s a lot to take in.”

Rose beams. “I got you. It’s exciting having a new friend. My sister went off to college this year, so I’ve been a bit lonely. And it all calms down after the first week. Everyone is crazy trying to figure out their schedules and where they need to be.”

We have English together, then Latin, then Math, then Physics. My stomach is rumbling by the time lunch rolls around and I find myself standing in line with Rose, staring out over the huge bustling lunchroom. “How long do we have to eat?”

“What?” Rose gives me a strange look. “Oh, it’s not timed, really. You just have to make it to your next class on time. Which is… Drawing at two. Nice. So, like, an hour.”

Lunch looks better than anything I had ever been served back on Jakku. For one, it resembles actual food. For another, I get to choose what I want to eat. Maybe I could get used to this. My stomach turns. Maybe I shouldn’t get used to this. I knew how quickly things could get taken away. 

When we sit down, Poe and Finn are in the middle of arguing about football, I think. It’s all just sports talk to me. Rose leans over to me, “Don’t worry, I have no idea what they’re saying either. Are you liking your classes so far?”

“Yeah, but I think I’ll need a cart to carry all these books around.” I grin and poke at my peas. 

Rose snorts. “Me too. It’s torture. Hey, we should definitely start a study group together. I saw that you have a free block with me Tuesdays and Thursdays.”

“That would be great.” A friend! I smile and dig into my chicken. 

“Do you think you’re going to join any clubs or anything? There’s A Capella, chess, film…”

I shrug. “I’ve never really been a group person.” Rose gives me the saddest look. “But, I can see. What are you in?”

A giant smile breaks across Rose’s face.

“Oh, now you’ve released the beast.” Finn chuckles, making eyes across the table at his girlfriend. 

“So, there’s this group I’ve been wanting to get started.” Rose’s eyes are bright and excited and I can’t help but laugh. “It’s called FEM-STEM for women in science. And we’d be part robotics team, part STEM buds, and it would really just be you and me for right now, but that’s enough to start and I, like, need a Vice President.”

“I would love, too!” There’s a flash of anxiety in my gut as I drop out of the dream for a second. “But I don’t know how long I’m staying here. It’s all so new, you know. But, I’ll definitely think about it. I just want to make sure Maz is like a sure thing. I haven’t had the greatest time with foster parents.” 

I finish softly and there’s a soft oh from Rose’s lips. I look up and my eyes connect with his. Dark, brooding, intense. I gasp and look away. I look back up and he’s turned away, head in a book, scribbling, black hair falling over his eyes. I know those eyes… I know them from… Somewhere. I tune back in. 

“It’s totally okay. I totally understand. I didn’t mean to bring up-”

“I’ll do it.” I force a smile. Rose squeals and pulls me into a huge hug. What is it with these people and hugs? “I have to talk to Maz first.”

“Oh, Rey. Thank you.” Rose is bouncing in her seat with excitement. 

I glance back at him and he looks up at me. Something imperceptible passes across his eyes and he gathers his things to leave. The table he’s at is empty. “Who’s that?”

Poe, Finn, and Rose’s eyes track mine as I watch him leave the giant lunch hall. Poe’s face immediately darkens into anger while Rose and Finn share a knowing look and glance at Poe. Poe takes a deep breath and lets it out. “It’s fine. She’ll find out sooner or later and it may as well be from us.”

Poe’s eyes meet mine and I’m filled with a burning curiosity. He’s immediately on edge, tensed. 

“I can’t believe she let him come back.” Rose mutters. 

“Well, he is her son.” Finn replies softly. I glance between the three of them confused. 

“What happened?”

Rose sighs. Her voice is almost a whisper like she’s telling me a secret. “That’s Ben Solo.”

“Solo?” It sounds familiar but I can’t quite find it amongst the ocean of information that’s been driven into my head today. 

“Yeah, Principal Organa and Mr. Solo’s son.” Finn fills in. Suddenly, Poe slams his fist down on the table and the whole cafeteria goes quiet. He stands and walks out. My eyes go wide. Finn grabs both their trays. “I’ll go calm him down.”

The chatter starts up again as Finn leaves. My heart is racing. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to bring up something bad. I-“

“No, Rey, it's okay. You didn’t know. You couldn’t have.” Rose’s voice is steady. Calming. “I just wouldn’t bring Ben Solo up in front of Poe again.”

“Yeah, of course.” I poke at the remaining peas on my plate, no longer hungry. 

“Poe and Ben… well I think they used to be really good friends as kids. I’m not sure. I moved here in middle school. But as they grew up, well, Poe is really easy to like. And Ben, I guess, not so much. I’m a little fuzzy on the details. But I guess Ben started having a lot of mental health problems and anger issues and I think he got started down the wrong path. No one is really sure, but a lot of people say he might sell drugs or something. And Poe thinks that Ben sold Poe’s twin sister the drugs that Lily overdosed on. And it all kind of culminated at the end of last year when Ben showed up to the funeral. Poe came to school and it was so scary. I’ve never seen him so angry. And he and Ben got into a fight in the courtyard that sent both of them to the hospital. The police got involved. It was horrible. And I guess Ben got shipped off to some reform summer camp. And it’s why Poe can’t play any varsity or junior lacrosse this year.”

“Gods. That’s horrible.” Anxiety knits my stomach. Maybe I should find Poe and apologize. 

“Yeah...” Rose wipes away a tear and looks at the time on her phone. “Oh! I should probably get you to your next class. I have vocal so it’s in the same wing at least.”

We discard out trays and walk out of the cafeteria and up a flight of stairs to the Art Hall as Rose called it. There were three art studios on one side of the hall and the orchestra/band room on the other side. Two double doors at the end of the hall were for the balcony seats of the auditorium. I waved goodbye to Rose and she ran off to the auditorium for vocal and for the first time today I’m alone. The classroom looks empty since I’m about ten minutes early so I go in and nearly jump out of my skin. 

Ben Solo is sitting in the corner of the classroom at one of the high drawing desks eating an apple. He looks up in surprise as I enter and takes a bite. I can’t get rid of the feeling that I know him from somewhere. But where? 

“Sorry… I thought it was empty.” No reply. “Is it okay if I sit in here too?” 

His intense eyes regard me carefully. “It’s a free country.”

His voice is deep, gravelly, sensual almost. I… was not expecting that. I pick one of the desks almost directly across from him. He goes back to his work as I take out my schedule and club list, as well as a thick welcome packet Rose had given to me. It’s the first time today I’m able to sit and breathe and think. I let out a deep sigh. First days are the worst. 

I feel a tingle on my skin like someone’s watching me and I look up only to see him look back down at his sketchbook. A strand of long black hair falls in front of his face and I catch myself wondering what it would feel like to brush it back. 

_ What the hell, Niima?  _ I look back down at my papers electing to ignore him. He probably just had one of those faces. Besides, if anything Rose said was true, I shouldn’t trust this guy at all.  _ It’s not trust, it's curiosity.  _ Okay, well, then I shouldn’t be curious either. He’s bad enough to make funny, happy-go-lucky Poe Dameron go nuclear. 

I glance back up at him and our eyes lock. I don’t know if we’re looking at each other for minutes or hours or just seconds. He moves like he wants to ask me something and the classroom door swings open breaking our trance. 

A tall woman struggles through the door carrying a giant armful of drawing pads and utensils. I rush to help her, taking some of her things. 

“Oh, thank you, dear. You’re so kind. Yes, just put one on each desk for me.” 

I’ve taken a box of boxes of drawing pencils from her. I set to work placing boxes of pencils on my desk, deliberately starting as far away from him as possible. I work my way around the U of desks and come to him. He stiffens as I draw near and dammit he smells good too. I hastily shove a pencil box at him and he takes it. His fingers brush against mine and I gasp, hurrying away from him. My heart is pounding in my chest and I can feel him watching me. I’m so ready for this day to end. 

I set the empty box down on the desk and the art teacher is desperately trying to get the overhead projector to turn on. 

“Do you mind?” She hands me the remote and I turn on the projector with one click. She laughs and takes it back. “I swear, technology hates me. I don’t recognize you so you must be…. Rey Nemo.” 

“Niima.” I smile. 

She clicks her tongue. “Yes, that’s what Rose said. Pretty name. I’m Mrs. Tico, the drawing teacher.”

“Rose’s mom?”

She smiles brightly. I can tell where Rose gets her sunshine personality from. “The one and only. I hope my daughter hasn’t scared you off yet.” 

There’s a light scoff behind me and I look back to see Ben concentrating very hard on his notebook. Did he know me? Did he recognize me from somewhere, too?

I turn back to Mrs. Tico. “Not at all. She’s been really nice and welcoming. I think it’s the best welcome party I’ve ever had.” 

The door swings open and students start to roll in. Mrs. Tico smiles. “Well, we’re more than happy to have you here and I’m delighted to have you as a student, Rey. Maybe you can convince my daughter to take one class with her momma. I sure can’t.”

I laugh and head back to my seat. I don’t catch him looking at me the rest of the block, but for some reason I know he is.

The bell rings, signifying the end of the block and I gather myself. Rose is waiting for me outside the door, a petrified look on her face. 

“What?”

“You have class with him? After I told you all that stuff? Oh jeez, I’m so sorry.” Rose's eyes are wide. 

I shrug. “Don’t worry about it.”

Should I mention the staring? The eye contact? The fact that I find him kinda hot? The weird feeling in my chest when he looks at me? Probably not. Probably should just chalk this up to weird teenage hormones. 

“So the shop is a bit different. It’s across the parking lot because it has to be a separate building because of building codes or something.” Rose says as we walk through the hall, down the stairs, and through the double glass doors into the back parking lot. We head towards a building made of white tin and Rose drops me off at the door. 

“I like your mom, by the way. She seems nice.” 

“Yeah, she’s pretty cool. She keeps wanting me to take art classes but I can’t draw to save my life.” Rose shrugs. “Do you have any plans after school? I usually go to the coffee shop and work on homework or hang out until Finn gets done with practice.”

“That sounds fun. I think Maz wanted to take me shopping for some things tonight though. Maybe some other time?”

“Oh sure! How about tomorrow?” Rose raises her eyebrows. “I mean you can totally say no, but I think it would be fun to hang out outside of school.”

It was hard to not want to be Rose’s friend. She made it so easy.  _ Don’t get attached. She’s just being nice.  _ I pushed the thought out of my head. “Yeah! Tomorrow sounds great.”

Rose beamed. “Sweet! I’ll see you tomorrow then! Bye, Rey!” 

I watched her race across the parking lot back to school. I opened the door to the huge white shop and was greeted with a small classroom. A couple tables with benches faced a white board. And in front of the white board, staring at me again was Ben.  _ Why me. Why today.  _

It looks like I’ve just interrupted a strained conversation between him and the man at the desk. Ben immediately takes a seat near the outside wall of the room. The man at the desk stands and saunters over to me. He’s wearing a white shirt and jeans with grease spots. He’s got greying hair and a twinkle in his eye. “Rey Niima?” 

I nod. 

“Han Solo, how you doing, kid?” He sticks his hand out and I shake it. I’m trying to put three and three together. The grungy man before me and the polished lady I met earlier and their mysterious son in the corner. 

“I’m okay, thank you.” 

“Nice to have a girl in here. Maybe it will teach some of these boys a lesson.”

Not sure what that means, but I catch Ben glaring grumpily at the desk in front of him. 

“Have you worked with engines before, kid?” 

I nod. “A little bit. Kinda. I… Stayed with someone who owned a junkyard and he let me take stuff apart. Mostly I think he just wanted me to learn how to strip cars for parts cause my hands were small.” 

Is that too much information? My stomach twists but Mr. Solo seems delighted and Ben is staring at me again. He quickly looks away. 

“Oh, yeah, Maz had told me she was fostering a new kid. Look at you. You’ll do fine here. Just pick a seat. We’ll start once the others show up.” 

I sit down two rows behind Ben.  _ Try to stare at me now.  _ I smirk.  _ But now you get to be the one who stares.  _ I roll my eyes at my subconscious. It’s curiosity. And hormones. Pure and simple. 

By the time I get home that night, I’m completely exhausted from the day and from answering a million questions. The moment I lay down, I’m passed out and dreaming of dark eyes and endless darkness. Flashes of him pass through, fleeting. When I wake in the morning, I can’t remember much of it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I remember it now, it takes me back to when it all first started
> 
> But I've only got myself to blame for it, and I accept that now
> 
> It's time to let it go, go out and start again
> 
> But it's not that easy
> 
> High hopes, when you let it go, go out and start again”
> 
> -High Hopes, Kodaline

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mentions of child abuse

Tuesday goes by without incident, though Latin will kill me. Rose is more than happy to walk me to my classes, chatting happily about her own, and I’m happy for the company for once. Poe and Finn are in my P.E. class and they’re so competitive. Rose tells me it’s okay to take them down a notch if I can. I’m athletic, but usually never got the chance to stay in a place long enough to participate in anything.

Wednesday rolls around and Rose is buzzing about Friday as we eat lunch. My eyes search for Ben, but I can’t find him anymore. “What’s Friday?”

“Oh, my god. I completely forgot to add you to the group chat.” Rose palms her face and gets out her phone. I sheepishly hand her my half-broken iPhone but she doesn’t bat an eye. “Poe, Finn, and I are having a little get together to celebrate the start of the school year. Please, come. I know you have to ask Maz.”

I’d never been invited to a party before. “I would love that. I’ll ask her tonight.”

I hope Maz said yes. Things were going smoothly there. 

Rose and I left lunch early so that we could walk together to class. Rose liked to show up early to vocal class to help set up and I was more than happy to have a few minutes alone, even if it met sitting in awkward silence with him. 

I open the classroom door and he’s there sitting where he was Monday. I take my seat across from him and pull out my headphones to listen to music for a bit. I scroll for a while and settle on The Lumineers’ _Ophelia_ album. It takes a lot for me to not dance and hum along, so I pull out my drawing notebook and start in on practicing drawing 3D shapes. 

I feel his eyes on me and I look up, realizing that I’ve been bobbing along to the music. He looks away and I think there’s a hint of a smile on his face. I flush. What is it with him? He didn’t look like a hardcore drug dealer, not like the ones I’ve seen. He looked quiet and lonely. Soft. _Dammit, Rey._

He looks up again and sees me watching him. He scowls, his mood instantly souring. I look away sheepishly. 

“Sorry.” 

“Did they get to you, too?”

“What?” My heart races at his voice. My eyes meet his and they’re looking over me intensely. 

“The golden trio.” His voice is low, angry. 

Poe, Finn, and Rose? I frown. “I-”

Before I can say anymore, the door opens and Mrs. Tico walks in, cheerful as ever. “Hi, Rey! Ben!”

“Hi, Mrs. Tico.” I smile back, but inside my stomach is rolling with anxiety. What did he mean ‘ _get to me?’_ Rose had made it pretty clear what happened and I doubted Poe just hated Ben for shits and giggles. I look back at him and he’s concentrating on his notebook as if nothing had happened. I scowl and go back to my own work. 

“How was school, hun?” Maz picks me up in her bug after school to take me to therapy. 

“Good.” I smile. “I have a mountain of homework already, but everyone is really nice.”

“Good, good.” We drive without talking, just listening to the radio quietly. My stomach turns as I think about the party. I cross my fingers and ask. 

“Maz?”

“Yeah?” she glances at me. 

“I was wondering- well… Rose and Poe and Finn were getting together Friday night and they invited me. And I was wondering if I can go?” I bite my lip and look at her hopefully. 

Maz smiles. “Ah… the infamous Dameron Back to School get-together.”

My eyes widen. “Oh. Oh. I didn’t realize it was a party-party. Nevermind.”

“No, Rey. Go! Have fun. Enjoy your friends. Just no drinking or drugs. I’m here to keep you safe and healthy, not ruin your high school experience.” Her eyes sparkle, but there’s a seriousness to them. “11:30 PM. At the latest. Okay?”

I nod, trying to hide my excitement. “11:30. Got it.” 

We pull into a parking lot of a small brick office building downtown and Maz walks me in. We go to the second floor where there’s a small waiting room. It’s very zen with comfy chairs, light incense, peaceful art, and meditation music in the background. There are two doors, both closed. Maz and I sit and wait until the door on the left opens. A man walks out and he’s got a wide, open face covered in a grey beard and eyes that radiate kindness and knowing. I instantly feel at ease when he smiles. “Rey?”

I nod and stand. He walks over and sticks out his hand and I shake it. “I’m Luke Skywalker. Let’s go in and have Maz fill out some paperwork and then we will get started on your introductory session.”

Did everyone in this town know Maz? We fill out the usual paperwork in Luke’s office. It’s just as zen as outside. There’s a Buddha sitting on a bookshelf perfectly curated with books on mental health and well being. A fountain trickles gently in the corner. Everything is in order, at balance. 

“I’ll be waiting in the lobby.” Maz signs the last paper and leaves us. I take a seat on the couch and Luke sits in the chair across from me. 

“So, Rey,” he says with a small sigh. “I’m guessing this isn’t your first time in therapy?”

I laugh a little. “No.”

“Well, I have a few questions that we can discuss, but first, I just want to give you a little overview of what our plan is if you choose to move forward. I like to do a little one-on-one session before placing you in a group. I run a few groups, and it’s all just about trying to place you in the right one where I think you have the best chance of learning and listening to your peers and sharing your own stories. Sounds good?”

I nod. 

“So, tell me about yourself, Rey. Your childhood, things you like to do… Anything you’d like in whatever way you want to tell me.”

“Well…” I take a deep breath. The story in my head is one that’s carefully rehearsed, told over and over. “My parents abandoned me when I was six. I was found by some workers abandoned in the Jakku city dump. And they couldn’t find my parents, so I got placed into the system. I jumped around a lot as a kid. No one really wanted me. And then when I got older, I got tired of the abuse and the neglect, so I started gathering evidence on my fosters and getting their licenses revoked. But that just met that I jumped around even more. I’ve just kinda learned how to survive and take care of myself.”

“That sounds hard and exhausting.”

I nod and sigh. “Yeah.”

“What about now? You’ve only been at Maz’s a few days, from my understanding. How’s that going?”

“Good. I think.” I reply. Luke says nothing, waiting for me to fill the silence. “It’s a lot to process. Everything changed so quickly and she’s unlike any foster I’ve ever stayed with. It’s… It’s almost like it's too good to be true… And, I guess I’m worried that it will be. Or I’ll fuck up and it will all be taken from me.”

“Do you think you deserve a good foster home?”

I can’t meet his eyes. Tears prickle at my own. “No.”

“Why not?” Dang, this guy is good.

“I’m not anyone special… There are a lot more kids out there who are a lot more deserving.” 

“So… What I’m hearing is that you spent the last few years catching abusers in the system… But you’re not deserving of a good home?” He raises his eyebrow at me. I see his point, but I still can’t reconcile myself with it. “You sound pretty special to me, Rey.”

“I’m not anyone special.” I shrug. “I just didn’t want other people to go through what I have.”

“Do you feel that’s your duty? To save other people?”

I mull over his question and nod slowly. 

“There aren’t many people out there who would put others before their own personal wellbeing and safety. What things do you like doing for yourself?”

“I like listening to music… And working with my hands.”

Luke smiles. “Good. Those are really good ways to take care of yourself.”

“They help me a lot when I need a break from the outside world. It can be really… Overwhelming.”

“Tell me about that.” Luke nudges me in that direction gently. 

“Well, I don’t know. It’s like… I can get really overwhelmed in crowds. If there’s a lot of noise or people or things going on. It gets hard to think and concentrate.”

“Like at school?”

I nod. 

“Is there anywhere you go to get away from the noise and let yourself relax for a bit?”

“Usually after lunch, I go to the art room because there’s no one there before class usually.” Not no one. Might as well be no one though. 

“Good. It’s important to create room for yourself and thoughts and to listen to yourself.” Luke smiles. “Tell me about school. Are you enjoying your classes so far?”

“Yeah. Principal Organa was really happy with my interest in science and math. She put me in physics, and pre-calc, and small engines and I really like all three so far. It just makes sense to me. More than English or Latin or Social Studies. Though, I don’t mind Social Studies either. And psychology is interesting, too.”

“Very interesting.” 

I laugh. “Right, I’m talking to a psychology master.”

“I have a group on Thursdays after school. It’s some of your age group dealing with some similar things as you. Is that something you would be interested in?”

“Yeah. Sure.” 

“I’ll have you start next Thursday so I can let them know that the group is expanding a little. How does that sound?”

“‘Good.” 

Luke nods and stands. “I’m afraid that’s all we have time for today. It was great to meet you, Rey.”

I stand and let him lead me out of the room.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Oh, Saturday Sun
> 
> I met someone
> 
> Out on the West Coast
> 
> I gotta get back, I can't let this go
> 
> Oh, Saturday Sun
> 
> I met someone
> 
> Don't care what it costs
> 
> No ray of sunlight's ever lost”
> 
> -Saturday Sun, Vance Joy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Drug Use, Overdose

“So, how was the first week?” Rose flopped down on her big four poster bed and put her chin in her hands. I sat on her floor, looking through the stacks and stacks of records she had. They were her sisters and neither of them wanted them anymore, so they were mine for the taking. 

I was getting tired of people asking me that question, but for Rose, I would answer. “It was pretty good, but ugh. I don’t know about the people there. I mean there is this girl who is super nice and she has a really cute boyfriend and their best friend isn’t that bad looking either, but ugh… They’re just so nice and I can’t stand them.” 

Rose laughs at my bad attempt at humor. “They sound horrible.”

“No, but really thanks for showing me around and everything. I’ve never really made friends in the first week and it’s nice.”

“That must have been really hard, starting over so many times. I just had to do it once and I still get nightmares about it.” 

I shrug. “It’s whatever. I’m used to it now, honestly. I honestly just want to get through a semester in peace.”

“Well, Maz is definitely the best person to make that happen. My sister was friends with the last girl she fostered. They’re roommates at State now.” Rose checks the time. “Oh, I better start getting ready. Pick something out and play it!”

Rose jumps out of bed and sits down at her vanity. Her house is new, clean, one of the ones in the rows of new developments near the school. Finn is supposed to pick us up in about an hour to take us to the party. 

“Where’s Poe’s house?”

“It's on the southside, but we’re not going there. He usually makes one of the lacrosse boys in the country help him throw it. That way we’re not disturbing neighbors and whatnot.”

“Oh.” I worry my lip and pick out a Lady Gaga album. “I have to be home by 11:30 on the dot.”

“Oh, don’t worry about it. Finn is really good about that stuff. My mom is the same way. We’ll be out of there and get you home before 11:30.” Rose waved her makeup brush. “And we can always leave whenever you need to, like, parties are fun, but we care about you, Rey.”

“You guys hardly know me.” I flush. 

Rose shrugs as if that doesn’t matter. “Can I do your makeup?”

“Uh…” I hate make-up, but it’s hard to say no to the excited look on her face. “Sure.”

I lay back on her bed as she finishes her make-up scrolling through my phone even though there’s nothing to really look at. 

“What do you think of Poe?” There’s a devious smile on her face.

Poe? “He’s cool.”

“Cute?”

Ohhhh. “Yeah, I guess. Not really my type, I guess.”

“What’s your type?”

Dark. Dangerous. _Ben._ Shut up. “I dunno. I don’t really have a type I guess.”

“Oh, come on, Rey. You’re gorgeous. You must have dated guys before.” Rose narrows her eyes at me in her mirror. 

“Nope.”

“Not even a little?”

I shake my head. “Not even a little?”

“Have you kissed anyone?”

My face goes bright red. “No.”

“Okay…” Rose frowns and turns to face me. “You know that this doesn’t change anything and like I totally love and accept you if-”

“I’m not gay either, Rose.” I laugh. “Though you are very cute.”

Rose beams. “Okay, your turn.”

We switch spots and Rose starts covering me in foundation. It’s lightweight, at least. “Have you and Finn ever…”

Now it’s Rose’s turn to blush. “No, not yet. I mean, we’ve come really close before, but I don’t think either of us are ready. So, we’re still waiting.”

“How long have you two been together?

Rose moves on to my eyes. “Close. Um.. we’ve been friends since I moved here. The three of us, really. And, Lily, for a while.” Her voice is soft with sadness. She clears her throat. “But, we started dating freshman year and honestly… It’s been so amazing. He’s so sweet and kind and such a good guy. He buys me flowers every week and always gets me coffee and holds my hand and gets the doors and he’s funny and always there for me and my parents love him and I- Sorry, I’m gushing. It just feels good to have another girl to talk to.”

“It’s okay. You two are really cute together.”

“Yeah…” I can hear the smile in her voice. “I think Poe feels a little left out sometimes. And I thought maybe I could work my magic and then we could go on double dates and stuff… I dunno. It’s silly.”

“It’s not silly. And, Poe _is_ cute.”

“Eek. Okay, I can make it happen.” Rose swipes something across my lips. “You’re so gorgeous. Look.”

I open my eyes and look in the mirror and I hardly recognize myself. My eyelids are dark and shimmery, my lips red. “Wow, Rose. This is really good.”

“Paige could have done it so much better.” Rose looks over her handiwork. “I have the perfect dress for it, too.”

“Do you miss your sister?”

“Yeah.” Rose gets really sad and she goes to her closet to grab the dress. “She’s like my best friend and we talk like once a week, but I miss her so much. It’s really different without her.”

“That sucks.” 

Rose shrugs. “It’s okay. Here.”

Rose hands me a simple black skater dress with a halter top. I take it and go change in her closet. She’s waiting for me when I come back and squeals in excitement. “You look so good. All you need is a necklace.” She picks one off her vanity and hands it to me. It’s a small silver medallion of some sort with a flower pressed into it. I put it on and hop on her bed, waiting for her to finish getting dressed. She pops out of her closet in a red romper with black leather accents and freakishly tall heels. I watch in awe as she struts around the room with ease. She hands me a pair of heels and I shake my head. 

“Nope. I will break my ankle.”

Rose pouts but relents. “Finee... You still look hot though.”

“Rose! Finn’s here!” Mrs. Tico’s voice calls from downstairs. 

“Coming!” Rose quickly spritzes herself and me with perfume and grabs my hand. She pulls me downstairs and Finn is waiting for us by the door talking to Mrs. Tico. 

“Have Rose back before midnight, young man.” Mrs. Tico pats Finn on the shoulder. Finn grins. 

“Safe and sound. Of course, Mrs. Tico.”

“Good.”

“Okay, bye, mom!” Rose grabs Finn’s hand and pulls both of us out the front door, a woman on a mission. I wave goodbye to Mrs. Tico and she waves back with a grin. 

I sit awkwardly in the back of Finn’s car, halfway listening as Rose babbles happily about her weekend plans- shopping in the city. I suddenly realize how Poe must feel a lot. Maybe Rose was right. I never minded being on my own, but I wouldn’t say no. _Until you have to leave and break everyone’s heart. It’s best to just stay on your own. Fewer people get hurt._ I sink back in my seat. 

Finn turns down a long, narrow dirt driveway and we drive through a grove of trees. The sun is low in the sky, it’s about eight o’clock and I know I only have three more hours. I want more. _Trust goes both ways._ Maz would give me more, with time. I knew it. Maybe even let me stay over with Rose? 

The grove falls away to a huge yard filled with cars. The party is already in full swing and there are people everywhere. I stare in amazement. Finn parks and I climb out of the backseat of his car. Music is blaring from the house and there are people standing in the yard chatting or heading into the giant mansion of a house. I follow Finn and Rose inside and before I know it, I’m playing Seven Minutes in Heaven in the living room with Poe. How the hell did Rose do it? There’s no chance, no way I’d land on him. _Actually it’s about a one in six chance, which is still pretty good._ There are butterflies in my stomach. I spin the bottle and my jaw drops when it lands on Poe. _Shit._

Poe gives me a sheepish look as his buddies cheer. He reaches out his hand and I take it and I think I’m going to blackout. He closes the door and I’m in the dark. 

“Seven minutes starts now.” Someone yells outside the door. 

“Uh…” I take a step back and hit the wall. I can’t see anything. 

“It’s okay. We don’t have to do anything.” Poe’s voice comes from closer to the door. There’s a flash of light and the room is illuminated by his phone. He’s got a cheeky smile. “I think Rose is trying to ‘work her magic’.” 

“Yeah.” I tuck my hair behind my ear. “Can I tell you something?”

“Yeah, anything.”

“I’ve never been kissed before, exactly.” I flush red. “It’s kind of embarrassing.” 

“Can I tell you a secret?” The cheeky smile is gone and my stomach flips a little bit. 

“You kind of remind me of my sister, Lily.”

“Oh.” Now I’m really embarrassed. “I’m sorry.”

Poe laughs. “No. It’s okay. It’s not your fault or anything. It’s kinda nice.”

He nods.

“I’m sorry, Poe. About your sister.” My mind flickers back to darker memories. “I’ve lost a few people, too.”

“Sorry.” I shrug, brushing it off. Poe shifts awkwardly on his feet. “Can I tell you something else? And you won’t tell? Not even Finn or Rose?”

I frown. “Yeah, of course.”

“I- well… I’m gay.”

“Oh.” I smile, a rush of relief coming over me. 

“I’m not ready for everyone to know. And I was kinda wondering, maybe, you can say no, if you wanted to be my beard.”

“Like your fake girlfriend?”

Poe nods and rubs his neck nervously. “Yeah.”

“You know that Rose and Finn would be totally okay with you being gay right? I doubt they would tell anyone.”

“I don’t want Finn to know… And if Rose knows, Finn knows.” Poe looks away from me and I suddenly understand. Poe likes Finn. 

“I’ll be your beard.” I smile and he grins. 

“Really?” 

“Yeah, of course. You guys have done so much for me, it’s the least I could do.” I shrug. “I think we’re running out of time, though.”

“Right.” Poe laughs. I press my fingers to my lips and muss up my lipstick a little. Poe complies and I press my fingers to his lips and ruffle his hair. He ruffles mine. “Better commit.”

Poe takes my hand as the door opens and there’s loud cheering from outside as we exit. Rose looks incredibly happy and I feel a little guilty. I hide it behind a smile. 

“I think I’m going to go get some fresh air.” I tell Poe. 

He nods. “Do you want a drink?”

“Just water.”

He smiles. “Okay, I’ll find you.”

I make my way through the throngs of teenagers drinking and dancing and watching the next round of spin the bottle. I find myself at the bottom of some stairs and climb them to the second floor. There’s a balcony with french doors obscured by curtains and I slip through, needing somewhere quiet to think. 

The warm summer air hits my face and there’s a light breeze. This side of the house is quiet, facing the sunset. It’s beautiful. 

“Why do you keep finding me?” 

I nearly fell off the balcony at the sound of his voice. “I don’t want any drugs.”

Ben chuckles darkly and I finally notice that he’s sitting on the balcony rail, his back against the building. “I’m not much of a drug dealer, despite what Poe Dameron wants to think.”

He’s going to fall off that and die. “You should get down from there.”

“Why, princess? Scared I’ll fall?” 

“No,” I grumble. _Yes. Actually._ “I’m not a princess.” 

Ben slides off the rail to his feet and leans back against it. “So, what did Dameron tell you about me? Did he tell you everything?”

“I know everything I need to know about you.” There’s a fire in my gut, protective of Poe. Where did this guy get off? Being an asshole?

“You do?” He raises his eyebrows in mock surprise. “Oh, you do.”

“Rose told me what happened. That you got Lily killed and almost killed Poe, too.” I take a step back. He’s intense, his eyes feel like they’re looking into my soul.

“Did she now? Did she tell you the part where Poe swung first?” He took a slow step towards me. There’s a pain in his eyes that I know can’t be faked. “Or the part where I was Lily’s best friend? That I was trying to save her? You should ask him about that.”

We were inches apart now. His eyes dropped to my chest and he went pale. “Where did you get that?”

“Get what?” I curled my fists. 

“That necklace. Where did you get it?” His voice was hoarse, tense, eyes wild with darkness. 

I frowned. “Rose gave it to me to wear tonight.”

“Give it to me.”

“What?” 

“Give it to me.” He held out his hand. 

I took a step back. “You should leave. Why are you even here?”

His intense eyes looked away from me, quiet. “Why do you even care?”

“I- You should leave. If Poe sees you here…”

His eyes flashed back to mine. He regarded me for a second, but it felt like a lifetime. I couldn’t get a read on what he was thinking about. Finally, he opened his mouth and said, “Your lipstick is smudged.”

In a second, he was gone and I was left alone on the balcony, my heart racing. I touched my lips. He was looking at my lips. Poe appeared a couple of seconds later, water in one hand, beer in the other. He noticed the distant look on my face. “Are you okay?”

I nod and take the water from him. “Yeah, just thinking.”

“Rose is already planning group dates.” Poe chuckled. “You really don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”

“I don’t mind.”

“I promise that I’ll take you to the movies and get you flowers and whatnot. Dinner. Coffee. I owe you big time.”

“I don’t need romantic stuff. But we can hang out and hold hands. And I’ll just say that I don’t like PDA if Rose asks why we don’t kiss.” I shrug. 

Poe pulls me into a huge hug. “You’re the best, Niima.”

“So, how long have you known?”

“That I’m gay or that I like Finn?”

I blush. “I wasn’t going to ask, but… I can put two and two together.”

“I know. You’re not great at hiding your thoughts. I think… I think I knew because I liked him.” Poe took a drink of his beer. “I’ve only ever told one other person before you.”

Lily. This whole town was like a giant web. Everyone and everything connected. “What was she like?”

“She was always super bright and happy. She cared a lot about other people and always wanted to help people. You could tell her anything and she would just sit and listen and accept it all. And then… I’m not sure what changed. She started getting really angry with everyone at the start of last year. It was like she was a completely different person. She would sneak out in the middle of the night and, for a while, I would cover for her. She’d come back with bruises and be really out of it. I know now that it was the drugs. Her grades went to shit. And then she started hanging out with _him._ And sometimes she would disappear for days. One time she was gone for a week. Wouldn’t tell anyone where she had been or who she was with. My parents didn’t really care. Addiction runs in the family.” Poe took a big swig of his drink before continuing. “It was Leia- Principal Organa who was trying to help us the most. The last time… It was April… And Lily had been missing for a week again… And I get a call from her. And she’s crying. Begging for help. And she tells me where she is. But by the time I got there, the ambulances had already arrived. And they told me that she had overdosed. And he was there. With her. He’s the reason she died. He was the one with the drugs.”

I swallow as Poe goes quiet. His eyes are swimming with pain and tears. I want to ask how Poe was so certain, but I was careful. _One wrong word and he could blow up._ I reached a tentative hand out to his shoulder. “I’m so sorry, Poe.”

He huffed and sniffled. “Thanks- ah- for listening.”

“I’m always here.” I smile. “She was lucky to have a brother like you.”

Poe shook his head. “I wasn’t enough. And now she’s gone. And he’s still here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! I hope you’re enjoying this so far :) I hope to post one chapter a day or every other day. Not sure how many chapters there will be just yet but I am determined to finish this! And I have nothing else to do during quarantine. Say hi in the comments!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hold  
> Hold on  
> Hold on to me  
> 'Cause I'm a little unsteady  
> A little unsteady”
> 
> -Unsteady, X Ambassadors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: PTSD, Abuse

I’m still thinking about what Poe told me when I walk into Luke’s waiting area on Thursday. Ben wouldn’t stay out of my thoughts either. Or my dreams for that matter. I tried not to watch him in art class, but it was impossible. There was still so much I wanted to know, but it wasn’t my place. 

Luke meets me in the lobby and waves me into the room on the right. It’s set up more like a private lounge room with couches and chairs around the perimeter. There are a few people sitting there already, but I don’t recognize them. I sigh a breath of relief and take a seat on an empty couch. Luke sits in a grey armchair with a cup of tea. “We’re just waiting for one more. Oh, there he is.”

I glance at the doorway and freeze as Ben walks through the door. Shit. If he notices me, he doesn’t care. He just sits in an armchair in the corner and sulks. 

Luke takes a deep breath and smiles. “So, welcome back everyone. As you can see, we have a newcomer today. So, say hello to Rey.”

“Hi, Rey.” I’m met with some enthusiasm, some cheerful, and some bored faces. I smile and give a small wave. 

“We will start how we usually do- with names and how we’re doing today. And then Rey, if she’s feeling up to it, can say a little bit about herself.” Luke smiles. “I’m Luke and today I’m doing pretty well. It’s been a bit of a rough week, but I’m getting through it.”

Ben scoffs, but Luke ignores it. 

“I’m Ana.” The girl next to Luke pipes up next. “I’ve had a pretty good week. I’ve taken my meds every night and I’ve been writing a lot in my journal.”

“Good.” Luke smiles.

“Blorn.” The next kid is big, scruffy. He shrugs massive shoulders. “It’s not been great.” 

“Rey.” I shift uncomfortably. “It’s been pretty good, I guess. Lots of changes.”

Luke smiles and nods and moves on to the girl beside me. Her hair is platinum blond, a permanent scowl on her face. “Amy. It’s great.” Judging by her voice, it wasn’t great. 

“D’Acy.” The girl grinned. She was skinny with dirt on her nose. “It’s been pretty good, even though mom started drinking again. I’m just happy that we have a new person. Hi, Rey!”

I feel an instant need to protect her. I wave back meekly. The eyes in the room shift to Ben and he looks up with dark uncaring eyes. “Ben. Fine.” His eyes flicker to mine and then slip away. 

“Okay.” Luke took a sip of his tea. “Rey, would you like to say anything to the group?”

“Uh… Yeah. I guess. Um… I’m Rey.” I fold my hands nervously into my lap. “I just got placed in a foster home here. I guess I scared everyone in Jakku off, so they sent me here. I really like it so far. My foster mom is really nice and I’ve made some friends already and that never happens. Most of my foster parents have been pretty shitty. I’ve kinda started dating one of my friends-” I pause partly because I realize I can’t tell them about Poe, not with Ben there. And also because he’s staring at me with that intense look in his eyes. “I’ve also never done that before. So, it’s just been a lot of changes lately. And I’m trying to give myself the time and space to process it all… Listening to music and stuff.”

“It’s really important to give yourself that time to process. That sounds like a lot of things to take in.” Luke nods. “Does anyone have anything they want to say to Rey?”

“Is he cute? Your boyfriend? What’s his name?” D’acy gleams. “I’m not a fan of boyfriends, but I’m sure yours is great.”

“Ah, yeah. He’s pretty cute. His name is Poe.” I glance up at Ben and he’s not looking at me anymore, his hand in a fist. 

“What happened to your previous homes?” Blorn asks. “I was in the system too.”

I smile. “Uh… Well, most of them got their license revoked after me.”

“Sweet.” Blorn nods at me in approval and respect. 

“What’s something you hope to get from coming to therapy, Rey?” Luke asks, tea in hand. 

“I guess… I’m not sure. I go because I have to. But, I don’t mind it. Someone else to talk to, you know. There’s a lot of things I don’t like thinking about and therapy helps some.”

“Would you like to talk about some of those things?” Luke gives a little push. I shake my head. “That’s okay. Who else wants to share today?”

When I walk into the art room the next day, he’s sitting there drawing again. I sit down, trying to ignore him. 

“I can ask Luke to move me.” He says it so softly I think I’m imagining it. 

“Oh. No. That’s okay. I don’t mind.” I bite my lip. It was better that I couldn’t tell anyone about Poe, even the group. He had been so sweet, and I really liked the company. 

“So you and Dameron.”

Shit. “Ah… Yeah.”

“Did you ask him?”

Ask him. Oh, he was serious about that. “He told me about Lily.”

“What about her?” Ben’s voice is low again. There’s so much pain in his voice I can hardly take it. 

But who was he to care about her? Who was he when he was the one who was there when she nearly died. My voice comes out as a growl. “He told me she met you and she would disappear for days and come back with bruises. He told me you were there when she died and that you gave her the drugs.”

Ben’s eyes flare and he stands up so violently his seat goes flying back into the wall. I jump and suddenly I can’t breathe. The room around me disappears and I’m back in a cold, dark room, Unkarr Plutt above me and his fists are coming down like thunder. We’re surrounded by sand and I’m choking on it.

“Rey! Rey!” It’s not Plutt’s voice. It’s… Ben’s? The darkness of the room brightens and I’m back in the art classroom, no longer at my desk. I’ve wedged myself in the corner of the room and Ben is kneeling next to me. “Rey, are you okay? What’s wrong?”

I- I can’t… I can’t breathe. I need…” Tears race down my cheeks. 

“Hey, it’s okay.” His voice is so soft and soothing. “Do you need to go somewhere else? To calm down?”

I nod and let him help me off the ground. He leads me through a side door, through the kiln room, then a service corridor. There’s a ladder at the end of the hall and I climb it up to a blue door. Ben opens it and I walk out onto the catwalks above the auditorium. The room is filled quiet and I can see Rose talking with the vocal teacher on stage. Ben presses his finger to his lips and leads me to a curtain. 

There’s a little door that I guess is for storing the curtains away, judging by the placement of the curtain track. He opens the door and climbs through and I follow him. I think I’m in a daze. Inside, Ben flips a light on and suddenly I’m in a little room, just empty space between the wall of the auditorium and the outside. There are blankets and pillows and the wall is covered in amazing charcoal drawings. He’s jury-rigged a lamp and even a little table out of boxes. 

I take a deep, shaky breath as I try to come back down. Ben runs his fingers through his hair. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I won’t ever do it again.”

“No, I upset you. It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay,” he murmurs. He pulls out his phone and starts typing. 

“What are you doing?”

“Telling my mom what’s going on so she doesn’t put the school on lockdown.” 

“Oh.” Good idea. The darkness flashes through my head again and I gasp, freezing up. I put my hands in my head trying to make them go away. “I think I need to sit.”

His hand gently touches my arm and he leads me over to the nest of blankets and pillows. I sit and pull my knees to my chest and cry. He sits across from me and says nothing at all. I’m not sure how long I cry, only that he’s still there when I finish, staring at the floor in front of him. I sniffle and wipe away my tears. A flashback. I breathe. It was just a flashback. Caused by PTSD from trauma. I am safe and I’m okay. 

“Do you want me to get Rose or Finn or Poe?” He glances at me. I know what saying that meant for him. Why would he do that for me? 

I shake my head. “No… I think… I’m okay now. Thanks.”

“Yeah.” He looks back down at his hands. 

I look up at the pictures on the wall trying to take deep breaths. “Did you do these?”

“Yeah.” There’s a little smile on his face. 

“They’re really good.” I study a picture of a pickup truck, a tree, a shoe… A girl. I don’t have to ask to know who it is. Lily. She has long dark hair, a beaming smile. She’s holding an ice cream cone and laughing. “Were you and Lily… Dating?” I ask softly. 

“No. Just friends. She was like my sister. Why are you so curious? Why do you care?” His voice is low, dark. 

I didn’t know why I cared. I didn’t know why I cared about him or why everything kept revolving around him. I didn’t understand my dreams or why he was so familiar. I don’t know how to tell him. “I… Poe.”

“Ah.” Ben nods and starts to stand. “Right. I should go. He probably won’t be too happy when he hears I stole away his girlfriend.”

“Don’t go.” 

Ben stiffens then slowly relaxes back down.

“I don’t… I can’t explain it, but I care about you.” His eyes meet mine and I quickly add, “I care about other people too much. Get attached too easily. I try not to.”

“Me, too.” He smiles a little and glances at me. “I know what Poe thinks. We’ve hated each other forever, even before Lily. we used to be friends though.”

“I just… Want to know what happened. I don’t know why. I just know that I need to know. Maybe I want to help, though I know that I can’t.” I shrug. 

“Lily… She got in bad with some people. Bad people. Mostly this guy, the leader of the gang here, Snoke. He got her addicted, abused her… And she came to me for help because… I worked for him.” Tears started falling down Ben’s cheeks. His fists clenched and he stared hard at the ground. “I tried to help her detox. I tried…”

Ben’s voice broke. I want to reach out and touch him, comfort him. “Why haven't you told Poe any of this?”

“He won’t listen to me. He’s convinced I’m the reason she died and in a way, he’s right. I brought her the drugs. I was careless and she got a hold of the whole dose.” His eyes meet mine. “Stay away from me, Rey. I’ll only hurt you. Poe’s a good guy, better than me.”

Faintly, I hear the bell ring. Ben stands and holds his hand out to me. I take his hand and he pulls me to my feet. I follow him back across the catwalk and down the ladder, through the service hall back to the empty art classroom. I grab my things and by the time I’m ready to go, he’s already gone. 

When I get to Mr. Solo’s class, Ben’s chair is empty. 

His chair stays empty on Monday. Tuesday, during my afternoon free period, Principal Organa appears at the entrance of the student lounge where I’m studying with Rose. 

“Rey?” She beckons me over and I approach her nervously. She smiles gently. “You’re not in trouble, I just wanted to talk with you for a bit.”

I follow Principal Organa to an empty classroom and she leans casually against one of the desks, her arms folded. She seems like she’s thinking over what to say, the wheels turning in her mind behind her cat eyeglasses. Finally, she takes a deep breath. “Ben told me what happened. Are you okay?”

I nod. “I’m okay.”

“And everything is okay with Maz? Therapy? Friends?”

I nod. “I get flashbacks sometimes… Usually, loud noises trigger them. But, I’m okay. I’m dealing with them and getting treated.”

“That’s good. And I’m always here if you need help, Rey. You’ve only been here a short while and it seems like you’re adjusting well.” She looks at me like she wants to say more, but can’t decide if she should. “That’s all, Rey.”

“Okay.” I frown, confused. “Is it about Ben?”

She glances at me and furrows her brow. “Yes. But, it’s not my place as a mother or a principal. If you want to be friends with him… That is up to you. I only ask you… As his mother… To be careful.” She gives me a sad, little smile.

There’s so much pain that I’ve unknowingly walked into. “Is he okay? He wasn’t in class yesterday.”

“He’s okay, Rey. That’s all.” Principal Organa dismisses me with a nod and a smile. 

I walk back and sit down next to Rose, wondering how I got caught up in the middle of it all. 

“What did she want?” Rose chewed on the end of her pen. 

“Just wondering how I’m settling in.” It’s not quite a lie, but enough to make my stomach roll with guilt. 

“Sooooo?” Rose’s eyes sparkle. 

“So what?”

“Has Poe asked you on a date yet?”

“Nope.” I crack open my Physics textbook. 

“That boy. I’ll talk to him.”

I smile and shake my head. “It’s okay. You don’t need to meddle.”

Rose rolls her eyes. “But, I like meddling. It’s so much fun. And you’ve been so quiet on the details of your closet time and I want to knowwww.”

“There’s not much to tell, Rose. We talked a little and he kissed me. And now we sometimes hold hands.” I shrug. That’s what people in relationships do right?

I catch Poe at his locker at the end of the day and let him give me a chaste kiss on my cheek. He shrugs his backpack over his shoulders. 

“What’s up, girl?” Poe winks and I laugh. 

“How did I ever think you were straight?” I say quietly. 

“Maybe it’s my distracting good looks and charm.” Poe raises his eyebrow. 

“Rose was wondering when we were going to go on our first date?”

“Is that so?” Poe’s eye sparkle. “That girl is going to be the death of me. Are you free Friday? I’ll take you on a traditional New Republic date.”

“And what would that be?”

“A movie and ice cream downtown.” Poe grins. “Pick you up at 7:30? Movie starts at eight?”

“Yeah,” I grin but it’s half-hearted. I didn’t like lying to Rose. And never mind the fact that I had a heart to heart with Ben Solo in his secret auditorium nook. My heart sank with the thought of Poe finding out about it. I want to tell him what Ben said but it’s not my place. I can’t help and I shouldn’t get involved. 

“You okay?” Poe frowns. 

“Yeah. I’m good. Just a long week already, you know.” 

“Yeah. Tell me about it. The English comp papers are killing me.”

One five-page paper a week plus three ten-page research papers throughout the semester. It was a lot. College level. “Me, too.”

“I should get to practice. But I’m excited for our date.” 

The rest of the week goes quickly. Ben is back in class on Wednesday but he doesn’t say anything. Mostly just tries to ignore me. I’m almost certain he won’t be in therapy but he’s there when I walk in. I take a seat and Luke starts right away. 

“Okay. How are we feeling?” We go around the circle and when he gets to me I can only shrug. Luke eyes me. “Okay, we will come back to you.”

Shit. I just wanted to get through therapy today and not talk about everything going on in my head but of course that is the point of therapy. 

“Okay, Rey, would you like to go first?” Luke looks at me expectantly. 

“It’s been… Kind of a rough week. I had a flashback at school,” I glance up from my hands and Ben is looking at me. There’s a hint of worry in his eyes. “But I had a… Friend help me and calm me down. I’m okay now. They’re very rare but really scary.”

“Was there something that triggered it?” 

“A loud crash… A chair fell over.” I glance up at Luke then back down at my hands. “I think it just reminded me of my first foster parent.”

“Thank you for sharing that, Rey.” Luke nods like he’s ready to move on but I stop him. 

“There’s also… I’m feeling really guilty. About lying to my friends. One of them asked me to keep a secret from the other two. And it’s a really big and important one that I can’t tell. I guess… I just don’t know how to not feel guilty for hiding things.” I glance up again at Luke and my eyes flicker to Ben. He’s no longer looking at me and seems to be really interested in a piece of lint on the couch. 

“That sounds like a big dilemma, Rey. Does anyone in the group have any advice for her?”

D’Acy raises her hand. “I don’t think you should feel bad. I mean if this secret is as important as you say it is, then you’re being a good friend by hiding it. Maybe try thinking about it more as helping and less as lying.” 

“I think I try to help too much.” I laugh softly, thinking over the last week.

“Especially when it’s something that I should just leave alone. I just want to help… And then I just get caught in the middle of a war that I have no part in.”

“Sounds like there’s a lot going on for you right now, Rey.”

I nod. 

“How is wanting to help people bad?” D’Acy asks. 

“Well,” Luke pauses thinking over his answer. “It’s not, usually. But I think what Rey is trying to express is over-helping or over-empathy. Trying to help others at the detriment of herself. Does that sound fair to you, Rey?”

I nod slowly. “Sometimes I think I would take a bullet for a stranger.” 

“It’s important to help other people, but it’s also important to help yourself and take care of yourself. Do you think you’re going to dive further into this war you’re talking about, Rey?” 

I truly had no idea. Maybe it would be better to leave Poe and Ben to their own devices. But I couldn’t help caring about both of them and the ghost between them. I wanted to help them. I wanted to soothe the wounds and mend the scars. I wanted to know the mysterious kid in front of me. I could see him, and when he looked at me it felt like he could see me too. 

“I don’t know.” 

“Well, please keep us apprised of any further developments, Rey. Thank you for sharing.” 

I’m not sure what first dates are supposed to be like, but for a fake first date this was pretty fun. I giggled as Poe bit into his ice cream.

“Who bites into their ice cream? You’re a psychopath!” 

“I don’t have time to just sit here and lick. You got to chew it.” Poe smiles his goofy grin. 

The ice cream shop is apparently the place to be on Friday nights in Republic. There’s live music in the courtyard between the movie theater and the ice cream parlor and people are milling around chatting and enjoying each other’s company. And here I am on a fake first date with the closeted gay boy I am slowly starting to consider my best friend. 

Poe takes me back home and I’m there well before my 11 pm curfew. I walk in and say hi to Maz who is watching some old black and white movie on her tiny TV. 

“How was the date?” Her eyes twinkle. I think she’s happy to see me making friends. 

“Good.” I smile. The night is nice and I feel the sudden urge to just sit outside in the night time and soak it all in. I walk through the kitchen and go to sit on the back porch. The night is quiet, peaceful. There’s a hum of wildlife and people getting ready for bed. 

A light goes on in the window of the house in front of me. I watch as a figure comes to the window and opens it. They climb through the window and out into the roof. As they close the window and sneak across the roof, I get a glimpse of their face. Ben. I frown. I didn’t know he lived there. But that was beside the point. Why was he sneaking out? 

Why do you care? Why do I care? Why should I? I knew the path poking further at this would lead me down and it wasn’t a good one. Already there was a dead girl and a drug dealer involved. And a dark boy with a heart of gold. A boy who is probably just as or even more messed up than me. But that was exactly it, isn’t it? That’s why I can’t let him go. 

_Let it go, Niima. Not your place. Keep your head low. Don’t make trouble. Maz is the best thing that ever happened to you. Don’t fuck it up._

Fine. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Since I know that this story gets into some really heavy stuff with mental health, I just wanted to talk about it and give you some insight on what’s going on in my head as I write it. 
> 
> First of all, I just want to make it clear that I am NOT a doctor or mental health professional, but I always encourage everyone to reach out to one.
> 
> I’ve struggled a lot with mental illness throughout my life, but especially in high school. I was unmedicated and there were no resources for me to get the therapy that I needed. Combined with unsupportive parents who didn’t believe I was as sick as I was, that made for a traumatic junior and senior year for me. Writing this story is apart of my therapy and healing process today, nearly five years after graduating high school. As such, a lot of Rey’s experiences with mental illness and therapy are based off of my own. 
> 
> I hope that this story encourages you to reach out for help if you need it and know that you are not alone. If you want to write about your own experiences in the comments, feel free to do that. I only ask that you provide trigger warnings and know that while I am here for you, I am not a mental health professional. 
> 
> Welcome :) and Hello there! And may the force be with you!
> 
> National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255  
> SAMHSA Hotline: 1-800-985-5990
> 
> If these hotlines are busy, please try your state or local numbers by typing “(state/city) Suicide hotline” into a search engine.
> 
> And above all, if you or someone you know is in immediate danger call 911 for help.
> 
> Love you all! Stay safe <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “This city's gonna break my heart  
> This city's gonna love me then leave me alone  
> This city's got me chasing stars  
> It's been a couple months since I felt like I'm home  
> Am I getting closer to knowing where I belong?  
> This city's gonna break my heart  
> She's always gonna break your heart, oh”
> 
> -This City, Sam Fischer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mentions of Drugs, Abuse

That plan lasted roughly two weeks. I found myself watching curiously every night as Ben came to his window and slipped out. Two weeks of it. I lasted two weeks before my curiosity got the better of me and I skipped lunch to look for him in the only place I knew to look for him. The auditorium cubby. 

I make my way through the service hall and up the ladder and across the catwalk. There’s a soft glow of light coming from the cracks around the cubby door, so I open it and crawl in to find Ben wielding a lamp in self-defense. 

“Jesus Christ. Dammit, Rey, you scared the shit out of me.” Ben put the lamp down, breathing hard. “What do you want?” 

_ Okay, grumpy.  _

“I want to know why you’re sneaking out every night.” 

Ben's face goes pale white. “What?”

“Are you still working for him?”

“Who?” Ben is bewildered, confused. 

“Snake. Don’t deny it I can- why are you laughing.” I put my hands on my hips and frown. 

“Snoke. His name is Snoke. And I’m not working for him. I’m trying to take him down.”

_ Well shit. I’m in.  _

“What do you mean take him down?”

Ben huffs. “Don’t get involved.”

“It’s a little too late for that, seeing how everyone keeps confiding their secrets to me. I’m already lying to Rose and Finn. And keeping your side of the story from Poe because… well, because you’re right. He wouldn’t believe it anyway. And seeing as I’m his girlfriend, I’d say I’m pretty damned involved already. What do you mean take him down?”

“I mean that I am going to make him pay for what he did to Lily. In any way I can- damn the consequences.” Ben growls. He’s in a distant place for a second before he comes back to me. “I’m trying to get enough information, evidence, anything I can to make sure he rots. And if I can, I’m going to make him wish he was never born.”

“I’m in.”

Ben's eyes flash. “I didn’t ask for company.”

“And I wasn’t asking permission. You need me. I’m an expert in taking down bad guys.”

“Rey, Snoke is beyond bad. He’s a drug king with a huge network and immense influence.” Ben sighs exasperated. “He’s not a joke.”

“And abusive foster parents are?” I could see Ben's point but I was not about to let him win the argument. 

That is enough to shut Ben up. He stares at the floor for a long time and I can see the wheels turning in his head. He looks like his mother when he thinks. 

“I see what you mean now.” He says quietly. 

“About what?” 

“Wanting to help to your own detriment.” 

Therapy. Right. I shrug. “So? Sue me.” 

“Poe can’t know.” Ben glances up at me. 

More secrets. I nod. “Okay. What do you have so far?” 

“Rey, I don’t think you understand.” Ben lets out an annoyed sigh. “I’m not letting you get involved.”

“I’ll tell Poe and your mother.” I raise my eyebrows. “I will tell them what you’re trying to do. And that won’t be fun for anyone.”

“Yeah, and how are you going to explain that to your boyfriend, huh?” Ben picks up his bags and a half-eaten lunch. “Stay out of it, Rey. If you get involved you’ll only get hurt.”

He goes to leave and I step in front of him. There’s a fire in his eyes, and I think I see him try to suppress a smirk. “Are you always this stubborn?”

“Are you always an ass?”

His eyes narrow and he picks me up. I screech as he moves me to the side with surprising ease and climbs out of the cubby. So the answer was yes. 

Two weeks pass and I don’t see him climb out his window again. I go back to the cubby, but it’s dark, cleared out. He’s found a new place to hide. Classes are constant and I have three hours of homework every night. On top of that, Rose has me trying to gather enough girls to form her women in STEM club- FEM STEM while she finds a teacher to sponsor the club.

“What about Mr. Solo?”

Rose bites her lip as she thinks it over. “I mean, he’s not exactly a science teacher, but he might know about Robotics. I’ll ask him. It sucks that all the science teachers already have clubs.”

I shrug. “I really like his class so far. We’re starting to work on our big semester project this week. I think I'll find out who my partner is today.”

“Ooooo! That’s so exciting. I got my cart to go five hundred meters. It’s the school record.”

“I’ll have to try to beat it then.” I grin and Rose laughs. 

“You can try.” Her face is mock-serious. “No, but seriously that would be awesome.”

“Speaking of which, I should probably head that way.” I glance at my watch. 

“Okay! Are we still on for coffee?”

I nod and we go our separate ways. I make my way to the shop and take a seat and Mr. Solo begins his lesson. 

“Today, we’re going to start our semester-long project where you and a partner will be building a cart from scratch. It must have a seat and be able to support the weight of one person, but other than that there are no limits. At the end of the semester, there will be a competition to see who’s cart can go the longest on a quarter gallon of gas. The school record is five hundred and one meters. No, you may not pick your partners.” Mr. Solo grabs a piece of paper off his desk and leans against it. He rattles off the list and by the time he gets to me I already know who my partner is because there’s no one else left. Ben Solo glares at me from across the room.  _ Perfect.  _

“These next month you’ll be working with your partner to come up with three designs that you will use CAD to make the mockup. You’ll run simulations and come up with the best design you can. You will then build physical mockups before you move on to building the actual cart. You  _ will  _ run into problems. You  _ will  _ be graded on how well you deal with the problems. I’ll be here for questions but I do expect you to use your brains and find solutions on your own. As long as you don’t blow yourself up, I won’t interfere. That’s a lot of paperwork and I don’t have time for it.” Mr. Solo surveys the classroom with his usual coolness. “Alright, get to it.”

Ben doesn’t seem to be moving, so I pick up my stuff and go to sit beside him. He shifts away, a sour look on his face. Was I really that revolting? “You don’t have to like me to work with me.”

He casts me a glare and huffs. I open my notebook, pissed. “Fine. If you’re going to be like that I guess I’ll just do it myself.”

He doesn’t say anything as I start brainstorming and sketching kart chassis designs. It needed to be lightweight, but strong enough to support the engine and a person. Does it need to have steering capabilities? Acceleration control? Definitely at least an emergency break. I mark these down with question marks. 

“It just needs to turn on and go in a straight line,” Ben grumbles. 

“Are you reading my notes?” I look at him out of the corner of my eye and raise my eyebrow with a smirk. “Look who’s getting involved now.”

“You’re my partner. I’m already involved.”

“Eh, doesn’t seem like it. Maybe you shouldn’t be involved. It’s dangerous.” I shrug.

“It is dangerous,” Ben grumbles. “And you shouldn’t be involved.”

“Sure, maybe I shouldn’t, but I want to be. I care about Poe and by extension Lily. Which means I care what you’re up to. Which means I want to help.” My voice is low, low enough to keep the tables around us from hearing what I’m saying. “You can’t do it alone.”

Ben sets his jaw and there’s a twitch in his neck. “No, Rey.”

“Why not?”

His eyes are like fire- barely contained rage when he turns to me. His voice is low and dangerous. “Because I know who he is and what he does and what he’s done. He will take you in his grasp and he will squeeze until there’s nothing left of you but him. He will take every ounce of happiness and hope in your life and he will make sure they’re dead. I have a plan and I have nothing left to lose and I can’t have little girls like you fucking it up. Leave it the fuck alone, Rey.”

Ben snatches his things and stands. The classroom goes quiet as he leaves, their eyes following him. Mr. Solo watches his son leave without a word. He glances at me and I just shake my head. 

I can’t let it go. Everything keeps bringing me back to Ben and his plans. When I’m not studying or talking to Rose or with Poe, I’m thinking about him. And… Even when I am doing those things I’m thinking about him. Maybe it's the pure fact that I know now. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m drawn to him for some reason. I just know that I can’t let it go. That I won’t let it go. 

It’s getting colder, slowly, as summer turns to fall. It’s a Saturday evening and I’m in Maz’s garden pulling the last of her summer vegetables. I can’t stop myself from glancing up at Ben’s window. I’m almost finished and the sun is setting when the light in his room goes on. 

I tell myself it’s my curiosity that sends me hurtling over the fence and into the Solo’s backyard. That it’s the desire to help that has me scaling the trellis attached to their covered back porch. That it’s not the feeling I get when I’m around him that has me tapping on the pane of his window and scaring him out of his chair. He glares at me, but eventually opens his window when he realizes that I’m not leaving. 

“What the hell, Rey?”

“Did I scare you?” I giggle as I crawl through his window into his bedroom. 

“Are you insane? Like, actually? Are you actually insane?” Ben’s eyes are wide and he’s running his fingers through his hair. I would be lying if I said it wasn’t fun to watch him freak out a little bit and not be so sullen all the time. He goes to the door and peeks out into the hall. 

“I dunno. I can ask Luke.” I gaze around his room, taking it in. It’s not really what I expected, but I’m not sure what I did expect. Art covers almost every inch of the walls- portraits, landscapes, objects, comics, characters… Everything under the sun, Ben had drawn. And damn could he draw. His desk is filled with more paper and supplies. There’s a full-sized bed shoved in the corner with black sheets. I couldn’t see Ben in any other color. There’s a sagging bookshelf crammed with books and there’s a speaker system on top of it. There are speakers in each corner of the room. It’s messy, but like a chaotic artist type of messy. I stop looking around when I realize he’s staring at me. “What? Never had a girl in here before?”

“Just Lily,'' he says softly.  _ Right. Now I’m the ass.  _ “What are you doing here?”

“Well…” What was I doing here? “Just thought that I would pop in. See how the whole ‘take Snoke down’ plan was coming along.”

“Are you ever going to give up?”

I shake my head and he groans, frustrated. He gives me the look of a man who is done with my shit and has finally given up. “You really are the most stubborn person I’ve ever met.”

“You haven’t looked in a mirror before?” I smirk and take a seat on his bed. 

“If I just… Tell you everything, will that be enough to satisfy you?”

“I’m never satisfied.” Oh, gods. Am I flirting? I’m flirting. Ben goes red and so do I. 

“Your boyfriend is going to kill me if he ever finds out any of this, Rey. Okay? You can’t tell anyone any of this ever.”

“He’s not-”  _ My boyfriend _ . I almost let it slip. “He’s not going to kill you.”

Ben scoffs. “May I remind you that we put each other in the hospital not even five months ago.”

_ Fair point.  _

“I won’t tell him anything,” I say softly. “I won’t tell anyone. Just tell me, please.”

He studies me for a moment and I think that he’s going to make me leave. Instead, he shakes his head. “Fine.”

He walks over to the bed and pulls a knife out from under his pillow. My eyes go wide, but he only kneels down and wedges the blade between his floorboards and pops one up. There’s a narrow space between the floor joists, perfect for hiding things. Inside, there’s a bunch of pieces of paper, photographs, and a bag of small, colorful pills. 

“Is that Molly?”

“Uh, yeah.”

“I thought you said you didn’t work for him anymore!”

Ben slaps a hand over my mouth. “Quiet, Jesus. My mom is just down the hall.”

“Then tell me why you have a shit ton of molly in your floorboards.” I hiss. 

“The only way to get close to Snoke is to sell for him. I said I don’t work for him cause I don’t. Technically. I sell at parties, just Molly. Nothing else. Okay? If you can’t handle this, leave.”

I nod slowly. “Is that why you were at Poe’s party?”

He nods. “If I don’t keep up with sales, people start to get suspicious. People start to get suspicious, I wind up with a gun to my head. I’m not fucking around, Rey.”

I swallow. “Okay… Continue.”

“I don’t have a lot yet. I was one…” Ben takes a deep breath. “I was one of Snoke’s favorites before Lily died. Now, I’m starting from ground zero. I know a lot, but I have nothing to prove it. He’s meticulous. Makes everyone else do his dirty work. I could testify, but… It wouldn’t be enough.”

“So you’ve been sneaking out trying to get hard proof of a crime.” I take the photos from his hands and start going through them. “Building a case. Isn’t there someone else? The FBI or someone? Looking into this guy?”

Ben shrugs. “I’m sure. But the sheriff here just looks the other way. Snoke has a lot of people paid off.”

“Rey!” Maz’s voice floats in through the open window. 

“Shit.” I shove the pictures back into Ben’s hands and hurry to the window. As I slip out, I catch his eye. He’s watching me with… Amusement? Is that what that is? “Don’t think you’re getting out of this. I’m coming over tomorrow.”

Before he can say anything else, I lower myself from the roof and hop back over the fence. Maz is inside in the kitchen making a cup of tea. She raises an eyebrow when I come in. 

“Oh, shoot the veggies.” I hurry back outside and grab my baskets. She’s still got that look in her face when I bring the stuff in. “What?”

“Were you in the backyard the whole time?” 

“Ah…” Shoot. Think. “No. I went for a little walk.”

Maz nods slowly. “Just let me know first next time.”

“Right. Sorry,” I say sheepishly. 

“Off to bed with you.” Maz takes a sip of her tea and starts inspecting the harvest. Another day, another lie. I watch her guiltily for a while then slip upstairs for a bath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been struggling a lot with how I want this story to go. I think I've been stuck on chapter eleven for about a week now. Such is the struggle! I'm slowly figuring it out, but chapter releases may not be daily. I don't want to each chapter as I finish it so that I can go back and make changes as necessary (which is what I did all of today!). Also, please be advised that tags may be changing depending on chapters eleven and beyond.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I won't tell you I'm lonely  
> 'Cause it might be selfish  
> I won't ask you to hold me  
> 'Cause that won't mend what's helpless”
> 
> -Out of Love, Alessia Cara

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !TW: Suicidal Thoughts, Depression

The nightmares started that night. I was falling, drowning, then running. Plutt lumbering after me screaming. I couldn’t run fast enough. Sand caught my feet pulling me down. Couldn’t get away. I woke screaming as his fists descended. 

“Rey!” Maz sat at the edge of my bed trying to shake me awake as I screamed. I slowly came back to my senses, realizing where I was. I sat up in bed covered in sweat. 

“You were screaming for your parents.” Maz looked up at me with her huge bespectacled eyes. 

“Oh.”

“Are you okay?” 

I take a deep breath and nod. “Just a nightmare.” 

“Do you want to talk about it?” 

“No… it’s fine. It’s nothing.” It wasn’t nothing. Maz gives me a knowing look. 

“Do you want some tea?” 

I nod and follow her down to the kitchen where she makes me a cup of camomile. 

“Is everything going okay, Rey? School? Friends?”

I wasn’t sure what that had to do with my nightmare. I nod anyway. I’d always had nightmares, but these were different.

I hardly slept that night. Every time I close my eyes I’m running away again. There’s nowhere safe. Nowhere to run too. I can only keep running. 

I get up early because I was already awake. I do all the dishes, wash all the vegetables, and clean the entire downstairs before Maz even comes down the stairs. She takes a sleepy look at my work and mumbled, “There go my Sunday plans.”

I smirk and offer her a cup of coffee and a plate of breakfast. “I couldn’t sleep.”

“Do you want to schedule an appointment with Luke?”

I shake my head. “No, that’s okay. I’ll just have things to talk about in group this week.”

Maz narrows her eyes but accepts my answer. “What are your plans for today?”

“Ah…” I couldn’t tell her. Not about Poe. Not about Ben. She knew about what happened between them- everyone did. Everything was getting so messy. “I think I’m going to go wonder around downtown and maybe go to the coffee shop to get my homework done.” 

I’m definitely not going to sneak over to my Principal’s house to talk with my fake boyfriend’s mortal enemy about his sister who said enemy was probably in love with and hatch a plot to take down the man that killed her. Nope. That’s crazy talk. 

“Okay, hun. Just let me know if any of that changes. I’ll just be at the bar going through the books and taking inventory if you need me.” Maz eyes me carefully. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah, totally.”  _ Liar.  _ My stomach turns but I turn my head so Maz can’t see the look on my face. 

The day is sunny and warm so I take a book and sit out on the back porch, mostly watching Ben’s window for any sign of him being awake or wanting to talk. It’s well past noon and Maz has already left for the bar when I see movement. My heart races as I leap over the fence and climb up to his window. I look in and immediately flatten myself against the side of the house. Because Ben is inside. And he is shirtless, a towel around his waist from the shower. 

Maybe the front door is the better option. I climb down and make my way to the front yard. An old classic car is sitting in the driveway with legs sticking out from under it.

“Hello?” I ask tentatively. 

Mr. Solo slides out from under the car and jumps up. He looks like he usually does in class, cool and casual in jeans and a grease-stained white t-shirt. His face brightens when he sees me. “Hey, kid. What can I do for you?”

“Ah, well…” I really should think these things through more. “I’m actually looking for Ben. For the small engines project.”

“You know you don’t have to spend any outside class time on that right?”

“I know.” I shrug. “I just wanna get a head start. Gotta beat Rose, right?” 

Mr. Solo raises his eyebrows. “She wouldn’t be giving you tips would she?”

“Nope. I already asked and she already turned me down.”

“Good. Come on in.” Mr. Solo picks up a shop tag and wipes his hands on it as he leads me inside. “Ben!”

“What?” I hear Ben yell from upstairs.

“There’s a girl here for you!” Mr. Solo winks playfully at me. He’s such a dad. Not that I would know. “Leia’s at the store.”

“I don’t know any girls, Dad- Oh. Hi, Rey.” Ben pauses at the bottom of the stairs when he sees me. Thankfully, he’s put on a black shirt and sweatpants. I let out a little breath. He gives me a confused look. 

“Ah- You said to come over to work on the small engine project.” I smile. 

“Right. Come on.” He starts to head back up the stairs. 

“Ah- Door open.” Mr. Solo calls after him. Ben groans. I giggle as I follow him upstairs, then realize that I didn’t even bring any school stuff with me. I wasn’t exactly here for school stuff, but it would have been good for cover. 

I follow Ben into his room and he stands there awkwardly for a moment. He runs his fingers through his still-damp hair and looks at me apprehensively. His bed is still messy but I glide past him and sit on it anyway. 

He groans. “This is a bad idea.”

“Yeah, and?” I raise my eyebrows. “Tell me everything.”

Ben sighs and walks over to his speaker system. He turns it on with a flick of a button and soft, sad indie music flows out of the speakers. Interesting. 

“I took you for a screamo kind of guy.”

Ben smirks with a little laugh. “Sometimes. It’s a little hard to talk over that though.”

He sits in his desk chair and faces me. He’s quiet for a while. His face falls and he shakes his head. “Why are you so stubborn? Why do you care? I’m not someone you should care about, Rey. Or even someone you should talk to.”

“Gods, Ben. Just let me help you.”

“Why?”

“Because you helped me. That makes you a friend. And I help my friends.”

“I don’t have friends.”

“You do now. And you’re not getting rid of me, so spill Solo.”

Ben takes a deep breath. “Snoke owns a couple of places on the southside. Warehouses where he makes his deals. He usually has other people deal and exchange, but there’s one coming. A big one, something that he really doesn’t want to fuck up. So, my guess is that he will be there making the deal himself.”

“When?”

Ben shrugs. “No idea. In the next month at least. All his boys are excited, though. They’re saying that it will take the operation to the next level. That they’re moving out of Republic to somewhere better.”

“So we’re running out of time.”

“ _ I am _ , yes. If the deal goes down and goes well, they’ll be out of Republic by the end of the year.”

“Who is Snoke? What does he look like?”

Ben grabs his knife and pops open the floorboards again. He hands me a picture of someone. His head is bald, covered in scars. With beady eyes and a twisted smile on his face.

Ben nods, his eyes going dark with pain. “He used to be a teacher. He liked to use the school as a recruiting ground.”

“Gods.” I cover my mouth with my hand, staring at the picture. “Is that… Is that how he found you?”

“Yeah.” Ben is quiet. “I was a freshman and I had a lot of issues. I still have a lot of issues.”

He laughs quietly and I want to reach out and comfort him. There was so much pain there, so much grief. “He couldn’t resist. I was perfect. The principal’s son. Desperate for love and attention. So easily twisted and broken.”

I can’t help it. I reach out and take his hand, sliding to the floor so that I’m looking up at him. He looks down at me in surprise. “My parents abandoned me when I was six. They found me in the dump. A literal dump. They placed me in foster care with this guy named Unkarr Plutt. He was an abusive asshole and I stayed with him for six years until I was old enough and smart enough to start documenting everything. And one night… It got really bad. I ran to my room and jumped out of the window and ran until I found a cop.”

“What happened?” Ben slides down to the floor to sit beside me against the bed. 

“He got arrested. He’s serving four years for abuse and battery of a minor. He’s actually supposed to get out in a few months.”

“I won’t let him hurt you.” Ben’s eyes are fierce. I furrow my eyebrows. What is it between us? What made him so different from Poe or any other guy? Besides being at least partially attracted to women.

“I won’t let Snoke hurt you… I made a vow that day that if I could take down a bad guy… Save someone else from the same fate as me… That I would do it. No matter the consequences. That’s why I’m here. That’s why I want to help.” 

“Okay,” Ben says softly. 

“It’s weird,” My eyes meet him and I’m swimming in the darkness. “It’s like I’ve known you for forever, but we’ve only just met.”

He looks away and I clear my throat and let go of his hand. Right.  _ Lily.  _ I shouldn’t feel jealous of a dead girl. They had to have been more than friends… And I was supposed to be dating Poe. Ben didn’t feel the same. He couldn’t. I’m just… Me. Trash girl. 

“So what’s the plan?” Ben asks. 

“Uh…” I pull out my phone. “We should exchange numbers. So that if anything happens you can let me know. And any pictures you get, you can send them to me and I can have a backup. And we should have a code word so that if you’re ever in danger I know that I should call the cops.”

“Right. Smart.” Ben pulls out his phone and we exchange numbers. “What should the code word be?”

“Uh… What about… Falcon.”

“The school mascot?”

“Yeah. Why not?”

Ben shrugs and we sit there listening to the music for a bit. It’s easy to be there with him in the quiet. 

“Were you in love with her?” I ask quietly.

“You don’t have to be in love with someone to want to save them.” 

Oh. I hadn’t been expecting that. “Can we be friends?”

“Do I have a choice?” He asks. But he’s smiling as he looks at me. “Do you always ask this many questions or is it just me?”

“Just you. You’re not like other people I’ve met.”

“Neither are you.”

“Nah. I’m nothing special.”

Every night, nightmares. The same ones over and over again, and each time I wake up screaming. 

“I don’t know what’s happening. I don’t know why it keeps happening.” Maz holds me as I cry, petting my hair as a sputter through my tears. 

When I wake up Thursday morning, I can’t move. I can’t talk. I can only curl up on my side, my knees to my chest. The thought of getting up and going to school is too much to think about. I stare at the wall. 

_ Die. Just stop existing. The pain will go away, the nightmares will stop if you just stop.  _

There’s a soft knock at my door and Maz opens it slowly. I don’t move to face her… I couldn’t. 

“Rey? Hun?”

_ Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop existing. I can’t. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t.  _

“Do you want me to call the school?”

_ Can’t. Can’t. Can’t do it. Can’t. Worthless.  _

“I’ll call the school. Just rest. I’ll be downstairs if you need anything.” Maz closes the door softly.

Tears race down my face, darkening my sheets. I don’t move. Everything is numb but in so much pain. 

_ I can’t. Can’t do this. It hurts to exist, why does it hurt to exist? Why does everything hurt? Make it stop. Please, make it stop. Liar. Liar. Liar.  _

_ Worthless.  _

_ Pathetic.  _

_ Unloveable.  _

Just lay here. Close your eyes. It will pass. It always does. 

_ So tired. Can’t. I can’t anymore.  _

I close my eyes to the nightmares again. 

I wake up and it’s one am. I check my phone. There are messages from Rose, Finn, and Poe. I don’t want them. I just want… I want someone who understands. I want someone who knows. I walk out of my bedroom. The door to Maz’s room is closed, but I sneak past it and head down the stairs. The living room is dark, as is the kitchen. I open the door and walk out into the garden. My feet are bare on the cool grass and dirt. I scale the fence and the trellis and make my way to Ben’s window. It’s dark inside, but I tap on the glass anyway. A light flickers on inside and the window slides open. “Rey?”

I crawl in and he’s there. His hair is mussed up like he’s been sleeping. And suddenly I don’t know why I’m there. “Sorry… I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“What’s going on, Rey?” There’s so much concern in his eyes. Tears fall and I fall against him, sobbing. His arms wrap around me and for the first time in a week, I feel safe. “Did something happen? Do you need me to call someone? Rose or Finn or Poe?”

I shake my head. I didn’t want them. 

“Okay… You can stay here.” His hands hold me close, and he makes calming shushing noises into my hair. We stay that way until I can breathe again and slowly we release from each other. “You look like you haven’t slept in a week, Rey.”

“I haven’t,” I say, sheepishly. “I keep having nightmares. I couldn’t get out of bed this morning. I couldn’t do anything.”

“I know how you feel.”

“It’s all too much sometimes. Everything.”

“I know. I can’t sleep either most nights.” He says softly. I look down and realize we’re still holding hands. 

What is this? Between us? I remember Poe and Rose and Finn. It’s already hard enough to keep one secret from them. Much less this. I let my hand drop from his. 

“He’s lucky to have you.” There’s so much hurt and pain in Ben’s eyes that I want to tell him everything. That Poe and I are just friends. It’s not my place to tell him. It’s my secret to protect. 

“Yeah… I should go. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Why does it hurt as I crawl out the window? Why do I stand in Maz’s garden watching his window, trying to keep myself from crawling right back through it? I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. It was intense, almost uncontrollable. From the moment I first saw him I wanted to know him. There was no denying it. Not now, when I could pretend nothing else existed in the middle of the night. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I have the next few chapters figured out. Crisis averted! Pretty sure this is the hardest I've worked to try and make a plot right/work. Anything for these babies and anything for y'all!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Run away with me  
> Lost souls and reverie  
> Running wild and running free  
> Two kids, you and me”
> 
> -Renegades, X Ambassadors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No specific warnings for this chapter. Tags for Invisible Stars have been updated due to some unforeseen developments in chapter twelve!

“Are you okay, Rey? You look exhausted.”

“Finn!” Rose hisses and I look up sleepily from my plate. Rose, Finn, and Poe are watching me as we eat lunch, worried expressions on their faces. 

“Yeah. I’m fine. Just have been studying a lot and not sleeping well. Midterms and everything.” I wave my hand, trying to brush it off. In reality, I was really behind on studying. It was getting harder to focus on. Harder to take care of myself as the dreams took over. 

“I feel like you could use a pick-me-up.” Rose smiles cheerfully. “Are you busy tomorrow? We could study at the coffee shop and go shopping for a homecoming dress. What do you think?”

I didn’t have money for a dress. I had been trying to save up for a new phone, but I could barely save enough to pay my bill every month. But, I can’t say no to Rose. “That sounds great. I’ll ask Maz.”

Rose squeals and gives me a quick hug. I smile. It was impossible not to be affected by her pure optimism. She gets up to leave for vocal, and I start to go with her, but Poe touches my shoulder. “Are you okay? Like actually?”

Finn looks between us and gets up to leave. I settle back in my chair. “Yeah. It’s just been a rough week.”

“Well… I got us tickets to the dance if you want to go with me.” He smiles, hopefully, trying to cheer me up. 

“Of course I’ll go with you, my very real boyfriend.” I wink at him, but I don’t feel it. “Besides, I don’t think Rose would let me not go.”

By the time I get to art class, most people are already there and Mrs. Tico is about to start. I take a seat and glance at Ben. He gives me a little hello nod, but looks away. He’s quiet. Distant. 

The next day, I wake up a little bit more refreshed. The dreams hadn’t been as bad. I made myself go back to sleep every time I wake up. It’s nearly noon when I fully wake up and Rose has blown up my phone asking when we want to meet. I text her back to say that I just woke up and would be at the coffee shop soon. 

I get dressed and head downstairs to find Maz. She’s working in the garden planting a cover crop for winter. It’s freezing and the sky is grey with a coming storm. 

“Hey, Maz?”

She looks up and sets down her tools. “Good morning, sleepyhead! Did you finally get some good sleep?”

I nod. “Can I go to the coffee shop to study with Rose? Then go homecoming dress shopping with her?”

“Oh, yeah. That’s okay. There’s a hundred dollar bill in my wallet. You can take that.”

My eyes go wide and I think my jaw hits the ground. “Oh-oh. I wasn’t going to get anything. I don’t-”

“Rey.” Maz looks me in the eye. “Take it. Get yourself a nice new dress. You’ve been working hard and you deserve something nice.”

I don’t though. Not when I’ve been lying and sneaking out and plotting to take down a drug lord behind her back. “Ah…”

“Rey.” She raises her eyebrows and I know there’s no arguing. 

Okay. I’d take it. I just wouldn’t use it. I’d just say that I couldn’t find anything and give it back. “Okay. I’ll take it. Thanks.”

I glance up at Ben’s window and see a glimpse of him walking by. I turn to leave and take out my phone to tell Rose to pick me up. Hesitantly, I open a new message. 

_Hi_. 

It takes a second, but the typing bubble comes up. 

_Rey? Are you okay?_

_I’m okay. Just wanted to say hey._

_Oh hey._

I frown. He was so distant yesterday.

_Any news on Snake?_

_It’s Snoke. And no._

_I know it’s Snoke._

I open Maz’s purse and take the hundred dollar bill out of her purse, feeling incredibly guilty. 

_Okay._

Not a texter then. I take a deep breath and pack up my backpack. Rose shows up ten minutes later and I run out to meet her. 

I find the perfect dress at the last store we visit. It’s red lace on top, red tulle on the bottom. It’s also seventy-five dollars and I can’t. I shouldn’t. I stare at it for ten minutes before Rose makes me finally buy it. I’ll pay Maz back. 

It’s the most beautiful, most expensive thing I’ve ever owned. 

It’s my first high school dance and my stomach is fluttering with butterflies. Poe opens the door for me and holds out his hand like a perfect gentleman. He’s in a white shirt with a red tie to match my dress and I feel… Beautiful. I can’t wipe the smile off my face as we head into the dance. 

Principal Organa and Mr. Solo are sitting at the entrance to the school taking tickets. We walk through the sophomore hall together, hand in hand. It’s lined with balloons and streamers and I can already hear the speaker system blasting music. 

Poe leads me through the gymnasium doors and I’m plunged into a world of pulsing lights and dancing teenagers. He wastes no time in dragging me out onto the dance floor. We find Finn and Rose and by the time the first slow song comes on. I’m out of breath from dancing and laughing. Poe folds me into his arms and we’re swaying to the slow song together. 

“How’s your first dance, Niima?” 

“It’s… Amazing. Honestly. Thank you.” I smile up at him. It’s the best I’ve felt in weeks. All I needed was some good music, friends, and the chance to just let go. 

“I’m the one who should be thanking you,” Poe mutters, frowning. 

“You’re my friend, Poe. I’d do anything for you.” I shrug. “That’s just what I do.”

“You’re too good, Niima.” Poe laughs. 

_No. Not really._ That voice whispers in the back of my head. The guilt is still there. Even the music can’t drown it out. The song changes to some group dance that I barely know and Poe gives me a super excited look. Far too excited. I laugh and let him go. “I’m going to get a drink and sit down for a while. Maybe get some fresh air.”

I’m not sure if he heard me or not, but he smiles and waves excitedly, already dancing. He’s an amazing dancer, I give him that. My feet are killing me and I can’t keep up. Curse Rose and her amazing, but painful, shoes. I grab a drink and find my stuff and check my phone. I’m not sure why… Everyone who would text me is currently dancing. 

Well. Maybe not everyone. 

There’s a text from B. Ben. I open it and my stomach explodes into nervous butterflies as I read. 

_Meet me in the courtyard._

Son of a bitch. What the hell is he doing here? I grab my phone and my jacket and make my way to the doors out to the courtyard. The doors are propped open and there's a burst of cool air flowing through which feels amazing against the heat of the gym. I shrug on my little jacket and step out into the courtyard. It’s beautiful. All the bushes and trees are covered in lights. There’s soft music playing from hidden speakers and luminaries along the path. There’s a few people out here, some talking quietly, one crying into her friend's shoulder. 

I find Ben sitting on the fountain on the opposite side of the door. He’s in all black, as usual, and a black hoodie with the hood drawn over his head. 

“What are you doing here?” I glance back at the door, praying that Poe doesn’t come sauntering through. “Are you-”

“No, I’m not here selling drugs, Rey.” He looks up at me and makes a strange sound, like halfway between a gasp and a choke. He stares at me for a moment. Do I have something on my face? I wipe at the corner of my mouth and he stands. 

“Poe’s going to kill you if he sees us talking.”

“I know. That’s why I’m trying to make this quick. The deal is going down tonight.”

“Shit.” I nearly drop my phone. “Well, let’s go then.”

“Rey, no. You should stay here and have fun. I just wanted to let you know.” 

“Gods, you are stubborn. And thick. I’m not letting you go alone. You need back up. A lookout, right?” I cross my arms and Ben sighs.

“Fine. Come on.” Ben takes my hand and my stomach somersaults with excitement. We go back into the party and sneak around the fringes until Ben comes to a service door that’s been wedged open. We slip through and the party fades around us. It takes a second for me to realize that I’m in a storage room closet with Ben. Ben whips out a flashlight and points it at a ladder that looks like it goes all the way to the top of the building. “Still want to come?”

I slip off my shoes. “Yes. Gentlemen first.”

Ben hides a grin and starts up the ladder. I’m right behind him. He knew far too many secrets about this school, that was for sure. I feel like I’ve been climbing for forever when my hand hits Ben’s foot and we come to a stop. He grunts and there’s a screech of metal as a door overhead opens. I climb out onto the roof of the gymnasium. 

“There’s not an easier way to leave?”

“Not without my mother knowing.” Ben shoots me a look. “She’s very thorough with her security.”

“So how do we get down?” I grit my teeth as I step onto the gravelly roof with bare feet. 

“A ladder.” Ben walks towards the edge of the roof. He peeks over the edge, then gestures for me to follow. There’s a service ladder that drops over the edge to the second story of the building, right above the Junior halls. We quickly climb down and hurry across the rooftop to one of the giant trees that surround the school. 

“Son of a bitch.” I breathe. Ben lowers himself into the branches and I follow him. It’s slow going trying to not rip my dress. _Note to self- pack stakeout clothes for next time._ Ben drops to the ground and reaches his arms up to me. Without thinking, without hesitating, I jump down into them. Suddenly we’re inches apart and he’s holding me. And I’m breathless staring up into those eyes. He’s looking down at me with curiosity and… I can’t catch the other emotions in his face. He pulls me down as a chaperone rounds the corner. I hold my breath, watching the man’s every move as he walks past the bushes. He rounds the corner and Ben gives me a little push and we’re racing across the parking lot to an old, black classic car. A Chevrolet Impala. I hop into the passenger seat laughing, completely exhilarated. 

The inside is old leather bench seating, silver accents. There’s CDs and tapes littered everywhere. The only thing that seems like it’s not original to the car is the radio system.

Ben’s eyes are glowing as he turns on his car and we roar out of the parking lot. And it’s a stick shift. Of course, it’s a stick shift. I want this to last forever. We drive through town and deep into the south side. Ben pulls up a side street and shuts the car. Off. The silence creeps in and so does the gravity of everything. My phone dings and we both jump. 

_Where did you go?_

“It’s Poe. Asking where I am.” I bite my lip. 

“What are you going to tell him?”

“Ah…” I type out a quick reply. “That I don’t feel good so I went to lay down and to not worry about me.”

“He won’t go looking for you?”

“I’ll tell him not to.” Another lie. I take a deep breath as the guilt settles in. It’s worth it if we can get evidence. I put my phone on silent. “So where is this happening?”

“Right there. Supposedly.” Ben points to a big empty lot in front of a warehouse. We’re about 200 meters from the warehouse, behind a chain-link fence. There’s no one there, yet. Ben reaches into the back seat and pulls out a huge Nikon camera. 

“Where did you get that?” My eyes are wide. It looks professional. 

“I… _Borrowed_ it from school.”

“By borrow do you mean steal?” I smirk. 

Ben narrows his eyes, but there’s a grin on his face. “Maybe.”

I shake my head, smiling. We sit in silence for a while, waiting. My heart is racing and I can’t stop thinking about how beautiful he looks in the dim street light. He catches me looking and I look away, blushing. “I’ve never been on a stakeout.”

“Me neither,” Ben murmurs. “They should be here soon.”

“Where’d you learn to drive stick?”

“My dad.”

“Oh, yeah. That makes sense. I’ve always wanted to learn.”

“To drive stick?”

“Yeah, or just drive in general.” I shrug and check the clock on my phone. It’s 10:40 and the dance ends at 11. “Are they going to show up?”

“They were supposed to be here by now… Maybe it got canceled or moved.”

“Do criminals postpone?” I wonder aloud and Ben laughs. I think it’s the first genuine laugh I’ve heard from him. “No, really? Is there like a criminal secretary with a master calendar? Like ‘ _Hello, Snoke and Associates, this is Susan speaking. You’d like to schedule a drug exchange? Saturday at 10:30? Great! We will see you then!’”_

Ben is really laughing now and shaking his head at me. I like making him laugh. I like it a lot. 

“You’re something else, Rey.” His eyes sparkle and we’re staring at each other. I want to lean in, reach out, and pull him closer. The air in the car shifts and suddenly everything is on edge. I feel high like I’m flying. Like I’ll remember this night for the rest of my life. Ben swallows. “I’m sorry I ruined your dance.”

“You didn’t ruin anything.” I smile softly. “We can go back. Make it in time for the last dance.”

“I’ll take you back.” He says, looking away from me. My heart drops. 

“You’ll come back too? To the dance?”

Ben shakes his head and turns on the car. “Dances aren’t really my thing. And it’s better if Poe and I aren’t in the same room.”

“But it’s the homecoming. You have to dance at least once.” An idea pops in my head and I reach for the radio. “Dance with me.”

“What?” His eyes meet mine and all I can feel is fire. I open the car door and get out. “Rey!”

I leave the door open as _Finally // Beautiful Stranger_ by Halsey starts playing into the empty street. I wait in the light of the car’s headlights and beckon for Ben to join me. He opens his door. “Rey, get back in the car.”

I cross my arms and shake my head. “I’m not leaving until you dance with me.”

“You really are the most stubborn woman I’ve ever met.” Ben gets out of the car and joins me in the headlights. He stands there, not moving and I roll my eyes. I grab his hands and pull him closer, placing his hands on my waist. I place my hands around his shoulders and I’m not sure if he’s breathing anymore because I know I’m not. I look up into his eyes and we’re swaying to the music. He’s gentle and warm and smells so amazing. I close my eyes and lean against his chest.

“You look beautiful,” he whispers.

When I look back up, he’s looking down at me with amazement and wonder. I glance at his lips and all I want is for him to kiss me. 

But the song ends and it’s all gone too soon. 

Ben steps away from me. “Poe is a good guy.” He shakes his head. “I’m not a good guy. I should have never let you come along.”

“Ben…” He won’t look at me. 

We drive back to school in silence. The last song is playing and a few people have left already. I don’t want to get out of the car. I don’t want to leave him. 

“Get out, please.” His voice is dark, hurt. 

“Ben-”

“Get. Out.”

“Fuck. You.” I growl. I get out of the car and slam the door behind me. I don’t quite understand why I’m angry or why I start crying as I walk across the parking lot to Finn’s car in bare feet. 

_Rejection._

_Rejection._

I try to get myself under control and text the group to say that I’m outside at the car. 

_Rejection._

_No one wants you. No one wants you. No one will ever want you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy May 4th everyone! Hope you are enjoying a little extra Star Wars today.
> 
> I’ve finally gotten past chapters ten, eleven, and twelve. They’re a doozy and I’m so excited to share them with you. 
> 
> One of the reasons I love writing without a set plan or plot in mind is that there’s so many surprises that reveal themselves and suddenly everything makes so much more sense. 
> 
> Don’t ask me why Ben drives the Winchester Car. I have no idea. But it’s inspiring me to maybe write a Supernatural/Lucifer/Hades and Persephone AU of some sort with Rey and Ben. I’ll think about it (let me know what you think!) :D
> 
> Ben’s Spotify Playlist Coming Soon
> 
> Stay tuned to meet some old friends, delve into the dark side, and uncover terrible secrets.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “All I've ever done is hide  
> From our times when you're near me  
> Honey, when you kill the lights and kiss my eyes  
> I feel like a person for a moment of my life”
> 
> -To Be Alone, Hozier

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Suicidal Thoughts, Mentions of Abuse, Mentions of Drug Abuse/Addiction/Overdose

I try to not let it bother me when Ben starts ignoring me at school. He won’t meet my eye in art class and he barely talks as we work on our project. My stomach doesn’t want to hold down food and the nightmares won’t stop. I catch myself staring off into space constantly. 

Thursday comes and I’m staring at the wall of Luke’s office only to be gently poked by D’acy. I come out of my daze and find the room staring at me. Except Ben. He’s picking at the chair, trying to not look at me. Did I do something wrong? What did I do wrong? 

“Rey. Okay.” My voice is hoarse, tired. Everything hurts. Why am I here?

“You don’t seem okay?” D’Acy frowns and squishes her nose. “You were gone the week before… And you didn’t talk last week.”

“I…” I stare at my hands and curl my feet under me in the armchair. “I couldn’t get out of bed. I’ve been having nightmares… About one of my abusers. And deserts. Space. I can’t sleep. It’s really hard to eat and pay attention and everything hurts. Everything hurts and I just want it to stop. It feels like no one cares or understands.”

“Are you safe, Rey? Do you feel like you’re going to hurt yourself?”

“Sometimes,” I whisper. “I don’t really want to die… I just want to not exist.”

“Because of these nightmares?” Luke asks, concern and worry written over his face. 

I shrug. “I don’t know… I don’t know where it’s coming from. Why now. I just know that I want it to stop. I don’t know how to make it stop.”

Luke takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “Sometimes… Our brains choose to process trauma when we feel the most safe. You’ve expressed before that you feel safe with Maz, that this is the longest you have ever stayed in one spot. You have good friends who care about you… What do you think about that?”

“It makes sense. I feel like I can’t talk to them about it. Like they won’t understand. Or, I’ll scare them away. I’ll lose them. They’ll abandon me like everyone else. That Maz will abandon me.”

“What makes you think they’ll abandon you?”

“Everyone else has. My parents did. Why wouldn’t anyone else? I’m nothing. No one. People just give me up when they’re done.”

“Sounds like a lot of self-hatred going on in there, Rey.”

“Yeah…” I nod. I glance up at Ben and his face is hard, angry maybe. He’s staring at the armrest of his chair. 

_Stupid. Stupid. How much of an idiot was I?_ Hot shame and embarrassment fills my stomach and I think I’m going to puke. It’s hard to breathe. I can’t breathe. I can’t. I- “Can… I leave?”

I don’t wait for Luke’s answer before I’m out of my chair and running out of the room and into the waiting area. I just want to be alone. Away. Gone. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. 

The world around me goes black but I’m still moving. It’s only when a sharp wind gust hits my face that I realize I’m on the roof of the building.

“Rey?”

No. Stop. No. Go away. Go away. Go away. 

“Rey?” His touch is like a balm on scars I didn’t even know I had. I fall against Ben and he holds me tight as I cry. 

“I care. I understand.”

I cry harder, pressing my wet, snotty face into his t-shirt. 

“Take a deep breath, Rey. Breathe. You’re okay. You’re safe. I care. I understand. I feel the same way too sometimes.” His hands are stroking my hair and I feel the tightness in my throat ease. I take a shaky, rattling breath. “Good. Another. I’m right here.”

“Why does it hurt so much? Why does everything hurt?” 

“I don’t know, Rey. I really don’t. I wish I could take that pain away, but I can’t.” He presses his lips to my hair. “I’m not going anywhere. As long as you want me to be, I’ll be here.”

But he wasn’t, he hadn’t been. 

“Then why do you keep pushing me away?” Ben doesn’t answer. I sniffle and move away, hurt. “Don’t say things you don’t mean.”

“Rey, I-”

I get up and see the pain in his face, the tear stains on his shirt. “Please. Just leave me alone.”

I leave him on the roof and the guilt nearly swallows me alive. He was better off without me. Maybe I’m better off without him. I can’t keep doing this. 

Poe’s on the front steps of Maz’s house when I get home. His smile falls when he sees my face. “What’s wrong, Niima?”

I take a seat next to him and lay my head on his shoulder. I take a deep breath and realize how exhausted I am. “Can we break up?”

Poe laughs. “Is that what you're upset about?”

I don’t say anything. Yes. Yes and so much more. I’m so tired. Poe shifts so I’m looking him in the eye. He scrunches his forehead together in concern and worry. “Of course we can break up, silly. I didn’t… I didn’t mean to put so much pressure on you… I thought it would be more fun. Why didn’t you say something earlier? Jesus, Rey.”

Poe pulls me into a hug and we stay like that for a long time. It feels good to be held. I finally take a deep breath and pull away from him. “Do you want dinner?”

“It’s a little strange to immediately have dinner together after a breakup, but,” Poe blows a raspberry. “I guess I’ll take you up on it.”

I giggle and give him a little shove. “Rose is not going to be happy.”

“Nope, not even a little.” Poe laughs. “We will tell her that it was mutual and we’re still friends. She can be mad at me for a little bit, but not forever. I mean, I am impossible to resist.”

“You’re something. That’s for sure.” I laugh, but it falls short. There’s a heaviness in my chest that won’t go away. 

“I can tell something’s wrong, Rey.”

“I-I don’t know.” I sigh and rest my head on his shoulder. I can’t tell him, no matter how much I want to. I shouldn’t have yelled at Ben like that… He was only trying to help me. But, why did he say all those things? Why me? Why did he care?

Poe leaves after dinner, and I just want to be alone for a little bit. The night is clear, the stars overhead are bright. I put on a sweater and gathered up blankets. I set up a bed in the garden and lay down, looking up at the stars as I listen to music. I take a deep breath and let the calm wash over me. I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay.

My peace is interrupted by a strangled yell and a crash. I jump up searching for the source of the noise and my eyes land on Ben’s window. A dark figure passes by it and my heart races. I’m over the fence in a breath, up the trellis in another. There’s another crash and I’m pushing up the window and crawling into his room. A hurricane of paper falls around me as my eyes meet his. 

They’re full of fire and pain. He backs away from me until his back hits the wall and he slides down it, putting his head in his hands. It’s only then that I see the holes in his walls, the hasty patch jobs that were once covered by art… And his knuckles are bloody, raw. 

I don’t know what to do, so I do what I always wished someone would do for me. I sit beside him. And I wait in the pain with him. After a moment, Ben’s hand reaches out and his fingers curl between mine. We sit like that for a long time. 

“What are you listening to?” His voice is rough, low. 

Oh. I had forgotten I was even listening to music. I take out one earbud and hand it to him. He takes it from me with his free hand and we sit and listen. 

“I broke up with Poe,” I say quietly after a while. “We weren’t really anything but friends. I was mainly dating him because Rose wanted me to. It’s kind of a relief to-”

I don’t get another word out because his lips are crashing against mine. He tastes of salt and sadness and pain and him. I pull him closer and he pulls me into his lap and I feel like I’m flying. His hands are in my hair and my fingers brush his cheeks pulling him closer. He is water and I am a desert. I am utterly consumed by him. Is this what it felt like to be wanted?

“I can’t. We can’t.” Ben pulls away and in an instant it’s all gone. His eyes darken and he’s back to where we started, knees to his chest, hands curled into fits. 

“Then why? Why do you keep drawing me in? Pushing me away?" Anger stirs in the pit of my stomach. I’m not sure if it is at myself or at him.

“I could ask the same of you,” he gives a little hurt laugh and shakes his head. 

Hot shame and sadness pool in my stomach. “I shouldn’t have come… I shouldn’t…”

He told me to get out of the car. He told me when I had held a part of my heart out to him that night when we danced in the streets. But I had done the same, hasn’t I? What he said on the roof… and I told him to leave me alone. And now… he pushed me away before I could even reject him.

Ben is staring at the ground. His cheeks are wet with tears and I realize I have a choice to make. Either I climb back through the window to a life without Ben or I stay with him, damn the consequences.

“Why can’t you?” My voice is soft, and he doesn’t move at my question. His voice is just as soft. 

“I failed him. He was my best friend and I failed him and I failed Lily and I’ll fail you too, Rey. I killed Lily. I killed her and-“ Ben's voice breaks into a thousand shards of self-hatred. “I killed her. It’s my fault. I should be the dead one. And don’t tell me that it’s not. That I didn’t. Because it’s not true. She’s dead because of me.”

Ben’s yelling now, tears streaming down his face. It doesn’t scare me. He never does. “Tell me. Please. What happened that night?” 

Ben looks at me, staring blankly like he’s surprised that’s what came out of my mouth when all he had been expecting was ‘it’s not your fault’ or ‘you’re okay’. He wasn’t okay. Maybe it was his fault, I didn’t know. All I knew was that he needed someone and I wanted to be that someone. Even if it was for selfish reasons. 

“Tell me. Please.”

“She came to me last December. She knew I worked for Snoke… She knew me and trusted me. She said she didn’t want to live like this anymore. That it was killing her. So we made a plan to get her to detox. There was this abandoned house on the southside. I brought her there and we would hide out there trying to get through the detox. She would always make it a few days and then run away. And we’d be back to the start. Then she’d show up a few weeks later wanting to try again. Sometimes we’d make it a week. And we would go back home and then a few days later…” Ben stared at the floor and ran his fingers through his hair. “The last time… I thought… I thought I was doing everything right. A slow detox. Weaning her off of it. She wanted it to be the last time. We had enough supplies to make it for two weeks. We didn’t even make it one. I had the drugs in a lockbox and she found the key while I was out getting food. When I came back…”

Ben made a sobbing desperate noise that tore my heart from my chest. The words caught in his throat and he couldn’t say anything more. I finished for him. 

“She was gone.” 

Ben nodded. “I tried to save her and I couldn’t.”

“You did everything you could, Ben.” I kneel down in front of him. I want to take the pain away, but I didn’t know how. It wasn’t mine to carry. 

“It should have been me. Not her. I was the fuck up. I was the screwup. She was the smart one. The one with all the hopes and dreams of the future. It should have been me.” Ben’s voice softened. “I was going to make it me. Make it right. After Snoke left whether I had caught him or not… I was going to make it right.”

My breath caught in my throat. I hardly knew him, but already I couldn’t imagine a world without him. “Was?”

“Yeah… Not anymore.” He looked at me with those deep brown eyes. I saw myself in him, saw all of our faults and cracks. 

“What changed?”

There it was. That moment in time when nothing else mattered. When time slowed and I could only see him. “I met you.”

“I’m not anything special.”

“Not to me.” And just like that, his lips are on mine again and my heart is crashing and breaking and healing all at once. It’s as though my whole life has been on pause, waiting until him.

“What do we do now?” I whisper against his skin.

Ben shakes his head. “I don’t know.”

“I can talk to Poe. I can get him to see-”

“No, Rey. I can’t hurt him anymore. I can’t…”

“We don’t have to tell anyone.” I know that I’ll regret those words the moment they leave my mouth. More secrets. What’s one more? I add softly, “Until we figure out what this is. I don’t want to hurt them either. But… I can’t stay away from you.”

“Do you want to stay away from me?” There’s so much pain and torment in his eyes. I reach up and brush my fingers across his cheeks and he sighs into my hand. 

“No. Not even a little bit.” Everything feels right with him. I’m at peace, calm even. I hear my name being called from Maz’s garden. “Can I come over tomorrow?”

Ben smiles and kisses me once more. “Of course.”

He watches me crawl out the window with the disbelief and hopelessness of a man about to realize it’s all a dream. _I’ll be back tomorrow. I promise._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Rey finally get somewhere :) or do they?


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've been running from my demons  
> Afraid to look behind  
> I've been running from myself  
> Afraid of what I'd find  
> But how am I supposed to love you  
> When I don't love who I am?  
> And how can I give you all of me  
> When I'm only half a man?  
> 'Cause I'm a sinking ship that's burning  
> So let go of my hand  
> Oh, how can I give you all of me  
> When I'm only half a man?"
> 
> -Half A Man, Dean Lewis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Anxiety Attack, Nightmares, Intrusive Thoughts

The nightmares changed that night. I raced through sand dunes until the rolling night sky passed under my feet and I was drifting through space and time. Distant explosions rippled around me as screams echoed in my ears. Then I was falling. I landed hard in a pile of snow and I swear I could feel the chill of it on my skin. Red lit up the night, and I looked for the source. A man in dark clothes and a strange mask emerged from the forest coming closer to me. He was coming for me. Coming to kill me. I struggled to make my arms and legs work in the snow, but it latched onto me, pulling me under until I was buried in darkness. 

I woke up with a gasp. Cold sweat dripped from my forehead and coated my skin, as if it were the snow that had just consumed me. There was a creak outside and I rolled out of bed and fell into a crouch. My breath caught in my throat and I peeked over my bed, expecting to see the man in the mask in my doorway. My door was closed, but I could see the shadow of someone in the hallway. 

My alarm went off and I jumped, shrieking. The door opened and Maz’s tiny figure appeared. 

“Gods.” I held my hand to my chest and felt my heart practically trying to escape my rib cage. 

“You okay, hun?”

“Yeah. Just… Nightmares.” I took a deep breath. “I’m going to take a shower.”

I stumble past her, trying to fight through the sleep that threatens to pull me back into bed. I leave the lights off in the bathroom and step into the tub. Hot water cascades all around me. I kissed him. Or, he kissed me. I wasn’t sure. It all happened so fast and it all felt so right. 

My stomach got giddy at the thought of him.  _ What if it was a mistake?  _ It’s not a mistake.  _ What if he just felt sorry for you? He doesn’t actually like you.  _ I don’t…  _ And what are Poe and Finn and Rose going to think? Do you really think they’ll still want to be your friend if you tell them you’re making out with the guy who killed Poe’s sister?  _ He didn’t kill her. He was trying to help her. They’ll see that. They’ll understand.  _ Really? You really think that? Even Ben said Poe would never forgive him.  _

I turn up the water temperature as high as I can stand trying to burn the thoughts away.  _ You’re really not worth their love. Lying to them. Always lying. You’re a little liar.  _ Stop, please. Nothing has been decided yet. We just kissed that’s all. That’s all and nothing more. It’s not like we’re dating or anything. And it’s not like they’ll understand. It would hurt them more to know.  _ If you say so. But I know. I know who you really are, Rey.  _ Can we just think about something else? Please? Like my weird dreams? Or how I’m going to tell Rose that Poe and I broke up? Make up an explanation for that?  _ Oh, more lies. Fun.  _ Shut up. 

I crawl out of the shower and brave the light of morning. It’s still early. I brush my teeth and comb my hair and put on a little makeup. I’ve managed to whittle down the closet of hand-me-downs to the clothes that will actually fit me. Put on a brave face, Rey. Dress up and maybe you’ll actually feel like facing the world. 

My stomach turned at the thought of seeing Ben today. Do I dress up? Do I show off? Does he even want me? I feel the panic rising in my chest and I try to push it back down. Deep breaths. Just… Be yourself, right?  _ Ugh.  _ I pick out my favorite yellow sweater, a white button-up, jeans, and my converse. 

The weather has drastically turned from hot summer into the cold, darkening fall. The leaves had turned dramatically beautiful colors though, and the whole town of Republic had turned into a cozy autumnal paradise. I threw my hair into a messy bun and headed downstairs only to find Rose waiting for me with puppy dog eyes and a frown. 

“Rey!” Rose throws her arms around me and envelopes me in a hug, ever-tightening hug. “I’m so sorry. Poe told Finn who told me that you two broke up. Why didn’t you call me? I would have come over right away.”

“Oh. Uh…” I struggle to come up with an explanation. “It’s fine. I’m fine, really. It was mutual. I’m not upset at all.”

“We will totally kick him out of the group.” Rose holds me away from her so she can get a good look at me. 

“No! No, Rose. Seriously, I’m fine. We’re still going to be friends.” I manage a smile. 

Rose sighs. “Okay… If you say so. Did you want to get coffee with me before school?”

“Mmm, yes. Please.” I glance back and see Maz watching us from the kitchen, a little smile on her face. She gives me a nod. 

Rose and I race out the door and she drives us to the coffee shop in her little Honda Civic. We have just enough time to grab drinks and breakfast before heading towards school. I sip on my chai latte and pick at my blueberry muffin. My stomach is rolling with nerves. I won’t see Ben until drawing. Unless he shows up at lunch. Oh, gods. 

Rose pulls into a parking spot on the Junior/Senior side of the building. She gives me a narrow-eyed look. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Just fighting off a panic attack. Everything just makes me want to run and hide. I get out of the car and try to hide the fact that I’m struggling to breathe. I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay. Just take a deep breath. 

We walk up the steps and fall into the hustle and bustle of the halls. People swirl around me and I’ve already lost Rose. I’m frozen, trying to force myself to move and hold back the sobs in my throat at the same time. It’s worse than my nightmares because this is real. Safe. Safe. I need somewhere safe. I let my feet move in the only direction that I can. I climb the stairs and duck into an empty art classroom, through the kiln room, the maintenance hall, the ladder. I’m on the catwalk and I realize that the auditorium is filled. An assembly. 

I nearly fall into the now empty cubby. As soon as the door is shut, I’m on my knees, curled into myself. The panic attack of the century rips through my body. And it’s twenty minutes before I can move or breathe properly again. 

_ No one is coming. No one cares. What? Did you think he would somehow magically appear? Are you really that desperate? Why would he ever want someone like you? You are weak. Insignificant.  _

The thoughts attack me and I am helpless against them. The only thing I can do is lay there and let them wash over me. Stay still until they go away. Everything hurts. How can everything hurt so much?

If this was growth… If this was healing… I didn’t want it. 

I get through the morning with shaky hands and teary eyes. I put my head down and hope that no one notices me. I hope that Rose assumes I’m upset about Poe during lunch. I try to ignore the fact that they’re all quiet and put on my best brave and happy face. I’m fine. It’s all fine. 

I can’t look at him in art class. I know if I do, I would start crying again.  _ Don’t want him to think you’re weak? A crybaby? Crazy? Might be too late for that… _

Shut up. I concentrate on my drawing. It’s free drawing day, and without much thinking, I’ve started to draw the masked man from my dreams. There is something oddly familiar, comforting even, about the mask. 

I risk a glance up at him and immediately regret it. My eyes meet his and they’re completely full of worry and pain. It only gets worse when I feel the prickle of tears at the corners of my eyes. I just want to go home. I just want this day to be over. 

The bell rings and I slowly pack up my things. Every movement feels like I’m trying to swim through lead. I know what’s coming next and I’m almost too exhausted to care. Shop class. Working one on one with Ben. And today was the start of the build period for small engines. I should be excited. 

I start for the door, but Ben is standing there, waiting for me. The rest of the classroom had already emptied it out. I stop in my tracks. My brain has completely shorted at this point, the exhaustion from the panic attacks making me want to sleep for the next three days. 

“Are you okay?” Ben’s voice is so soft. I shake my head. 

“Is it me?” He asks. I shake my head again. Not him. Not anything he’s done or said. Just the shit in my head. I’m too tired to cry. Too tired to do anything.

I can’t say anything. Nothing will come out. I only shake my head. He crosses the room to me in two steps and I’m curled up in his arms again. For the first time that day, I’m able to breathe again. 

“Did you still want to go to class?” He doesn’t let me go. I melt into him. I don’t want to leave his arms ever again. But, I should. I should go to class. I nod slowly. He slowly lets me go and gives me a little hopeful smile. 

We walk together to class, a little bit apart. There’s the anxiety of Poe or Finn or Rose seeing us together, but it’s manageable. It’s okay. I’m okay. And I get to weld today. I’m okay. 

I suit up and we each take turns with the school’s five MIG welders. It was calming, working with my hands. I concentrate on my lines and try not to melt holes through the pieces of scrap Mr. Solo was having us practice on. I finish one seam and flip-up my visor to see my work. Mr. Solo peers over my work. “Great job, kid. You’re a natural.”

I grin and glance up at Ben. He smiles back and I feel my whole face go red. How was he so cute when he smiled? 

“Feeling better?” Ben took the MIG welder stick from me. Our fingers brush together and I have to stop myself from sighing. How could one person have this much of an effect over me?

“Yeah.” I hold his eyes for a second and look away. “Are you going to weld?”

“I mean… I’ve known how to do it since I was old enough to hold the stick.” Ben scratches the back of his neck. 

“So, show me how it’s done.” I gesture to the strange configuration of metal pipes on our table. Ben adjusts the ground and I push my face shield down. I almost didn’t want to… It would be worth it to watch him in that stupid leather jacket working with his hands. I watch the hot bead of molten metal quickly zigzag across the metal, nothing but a bright green spot in my visor. He was faster, steadier than I was. I raise my face shield as Mr. Solo came around again. 

He looks over his son’s work. “Not bad. Watch the corners.”

Ben’s jaw twitches. I want to reach out to him, calm him. I had no idea that things were tense between them.  _ How much do you know? Really? You’ve barely talked to him. And when you have it’s been about Lily.  _ I can get to know him. I want to. I want to know everything.  _ You’re really going to abandon your friends for a guy you barely know?  _ I’m not abandoning them.  _ Lying to them. It’s as good as abandonment. You should know.  _

“Rey?”

I come back to reality at the sound of his voice and try to push the darkness in my mind away. It stays in the back of my mind, hovering, waiting for my defenses to collapse around me. “Yeah?”

“Ah… School’s almost done. We should clean up.” There’s a bite in his voice that wasn’t there before. 

“Right.” All I want to do is go home and take a nap. I go through the shutdown procedure for the welder as Ben cleans up our pile of scrap. The bell rings just as we’re finishing up. I feel as if I’m going to collapse. 

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Ben’s at my side again, packing his bag to leave. There aren’t many people left in the classroom. Mr. Solo is in the shop side of the classroom still putting things away. 

“Yeah, I just need a nap.” I zip up my backpack. He looks at me like he wants to ask me something else, but can’t find the words. And I remember what I told him last night. 

“Can I… Can I come over later tonight?” I ask softly and look up at him. I prepare myself for the laugh, the rejection. I had forgotten how tall he was. He towered over me at a lanky six-foot, at least. 

His eyes soften and there’s a look of disbelief on his face. “I- I’ll leave my window open. If… If you want to talk. Or...”

“Yeah.” My face is bright red at this point. “I better go find Rose. She’s probably waiting for me.”

“Oh, yeah. I’ll see you later.” Ben pushed his long hair out of his face. I think he was blushing too. 

I hurry out of the shop building and find Rose waiting for me in her car. I hop in the passenger seat. She turns smiling far too wide and far too forced as if she was trying to infect me with happiness. “Rey!”

“Rose!” I let a little smile slip. 

“How are you feeling? Are you feeling better? Cause I really hate when my friends are sad.”

“I’m better.” I was… A little. Just tired. “I got to weld, so, ya know. I’m good.”

Rose lets out a big sigh. “I wish I was more help. I can make you cupcakes. Oh! We could have a girl’s night. I’d have to cancel on Finn, but-”

“No. It’s okay Rose. I really just want to take a nap anyway and I don’t want you canceling your date just for me.”

“Are you sure?” Rose frowns and squishes her eyebrows together, trying to get a read on me, I think. 

“Very sure.” I would be surprised if I didn’t pass out on the way home. Rose turns on the car and takes me straight home complaining about Latin the whole way. 

The moment I got up to my room, I passed out on the bed, not bothering to take off anything. The nightmare came back, but it was more like a dream this time. Snow was falling down all around me. Fires burned in the distance. I was being carried, I realized after a while. Strong arms held me against a wide chest. The masked man. The earth rumbled beneath his feet, but he didn’t seem to notice the earthquake.  _ Who are you?  _ I must have said that aloud because the man stops and looks down at me, black obsidian. I reach up to grab the mask and the dream fades away. 

When I wake up, my room is dark, but in winter that’s not saying much. It was practically dusk when I got out of school. I search my bed until I find my phone. 1 AM. Shit. My stomach rumbles. 

I quietly make my way downstairs. The lights are off and Maz’s door was closed, so she must be fast asleep already. I make myself a PB and J sandwich and look out the window over the sink into the backyard as I eat it. There’s a light on in Ben’s room. Do I? 

I promised. 

He wanted me to. 

I shut off all the lights and take my PBJ to go. A bitter wind cuts through the town chilling me to my core. I never did well with cold weather. My stomach is turning and tossing around my sandwich and my hands are shaking from more than just cold as I scale the trellis to his window. What would happen? What was he going to say? What did he want? What did I want? He was right. We shouldn’t do this. It would be messy. So messy. We’d get hurt. Both of us. Hurt each other. Hurt others. I’m about to turn around when the window slides open and Ben sticks his head out. I crawl in after him. 

I’m sure I must have looked half crazy. My eyes were red and tired from sleep and crying. My hair was a mess and I probably had peanut butter on my face somewhere. My clothes looked like I had just slept in them, which I had. I stood sheepishly at his window, not sure of what to do. Ben stood in the middle of his room, black pajama pants, black t-shirt. Most of the drawings were back on his walls. 

“I didn’t mean to sleep so long. Or to keep you waiting.”  _ Waiting for what? You? Ha.  _

“You didn’t… Do you- Do you really like me, Rey?” 

“I’ve been wanting to ask you the same thing.” I hesitate. Do I bare it all? Do I say everything and take the consequences as they come? My stomach twists and I consider throwing myself out the window. “I… I can’t stop thinking about you. I know I shouldn’t… I know we would be nothing but a mess together. I just… I can’t help it. I’ve never felt this way about anyone else before. I didn’t know I could feel like this.”

Ben looked like he just got punched in the gut, but almost in a good way. “I know. I feel the same way.”

His genuine smile made my heart shatter into a thousand beams of sunlight. I wanted to see that smile every day for the rest of my life. 

“I don’t care what everyone else thinks or says. From the moment I first saw you… It was like I already knew you.”

“Like we’ve met before.” Ben steps closer and we’re being drawn together, automatically. I can’t stop myself from being pulled closer to him. 

“Yeah, exactly,” I whisper. He’s so close it’s hard to breathe or think. He’s intoxicating. “What is this?”

“Dating hardly… Hardly seems like the right word.” Ben chuckles softly. 

“Do you believe in soulmates?” My voice comes out barely a whisper. 

“No, not really.” Ben pulls me closer and I’m enveloped in a slow kiss, soft lips, and gentle touches. He kisses me deeply, thoroughly. My body feels weightless in his arms.

_ Liar. Worthless.  _

I pull away and rest my forehead against his chest. He holds me close and I let out a tired and frustrated sigh. “Do you ever just hate the voice in your head?”

“All the time.” Ben murmurs into my hair. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always forget what I want to write for end notes. It's nearly five AM and I've done nothing but read and write Reylo for the last six+ hours. Give a shout out of your favorite Reylo fics in the comments so I have more to read! I'm really loving all of disasterism's work right now. If you want to see what I've been reading and enjoying lately, check out my bookmarks! And if you want to read more of my stuff and can't wait for updates, I have another Reylo story called After the Flames. 
> 
> Ben and Rey are just getting started. Usually, my style and flow average me around 13 or 14 chapters. But, I think this story is going to be around for the long run. Stay tuned!


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Wake up and smell the coffee
> 
> Is your cup half full or empty?
> 
> When we talk, you say it softly
> 
> But I love it when you're awfully quiet”
> 
> -come out and play, Billie Eilish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mentions of Drugs, Violence, Gangs, Mafias, Cartels, Slavery

“So… What is this? Us?” I don’t know why I was so desperate to put a label on it. He seemed just as confused as I was. 

“I-I don’t know. I’ve never dated anyone.” Ben shrugs sheepishly. 

“Me neither.” I chew on my lip as we lay in his bed, listening to quiet music. It’s two am by now, at least, and we haven’t stopped talking. I explore his hand with my fingertips and press each of them to my lips. “We can figure it out… As we go.”

Everything feels so quiet, peaceful. I could stay right here forever, I think. His hands run through my hair and it feels so nice, so relaxing. I let my eyes close for just a moment. 

I wake up in the early hours of the morning. The light in the room is soft, grey. There were no nightmares waking me this morning. Just the soft twittering of birds. I’m warm and comfy and about to go back to sleep when an arm falls over my waist pulling me closer. 

Oh. The shock of not waking up in my own bed hits me as I realize where I am. Ben pulls me closer and I don’t want to leave. But, I should. Maz would be waking up soon and her not finding me in bed was not an option. 

I didn’t want to leave. I slowly roll over to face Ben and smile. He looks so peaceful when he sleeps. I can’t stop myself from tracing my fingers over his cheekbones and lips. He wakes with a deep breath and seems surprised to see me there. 

“I should go… Before Maz wakes up.” I say softly and Ben’s smile falls a little. “Can I see you tonight?”

His smile completely disappears and he looks away from me. “I… Have to go to a party tonight.”

“Oh… Can I come with?”

Ben shakes his head. “No. It’s… I’m going to sell. I don’t want you near any of that. And I shouldn’t have taken you with me on homecoming night. Rey… If he gets his hands on you… He won’t let you go.”

“I can’t just let you go at this alone, Ben.” 

His hand runs through my hair, brushing it from my face. “I’m fine alone. It’s not safe, Rey. It’s only a party.”

“How long until Snoke leaves?”

“I’m not sure. The guys that supply me- They’re the ones that work for Snoke. They’re new so they don't know much. But I can’t contact anyone higher up the ranks without Snoke knowing… So, I don’t know. I’m meeting them tonight to try and find out what Snoke’s doing.”

“What would happen if Snoke finds out what you’re doing?”

“He thinks I’m gone still. If he finds out I’m not, he would try to turn me again. Make me run spice. And if he can’t turn me… He’ll kill me.” 

“He won’t turn you.” 

“Rey,” There’s a deep sadness in Ben’s eyes. He looks like he wants to tell me something, but he isn’t sure how. I open my mouth to protest, but the look he gives me is enough to let me know that he’s not going to budge this time. Instead, he looks away. “You should go before Maz wakes up.”

I can’t help feeling a little hurt as I slip out of the warm bed, but Ben is following me to the window. He slides it open for me, but I don’t leave, not yet. I don’t know what I want to say to him or what I want to ask. My mind is flooded with questions. Where do we go from here? How do we take down Snoke? Do we have to keep this a secret?

My thoughts turn to Poe and Finn and Rose. What would they think? Would they hate me? And Maz. She trusted me. She gave me everything I could possibly hope for and was caring for me and letting me stay… 

But then I look at him- the sad lonely boy who wanted and deserved love. Who wanted to love me. And I’m the sad, lonely girl who wanted to love back. And that, I guess, is enough for me to say fuck it. 

I run my hand through his hair and pull him down to meet me. His touch makes my soul burn and his kiss makes my heart race. Maybe I got it wrong. Maybe I am water and he is the desert. 

We break away from each other and I take a moment to take in the red of his lips, the rose of his cheeks, the sleepy boyish look in his eyes. “When’s the party?”

“Ten.”

“I’ll be here at nine.” I’m out the window before he can even argue, down the trellis and leaping back over the fence into Maz’s garden. I turn back for just a second and he’s still in the window watching me. I can’t stop the smile on my face, even as I turn back again and run inside. 

My momentary happiness is shattered by the thought of making up a lie for Maz. 

By the time Maz gets up, I have some semblance of a plan. It’s a dumb one… But one that has worked many times before. Maz is standing in the kitchen sipping her coffee when I come down.

I pour myself a cup and start making eggs and bacon. It was our usual Saturday morning routine before Miss Holdo stopped by, though we had now switched to monthly check-ins, and the next one wasn’t for a while. I can’t stop myself from humming, imagining his lips on mine, waking up in bed next to him. 

“Someone’s happy today.” Maz eyes me over her cup of coffee. 

I blush. “Yeah… I finally got a good night’s sleep.”

It wasn’t a lie… Just omission of  _ why _ I got such a good night's sleep. I make two plates of eggs and bacon and hand one to her. We sit in the living room and I turned on early morning cartoons. There was something so calming about watching kids shows on a Saturday morning. Maybe I was just catching up on a lost childhood. 

I try to silence the little pit of anxiety in my stomach- the one that feels guilty from lying, from keeping secrets. At least now I didn’t have to pretend to date Poe.  _ Just have to hide the fact that you want to date his mortal enemy.  _

I let out a deep breath and switch from cartoons to math and science homework. The numbers are soothing. They make sense. There’s logic in everything and every problem can be solved. It’s really not science I should be working on though. It’s the English and the history papers and Latin, gods! Latin. I should have just gone with Spanish. 

Maz is in the kitchen working on preserving the rest of the fruits and veggies for winter. We work together quietly, but separately, for a few hours. By the time lunch rolls around, I’m famished and ready for another nap. Maz brings me a sandwich piled with veggies and greens and hummus. The old me would have balked at this even on my hungriest days, but now it was one of my favorite things in the whole world. 

In the kitchen, Maz’s phone rang and she picked it up after with a curt, “Maz.”

So, it was business then. The bar. 

“What do you mean she quit? We’re already down two… Yes. I know that the show is tonight… Well, find someone… You’ve tried.” She sighed again. “I can’t come in, I’ve got Rey.”

My interest peaked at my name. I stood up from the table and stepped into the kitchen to get Maz’s attention. She rested the phone on her shoulder. “Yes, Rey?”

“I can go to Rose’s for the night.” It was my original plan, but… This one felt less… Well, less like a blatant lie, even if it wasn’t. Maz raised her eyebrows, and I quickly added, “She wouldn’t mind. She’s been trying to get me to stay over for forever and study and have a girl’s night. I can call and ask her, if you want me to.”

“Homework?” 

“It’s nearly done. And Rose was going to help me in Latin and English anyway.” I bit my lip hopefully. 

“Get her and her mother’s permission.” Maz tried to be stern, but just ended up smiling. She put the phone back to her ear. “I’ll be there in an hour.”

I went back to my remaining homework and tried to suppress the ever growing nausea. I should be excited. Or at least giddy from the rush of sneaking out.  _ Focus, Niima.  _ This was about helping Ben and trying to take down a drug dealer. And maybe… Maybe he’ll kiss me again. Maybe… Would I spend the night?

I hadn’t thought about that, admittedly. I couldn’t come back here. And I couldn’t go to Rose’s without explaining why I was showing up in the middle of the night. Would he let me? Maybe… Hopefully… After last night, all I wanted to do was curl up beside him and have dreamless sleep again. He could run his fingers through my hair and rub my back and maybe if one thing led to another-

“Whatcha thinking about, kid?” Maz’s voice pulls me out of my trance. 

“Oh- Nothing.” There’s nothing I can do to stop the rush of heat to my cheeks. Maz looks at me like she knows that it definitely is something. 

“That young man you had over for dinner was very nice.” I’m starting to think that Maz’s eyebrows are stuck like that. 

“We’re just friends.” I hope that she leaves it at that and she does. 

“Did you get a hold of Rose?”

“Yep.” I had… But it was only to confirm that she and her mom were staying in tonight. “She says it's fine.”

I try to look distracted with my homework, like it’s not one of the biggest lies I’ve ever told her. If she notices anything off, Maz says nothing about it, only shrugs. “Alright, kid. Well, I better go put out this dumpster fire of a show. I won’t be back here until late tonight. I’ve got my phone on me and a charger if ya need something.”

“Okay, see you later.” I scribble out random numbers on my math homework. When I look up, she’s headed out the door. The car roars to life a moment later and it’s only then that I allow myself to relax a little. 

I check the time. It’s only one. Eight hours until I said that I would be there. Eight hours to think about what a stupid idea this was. I didn’t even know where this party was or who would be there. Or if they would recognize me. I didn’t like going in blind or vulnerable. I needed to know more about Snoke, more about spice and molly and drugs in general. Yes, I had grown up around them and gotten foster parents arrested for them, but I had tried so very hard to stay away from it. Not when my parents… No. That was not a pit I was willing to throw myself in, not tonight. 

I couldn’t use the school’s computer with all the blocked sites and words. I’m sure ‘drugs’ and ‘murder’ would trip some sort of alert. I would have to use Maz’s ancient hunk of metal and be careful to cover my tracks with an incognito browser.

I made my way up to the office, which was nothing more than a tiny spare bedroom with some bookshelves and a desk looking out over the garden. I opened the computer and it took a second to turn on and boot up. It was slower than I was used to and it sounded like a plane failing to take off, but it had internet and a browser with incognito mode, so it would work. 

It wasn’t until my stomach was audibly rumbling that I pulled myself out of my deep internet research spiral. What started as a futile attempt to learn anything about Snoke turned into a deep dive into the nuances of the spice trade- none of it good. Cartels and gangs and slavery and murder… There were endless sources and documentation of it. Hundreds of groups fighting against it and trying to help. It was dangerous and deadly and I understood why Ben wanted to keep me out of it. I understood, but it was not enough to make me back away. I had dealt with bad people before… I could deal with a murderous, manipulative drug lord. 

_ I’m screwed. I’m absolutely fucked. Fuck.  _

If there’s one thing that I am it’s persistent and stubborn. I would show up just to spite Ben, but I really didn’t want him doing this alone. I clear my browser and shut the computer off and make my way downstairs to warm up some of the corn chowder soup Maz had made. It’s delicious, as usual. 

7:30 PM. I take a deep breath. Already it’s dark outside and, judging from the wind, cold, no doubt. Who wanted to party in the winter… I mean seriously? I shrug it off and wash and dry and put away my dishes, hiding any evidence I was ever here. That was a familiar feeling at least. One doesn’t survive the foster system without learning how to not exist. 

If I was going to do this, and I was, I was going to need to play the part. Dress for success, as Rose would say. And to maybe make myself unrecognizable enough. I made my way upstairs and grabbed my meager makeup bag, courtesy of Rose again. After the homecoming dance, she had sent me home with a mountain of things she and her sister didn’t want anymore. 

I was cursing by the end of it, but half an hour later I had dark eyes and red lipstick and a semi-decent cat-eye. It wasn’t half bad for someone who never wears makeup. I hadn’t been going for a bad girl Sandy from Grease vibe, but here I was. The thought of it sent a shiver up my spine. I gathered some false confidence and dove into my wardrobe. Jeans, black combat boots, a black  _ Star Destroyers  _ t-shirt, and a leather jacket all waited for me. Someone before me had definitely liked punk rock. 

It was eight-thirty now. I gathered my things and, after a moment’s thought, grabbed a black beanie too. My plan was to wait outside for him in case he tried to leave early without me. The house was dark and it didn’t seem like anyone was home. I snuck around the side of the house towards the unattached garage. Ben’s car was still there. And… yes. It was unlocked. I smirked and climbed in.  _ Try and leave without me now.  _

A few minutes passed and I heard someone walking by. I sank lower in the seat, unsure if it was Ben coming or, gods forbid, his mother or father. The car door opened and Ben got in only to fall out the moment he saw me. “Goddammit, Rey!”

I giggled just a little as he climbed back in. For a second, he looked down-right murderous and I wondered if I had gone too far. His hands grip the steering wheel with white knuckles as he tries to calm himself. His lips part to let out a little laugh. “You’re going to be the death of me one day.”

“You were trying to leave without me.” I cock my eyebrow and try to look miffed, but I’m not sure if I succeeded. He looks over at me and makes the same noise that he made at the dance. What? What was it? A blush creeps into my cheeks. “What?”

“Nothing.” Ben clears his throat and starts up the car. It roars to life and settles to a gentle purr. We pull out of the garage and all the nerves I’ve been feeling burst forth. We’re in the car alone together and I’m sneaking out of town to go to a party to help the guy I want to kiss sell drugs. I suppose there were crazier stories. I could be a space pirate. 

There’s a ton of CDs and tapes littered throughout the car and I start sifting through them. I need something to take the anxiety away and maybe channel the inner punk rock I needed to get through the night. The back of my neck tingles and I look over to catch him quickly looking away. My cheeks heat. “Really, what?”

“Nothing… It’s just… You look different.”

“Different.” I deadpan. 

“Yeah… I don’t think I’ve ever seen you wear black.” He glances over at me. Oh.

“Yeah… I usually don’t. Rose just told me-”

“You told Rose?” His question comes out harsher than I think he means it to be, judging by the way he winces after. 

“No. I haven’t told Rose anything. I want to… But I know I can’t, so I won't. She just always says to dress for the occasion. And this occasion happens to call for… Edgier than normal.” 

“You look beautiful.” He says it so softly that I almost think I imagined it. We’re headed out of town now, driving south in the darkness. After a few minutes of searching, I finally find a CD of a  _ Star Destroyers  _ album and hit eject on the CD player. A silver  _ Now that’s What I call Music: 32  _ CD slides out and I eye it dubiously. 

Ben catches the look on my face and grumbles. “My dad drove last.”

“Your dad has a strange taste in music then.”

“Hit music from 2009 not your style?” Ben chuckles and hands me the CD case.

“Sometimes.” I take it from him and put the  _ Star Destroyers  _ album in. Heavy guitar and drums fill the car. “Not tonight.”

“We can turn around if you want.” He glances at me. “Seriously, Rey.”

“I know you don’t want me to get involved, but I want to get involved. And as you can see… You’re kinda shit at stopping me.” 

“It’s not for lack of trying.” There that little smile on his lips. We drive in silence for a while, listening to the music. 

I can’t help but study him as he drives. His ears peek out a little from under his hair. They’re a little too big for his face and so is his nose, but it suits him. His eyelashes are sinfully long and his eyes are warm browns and ambers. I count the freckles on his cheekbones in the lights of passing cars and I’m thankful that it’s now dark enough that he can’t really see me staring. He’s wearing his usual all blank ensemble, but today the sleeves are pushed up past his elbows and I watch his forearms with fascination as he effortlessly shifts between gears. My heart is pounding and I’m maybe more than a little turned on. 

When I look back up at his face, he’s thinking so hard I can practically hear the thoughts in his head. I sigh. “Out with it.”

“What?”

“I can practically hear your brain thinking about all the ways having me along could go wrong. So out with it.”

He gives me a look like no one has ever talked to him like that. It’s a funny mix of bewilderment and awe. He shakes his head after a moment. “I just don’t understand why you want to come with me. It’s not classy. It’s not fun or nice. It’s a job. Selling drugs. For drug dealers. Who happens to be one of the largest gangs in Vermont.”

I can’t stop myself from laughing. “Sorry… Just… Vermont gangs.”

“Rey-” He’s beyond done with me now. 

“Ben, you do realize that I haven’t had the greatest life right? That I spent much of my childhood living with a man who stripped cars for all the lovely dealers and gang bosses and lowlives of Jakku? Gangs and drug lords and overall shitty people are nothing new to me. My parents-” I stop myself from saying aloud the real reason I was putting everything on the line. I wasn’t ready to admit it to myself. Not yet. It hurt too much. “Where are we going anyway?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Off to a party! 
> 
> Anyone else start off really strong with a story idea and then three chapters in start doubting everything about it? Yeah? Me too. 
> 
> In other news, if you're interested in Star Wars and Harry Potter, I've just started working on a Harry Potter AU for our two favorite star crossed lovers. The first chapter is posted so go check it out! Updates to this story will be less frequent (every two days) as I am now working on multiple projects. 
> 
> Also, Ben has his own playlist! Check it out: https://spoti.fi/3bgeYKK


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Mama got drunk and daddy went crazy  
> If your speech slurs  
> If you feel shaky  
> Meet me out back I'll be there waiting  
> Riding in the back seat  
> Watching the spit fly  
> And the hummingbird chime  
> Oh mama, Oh papa  
> Oh mama, Oh papa  
> How much blood is worth a drug?  
> How much blood is worth a drug?  
> Real love, real love, real love makes your lungs black”
> 
> \- Real Love, Big Thief

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Drug Abuse, Attempted Sexual Assault, Assault, Drinking, Graphic Depictions of Violence
> 
> There's a lot in the chapter so let me know if I missed any <3

I wasn’t sure what to expect when we pulled up to what was apparently locally known as The Cantina, but I know that it wasn’t a giant mansion that rivaled where Poe’s Back to School party was. This one had to be at least twice as big with multiple buildings and manicured lawns and the most expensive cars I’ve ever seen in my life strewn about them. Beyond the house, if you could even call it that, was a huge lake. The mansion seemed to be the only one at its edge. Private house, private lake. 

This is beyond the old wealth of many of Republic’s residents. This is absurd borderline impossible trust fund babies and a private jet every weekend type of wealth. Ben’s face turns hard, his mouth a tight thin line as we pull into some semblance of parking. We’re basked in the lights of the house, and now that the car is off I can hear the boom of music from inside. 

“Where did all these people come from?”

Ben pulls his hoodie over his hair. It’s big enough that it nearly shields his eyes from view. He’s gotten increasingly more tense as we got closer to our destination. “We’re less than an hour from Coruscant. Most of them go to the university.”

Right. The same one Rose’s sister was going to. The same one I would probably go to if I got the chance. “Why come all the way out here? There’s got to be bars and parties in the city.”

“There are.” Ben nods. “But you can get away with a lot more shit out in the middle of nowhere. The cops don’t usually come… But if they do. Get out. Don’t wait for me.”

My eyes go wide as Ben hands me the keys. “Ben, I can’t drive. I especially can’t drive a stick shift.”

“Right.” A muscle in Ben’s jaw twitches. “Take them anyway. So at least you have a chance. And a safe place to go.”

“And you won’t just leave me.”

“I would never just leave you.” 

My heart practically stops at his words. I had met it in a joking way, but I didn’t realize how much it would mean to hear him say it. He didn’t mean it in the way I wanted him to, but still…

“But don’t wait for me. Don’t come after me. Just get out, Rey. I mean it.” His eyes met mine and we’re there again. The space of time where everything is a little bit sharper and my heart beats a little bit faster. I just want to reach out and kiss him and climb into the back seat and- He pulls away again and tosses the keys in my lap. I secure them in the inner pocket of my jacket and get out of the car. 

What happened to the guy from last night? The one who wanted to kiss me and hold me and smile? I got that he didn’t want me here and that maybe he was grumpy I got my way, but-

_ Maybe he realized that last night was a mistake. Who would want to be with you anyway? He thinks you’re a sloppy kisser who dresses weird and sneaks into cars and bedrooms.  _

No, he’s just tense, that’s all. He doesn’t want me here because he doesn’t want me to get hurt. And besides, it’s not like I’m here for any particular reason. 

_ Just more dead weight. Useless, as usual.  _

Well, I’ll just make myself useful then, won’t I? I have to almost jog to keep up with Ben’s huge strides as we cross the giant lawn. His hands are in his pockets, eyes down, a phantom in the night. I wouldn’t have noticed him if I wasn’t here with him. 

“Are any of Snoke’s guys going to be here?”

“Some. Low-level guys, like me. One guy can’t handle a party of this magnitude by himself. Try to stay away from them.”

How am I supposed to stay away from them if I don’t know who they are? I guess… Just walk away if someone offers drugs? I don’t think D.A.R.E. prepared me for this kind of situation. 

“And those are the guys you need information from.”

Ben stops and turns to look down at me. I’m shivering slightly in the cold air. “Don’t talk to them, Rey. Please.”

“I won’t,” I say and his eyes harden. I sigh. “I promise I won’t try to talk or interact with possible drug dealers who aren’t you, Ben.”

That at least gets a smirk out of him. It’s gone after a second though. “And don’t call me Ben. They know me as Kylo here.”

Kylo? I frown, but he’s taken off before I can ask any more questions. We walk through the doors and I’m plunged into complete chaos. Everyone around me is screaming and thrusting their fists in the air, cheering on something that I can’t even make out. I’m surrounded by bunnies and princesses and dinosaurs and sexy nurses. A zombie crashes into me and stumbles away without an apology. Suddenly I realize that it’s Halloween weekend. And I guess I’m dressed for the occasion. 

I’m completely lost and overwhelmed until his hand finds mine. A wave of calm washes over me and I feel a little bit better as we weave through the crowd. I have no idea where he’s taking me and it feels like we’re walking forever though rooms of people, but I’m content holding his hand. 

Then we’re in a kitchen and it seems like every available surface has been filled with every drink imaginable. Ben lets go of my hand to grab two cups. One he fills with whiskey, the other… Ben studies me for a moment then sets to work grabbing various bottles. A moment later he hands me my cup. I look inside at the slightly yellowy-brown liquid inside. 

“What is it?” 

“Whiskey sour.” He grins and takes a slow sip of his own whiskey. “You look like you could use it.”

“I forgot it’s Halloween. Parties aren’t really my thing.”

“Me either.”

I take a sip and to my surprise it’s good. Really good. “I like it. Where’d you learn to make it?”

“My mother.”

I snort, trying to imagine the put together principal drinking anything but some fancy bottle of wine. Then again… If I had to deal with a school full of hormonal teenagers, maybe I would be driven to drink the stronger stuff, too. I take another sip and man… It hits fast. I can already feel it warming my stomach. I find myself stepping closer to Ben, just wanting to be near him. His eyes are downcast, not really looking at me. Is it wrong to want him to look at me?

“I thought you were here to work.” He’d been so serious in the car, but now we were just standing in a giant kitchen with drinks. 

“I have been,” Ben smirks and flashes me an already thick wad of cash in his pocket. So all that time we were walking… He had been dealing with one hand and holding mine with the other. It shouldn’t be so hot. It really shouldn’t. 

And maybe it’s the drink in my hand or maybe it's the pure rush of adrenaline and hormones that makes me press myself against him and pull his lips down to meet mine. If it is, I don’t care. He tastes like whiskey and sweat and smells warm and slightly sweet. His arms wrap around me and he makes a little moan that sends me dark with need. I don’t even care if other people are in the room. It’s an assault on all my senses and I need more. 

“Is that none other than KYLO REN kissing a girl?” The voice booms through the kitchen, but Ben’s strong hands don’t let me pull away or turn my head. He’s immediately tense again. 

Ben’s lips brush against my ears. “Walk away. I’ll find you.”

“Are you okay?”

I’m answered with a quick nod and he lets me pull away. His lips are red with my lipstick. And I gesture quickly to them before turning to walk away. 

“Oh, sweetheart, don’t stop on my account.” 

I stiffen and finally look at the owner of the voice. His face is tan, brown eyes, brown hair beneath a cowboy hat. He’s got a smirk on his face that currently, I would like to wipe off of it. He’s wearing a long black coat, a black waistcoat, and a cowboy hat like a Western criminal or bounty hunter or something. His face is strangely familiar, but I can’t place it. “Don’t call me sweetheart.”

“Ooh.” He takes a sharp inhale and looks me over with what can only be described as bedroom eyes. “Cat’s got claws. Why don’t you leave emo boy over there and stay awhile with me? I’m Bobby. And you are?”

I glance over at Ben and he looks to be about a half-second from murdering this asshole. I wouldn’t blame him, but we’re here for information and this guy looks like he could work for Snoke, so I take the only way out that I can think of on a dime and say. “About to go take a shit and change my tampon.”

It’s enough to throw the guy off for a second, which is enough time to slip back into the crowd and get away from the kitchen. I glance back at Ben and I swear there’s a legit smile on his face now. 

I take a deep breath and a sip of my drink. I just need to slow down and take stock of the people around me. Most of them seem to be college age. There’s frat bros in bad, cheap costumes and skinny girls in skin-tight costumes. Everyone seems to have a cup in their hands or a cigarette or joint of some kind. The air is dark and hazy with smoke in this part of the house. Lights and lasers flash around, coming from what seems to be an actual DJ. Everyone is moving around me in a crowd of hot, sweaty bodies. And I almost understand. It’s easy to get lost in the music and throw any fucks out the door. 

So this is where Ben spends his time. I move through the room… which must have been a giant entertainment room at some point. It’s hard to tell. I’m on the lookout for drug dealers, I guess. I pass through a door and find myself in a smaller lounge room. There are people everywhere, most laying down. A group is laughing and talking and passing around a joint. The heavy scent of weed hits my senses, the cloud of it is so thick I can barely see the ceiling. 

My feet take me through the room and into a long wide hallway. It’s a deep, dark wine red and lit with golden lighting. The walls are lined with paintings and sconces. I finish my glass, but hang on to it. It’s quieter here. Wherever here is. This whole place is like a maze, and I doubted that I could make it back to the front door by myself. 

The hall is lined with several doors, some of which are open. I peer through. They’re all filled with dim lights and strange, heavy scents that hang in the air like smoke. There are people in most of them, dark figures that dance in the shadows or laugh distantly. I get a strange feeling that I’m not supposed to be there. 

I’m about to turn around and head back in the direction of the party when a voice catches my attention. 

“Snoke is getting impatient.” The hiss comes from a room beyond a door that is just barely open a crack. I glance in each direction down the hall, but it’s empty, so I press myself against the wall, trying to listen in. “And after the last deal fell through, he needs this one done or my neck breaks.”

There’s another voice, deeper and raspier than the first. “30th. Midnight. Warehouse. You make it fucking work. Got it?”

“Understood.” The higher voice is strained, and there’s motion in the room. I only have half a second after I realize they’re leaving to play off getting caught. The door opens and I keel over like I’m about to throw up. I see polished black shoes. 

“God, not here.” The voice says stiffly. I hold my hand to my mouth and force a hiccup. It’s now or never for my best impression of my third foster mom. I look up trying to look as glazed over as I can at the skinny, deathly pale redhead looking at me with complete disgust. His eyes are sunken and tired. 

“You’re cute,” I giggle.

He narrows his eyes, then turns on his heels and walks off down the hall. The man who follows him is extraordinarily tall and big, at least 6’6” and loaded with muscle. A beard covers his face and is tied an inch or so below the chin. His hair is brown and grey and just as long. He looks like a biker dude, but there’s something off about him. Something way too nice. He looks down at me as I hold myself up against the wall and I manage a huge shitfaced grin. He regards me for a moment then only says, “Get some water, girl.”

I giggle again and he lumbers off down the hallway in the opposite direction of the scowling redhead. I wait until I can no longer see either of them and decide to go in the direction of the redhead, back the way I came. I found the DJ and the crowd and made my way through to the kitchen area. Ben was nowhere to be found, but neither was the asshole who called me sweetheart. Bobby.

I searched through the bottles on the counter trying to remember what exactly Ben had put in my drink. Whiskey, obviously. Sour…. Lemon, I think. I find a bottle of lemon juice and squeeze a bit into my glass. Then, water. He had put some from the tap in. I take a sip and it’s way too sour, not as sweet. I reach for a bottle that says simple syrup. The liquid inside is thick and clear. Upon further inspection, I find that it’s mainly just water and sugar. Perfect. I mix it all together and take a sip. It’s surprisingly good- a bit heavy on the whiskey. Ben’s was better. I take a sip and check my phone. No messages. Which I supposed was a good thing.

I want to find Ben and tell him what I heard. There must be hundreds of people here. Was someone even in charge? Who owned this place anyway? There were no rules, no order, just pure unadulterated chaos. Should I just wait in the kitchen?

The thought of Bobby Fett coming back plus the giant group of people migrating into the kitchen send me out another door and into another room. This one is blasting EDM. The next room is screamo and the next is country, of all things. Each room, filled with people. It’s all a little bit too much and I can’t see Ben anywhere. Finally, I spy a set of stairs and go up them in a desperate attempt to escape all the noise. 

The second floor is quieter. There are fewer people here and it’s mainly just another long hallway. There’s an open door on my right that seems to be the entrance to a library, though I could hardly imagine anyone in this house using it. I slip inside and take in the scent of old leather and paper. The room is big enough that it rivals Jakku’s Public Library. Freestanding shelves filled with books are placed in neat rows. And there’s a wall of giant windows overlooking the lake. 

I wander through the shelves and make my way to the window. The lake is beautiful, reflecting the lights of the mansion. There’s nothing but woods for miles around. I sip at my drink, but it’s already nearly gone. The alcohol filling me with a warm, light tingle. I hoped that Ben would find me. Wrap his arms around me and hold me as we look out on the lake. He always seemed to find me when I wanted him to. Or I find him. 

“There you are.”

I freeze because it’s not Ben’s voice. I turn around to see Bobby standing behind me. He’s holding a dark drink in his hand, but his eyes are clear, focussed. I attempt to make a getaway, but he puts an arm out, stopping me. His intention is clear. I’m not getting away from this without a fight. 

“What do you want?” I immediately start assessing my situation. He was taller than me, stronger than me, and likely faster than me. His arm blocked the quickest path to the entrance I had come in. And the other way… He would intercept me before I got to the door. There was a chance that a room this big would have another entrance, but I didn’t know that for sure. With the noise of people and music downstairs it was unlikely anyone would hear me yell or scream unless they were in the room or right outside. And it was a small chance that someone would be there and that they would actually do something about it to help me. I was, for all intents and purposes, trapped. My surest bet was a swift kick to the balls and running as fast as I possibly could.

“I just want to talk, sweetheart.” He cooed and stepped closer. Close enough for me to enact my only chance at escape. 

I almost succeeded, too. Bobby crumpled into a ball and I took off running only to have arms wrap around me as I raced through the door. I scratched and kicked and bit at anything I could reach, but it didn’t seem to matter. Bobby was back to standing, his face red. And I realized that I had just made everything a lot worse. 

The man who grabbed me at the door threw me to the ground at Bobby’s feet. I stood seething. He looked me over like I was nothing but trash and finally said. “Guard the door.”

The other man left. We were in between two long bookshelves. I could turn and run, but now I knew that he had friends. I wasn’t scared though I knew I should have been. All I felt was whiskey and an uncontrollable desire to see this man bleed. 

He sighed. “You don’t have to make this so hard on yourself, sweetheart. I just wanna know about you and your boyfriend.”

“He’s not my boyfriend.” I grit my teeth. 

“Well, no matter your relations… Snoke doesn’t like people touching his boys. And he’s made it very clear that Ben is still one of his. I’m assigned to keep it that way.”

“You… You know he’s Ben?”

Bobby snorts. “Of course I do. I would have thought Plutt had taught you better, Rey. We lost you for a while with Plutt going to jail and everything. My master will be pleased that we’ve found you again. And so deliciously close to his favorite apprentice.”

“What?” Intense nausea sweeps through me, almost sending me back to my knees as I suddenly remember why Bobby was so familiar. He was one of the teenagers that liked to hang out around Plutt’s shop as a kid. But what did he mean he thought Plutt would have  _ taught me better?  _ The only thing he taught me was how to hide and that tiny hands were useful for tight spaces in cars. 

“Do I have to spell it out for you? Snoke has had his eye on you for a while, sweetheart. You should be honored, really.” Bobby takes a step closer and I want to move away, but I’m frozen to the ground. He lifts his hand and cold fingers brush against my cheeks. He hums as he does this and pulls something from his coat pocket. A small pill. “You’re absolutely shaking, sweetheart. I have something that can take away the pain.”

His fingers press the pill to my lips and my mouth opens voluntarily. As his fingers pass between my teeth, I look this monster of a man in the eyes and bite. Hard. 

A sickening crunch echoes through the library as coppery tasting blood gushes into my mouth. Bobby falls to the ground screaming in agony and clutching his hand. My vision goes red as I spit out the blood in my mouth. 

“Rey!” Ben’s arms wrap around me and pull me away from Bobby. I realized faintly that I had been kicking him. He’s moaning and clutching his hand and there’s blood everywhere. But I’m safe. I’m okay. I’m in Ben’s arms. 

I’m crying and he’s pulling me away. And we’re walking through the halls. And I’m in shock. I think. Is this what shock is? I’m not sure. Why aren’t people staring at me? Why aren’t they doing anything to help? Fuck them. Wait. It’s Halloween.

Cold air hits my face and I realize that we’re outside again walking in the grass back to the car. My feet are struggling to keep up and Ben stops, sweeping me into his arms and carrying me. I wrap my fingers in his shirt and cling to him. He sets my feet down gently when we get to the car, but I don’t let go. 

“Rey, I need the keys. Please.” His voice is oh so gentle, but I can feel what he’s trying to hold back. I release my grip on him and find the keys and hand them to him. He unlocks the car and we both get in. The car starts up and we pull away from the mansion as if nothing had happened. I stare at the blue numbers of the clock. 

1:11. 

1:12.

1:13. 

The car slows and pulls to the side of the road. Ben pulls off to the side of the road and gets out, leaving the car running and the door open. I watch his dark figure leave the road and he disappears into the treeline. A moment later, a pained, guttural scream echoes through the darkness. I climb out of the car and run in its direction. 

Ben stands in the moonlight screaming as his fists attempt to pulverize a tree. I don’t think twice as I wrap my arms around his waist. Ben freezes and slowly he relaxes beneath my touch. His body shakes under my forehead and I think that he’s crying. “Can we go home, Ben?”

He nods slowly after a while and I take his hand. We walk back to the car and I slide in first over the middle to the passenger seat. The overhead light is still on as he gets in and I take the chance of looking at myself in the mirror. I hardly recognize the girl looking back at me. Her eyes are dark, ringed with smudged mascara. Her lips are red with lipstick and trails of blood mark lines down her chin and next. There’s a fine splatter of the stuff all over her skin. Overall, it was a downright convincing Halloween costume. Too bad no one would realize it was real.

Ben reaches past me and opens the glove box in front of me. His hands are cracked and bleeding, but he doesn’t seem to notice. He quickly pulls out a packet of hand wipes, but not before I see the butt of a pistol sticking out from underneath a pile of papers. I turn towards him as he opens the wipes and takes one out. He glances up at me and I lean forward. 

He presses the wipe to my cheek and carefully begins to scrub away the blood. It’s hard to breathe, but I’m not sure it’s because of a bad thing. His eyes are furious and firey and yet oh so gentle as he draws the cloth over my skin. His fingers graze my cheek and I can’t help the little gasp that escapes my lips. I let him clean my neck and my eyes and my lips and by the time he’s done, there’s a pile of red and black and brown wipes on the floor. 

I open my eyes and he’s staring at me. There’s a little bit of fear there, and a whole lot of anger and confusion and want and need. I can tell he won’t do anything, not unless I give him permission. The lights of the car flicker off and we’re bathed in the light blue glow of the radio and speedometer. 

The darkness cuts shadows like scars across half his face and I feel as if I’m somehow viewing an old and ancient memory. I catch his hand in my own as he takes the wipe away from my face. I grab a wipe and carefully clean his bleeding knuckles bloody palms. He hisses with pain as I do so, but he doesn’t stop me. 

I’m done, but I don’t want to let him go. I bring his hand to my lips and gently kiss his fingertips… his knuckles… the underside of his palm. I leave his hand there and his fingers curl in my hair and I am filled with an aching need to be consumed by him. I look up at him and I knew he feels it too. I said yes. Not audibly, but it was there all the same. 

We crashed together in the middle, lips meeting and hands grabbing a hold of anything and everything just to get a little bit closer. I shrug off my jacket and practically tear off his hoodie and his lips are sucking on my neck and don’t let this stop please don’t. 

Ben slows, then stops and pulls away and I whimper. He’s holding himself back, struggling to. He clears his throat. “We should go. They’ll be looking for us. And I don’t want to do this- not here.”

He’s right. I hate it but I know he’s right. I nod and untangle myself from him. It’s only then that I realize I’m still shaking. Ben rights himself on the driver's side of the bench seating. I can’t bring myself to slide back over to the passenger side. Instead, I curl up beside him, as close as I can with the stick shift. Ben reaches into the back seat and grabs a blanket. I take it gratefully. He changes the music out and we start back down the long tree-lined road. 

It takes a moment before I realize we’re listening to Hozier and I settle against his shoulder. His hand alternates between my leg and the shifter and I start to relax against him. The familiar music and the gentle movement of the car is soothing. Soon I can’t keep my eyes open even though I try. The road extends out forever into the darkness beyond the beams of the old car. I’m far too tired to think about the events of the night and I’m grateful. I let myself drift off to sleep against him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof. That was a doozy. Expect a new chapter in two or three days! Thank you so much for all the love in the comments. Keep it going! They give me life and motivation <3


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “And I'd give up forever to touch you  
> 'Cause I know that you feel me somehow  
> You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be  
> And I don't want to go home right now  
> And all I can taste is this moment  
> And all I can breathe is your life  
> And sooner or later it's over  
> I just don't wanna miss you tonight  
> And I don't want the world to see me  
> 'Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
> When everything's meant to be broken  
> I just want you to know who I am”
> 
> -Iris, Goo Goo Dolls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mentions of the assault from previous chapter

He shouldn’t have let her come. He shouldn’t. And Ben had tried to leave without her, but she had caught that too. Admittedly… It was a little expected. He could have left hours earlier. There was a part of him that wouldn’t admit to wanting her there. But he had. Ben couldn’t deny it, not with her curled up against him sleeping. 

If she hadn’t come along with him, Bobby Fett would have never gotten his hands on her. She would have never been alone, never been in that library. Ben gripped the steering wheel until it hurt. His hands throbbed. Rey shifted beside him, mumbling in her sleep, as if she had sensed his distress. Ben loosened his grip and Rey immediately relaxed into him. 

That’s what he didn’t understand, this bond between them. He had… Sensed that she was in trouble. If anyone asked him to explain how, Ben wasn’t sure he would be able to explain it. He had just… Known. Known that she needed him. Known that she was in danger. And deeper… He knew where she was. Somehow. 

He had been trying to find her anyway. And when he saw Bossk standing at the door of the library, the rage that had taken over him had been uncontrollable. Ben wasn’t sure how he did that either- left the man bleeding and unconscious on the floor. He didn’t know how far he would have gone if he hadn’t heard Bobby screaming inside. 

He had found her almost immediately. Blood everywhere as she kicked the man on the floor. His heart had stopped thinking it was her blood and he reached out to grab her. He seemed to have the same effect on her that she did on him. 

And the sight of her face. The blood everywhere. The fury in her eyes. She seemed unharmed, physically. He knew what the mental repercussions might hold. He wanted to ask her what had happened. But not tonight. Not until she was ready to tell him. Ben rested his hand on her knee just to remind himself she was there. 

It was well past two am by the time they got back home. Rey awoke groggily as he downshifted through town and pulled into the old garage. She moved away from him and Ben found himself immediately missing her touch. She stretched and groaned and gave him a bashful, sleepy look. 

Ben didn’t want her to go. He wanted to ask her to stay the night. He wanted to make sure she was okay in the morning. He didn’t know what she had told Maz, but he was sure it wasn’t ‘I’m going to a party, I’ll be back at three am.’ Still, he offered, “I’ll walk you home.”

Rey looked almost hurt. A small ‘oh’ escaped from her lips. Ben immediately found himself backtracking. “You can stay if you want.”

Her eyes shown in the soft glow of the overhead light, hopeful. She was so beautiful with sleepy eyes and little freckles scattered across the bridge of her nose. “Can I? I… I don’t want to be alone tonight.”

“Yeah. You always can.” Ben reached out and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. She grinned and Ben knew he would die for her if it came down to it. He would kill to see her smile. They got out of the car and snuck around to the back porch and climbed the trellis. At this point, this window was the main entrance to his room. Leia and Han had stopped trying a long time ago to stop him from sneaking out. They didn’t seem to care what he did as long as he went to therapy and didn’t get caught breaking the law.

Still, Rey was here now. He had to be careful for her. She had a lot more to lose if she got caught here. At least he had somewhat picked up. Having her in here always put him on edge. He wanted to know what she was thinking more than anything. 

He turned back to look at her and closed the window behind them. She was fiddling with the neck of her shirt idly, a distant look in her eye. There was blood on her shirt and splattered on her pants. Even… In her hair. Ben made sure the window was locked, shades drawn. He couldn’t do much, but he could at least make sure Bobby’s blood wasn’t on her anymore. Shower. Clean clothes. Whatever she wanted. 

Ben started the shower water and hunted down clean towels. Rey appeared at the door of his little bathroom. 

“Are you… Running that for me?” Her voice was small, soft. Distant. He wanted to bring her back. Bring back the smile and that glint in her eye. It wouldn’t happen tonight. 

“Yeah.” Ben moved to let her through and go into his room, but she stopped him with a hand on his chest. She melted into him and Ben put his arms around her pulling him close. How? How was she here now? Everyone else was either scared of him or avoided him or wanted something from him. But Rey seemed content to just be with him. 

“Thank you.” Rey whispers. Ben knows it’s not enough, that he should do more. She pulls away a little bit. “I don’t have any other clothes.”

“Right.” Ben left her and snagged a pair of old pajama pants and a soft t-shirt from his drawer. She took them from him with a small smile and he stood at the door for a second, not sure of what to do. “Uh… I’ll be out here if you need anything.”

Rey nodded and shut the door between them. Ben forced himself to move away from the door and… What now? Would it be weird to just sit and wait? Ben made his way to his speaker system and put on a soft indie playlist. She seemed to like that type of stuff. And water. She might want water and a snack. 

Ben quietly left his room and made his way past his parents room. Han was snoring inside. There were no lights to show that Leia was up, but… She had caught him before. 

Everything between them had been so jagged and broken for so long. They knew about Snoke. They knew about Lily. But they didn’t know how deeply horrible everything was. There were things that Ben had never spoken about to anyone. Things he didn’t even want to tell himself. 

Now there was guarded caution. Words unspoken and gentle prodding at him that always ended in explosive fighting. Leia tried. They both did, but there was still too much pain. Not enough time to heal. 

Ben was relieved to find that the kitchen was empty. He quickly grabbed a glass of water, some fruit, chips, and chocolate from his mother’s stash of snacks. He had no idea what Rey liked. He hurried back up stairs and placed everything on her side of the bed. Her side. Apparently she had a side now. 

Anticipation and anxiety made him antsy to do something, anything to keep his mind from racing. Did she want to sleep in the same bed as him? Like she had before? That had been accidental. He could sleep on the couch or the floor. If he could sleep at all. Ben changed out of his jeans and t-shirt and into pajama pants and a different black t-shirt. He sniffed himself and gagged and put on deodorant. He turned off the overhead light and turned on the red LED lights and bedside lamp. And when there was nothing else Ben could possibly do to get ready for bed, he grabbed his sketchbook and sat in bed and tried to focus on drawing. 

The outlines of a figure carrying another figure through a snowy forest start to come through. The ground beneath the man’s feet was cracking, but he carried the girl calmly against his chest. He in black and she in white. A mask covered his face. Ben had drawn this figure many times before- the man in the mask. Never before had anyone else been with him. Sometimes… Ben swore he could almost hear the man’s voice whispering to him, low and deep.

The shower shut off and Ben flipped to a different sketch, this one unfinished. It wasn’t that he wanted to hide the masked man from her… He just wasn’t ready to tell her. Wasn’t sure he’d be able to explain what or who or why. 

Rey emerged from the bathroom a couple minutes later. His t-shirt hung off her frame like an oversized dress, but she still wore his pants underneath. They were far too long for her and she looked a little bit as if she were drowning in cotton, but she was cute. Beautiful. Gorgeous. Amazing. Her cheeks were pink with heat and her hair was damp. She looked a bit more alive now. She squeezed her hair with a towel and Ben wanted to bolt out of the room so she wouldn’t see how incredibly nervous he was. 

“That’s for you.” Ben gestured to the food and water. “I didn’t know what you might want.”

“You got this for me?” She looked at it in disbelief, as if no one had ever done anything for her before. Rey set her towel down on his desk chair and took a long drink of water. She picked out the chocolate and Ben couldn’t help his grin. She glanced at the free spot on his bed and before Ben could offer to sleep on the floor, Rey was curled up beside him. 

Rey opened the chocolate bar and snapped off a corner. She popped it into her mouth. Ben was lost in the feeling of her beside him. It felt so right. How could someone make him feel like this… Ben never believed… No. He wasn’t ready to go that far. She could turn around and run away and never speak to him again. She should. “What are you working on?”

“Ah…” Ben looked down at the strange alien-like creature. He wasn’t sure where this idea had come from either. “I’m not sure.”

“You’re amazing at drawing.” Rey’s words were a bit muffled by the chocolate in her mouth. 

Ben felt his ears heat up. “I’m not that great.”

Rey rolled her eyes. “Do you like aliens? Space, sci-fi stuff?”

“Yeah… I mean. I kinda didn’t have a choice. My parents met at a Sci-Fi convention and they’ve always been really into that stuff.” Ben tapped his pencil against his notebook hoping that their conversation didn’t delve into the fragile relationship he had with his parents.

Rey snorted and there was that same disbelief in her voice. “A Sci-Fi convention? Did they like… Dress up?”

“Yeah.” Ben really didn’t want to talk about it. 

Rey was quiet for a second. “Sorry… I didn’t mean to pry. It’s just hard to imagine Principal Organa dressed up as an alien or space princess or something.”

“Lt. Ripley. From  _ Alien. _ ” Ben couldn’t help but smile as Rey burst out laughing and then covered her mouth to muffle herself. Maybe… Maybe he could talk about them if it made her laugh. “And Han was Deckard…. From  _ Blade Runner _ .”

Rey got control of her laughter and shrugged. “I’ve never seen it. Either of them.”

“Don’t tell Han that. He’ll make you watch his entire collection of original copies.” Ben gave a little smile at that thought. 

“It’s strange to think of them as people outside of school. Not a principal or a teacher. But people.”

Ben flinched. “Yeah.”

Rey shifted so that she could look up at him. Ben’s heart raced at the thought of what happened in the car. How he’d barely been able to stop himself at the thought that he wanted her and she wanted him just as much back. It was all adrenaline and hormones. 

Rey’s lips met his and this was different. Soft and slow and tender. She tasted of bittersweet chocolate. They had all the time in the world and nothing else mattered to him in the moment. Ben let his sketch pad fall to the floor. Rey crawled on top of him growing more and more frantic. Ben pulled away as a sob escaped her lips. Rey pressed her face into his chest as her body shook with silent tears. 

Ben stares at her, unsure of what to do or what to say. He tentatively ran his fingers through her hair and when she didn’t pull away, he kept doing it. “It’s okay. It’s okay. I’ve got you. Nothing will hurt you here. Okay? I meant what I said on the roof. I’m not going anywhere. As long as you want me I’ll be there. I know I pushed you away but it was only because I didn’t want to hurt anyone. I always push people away. It’s been better to just be on my own. Anyone who gets too close gets caught in the crossfire. Like Lily… like tonight. I shouldn’t have let you wander off alone. I didn’t want Fett to get his hands on you. And if he had kept talking like that, I think I would have killed him. But it happened anyway. And it’s my fault. It’s my fault.”

The words pour out of him and he knows it’s just a bucket of pain and guilt compared to the ocean he’s always had inside. Rey has stilled under his fingertips. Did he go too far? Was it too soon to talk about everything that had happened that night? 

“It’s not your fault, Ben. You didn’t let anything happen. There’s nothing you could have done to stop what happened.” Rey looked up at him with sad, red eyes. Ben wanted to believe her. Rey ran her fingers through his hair and he closed his eyes at her touch. 

“Be with me?” The words escape his mouth before he can think them through completely.

Rey pulls her hand away and he instantly craves her touch again. Ben opens his eyes and hers are staring right back at him. “Like… your girlfriend?”

Ben’s heart raced. He really didn’t care what label they put on it as long as it met she would be with him. “Yeah.”

Rey thought hard for a moment, studying his face. She leaned forward and kissed him gently. Her lips whispered against his, “Yes.”

She fell asleep curled up in the crook of his arm, her head and hand on his chest. Ben traced his fingers over her back long after he was sure she had fallen asleep. Soon, the grey of dawn began to seep in through the curtains and Ben fell asleep to the sound of indie music and Rey’s steady breaths.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drop a comment if you understood the Blade Runner Reference :P 
> 
> (Harrison Ford played Decker in Blade Runner lol)
> 
> And of course Leia would have cosplayed Lt. Ripley!


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “But, don't hold me, 'cause I am falling back down  
> And I wouldn't wanna see you  
> Hit the ground  
> Little darling, you found my heart in the lost and found  
> But the scars they still follow me around  
> And the dark surrounds your heart and you're in free fall  
> Oh you must let go of me  
> 'Cause if you keep me you will lose it all  
> So darling don't please, please”
> 
> \- Don’t Hold Me, Dean Lewis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mentions of abuse and self harm
> 
> Ben has anger issues when it comes to Snoke, but can we blame him?

It was almost like a dream. Waking up in warm sheets that smelled like him. The morning sun fills the room with a glow, and I slowly realize that I had slept in for the first time in a long time. No nightmares. Just deep, safe sleep. 

I sigh and stretch and turn over to see if Ben was still asleep. I am greeted with an empty stretch of bed. My heart rate spikes and I shoot up as the door opens. To my relief, it was Ben slipping back in with a plate and a glass of orange juice in his hands. He gives a little smile at the sight of me. 

“You scared me.” I let out a breath and Ben frowns. 

“I didn’t mean to… I was hoping you would still be asleep. I made you some food.” Ben offers up the plate looking a little… Nervous? Was that it? I smile and take the plate and glass from him. My stomach rumbles and I have that ‘haven’t eaten for too long’ nausea. The toast is a little burnt, but I dig in anyway. I’m not a picky eater, I couldn’t really afford to be for most of my life. It’s still delicious and I let out a little moan of satisfaction. 

Ben just stands, watching me but very obviously trying not to. I pat the bed beside me and he finally sits down. It’s sort of sweet and cute how nervous and hesitant he is still despite me wanting to rip off his clothes last night. 

Last night. 

Last night. 

Right. 

That’s not something that can be ignored and Ben… Ben didn’t even know half of it. I could tell he wanted to know just by the look in his eyes, but he wasn’t pressing me for it. A wave of gratitude washes over me and I have to bite my lip to keep from crying. Gods, I have been doing that a lot lately. 

“Are you… Okay?” Ben asks. Usually I hate that question. No one really ever wants to know. But, coming from Ben it’s different. 

“Yeah.” I finish my last bite of toast and hand the plate back to him. Ben puts it on the floor. “There’s a lot to process.”

“We don’t have to talk about it.” Ben says. He reaches out for me, but he stops himself. Like he couldn’t touch me- not like he didn’t want to. I want him too. I reach out and take his hand in mine. 

“Thank you… For coming for me. For driving me back.” I run my fingers over his fingers avoiding the raw skin of his knuckles. “How did you find me? In the library?”

Ben stiffens. “I don’t know. I can’t explain it.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s like… I was in the right place at the right time, but that’s not it. It felt like more than luck or coincidence. Like I somehow knew where you were and that you were in danger.” He stares down at my hand in his. There was so much disbelief and confusion in his eyes. 

“I want this. I want you.” I hold my breath watching his reaction. Did he want the same? Last night, he said he did. But that was last night. We were high on adrenaline and terrified. 

“You do?” He glances up at me with those big, beautiful brown eyes. I nod and his face drops. “You deserve someone better. So much better than me.”

“I don’t think that someone exists. I’ve… I’ve never met anyone like you.” I admit softly. “Besides, I think you’re stuck with me.”

“What makes you say that?”

“I… Think I’m involved in this, too.” I didn’t want to remember everything that happened last night, but I had to. What would Ben think? It was already hard enough to get him to let me tag along, and if what Bobby said was true, Ben might cut me out completely. “After Bobby showed up in the kitchen, I went and wandered around. And I came to a long hallway kind of away from the party. It felt like I shouldn’t be there, so I was about to leave when I heard someone say something about Snoke. They were talking about the night of the dance and how the plan got called off. They were setting a date for a new deal. End of November.”

Ben had grown increasingly more tense. “Did they see you?”

“Sort of. I was outside of the room, and I didn’t have enough time to leave before they got to the door, so I pretended to be drunk. And I guess they bought it, because well, I’m still here.” I shrug. 

“What did they look like?”

“One had really expensive shoes. Red hair. Really pale and skinny and miserable looking. The other was really big and tall and hairy and strangely nice. He told me to drink water.” 

“Hux.” Ben goes pale.

“Hux? The skinny redhead?” 

Ben nods. His hand grips tightly around mine. “He’s Snoke’s fixer. Anything that goes wrong, it’s Hux’s job to clean it up, make it right, cover all the tracks. Rey, he is an incredibly dangerous man. If you ever see him again, run. Okay? That man has murdered people and he will not hesitate to do it again.”

“And the other man?”

“I’m not sure. Maybe he works for whoever Snoke is trying to make a deal with.” Ben sighs as I bring his hand to my lips. 

I should tell him. I know that I should tell him everything Bobby said. Instead what comes out of my mouth is only half the story. “There's more. In the Library-”

Ben becomes unnervingly still. 

“Bobby knows who you are. To Snoke. He told me that Snoke sent him to watch you. He said… He told me... Snoke didn’t like other people touching his boys.”

Something inside of Ben snaps. He’s shaking and not looking at me and there’s that same look in his eye as that night when I crawled through his window to a destroyed room, but this is deeper. I reach out for him and he flinches, pulling away. 

When he speaks, his voice is so sterile and calm it sends an ugly, painful shiver down my spine. “Rey, I need you to leave, please.”

I open my mouth to protest, but I am stopped by the pained, haunted, ashamed look on his face. My heart shatters and I wonder if I can pick up enough pieces. I knew, instinctively, what was going to happen and why. And Ben did not want me to see. Ben didn’t look at me as I gathered my things. I don’t know what to do with my bloodied clothes, but I pick them up anyway. I make my way to the window and open it. Ice cold air rushes in.

I turn to him and he hasn’t moved. His hands shake and he won’t look at me. I want to kiss him, but I know I can’t. “I’m here, Ben. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Rey, please.” He finally looks up at me and he’s begging. 

I slip through the window and into the morning air. I’m barely over the fence when a crash and a scream break the mid-morning quiet. It takes everything I have to not turn around and run back to him. I couldn’t help him, not this time.

Tears came down my cheek in quiet streams and I barely made it back to my room before they began in earnest. I’m terrified at the thought that I can’t help him and more terrified that I still want to. That I’m not going anywhere. That I don’t want to go anywhere. That the thought of losing him felt like ripping my own heart out. 

What scares me the most was the feeling that we were inexplicably linked. And that this was only the beginning.

I stay in the garden in the freezing cold until the noise fades. Quiet rushes back over the neighborhood and I take a deep breath. He was okay. I didn’t know how I knew he was, I just did. 

The house was quiet. Maz had already left for the day, and I was grateful to not have to explain why I was wearing a shirt and pants three sizes too big for me, Rose, or her mom. Or why my other clothes were covered in blood. Or any of it at all. 

I go up to my room and pull off the pants and t-shirt.  _ Did they? _ I hold the shirt to my face and breathe in. The ratty old shirt smells like Ben. I should give it back… But I knew I wasn’t going to. At least not while it still smelled like him. Maybe I could get my hands on one of Ben’s hoodies that he was always wearing.  _ Huh. So, that’s why girls steal their boyfriends clothes. _

Boyfriend. 

I can’t wipe the smile off my face. Yeah, it was kind of a cheesy title. Yeah, it didn’t really feel like it fit or explain anything truly, but I would take it. It meant… It meant that someone wanted me. That I wasn’t just a foster. Or an orphan. Or trash girl. The girl no one wanted. Someone wanted me.

My phone dings with a message from Rose.

_ /Coffee. Be there in 5/ _

Okay, I guess I was getting coffee with Rose. I changed quickly and hid the pajamas and bloody clothes in the back of my drawers. 

I want to tell her everything so badly. But, I wasn’t just protecting myself. I had to protect Poe and Ben, too. I sigh and sit on the front steps of the porch waiting for Rose to drive up. 

Maybe I could tell her… Just not everything. Fudge the details a little bit. How did I get so messed up in all of this? I just wanted a friend. Just Rose. But with Rose came Finn and Poe. Poe’s sister. And then Poe’s secret. And then all of Ben’s secrets. They were all mine to protect now. 

And after last night, I had one more. That Snoke knew who I was, and so did Bobby. Even more so, Bobby made it sound like Snoke wanted something from me. And that meant they knew who my parents were. That my parents must have been someone important. Why else would they care about a foster kid from Jakku?

The implications of it all were getting to be a little too much, but my thoughts were luckily interrupted by a car horn. Rose waves from the driver’s seat and I run down to meet her. 

Maybe there was a way I could tell her without really telling her. 

  
“I met someone. A guy.”

Rose gave an excited gasp as she sat down with her caramel mocha heart attack. “What? Who? Do I know him? Is he cute?”

Maybe this wasn’t a good idea. 

“Ah. He goes to another school. He’s cute- Well, I think he’s cute. And well… He doesn’t exactly want anyone to know.” 

Rose’s face fell. “Doesn’t want anyone to know?”

This was a bad, bad idea. 

“Yeah… there’s a lot of people who don’t like him and he’s trying to protect me I think. But he’s really sweet.”

“So you can’t tell me anything? Even if I won’t tell anyone?” 

I shake my head slowly.  _ Fuck fuck fuck. _ I shouldn’t have said anything. 

“That’s not good, Rey. Seriously, I don’t care who this guy is. He’s not good news.” It was scary seeing Rose pissed. Several people were now looking at us curiously. Rose grips her drink so hard I was worried it would explode. 

“I know. I just- there’s something about him.” Even coming out of my mouth it was lame. “He makes me feel safe. Makes the nightmares go away.”

Outside of group, Rose was the only other person I told about the details of my dreams. I hope that fact would make her a little bit more accepting of the whole situation.

“You’ve slept with him already?” Rose’s lid pops off her drink. I feel several eyes turn to look at us. Luckily, it was no one I knew. 

“No, I haven’t slept with him, slept with him.” I hiss and take her drink from her before she spills it everywhere. “I’ve just stayed over and cuddled.”

“Does Maz know?” Rose looks at me like I was crazy. Maybe I was. 

“No.” 

Rose gives a breathy laugh of disbelief. “I can’t believe you, Rey. Risking it all for a guy? Like, come on. I thought you were better than that.”

I couldn’t meet her eyes. She was right, as usual. Telling her had only made the hot shame and guilt burn like flames against my skin. Tears prickle my eyes and I blink to fight them back. “I didn’t mean for it to go this way.”

“Seriously, Rey. Who is this guy? Tell me. Tell me who would have you sneaking out and sleeping with them and making you not tell anyone.”

“I can’t. I can’t. You’ll tell Finn and then he’ll tell Poe. And they can’t know, Rose.” I stubbornly wiped away a tear. 

“It’s Ben, it’s it.” Rose’s voice was soft.

“No.”

“You’re a terrible liar, Rey. And he’s the only possible explanation. Unless you’re dating a teacher. And, frankly, I’m not sure which would be worse.”

I stared hard at my cup of coffee. I didn’t want to look up at her and see the disappointment on her face. I was only just barely holding back tears. I should have just not said anything. Kept it all bottled up until it all came crashing down. 

“He’s a drug dealer and he killed Lily, Rey.”

“He didn’t. He told me he was trying to save her. He feels so guilty, Rose. He didn’t want me to tell anyone because neither of us wanted to hurt Poe or Finn or you.” I finally have the guts to look up at Rose and she is staring back at me. I can’t handle the anger and hurt in her eyes, so I look away again. “Are you going to tell Poe and Finn?”

“No. I’m not going to tell anyone. I think I’ll let you break their hearts yourself.” Rose grabbed her cup and stormed out of the coffee shop. A moment later, her car took off down the street.

It is well past midnight when I slip out the back door and make my way over the garden fence. Ben’s light was still on. I open the window and climb inside. The pictures had all come off the walls again. And there was a new hole in the drywall. A few new holes, actually. Ben laid on his bed in a deep sleep. 

I quietly turn out all the lights and climb into bed behind him. I wrap my arm around his waist and pull myself closer to him. A deep sigh fell from Ben’s lips at my touch. I bury my face between his shoulder blades and breathe in his warm scent. I couldn’t sleep without him. I didn’t want to. 

_ You’re an idiot. A stupid, naive girl. Of course Rose would figure it out. Of course Rose would be pissed.  _ She just doesn’t understand.  _ That’s a horrible excuse.  _

I knew, of course, that Rose was right. Everything about this thing between me and Ben was dangerous. Everything about it could tear the little bit of life I had here apart. But I couldn’t let it go. No matter how much I wanted to. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! I just wanted to let you know that I am going away this weekend for a little time away from technology and everything. I’ll be posting one more chapter (Chapter 15) on Thursday night/Friday! After that, Chapter 16 will probably be up next Wednesday, May 20th! I’m hoping a little break out in the woods in the middle of nowhere will be the creative nudge I need. Thanks for continuing to support this work! I love you all so much <3


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It's tough to stay objective, baby  
> With your tongue abseiling down my neck  
> It's a bulletproof offer I can't accept  
> It's tough to maintain focus, baby  
> Now all my elephants are in the room  
> We crave the fiction when we need the truth”
> 
> -Emoticons, The Wombats

I woke in the early morning hours to fingers running through my hair. Sometime in the night, Ben had rolled onto his back and tucked me into the crook of his arm. I raise my head, but his shirt sticks to me, sticky with drool.

“Shit.” I wipe at my face and Ben laughs softly. “Sorry.”

“You’re cute when you drool.” Ben tilts my chin up to him and kissed me gently. I could get used to this. A sigh escapes my lips and I pull away to rest my chin on his chest and look up at him. 

“Are you okay?”

Ben’s eyes darken with the memory of yesterday. He looks away from me and closes his eyes. “I’m sorry. I’ve never been good at controlling my temper. I would never hurt you, Rey. Ever. Please, please know that.”

“I know.” I trace my fingers over his chest and turn him so that he was looking at me again. “I know, Ben. Besides, if you ever did, I would kick your ass right back.”

“Judging from the state of Bobby, I don’t doubt you.”

“Yeah.” Right. Bobby. Everything had happened so quickly the last few days. First, Ben. Then the party. Now Rose. Rose. And school today. Monday. I groan and hide my face in his armpit, which smells like him and deodorant. And it probably should have made my nose wrinkle, but I liked it. I liked the smell of him. 

“What is it, Rey?” Ben ran his fingers through my hair. 

“Everything.” I mumble, my voice muffled against his arm. “I don’t want to go to school today. I don’t want to face Rose and Finn and Poe. I just want to stay here with you.”

And process everything. And not have to deal with Rose who likely was not going to be talking to me. 

“Rey…”

“I know. Back to reality.” I sat up and turned away from him. I should tell him. He deserves to know. And if Rose decided to fight him, he deserves to know why. “Rose and I had a fight yesterday. She knows. About us.”

I felt Ben still behind me and waited for the yelling, for the anger. But it didn’t come. Instead, I felt a warm, comforting hand on my back. “Are you okay? What happened?”

“You’re not mad?”

“No, of course I’m not mad… I shouldn’t have asked you to keep it a secret. I was just trying to protect everyone I could.” Ben sighed. 

“I think you were right to.” I chew my lower lip as anxiety burns a fire in my chest. “She’s upset with me. Thinks I’m being an idiot. And maybe I am. She doesn’t even know half of it. The party and Bobby and Snoke and how I’m-”

I stop myself and Ben’s hand pauses the slow circles against my back. “It’s okay if you’re not ready to talk about it. I’ve been thinking… I’m going to talk to Luke and get moved to another group. You need somewhere to go, someone to talk to. That’s outside of me and Rose and Finn and Poe. And my uncle is a good therapist, even if he pisses me off half the time.”

“Wait. Luke is your uncle?” I look back at him to see if he’s serious and Ben laughs. 

“Yeah. He’s the one who shipped me off to rehab over the summer, after Lily and Snoke.”

“Rehab?” There was so much I didn’t know about Ben, but there was a lot he didn’t know about me either. I glanced out the window at the brightening day. Maz would be getting up any moment now. “Can I come over tonight again? And you can tell me about it.”

“The window doesn’t have a lock, so I can’t stop you.” Ben grins and it took all of my power not to jump on top of him and kiss him. But if I did that, I wouldn’t be able to make myself leave for another hour or day or week. 

Nothing could have prepared me for the wrath of Rose. It was a quiet anger, bordering on disappointment, that left the lunch table eerily quiet. I almost wished she would just yell or make a scene instead of calmly eating her lunch with that steely look in her eye daring me to explain. 

Finn and Poe pass worried glances to each other, but neither dared to break the silence. I could feel the tension growing in the air. 

I never wanted this to happen. I never planned for any of this. I’ll be the first to admit that yes, I stuck my nose where it didn’t belong. And yes, everything Poe and Rose told me should have kept me far away from Ben in the first place. But it didn’t. And now Rose was mad because of me. And everything would come out eventually and I would lose Poe and Finn too.

“So you really aren’t going to say anything, Rey?” Rose set her silverware down and raised her eyebrows. 

Here? Now? In the middle of the school during lunch? “Rose, I-”

“Tell us what?” Poe and Finn looked between Rose and I, curious and relieved that Rose had finally said something. I looked helplessly between them and Rose. I couldn’t. 

“I-”

Rose laughed miserably, grabbed her tray, and stormed away. I couldn’t take Poe and Finn’s confusion, not when I knew exactly how they would look if they knew. So I grabbed my tray and made my way to art. 

Ben wasn’t there when I walked in, but even if he had been, I’m not sure he would have made it better. I put in my headphones and tried to block out the thoughts in my head, the ones that would have me run and hide and pull away from everything before I could get hurt. 

It was too easy to do. Too easy to just put up the walls again that had slowly come apart during my time here. I had allowed myself to forget that it was all temporary. That it could all fall apart so easily. My feet itched to get away from it all, to run and hide from all the things I could feel were coming. What Bobby had told me in the library bothered me far more than it should. I think because I knew it was true, somehow. Plutt had worked for or worked with Snoke in some capacity. And being fostered by him was no mere coincidence. They knew who I was. Who my parents were. And I was important somehow. For some reason. None of it made sense. It was too hard to think about, too painful to even fathom all the lies. 

“Rey?” I jump at the hand on my shoulder and turn to see Ben standing beside me. His face was soft with concern. “Class is over.”

I looked around the room. I hadn’t even noticed anyone come in or Mrs. Tico even saying anything. “What? How? I didn’t even… No one came in. Did they?”

“They did. Mrs. Tico saw you and told us to not bother you as we came in. Are you okay?” 

“Yeah. Yeah. It’s just been a rough couple of weeks, you know.” My voice chokes at the end and suddenly I’m trying to hold back tears again. I reach for him and he takes me in his arms. “I’m sorry. I’m not usually like this.”

“I don’t care, Rey.” Ben murmurs into my hair. “You don’t have to pretend to be fine or happy for me.”

“Rose hates me. And Finn and Poe have no idea what’s going on, but when they find out, they’re going to hate me too. And I’ve been lying so much to Maz, but she’s been nothing but kind and amazing and understanding and caring to me. She trusts me and I-I’ve broken that trust so many times.”

“I never meant to put you in this position, Rey. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for everything.” Ben’s arms tighten around me. I can’t tell if he’s angry or mad or sad, but his voice is strained and choppy. His chest shakes against me. “I’ll leave. Say the word and I will leave and you can forget about me and tell Rose and Finn and Poe and Maz whatever you need to.”

My heart seizes at his words and I dig my fingertips into his back. “No. I don’t want you to leave. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to just forget about you. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix everything without running away from it.”

I take a deep breath and sigh. Ben lets go of me slowly and watches as I wipe away the few tears that fell. I turn back to my drawing that I had been working on. Though I couldn’t remember ever actually drawing it- too lost in my own thoughts. The paper was dark with charcoal, but I could make out a throne. A figure sat on it, dark and forbidden. He looked human enough, but deformed and scared. An immense feeling of dread filled my chest and I quickly closed my sketch book, hoping Ben didn’t get a good look at it. I hadn’t told Ben about my nightmares or his uncanny ability to make them go away. 

“We should probably go. Our chariot awaits.” I crack a smile that doesn’t fully feel truthful, but Ben smiles back anyway. 

When we walk into the shop five minutes late, Mr. Solo doesn’t seem to care or at least pretends not to notice. I glance at Ben, but he doesn’t give anything away. We step up our station and get ready to start cutting the pieces of metal pipe that we will eventually weld together to form the chassis of our kart. We quietly mark our cuts and double check them. I triple check our measurements as we wait for one of the school’s two metal chop saws. It’s slow going since each piece takes quite a bit of time for the saw to cut through. 

While we wait, Ben and I start in on our engine block. Mr. Solo has given us each a basic engine that we were to disassemble, reassemble, and modify as we please, quote ‘So long as it doesn’t blow up in my face.’ With the saws running and everyone else working on disassembly, there’s finally enough noise in the shop that I can talk to Ben without being overheard. 

“Does he know?” I glance at Mr. Solo, but Ben doesn’t notice my look. He’s too busy looking over the engine between us. There’s a little bit of grease on his nose that makes my heart stutter. 

“Does who know what?” Ben glances up and I hand him a socket wrench. Disassembling an engine was the easy part. Things always came apart easier than they were put back together. That was, of course, the story of my life. 

“Your dad. About us.” I glance at Mr. Solo again. He was on the other side of the room with an exasperated look on his face as some senior wearing a letterman jacket asked him a question.

When I look back at Ben, his features had hardened a little. “My father and I don’t have the best relationship. Communication doesn’t come naturally to either of us.”

“You communicate well with me.” I gave him a little smile and the corner of his mouth twitched up. 

“Yeah, well. You’re different.”

“Cause I’m a girl?” I tease. 

“No. Because you listen. And understand.” I glance up at Ben’s completely serious eyes and a blush creeps into my cheeks. I drop my focus back to removing the spark plug. 

“I may listen, but I rarely do as I’m told.”

“Maybe that’s what I like about you.” Ben’s voice is low. There’s a huskiness to it that sends electric shivers down my spine and makes my whole body heat up. 

Gods, help me. I’m turned on in shop class. I dare to raise my eyes to meet his and there’s a smirk on his lips. I can’t stop myself from inhaling sharply and Ben chuckles. I shake my head and try to keep myself from smiling. “Fuck you.”

“Maybe later.”

Oh, gods. I’m in trouble. 

Our hands brush as we dismantle the engine piece by piece. There’s the part of me that’s watching as we do so. We work flawlessly as a team, talking steps through even though this is easy for the boy who grew up with a shop teacher and the girl who stripped cars in a junkyard for six years. We have the engine taken apart before anyone in the class does. And we set to work cleaning each piece and re-greasing anything that moves. My hands are filthy by the end of the class and so is Ben. More black, greasy marks had joined the first one on his face and I couldn’t bring myself to tell him. He would wipe them away. 

It was almost embarrassing how much I loved to watch him work with his hands. They were twice the size of my own, but just as careful and deft. He had his sleeves rolled up past his elbows and gods what I wouldn’t give-

“You’re staring.” Ben didn’t even look up from the metal housing he was working on. 

“Am not.” I blush and look away. Ben chuckles. I shake my head at the man before me. Gone is the reserved, sad and lonely boy I first met. In his place is a slightly cocky, very confident man. Where did he come from? Ben Solo, it seems, is full of surprises. And those surprises make my heart race. 

I had never felt anything like this before. I had never been so completely captivated, so understood, so… well, turned on, for lack of a better word. 

It had definitely occurred to me that one day Ben and I might. Well. We might ‘take it to the next level’. I groan at my own thoughts and Ben glances up at me with half a smirk on his face. “Shut up.”

“I didn’t say anything.” Ben mumbles, still smirking. 

“You don’t have to say anything to still be an ass.” I roll my eyes and try to focus on cleaning. I can’t stop smiling, even when the giant pool of anxiety starts sloshing around in my stomach again. 

That same anxiety follows me home and makes my hands shake as I do dishes and take out the trash and try to focus on my homework. Everything has started to move to end of the year semester projects. Thanksgiving is only a few weeks away and then after that, there’s only two more weeks left of school. 

Maz goes to bed as I start on my College Comp essay. I work on it for a few minutes, but give up. It’s too hard to concentrate. 

Did he know I’d never had sex before? Had he had sex before? Oh gods, what if it was horrible? Was that a deal breaker? My stomach turned. 

I didn’t have to do it tonight. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want to. I knew that. 

But what if I wanted to?

What if it was good? 

Beyond good?

Amazing? 

What if? 

Oh gods. 

I slam my computer shut and run up to my bathroom and jump in the shower. I set the shower to steaming hot and soak until the anxiety is burned away. 

The healthy, adult thing to do would be to just talk to him about it. But, everything was so new and intense between us. I just wanted to live there for a little longer. 

I resist the urge to shave again. And to put on makeup. And to put on anything but my normal pajamas and a giant sweater. I wait until midnight to make sure Maz is really asleep and then I slip out of the house, across the yard, over the fence, and up the trellis. 

Before I could think, the window flies open and strong hands pull me gently inside and just like that I am in his warm hands, soaking in his scent, and absolutely ensnared in his presence. His touch makes me forget everything I had just been worried about. I only want one thing. I only need one thing. To be closer to him. As close as I could be. 

I push against him and we fall back on his bed. Ben lands with an oof and I climb on top on him and pin his hands above his head. He could easily get away from me, but there’s surprise and interest and need in his eyes. He stares up at me with those dark eyes and swollen lips. I tear off my sweatshirt and lean over to kiss him slowly. I want to taste all of him and kiss every inch. I kiss gently along his jaw and down his neck to his traps. I could feel him getting hard beneath me, his breath coming in short, sporadic hitches with every touch. I wonder… I bite his neck gently and he groans. 

In a split second I’m on my back and he’s above me and our roles have been reversed. He’s panting and I can see some sort of internal battle going on inside of him. I remember my decision in the shower as I thread my fingers through his lovely dark hair. I pull him down for a slow and inviting kiss and Ben sighs against me. 

We stay like that for a long time and I relish in the pressure of his weight on top of me, the sweet, searching taste of his tongue against mine. There’s no pressure and it’s so relaxing that I nearly fall asleep due to pure bliss. 

“You don’t know what you do to me, Rey.” Ben breaks away and rests his forehead against my own. “Every second I’m with you I just want to touch you and hold you close. My world brightens when you walk in the room. I don’t want to rush this. I don’t want to rush us. It’s just that...”

Ben shakes his head as if he can’t explain how he’s feeling. I’m not sure what to say. The gravity and sincerity of his words are too much for my heart to bear, so I let them hang unanswered in the air. I close my eyes and run my fingers through his hair. His wide shoulders relax above me and his breathing deepens with every touch. The only thing I can think to say to move out of this moment is, “I feel it too, Ben.” 

Not now. Someday. Someday we would cross that bridge and burn it. But once we did, I knew there was no coming back. We needed time to explore this shore. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this is enough to tide you through until my return! Don’t worry, they’ll burn that bridge eventually. If you want more to read, check out my profile for more Reylo that I’ve written and also bookmarks of my favorite Reylos that I’ve been reading!
> 
> Also, wherever you think this plot is going, you're probably wrong because, truthfully, even I have no idea where it is headed. Every time I think I find a destination, it spins off in a million different directions. I supposed they don't call It a space opera for no reason. It's like my mind went 'what if there are no rules'. What if the story of Rey and Ben just reverberates in the cracks of space-time and plays out across the universes echoing into infinity?
> 
> So that's where my mind is at right now. Prepare yourself.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What the hell did I do?  
> Never been the type to  
> Let someone see right through  
> Oh-oh-oh  
> Maybe won't you take it back  
> Say you were tryna make me laugh  
> And nothing has to change today  
> You didn't mean to say "I love you"  
> I love you and I don't want to”
> 
> -i love you, Billie Eilish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Therapy, Mentions of Assault from Previous Chapters, Dream Torture

For the first time in a very long time, I’m beyond happy. There’s a buzzing in my chest and an excitement in my gut that has me racing for school every morning and racing home every night. It’s tinged with fear and dampened only by Rose’s presence. But even then, I can’t stop myself from grinning. Poe and Finn are thoroughly confused and lunches are still quiet. But I try to not let everything get to me. I know that I’m just pushing away the bad, setting it aside in a corner. Sooner or later I would have to deal with the fallout. But was it wrong to just want one good week? Was it wrong to live in a rare happiness even if it was for only a moment?

It was incredible how quickly we fell into a routine. How coming over and staying from midnight to the early hours of the morning felt so natural. We’d sit and talk sometimes and not sit and not talk or lay and listen to music. We were both in our own little world for just a minute. One where Snoke didn’t exist and Rose and Poe and Finn understood, and the threat of getting caught didn’t exist. 

Like all good things, it must come to an end. 

And like all good endings, it had to hurt a little, too. 

The ending began with therapy Thursday evening. Ben had requested to move to another group, as he said he would. So now it was down to just a few of us. Arashell sat next to me on the couch and fiddled with the corner of a throw pillow she had in her lap. It was funny how much I felt the lack of Ben’s presence, even though I had never heard him say more than his introductions to the group. 

We go around the circle saying our names and how we’re feeling. The name part is a little pointless since we all know each other but we say them anyway. 

“Rey.” I pause. How was I? Really? It hadn’t even been a week since the party. I had been attacked and I had attempted, truly, to bite off a man’s finger. I had kicked him so hard for so long that for a while, I wasn’t sure if he was alive or not. And I hadn’t felt guilty about it. I still didn’t. But how do you tell your therapy group that you nearly killed a man? How do you tell them it was not because he attacked you, but because he had exposed your life as a lie, a facade? And you’re still not sure what any of it means. 

And yet, despite that and despite the fact that your best friend was still incredibly mad at you, you’d just had one of the best weeks of your life. 

How does one reconcile all that?

“I’m fine,” I say. And I was. I was still here. Still breathing. 

“Are you?” Luke looks at me with those blue eyes and maybe it’s a Skywalker/Solo thing, but what comes out of my mouth next is the truth. 

“No.” Before anyone can interrupt or ask, the words are coming out of my mouth faster than I could contain them. I focus instead on self-editing as my subconscious spews my rambling and, at times, contradicting thoughts. After all, I still know there are rules. I still know that Luke will be required to submit a report to CPS if he suspects I’m a danger to myself or others. 

I leave Ben’s name out of it, but I tell them of the party and how guilty I feel about lying to Maz and how I understand why Rose is mad, but I’m mad too because she doesn’t understand me. And I’m so scared of losing everything. And it all just feels like it could vanish in a second if I squeeze or loosen my grip too much. 

But a weight has been lifted by the end of it all. I feel as though I can breathe again, just a little bit better. Ben had been right to change groups, and I was so incredibly thankful for it. 

“I know what he looks like from the outside. I know what people see. But I also know what I see and what I feel. I’m so happy and I’ve never wanted anything more than I have when I’m with him. Is it crazy? To only just have met and feel this way about someone?”

The room goes quiet and I look up at Luke, searching for answers. There’s a little smile on his face and he shakes his head. “No, I don’t think so. I think… That sometimes the universe sends us gifts. The packaging may look a little scary or tough, but it’s what’s on the inside that matters. Trust yourself, Rey. We all have to live with the consequences of our actions. You just have to ask yourself if the consequences are worth it. Is the consequence of tearing away the scary packaging worth whatever is inside?”

I meet Maz in the parking lot outside, but I send her home without me. The wind has died down and it’s an unusually warm day for November, so all I want to do is move and walk. Home isn’t that far, less than a mile. I stop by the coffee shop and grab a hot chocolate and start off towards home. 

There’s still a little bit of sunlight left and it crashes against the clouds in brilliant purples, pinks, and oranges. I take a bit of a longer route and pass in front of Ben’s house. It’s strange seeing it from this angle. There’s a bunch of lights on in the window and inside I can see Principal Organa and Mr. Solo together in the kitchen. They seem to be arguing as they cook dinner, but there’s a lightheartedness to it. 

I watch for only a second, but a second is long enough. I want to be in there with them. I want to be curled up next to Ben watching one of his dad’s cheesy sci-fi movies while his parents make dinner and squabble in the kitchen. I want it so badly that I can almost see it. 

The family I never had. 

The family I wanted. 

The dream faded almost as quickly as it had begun. There was no way that it could happen right now. After all, no one could know about me and Ben. And Mr. Solo and Principal Organa would hate me. Maz would find out somehow about me sneaking out to see Ben. I would be sent away. Back to Jakku maybe. Or maybe somewhere else even further away. 

Nothing hurt more than that. I felt as though my heart had been stabbed and ripped out through my chest at the sight of what would never be. I had gotten attached. I had seen the stark reality of the packaging and I didn’t know what to do. 

Was it worth it?

Was it?

I wasn’t so sure anymore.

The cold suddenly feels much more bitter. The wind picks up until it howls through the trees and rips the remaining leaves from their branches. The last of the sunset fades quietly into darkness. 

I make my way around the block quickly and hurry through the front door. A cloud of warm air settles over me after I shut the door. The howling wind makes the whole house shudder and creak. I let out a sigh and take off my coat and scarf and hat. 

“There you are.” Maz appears at the doorway to the kitchen. “I was beginning to worry.”

I cross the room and take a very surprised Maz in my arms, burying my face in her shoulder and trying to not cry again. She pats my back for a moment before stepping away and giving me a good look over. 

Maz was the closest I’d ever had to a mother. I look down at the tiny woman before me and the guilt I feel is threatening to eat me alive. I know she can tell that somethings wrong because she’s looking at me funny with those enormous magnified eyes of hers. She doesn’t ask. She only says, “Good time at therapy then?”

I’m not sure how one would describe my night of therapy, but good wasn’t one of them. Devastating maybe. I didn’t want to think about everything again. I didn’t want to have to deal with the emotional fallout. I wanted to do what I had always done for years and years, so much so that it came naturally. Repress. Survive. Repress. Build walls that grew back stronger if they fell. Ignore the pain. _ There’s no time to process your pain. It’s not safe. You’re not safe.  _

_ You weren’t safe _ . 

But I am now. Relative safety. Warmth. A safe roof over my head and a lock on the door. No threats of violence. No locked fridges. No babies to care for while stepping over drunken foster parents. Trust and personal autonomy. A life on the other side of it all. 

I was sure the glass around me would shatter with the slightest hint of deception. I was sure that I had gone beyond the point of no return. That’s the thing about deception, isn’t it? It only grows. 

My head hits my pillow and I fall asleep instantly.

Pain invades my mind like a thousand searching daggers. It’s as if my memories are being ripped from me against my will and I struggle to hold onto them. 

The pain subsides and I open my eyes to the masked man. 

“Tell me where they are.” The voice is over-modulated, electronic. 

“Where who is?” I try to move my arms and find I can’t. My whole body is immobilized, strapped down. 

“Don't play coy with me, Scavenger.” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Do you commonly kidnap women from the forest? The least you could do would be to take off your damn mask.” I snap and pull against the restraints.

The masked man does nothing. He seems to be staring at me. After a moment, his hands lift to the sides of his helmet. There’s a hiss as the front of the mask detaches. He pushes the helmet off his head and I finally see the face beneath. 

I can’t breathe because I know those eyes. I know that face. It’s a bit older. A bit angrier. But I know it all the same. 

“Ben?”

Anger turns to fury. “How do you know that name? Did Skywalker tell you?”

“Our therapist? What do you mean? Everyone knows your name. What else would it be?” 

Ben holds out his hand as a fire blazes in his eyes. He no longer looks like Ben, but something darker. “If you will not tell me willingly, I will take it from you.”

Pain unlike any other courses through my body. I’m screaming again as memory after memory is ripped away. The memories turn to darkness and I am floating in the cosmos.

I awake gasping in my own bedroom. It’s not even three in the morning according to my phone. The cracked screen shows one message from Ben and my heart sinks. 

_ -Are you okay?  _

_ -Yeah. Just tired from therapy. Fell asleep as soon as I got home.  _

_ -Did it go well? _

_ -As well as therapy can go… IDK. He brought up a lot of things I guess _

_ -We can talk about it, if you want.  _

_ -Not tonight. _

Sleep was beginning to claim me again as I waited for his reply. The typing bubble popped up, disappeared, popped up, and disappeared again. I wonder what he was trying to say. I knew he was less than a hundred yards from me, but he felt so far away. Though my mind wanted to run across the yard and climb through the window, my body protested. 

_ -I was going to ask you tonight if you wanted to go on a date tomorrow night. _

Well, that was one way to wake me up. 

- _ Where to? Maz probably wouldn’t let me leave town for a date. _

It wasn’t like we could just waltz into the Republic Movie Theater hand in hand on a Friday night. Not without everyone in town knows. 

- _ I’ll set it up, don’t worry about it. Just come to the theater at 8.  _

_ -Well then. I guess it’s a date.  _

_ -I figured I should take you on at least one.  _

_ -I’ve never been on a date. Not really. _

Fake dates with Poe didn’t count.

_ -Me neither.  _

My heart raced at his confession. I knew that this was probably the case. Ben had told me he had never dated anyone, never really even talked to anyone. There was always a party girl who pretended to be interested to score, but Ben had never been interested. I hadn’t asked him about Lily, but he seemed to have read my mind. 

_ “Lily was a friend. She wasn’t exactly interested in men. Though she did give really good tips, according to her at least,” Ben added on quickly. His face had flushed a crimson red and I had giggled. In the back of my mind, I had wondered if that met Ben knew about Poe, but I pushed it away for later.  _

There was a mutual unspoken agreement between Ben and me now. The last week had been filled with slow exploratory kisses and long conversations when things got to be too fast for either of us. 

_ -Are you asleep? _

The soft ding of my phone stirs me from my half-awake daze.

_ -Nearly. _

A second later, he replies with a goodnight. Warmth fills my chest at the sight of it. How could one word put me so at peace? 

“What are you doing tonight?” Finn’s pointed question comes at me from across a tensely quiet table. I look up from my sad pile of mashed potatoes that I was carefully swirling around on my tray. Rose’s eyes are still like daggers, and I make a mental promise to never cross her again. The girl could hold a grudge. 

I couldn’t blame her though. 

“Going to the movies.”

“Alone? We can come with, right Poe? Rose?” Finn bumps Poe with his shoulder and glances at the ball of anger that is his girlfriend. He looks completely desperate and a fresh wave of guilt and self-hatred washes over me once more. 

Rose says nothing. 

Poe just mumbles through his chicken and nods. 

“No, it’s okay. I mostly just wanted to go alone, ya know.” My stomach rolls and I wonder if today is the day I finally lose my lunch. 

Maz drops me off at exactly 7:55. The movie theater is old and classic, like something straight out of the 1920s. I tell her that I’m meeting Rose and Finn and Poe there and that they would drop me back off at home afterward. Maz wishes me a good time and drives off happily in her yellow beetle. 

My stomach rolls as if it’s dancing a tango and the partners are excitement and anxiety. I’m not sure if I expect to see Ben waiting in the lobby for me, but I am a little disappointed when he’s not there. Where was he? Do I buy my ticket and get a snack and try to find him? The movie theater is packed full of people. It’s practically the only thing to do in Republic on a cold Friday night. As I wait in line, I see several of my classmates and my heart kicks into high gear. Guys from the lacrosse team stand in the snack line with arms around their girlfriends. I scan the crowd for Poe and Finn, but I don’t see any of them. 

The lady ahead of me finishes buying her tickets and I find myself face to face with Ben. In all the chaos of the crowd, I hadn’t even noticed that the ticket guy was a tall, dark, and cute boy.  _ My  _ tall, dark, and cute boy. 

“You work here?” My jaw drops and it’s the only thing I can think to say. 

Ben only shrugs. There’s a small smirk on his face that I want to wipe away. “I volunteer here sometimes. It’s a community theater. Keeps my mom happy.”

Ben winks in a way that tells me he’s never volunteered here in his life. He rips me off a ticket, which is nothing more than one of those little red paper tickets they hand out at fairs and raffles. He slides it through the small opening of the ticket booth, along with a piece of white paper. I step away to keep the line going and quickly glance down to read the paper. 

_ /Staircase by the bathrooms. Don’t worry about snacks./ _

I can’t help my smirk of amusement. What an ass. I find the bathrooms, and luckily there’s not a line. There is, however, an iron spiral staircase that disappeared into a dark room above her. There was an ‘off-limits’ sign, but I had a feeling I was exempt from that tonight. I wait by the bathroom door until there is a break in the flow of people headed into the theater. I’m over the sign and up the stairs in a second. I stop at the top waiting for someone to come up after me, but no one does and I breathe a sigh of relief. 

The staircase has dumped me onto a small balcony that looks out over the seats of the theater. The room was filled with the hum of conversation and the sounds of pre-movie ads playing under it. 

There were a few chairs on the balcony and a door that must have led to the projection room. This must be overflow seating. I take a seat in one of the chairs and peer cautiously over the edge of the balcony at the people down below. There’s a lot of people tonight, but there are still quite a few seats open. 

The lights dim and I sit back as the local advertisements turn to the customary twenty minutes of movie trailers for upcoming films. I wasn’t even quite sure what tonight's movie was, but judging from the trailers, something actiony, maybe a little comedic. 

“Hey.”

I look up to see Ben standing beside me. His arms are full of drinks and popcorn and candies. He looks a bit flustered and a little flushed, but there’s a smile on his face, and I know somehow it’s because of me. I take some of the popcorn and candies and Ben is finally free enough to set down the drinks in our cupholders. 

Even though we had been talking all week and I had stayed overnight with him multiple times, excitement and fear and shyness all bubble up in my chest as Ben sits down next to me. Heat rises in my cheeks as his fingers curl around mine in the darkness of the movie theater. 

The trailers end and I still can’t get the nervousness to subside as the movie finally begins. 

I was wrong. 

I was very wrong. 

This was not an action movie with comedic quips. This was a horror movie. With jump scares. I can handle horror movies. My life had been somewhat of a horror movie at some points. But jump scares had always been a big no for me.

Aptly named  _ The Garden,  _ the five unknowing teens wander into a mysterious garden labyrinth and are chased down one by one by an insane minotaur-faun hybrid creature. It was like watching a trainwreck. I couldn’t look away. 

By the time the movie nears the end, my fingers are so deeply embedded in Ben’s arm that I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to move them. Popcorn was everywhere, due to my jumping two feet in the air when the monster popped out of nowhere and taking out Ben’s popcorn bowl in the process. Ben chuckles as there’s one last scare and I jump again and bury my face in his chest. 

“It’s not funny,” I grumble. 

Ben shrugs. “It’s a little funny.”   


“I hate you.”

“No, you don’t.”

He’s right. I really don’t. The movie ends and Ben disappears downstairs for a broom and pan to clean up my popcorn mess. By the time we have it all clean, the theater has cleared out and gone quiet. Ben takes my hand and we make our way down the spiral stairs and out into the street. Ben has his hood pulled up and over his face, but there’s not a lot of people around anymore. It’s too cold out for anyone to stick around and the ice cream shop had already closed for the winter. 

I hold his hand and pull him closer, leaning into his warmth against the cool air of a November night. The streetlights and trees are already dressed in lights for the holidays. The whole main street is glittering and golden and beautiful, but I can’t take my eyes off of Ben. There’s a soft, genuine smile on his face that doesn’t fade away like it always does. He’s all golden and romantic in the holiday lights and I want to study the marks on his pale skin and memorize the line of his jaw. 

Ben stops when he notices me staring up at him. His warm, intense eyes meet mine and I’m lost in him. His hand brushes against my cheek and my eyes flutter shut as he leans in for a kiss. 

He’s soft and warm and gentle and loving. Never before had I felt so safe and protected in my life. Never before had I wanted to protect someone with such intensity. It was worth it. Ben was worth the scary packaging that he came wrapped in. We could build cathedrals and burn cities and nothing, not even time or space, could keep us apart. The feeling in my chest is undeniable and insatiable. It burns like a thousand suns, and I know it was way too early to say what I want to say, but my mouth has a mind of its own and I felt it so strongly I might burst if I kept it in. 

“Ben, I-”

“Get your filthy hands off of her.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back and better than ever.
> 
> Kinda. Not really. Almost died on my little adventure, but I'm all good. Altitude sickness isn't a joke. 
> 
> Next post will be Friday! Drop a comment and a kudo if you're still here. I love reading and replying to all of you! 
> 
> As for a guestimate on chapter count, I am currently on chapter twenty and feeling like I'm not quite halfway through. Still have to take Snoke down and deal with the fall out from all of that! I think that there will be at least thirty chapters if not forty or more.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I'll use you as a warning sign  
> That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind  
> And I'll use you as a focal point  
> So I don't lose sight of what I want  
> And I've moved further than I thought I could  
> But I missed you more than I thought I would  
> And I'll use you as a warning sign  
> That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind  
> And I found love where it wasn't supposed to be  
> Right in front of me  
> Talk some sense to me”
> 
> \- I Found, Amber Run

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Descriptions of Violence, Mentions of Implied Domestic Abuse, A trip to the Emergency Room

It takes a moment for my mind to catch up to my body. Everything feels as if it is moving in slow motion. I open my mouth to tell Ben something… Something incredibly important, and there’s someone else yelling. 

Hands come out of the dark peripherals of my vision and latch on to Ben’s hoodie. I blink and Ben is falling away from me, his arms haphazardly dragging me with him. I stumble as his hands let go of me. All the warmth of the night is gone. Ben falls to the ground and I watch as a fist connects with his cheek.

My mind catches up and I know that voice. I know that face. My shouts come out like molasses as Ben grunts against the flying of fists. Blood drips on the concrete from his nose and my body reacts before my mind can. My years and years of self-preservation are thrown out the window. Someone I love is hurting. Someone I love is in danger. Nothing else matters. An elbow cracks against my cheek as I surge forward to throw myself at the attacker. He swings around as the force of his elbow drops me to the ground and hands shove me away. 

My skin burns as it hits concrete and my head cracks sharply against a retaining wall stone on the side of the sidewalk. Everything goes black and blurry for a second. I can hear my name being called. I blink and there are warm lights above me. Warm, strong, familiar hands against my face. I blink again and the fuzzy lights sharpen to the shape of a snowflake, and Ben’s face is above me. Blood runs down his chin from his nose. It looks purple and swollen and angry and there’s another cut by his eye. 

“Rey? Rey? Are you with me? Don’t pass out on me again.” Ben’s hands run through my hair, brushing it out of my face. He’s pressing something to my forehead, a cloth, I think. I blink again and groan as a wave of sharp pain passes through me.

“Is she okay? I’m so sorry, Rey.” Poe’s frantic voice comes from somewhere else, somewhere I can’t see. There’s a little commotion and Ben turns around and growls, “Stay away, Dameron.”

My head feels like it’s splitting in two. I close my eyes against the ringing and try to breathe. “Don’t fight, please don’t fight.”

“We won’t fight, Rey,” Ben whispers. “Can you open your eyes so I can look at them? You might have a concussion.”

I open my eyes as wide as I can, but the light from the street is painful and I quickly shut them again. “Are you okay?”

Ben huffs a laugh. “Am I okay? Yeah, Rey, I’m okay.”

“Where’s Poe?”

“I’m here. I’m so sorry, Rey. I didn’t know it was you. I didn’t realize...” Poe drops down to his knees beside me and Ben tenses. I put a hand on Ben’s hand and a hand on Poe’s. 

“Did you come here to spy on me?”

“Yeah.” This time it’s Finn’s voice. “You know… Rose wouldn’t say anything. And you wouldn’t either. And Poe and I both wanted to see  _ The Garden _ , so if we saw what you were up to along the way… Well… We just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“I’m great.” I open my eyes to give Finn and Poe a look, but searing pain flashes through my head and I groan. “I think I need to go to the ER. Before the adrenaline completely wears off, please.”

I feel Poe shift beside me, but Ben growls, “Don’t you dare touch her.”

Poe tenses, but I squeeze his hand and he seems to back down. My eyes are closed, so I can only imagine the intense stare that was happening. No one moves and I sigh. “Finn, can you take Poe and go tell Maz that I fell and hit my head and am on my way to the ER? Ben, please take me to the ER.”

Not a second passes before I’m scooped up into strong arms. I curl into Ben’s chest and press a hand to the cloth on my head. The stone must have split my skin when I hit it. I could feel that my hair was wet with blood. Head cuts always looked worse than they actually were. It was the second time within a week that I was covered in blood, but at least tonight it was my own. Who knew what next week would bring?

“Why are you giggling?” Ben huffed. 

“I am?” Everything around me feels distant and foggy. I yawned and piercing pain raced through my head again. “Ouch.”

I hear a car door open and Ben carefully lowers me into the seat. “Don’t fall asleep now on me, okay? The hospital is just a little bit away.”

He tucks my feet in and closes the car door. There’s a moment of quiet and darkness and I start to sink into it. The car door opens and Ben sinks in near my head. “Shit. No, Rey. You gotta stay with me. Can you tell me about something? Anything?”

“Ouch.” Another bolt of pain sears through my head. What did he ask me? “What? Where am I?”

“You’re in my car. We’re on our way to the hospital. It’s only ten minutes, okay?”

“Mmm, okay.” I stare up at Ben’s face watching as the lights of the streets pass over his cheekbones. A picture of Poe drifts through my mind as I close my eyes against the glare of headlights on Ben’s face. “Don’t be mad at him.”

Ben doesn’t say anything. 

“I know he hit you, but please don’t be mad at him.”

“I’m not mad because he hit me, Rey. I’m mad because he hurt you. I’m mad because you got hurt because of me again. I’m mad at myself because I’ve made you lie and keep my secrets and now you keep getting hurt.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“But it is, though, Rey!” Ben slams the palm of his hand against the steering wheel and I flinch. Ben instantly stills and takes a deep breath.

“It’s worth it though. The scary, bad stuff is worth being with you.” I whisper. 

Ben says nothing. The car slows to a stop and Ben puts it in park. Wet tears fall onto my face, but I don’t say anything either. Ben only picks me up and carries me into the E.R. I shield my eyes from the bright lights against his chest, but soon his warmth is gone from me and I’m shivering in a wheelchair being carted around. I reach out for Ben’s hand and it finds me and I focus on the warmth and the strength. 

I’m checked in and wheeled into a hospital room. The lights are dim enough that I can finally open my eyes a little bit. Ben and the nurse help me into the bed and I lay back, half sitting up in the adjustable bed. The nurse lays a warm blanket over me and I curl up in it. Ben stays at my side, my hand in his. He casts worried glances at me but I give him a little smile and run my thumb over his knuckles. They’re rough and scabby in some places, still raw in others. 

The nurse sets a few more things up and clips a heart rate monitor to my finger. I know what she’s thinking. She’s trying to hide it, but I can see the way she looks between me and Ben. 

“He didn’t do this,” I say quickly. Ben glances at the nurse but quickly drops his eyes to our hands. 

The nurse looks at me for a moment, then looks at the way my hand is in Ben’s, then at Ben’s face. I glance at him and meet his big, puppy dog eyes. He’s so worried, so caring. I smile and touch my hand to his cheek. He’s got one hell of a blackeye starting and I think I do as well. We look like quite the pair. I glance back at the nurse and she’s trying to hide a little smile. 

Her name is Kaydel Connix, according to her name tag. She works quickly, taking my temperature and blood pressure. My last period. If I could be pregnant. I flush and answer two weeks ago and no. Yes, I was sure. 

She snaps her folder closed. “You are a minor with non-life threatening injuries, so we cannot perform any tests without your parent or guardian’s consent. Is there someone you would like to contact?”

“My guardian Maz Kanata should be here shortly.”

“And you, young man?” Kaydel’s eyebrows raise. Ben shakes his head and she sighs. “Well, at any rate you should get checked out as well.”

“I’m fine. Thanks.” Ben nods to Kaydel and the nurse holds back a sigh. 

“At least let me look at your nose.” 

Ben glances back at me and I prod at him with a finger. He sighs and turns to the nurse offering her his face. Ben keeps his hand in mine as she examines his face, poking and prodding. I wince every time Ben hisses with pain. 

Kaydel steps back and removes her gloves. “It might be fractured. We can take a scan if you want. You’ll have to check-in.”

“It’s fine. Not my first one. Probably won’t be my last. Poe always did have a wicked right hook.”

My headache was beyond unbearable now. There was a ringing in my ear that wouldn’t stop and the cut on my forehead throbbed and burned. I squeeze Ben’s hand through another wave of pain. Kaydel leaves us quickly and says that the doctor will be there soon. I close my eyes against the dim lights. 

A few minutes pass and there’s a knock at the door. The sound is almost too much and I groan. I open my eyes just enough to see the doctor walk in followed by a short, familiar woman with giant magnified eyes. She looks more terrified than pissed off, but that all changes the moment she sees Ben. Ben holding my hand.

There’s no yelling, just a strained, calm, “What happened?”

“Let’s get her checked out first, then we can discuss, shall we? I’m Doctor Kalonia, Rey.” The white-coated woman sits down in the chair beside me and puts on a pair of gloves. She gestures to the cloth I was still pressing against my face. “May I?”

I nod and she takes the cloth from me. She carefully looks at the gash then starts poking around my eye and the swollen parts of my forehead. “Looks like a nasty hit and fall. What did you hit your head on?”

“I… Think it was a… ahh.” My brain struggled to come up with the work and my headache flashed with bright hot pain. 

“A garden border stone. Like the ones in retaining walls.” Ben finishes for me. 

“Ouch. That’s sharp. The cut we can glue back together, no staples or stitches. The swelling should go down with ice and rest. Your eye socket feels intact, but I want to get a scan of that too when you’re up in imagining. My biggest worry is your concussion. Headache, I’m guessing? What about ringing? Nausea? Blurry vision?” I nod to each one of the symptoms except nausea that Doctor Kalonia lists off. “I can see you’ve got some confusion and slurred speech, too. All and all a bad lot, but hopefully we can help make you a bit more comfortable and some of those symptoms to subside. I want to keep you here overnight, just to keep an eye on you. Okay?”

I nod, just barely, but even that is too much for my headache. I grip Ben’s hand harder. He was going to leave me any second now, I could just feel it. “Don’t leave me.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Rey,” Ben whispers softly. If anyone objects, they don’t say.

There’s a moment of silence in which I’m sure Dr. Kalonia and Maz had a non-verbal conversation, but then there’s the snap of gloves coming off. Dr. Kalonia stands beside me, and I can’t even open my eyes. The lights are too bright. “I’ll send Nurse Connix back in to clean out your cut and get you all cleaned up and into a gown. We’ll try and get you into imagining as soon as possible. And after that, you should be able to have something to help with the pain. Okay?”

“Okay.” 

The door opens and shuts and Dr. Kalonia is gone. The air is tense between Maz and Ben, and all I want is for one of them to break it. After what seems like an age, Maz shifts and I hear her take a seat. “Would someone like to explain why Mr. Johnson showed up at nearly eleven with an inconsolable Mr. Dameron at his side to tell me that my foster daughter is on her way to the emergency room? I believe it has something to do with you, Mr. Solo.”

I gently squeeze his hand and keep rubbing my thumb in small, smooth circles against his warm skin. I can’t bear to open my eyes to see his face, but I know my touch and presence was the only thing keeping him under control right now. His hand in mine was the only thing keeping me from breaking down in pain. He was reluctant to start, so I started for him. “We’ve been dating, secretly. And tonight we went to the movies together. Poe saw Ben kissing me in the streets and he kinda lost it… Because of Lily.”

“I know about Lily.” Maz’s voice was neutral. I couldn’t tell what the woman was thinking. Was I about to get kicked out? Sent back to the home? Had she already called Miss Holdo?

“Poe started punching Ben and I tried to get in the middle of it. Got an elbow to the eye and fell and hit my head on the stone.” At least I could remember that.

There was a long time of silence before Maz took a deep breath. “There will be a lot to explain to Miss Holdo.”

“You can’t just kick her out.” Ben’s voice thundered through the small room. “She didn’t do anything. None of this was her fault. It was all mine. I’m the one who put her in harm's way. I’m the one who screwed up my whole life. I’m the reason that she’s in the hospital.”

“Mr. Solo, please. I am not going to kick Rey out. I am not going to send her back to the home. I do not give up on my fosters when the going gets tough. I plan to update her caseworker on these events and Rey will need to accept responsibility for her choices, which I think she already has.”  
My heart feels as if it is fluttering and flying and burning all at once. Maz wasn’t going to kick me out. She wasn’t going to give up on me. 

There’s a faint knock on the door before it quietly swings open and Kaydel comes back in returning the room to quiet. There’s a little less tension in the room, but I can feel the tidal wave of emotion that Ben was holding back. I can only hope that I won't lose him in it. 

Kaydel busies herself with preparing the cleaning solutions and strange skin glue stuff. It’s hard to keep my eyes open for more than a few seconds. I bite my lip through the stinging pain of the antiseptic solution Kaydel uses to clean away the blood and dirt on my face. The glue burns worse and leaves my face feeling stretched and taunt once it dries. Kaydel even gently cleans the scrapes on my hands and knees from falling on the cement and hands Ben a few alcohol wipes to clean himself up. 

Not long after that, I am taken to get all of the scans Doctor Kalonia ordered. No one is allowed to come with me, so Ben kisses my cheek and tells me that he’ll be right here when I get back and Maz gives my hand a little squeeze. The scans take a while, but I am returned to my room with promises of some pain medication after Dr. Kalonia looks at my scans. 

Ben is there waiting for me and so is Maz. Neither of them look very happy with the other, despite trying to hide it when I’m pushed back into the room. My fingers wrap around Ben’s. From then on, it’s only a slightly tense and very uncomfortable waiting game until Dr. Kalonia knocks and walks in. “How are you feeling Rey?”

I wave my hand in a so-so fashion. It was getting annoying to have Ben poke me awake every few minutes. 

“Well, I think we’ll be able to get you some medicines and let you sleep in just a minute. I took a look at your CT scan and it’s about what I thought it would be. You have a grade two or moderate impact brain trauma. A concussion, in other words. Luckily, there’s no fractures or damage from your fall to the skull or your eye socket. You’ll look a bit worse for wear while that black eye comes in and your cut begins to heal. Any swelling should go down in a couple of days. You may notice some different symptoms like headaches, nausea, ringing in your ears. If you experience prolonged bouts of confusion, amnesia, or forgetfulness I want you to come back in. I also want you to come back in in a few weeks for another scan just to make sure everything is progressing and healing nicely, okay?”

I nod and Dr. Kalonia smiles. 

“No stressing yourself out. Don’t do any physical activity or excessive mental activity before we see you again. I know finals are coming up, so get in contact with your school and come up with a way you can lighten your course load and spread things out. If you’re doing something that gives you a headache or triggers your symptoms, stop. And for these first three nights, I want Maz waking you up every three hours, just to make sure you can wake up right. Okay? Okay. Take tylenol. No NSAIDs. I’ll have Nurse Connix bring you some. And you can get a little sleep before we kick you out.”

Dr. Kalonia left and a few minutes later, Kaydel walked in with some pills and a small water. I took them greedily. Within minutes after Kaydel had left, I was asleep, my fingers intertwined with Ben’s.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I stay up too late and it hurts to breathe  
> Said it's 4 A.M., girl go back to sleep  
> Sometimes at night I can hear her dream  
> Come rescue me, come rescue me  
> Don't you ever leave, don't you ever leave  
> I know we got our problems and it's probably me  
> So hold onto me, hold onto me”
> 
> -Hold Onto Me, Mayday Parade

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Drug Abuse, Violence
> 
> !Note!
> 
> Edited about 2 hours after first posted.

His eyes are red, bloodshot from staying up all night. His mouth is dry, his hand cramps from holding hers. But Ben can’t let go of her. Not yet. 

He knows when he does it might be the last he can hold it for a long time. He knows when he does that she might never want to hold it again. He knows she might not get a chance. He knows all of this so he can’t let go just yet.

Maz’s eyes had been like fire after they took Rey away for the CT scan. They had burned deep into his soul, so hot that he could feel her gaze on him even when he looked away. Ben could feel her gaze now. 

“Don’t do it, kid.”

“Do what?” He grumbles. 

“Don’t do that either. Playing stupid isn’t a good look on you. You let her into your life. If you leave now, you’ve lost her no matter what happens.”

“I have to.” Ben’s words burn his throat. She’d never be safe with Snoke still around. She’d never be happy with a shadow over her shoulder. He can’t even keep her from getting hurt for more than a few days. She was better off without him. She was always better off without him.

“I’ve been around a long time, Benjamin. Republic wasn’t always the shiny pretty thing that it is now. It has scars that run deep and wide. I’ve seen a lot of things in this town. I watched your uncle and mother grow up. I watched their parents tear each other apart in a war they should have fought together. ”

Ben finally looks at her, surprise and shock biting through the sleep in his system. His mother never mentioned her parents, he only knew what the other kids whispered about- ghost stories in the dark. “You knew them?”

“Yes. Just as I know you. Just as I know your connection to Snoke and the hold he has over your life.”

“I have to end him, Maz. He threatened her. He knows about her.”

Now it was the old woman’s turn to take a shaky breath. “Tell me everything. Now.”

There’s an authority in her voice that Ben can’t ignore. She cares for Rey as much as he does. She’ll understand. She’ll see what he has to do, too. Ben quickly filled her in on Snoke and the party. Maz took it all in with the calm demeanor of someone who has seen it all, far more than he can imagine. Ben suddenly feels as if he was missing a giant part of an even bigger puzzle. It had always frustrated him, the feeling that something was missing, the feeling that his path in life had already been laid out before him in the cosmos. It was a feeling that had hung over his head his whole life. That is, until her. When she was near him everything made sense. 

He’s trailed off, lost in thought. And Rey’s strange foster parent is watching him closely. Like she knows exactly what he is thinking. 

“Destiny is a strange thing, kid. I don’t know if you can see it or feel it. But it’s there. Stay with her. Don’t leave.”

“Shouldn’t you be telling me to stay away?” Ben glances at Rey, but she is still sleeping soundly. “That I’m a bad influence. That she’ll only get hurt if she stays with me”

“It sounds like you’ve got that handled yourself. Makes you about twenty times better than any other man out there already.” Maz leans forward in her chair and looks him square in the eye. “If I tell you to stay away, she’ll only go running to find you. If I tell you that you two can’t be together, she’ll start sneaking out to more dangerous places than the house next door. I allow this, and you two mostly stay where I can make sure she’s safe. You teenagers aren’t that complicated. Or as sneaky as you think you are.”

“You knew she was sneaking out?”

Maz barks a laugh. “Of course I did. I may be blind as a bat but I’m not that blind. I was just waiting for her to tell me. Kid wears her heart on her sleeve. The guilt was eating her alive, but she was being stubborn about it. Trying to protect you, I imagine. And Mr. Dameron. She needed to learn to trust me. Needed to know that even when she lied and messed up, that I wasn’t going to leave or give up on her. Now she needs that from you. You got that, kid? Don’t break what she’s already given you.”

Maz’s words hit Ben like a brick wall. She had laid waste into his plans with one fell swoop and saw straight through him with those absurdly giant eyes of hers. For a woman that tiny, she packed a punch. Ben nods slowly. 

He couldn’t leave. Not even for his own reasons. Not without Rey waking up in the hospital room alone. Not without her thinking that he had abandoned her. He would never. Ben would fall on his own sword before he let that happen. But she didn’t know that. She didn’t understand that. 

“I understand.” Ben murmurs. Rey wasn’t set to be woken up for another hour. There was something he needed to do first, before she woke up and got discharged. 

Ben kisses her hand softly and then her forehead. She mumbles something incoherent, but stays asleep even as he lets go of her hand. Maz says nothing as he leaves the room. 

He makes his way to the lobby of the emergency room and finds Poe hunched over in a chair with a very tired Finn beside him. Poe’s head raises until their eyes meet and there’s a flash of deep seated anger in his eyes before it’s replaced with a deep concern. For Rey. 

The voice inside shouted at Ben that Poe had done this! Poe was the reason Rey was in the hospital. But Poe wasn’t the reason. Ben took a deep breath and tried to fight away the confusing ocean of anger and self-hatred that had ruled over him for so long. 

“Is she okay?” Poe rasped. His dark eyes were bloodshot with dark bags beneath them. The guy’s normally perfect hair was wild and messy. 

“She’s still fine.” _No thanks to you._ Ben forced the next words out. “We need to talk.”

Poe’s jaw twitches as his fingers curl in and out of a fist. “I’d rather jump off a bridge than talk to you.”

“I’m not- look. I’m doing this for her, dammit. Because of her. I’m not trying to be your fucking friend or whatever again, Dameron. I’m just trying to make her hurt a little less.”

“If you think I’m letting you go anywhere near her again you are sadly mistaken.” Poe jumps to his feet and Ben has to dig his nails into his palm to keep from clocking this asshole. 

“That’s not your choice. It’s not mine either. It’s _hers_.” Ben doesn’t move as Poe advances on him. 

“I don’t know what sort of lies you’ve fed her, but she’s going to find out who you really are-”

“She knows who I am. I don’t lie to her.” Ben presses nails into skin until he feels it break. He can feel his fingers slicken a little as he focuses on the pain. It calms him just enough. “I didn’t ask for her to be in my life. I tried to push her away, but she wouldn’t let me.”

“You don’t lie to her? Really? Have you told her everything?” 

Ben’s silence is enough of an answer. He had known Rey for so little time. There was so much to talk about still. 

“You’re a fucking bastard you know that.” Poe seethes. He was never going to understand, never going to see how hard Ben was trying to settle this. “A monster.”

“Yes. I am.” Ben breaks the angry contact with Poe, ready to walk away. Ready to take another blow. 

“Wait.” This time it was Finn who spoke. He’d been sunk in a lobby chair anxiously watching the match off between his best friend and the enemy. “Poe, just listen to him.”

Ben’s eyes flashed up to meet Finn’s. The young man was looking at him with an almost pained curiosity. “Listen to him, and then if you’re still mad at the end, I won’t hold you back.”

“She was my friend.” Ben began lamely. It was the only way he could think of to start. “You and Lily were the only friends I’ve ever had. And then… Things went down between us and… well, then Snoke happened. And then all I had was no one. But she started using. And I couldn’t stop her. But she tried to get off spice. And each time she tried she would call me and I would pick her up and we would go somewhere I could keep her safe while she detoxed, but nothing worked. She’d either break halfway through or make it a couple weeks or days before reverting.”

“And that night. The night she died?”

“We were one week into a two week detox.” Ben closed his eyes, trying to block out the river of images that invaded his mind. Lily laying beside him telling him about all the constellations. Her laugh. Cold, vacant eyes. Puke on the floor. “It was supposed to be a slow one. We were going to reduce her dose little by little each day until it was down to nothing at all and she was detoxed.”

“But she didn’t make it that far.” Finn whispered, horror filling his eyes. Poe was now staring, unwaveringly at something far off, like a distant memory. 

“I went out for groceries. She broke open the lock box. And when I got back,” Ben couldn’t bring himself to recount the story. To remember it all again and again in his mind. He wouldn’t be able to stop. “It’s my fault she’s dead. You’re right to hate me. To call me a monster. I am. But I tried to save her, Poe.”

The man’s eyes shot up to his, no longer murderous, now just angry and confused. It was all Ben could say. He had no more excuses. No more lies to himself. Just the plain and simple facts. That he had tried and it wasn’t enough. 

“Do you love her? Rey?” Poe’s voice is so thick with emotion it takes Ben a second to understand what he was asking. 

Ben nods slowly. “I’d give my life for hers.”

“Then leave her. Fuck it. Leave town. I never want to see your fucking face again, Solo.”

“No.” 

It takes a second for Ben to register the fist connecting with his cheek. It catches him off guard and he stumbles away from Poe. When he looks back up, Finn is struggling to hold Poe back and the hospital security is hurrying over. Ben backs away, letting the scene play out before him as Poe and Finn are kicked out of the hospital lobby. He slips away, heading back to Rey as quickly as he can. At least he can tell her that he tried. 

When he opens the door, the first thing he notices is that Maz’s chair is empty. Ben instantly looked to the bed where Maz is standing over Rey, trying to wake her up. Rey is twitching in the bed and mumbling. Her incoherent mumbling forms into shouts as she writhes and convulses in pain. 

“Stop. Stop. Ben!”

Ben’s heart drops through the floor. She was having a nightmare about him. His heart raced as it grew harder to breathe. Everything Maz had said flew out of his thoughts. Rey was having nightmares of him, because of him. Ben backed away towards the door as Maz’s eyes flickered to him. 

“Ben-”

He loses her voice as he slips out the door and races away down the hall.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I had all and then most of you  
> Some and now none of you  
> Take me back to the night we met  
> I don't know what I'm supposed to do  
> Haunted by the ghost of you  
> Oh, take me back to the night we met”
> 
> -The Night We Met, Lord Huron

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Depiction of a Disassociative Episode, Abandonment

He was gone. 

The words hit me like a pile of stones thrown from a mountaintop. I had known the second that I woke up to Maz’s huge eyes instead of his. If I closed my eyes, I could still feel the breath of his touch against my hand. But, I knew it as clearly as I knew the sky was blue. Ben was gone. 

Left. 

He left me. 

The pain of it hurt worse than the bruises on my face. I crush the rough hospital sheets in my fists, trying to fight back the stinging tears gathering in my eyes and the nausea in my stomach and the way my throat was threatening to close up again. 

“What happened?”

“I- I don’t know, kid.” Maz was her usual stoic self, and I wanted to shake her until some form of emotion eked out. “Thought I talked him out of it. He said he had to go take care of something and left. You started having your nightmare and he came back in, saw you, and ran back out.”

_ Close it up. Close up this hole in your heart and glue it shut. Stick all the memories of him in a dark void of your mind and block it off with cement and barbed wire and rocks so heavy even you cannot lift them. Dam the tide of feelings. Move on. Move forward. Survive. _

I shake at the words echoing in my head. The pain of it all dulls as the walls in my mind are rebuilt around me. Safety, solid protection. Nothing could pierce the dented metal, not even myself. “Can I check out now?”

Maz hums a sad sigh. “I’ll grab a nurse.”

I stare off blankly at the plain hospital wall. There’s a picture there of a yellow flower, but it seems dull and lifeless. The nurse moves around me, taking down vital signs and asking questions. Kaydel must have gone home. All the comforts of the night were gone it seemed. A moment later, Dr. Kalonia’s morning shift replacement enters the room and asks a series of questions and checks my eyes. I am good enough to go, but none of it matters. Everything feels as if it is hidden behind a wall of haze. The hospital staff were nothing more than a slightly annoying buzz all around me. Maz was trying to talk to me, but I could answer with nothing more than a grunt of acknowledgment; I heard nothing of what my foster parent had said. 

I had never felt more alone than I did as I was wheeled from the hospital doors to Maz’s waiting car. I was fine, though. It was all fine. After all, I wasn’t dead.  _ That would be much easier.  _

I push the thought away.  _ Maybe you’re just overreacting like you always do. Always making a big deal out of nothing. You’ll get home and he’ll be waiting there with an explanation. Besides, aren’t you supposed to be the strong, independent girl who can survive on her own? What are you now? _

Please, stop. I clutch my knees to my chest as Maz drives, curling in protectively on myself. There are the beginning pangs of a headache starting as Maz drives. The lights of the outside world were almost too much for my eyes to bear. 

Eventually, the car came to a halt and the engine quieted as Maz took the key out. I didn’t untangle myself just yet. 

“Mr. Dameron is waiting for you. Would you like to talk to him?”

My breath catches in my chest as shocks of painful emotion shoot out from my hastily built defenses. It’s a confusing storm of anger and sadness and lonely longing for a friend. I shake my head no.

Maz gets out of the car and I can hear their muffled voices talking outside. I can’t quite hear what they're saying. Maz opens the door a few minutes later. “He’s gone.”

I release my grasp and climb out of the car and up the stairs of the old house. I stay in my room for the rest of the day and try not to check my phone as I dive into the distractions of sleep and music. He wasn’t coming back. No one ever came back. Why would he be any different?

What was worse than the mind-numbing ache I felt when I was alone was braving the week of school ahead of me. There were stares and whispers about my face; the rumors that were too close to truths spread through the school like wildfire. I found herself hiding, slipping through empty halls and into classrooms at the last second. My heart raced constantly, afraid that I would turn a corner and run into Poe or Finn or Rose or, worst of all, Ben.

Poe had begun to try to seek me out, so I did my best to avoid him. I didn’t want to talk to him. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I changed my seat to sit away from Rose in class, ate lunch in the kiln room of the art classroom. The only one who didn’t seem to be chasing after me was Finn, though I avoided him too. 

Distance was good. I couldn’t be hurt if there was no one to hurt me. Don’t be seen. Don’t speak unless spoken to. Ignore the spots where he used to be. My only snag came during shop class. What used to be a place of hard-earned refuge, was now a painful reminder of him. I worked quietly on the car we had designed together, methodically focussing my entire being into each weld and mark. Mr. Solo remained remarkably quiet.

My classes shifted through my fingers like smoke and sand, running ten paces ahead of me at every turn. I had my doctor’s note to take it easy. Deadlines were extended, classes adjusted, P.E. canceled, but I spend my study periods hiding, unable to concentrate, unable to keep my eyes open for more than a few minutes. Sleep was infrequent and at times impossible to find, but when I did sleep the nightmares returned in full force. Pain and dark eyes and a twisted man on a dark throne, the masked man standing beside him. 

It took until Friday for me to realize that Ben wasn’t coming back. That he was gone, for real. Not just hiding from me or giving me space or time or whatever he thought that I might need. 

In the grey blanket of hazy numbness, a white spark of worry settled in my gut. 

It still hasn’t gone away by the time Maz pulls up by the school shop’s door to pick me up. I climb into the car, mumble a hello, and clutch my bag to my chest. Maz says something about having to stay at the bar for a few extra hours tonight, but I barely notice. The car pulls up out front and I wordlessly slip out of the car and into the warmth of the house. I set my bag down and let my feet carry me out to the back porch. I stare at Ben’s window for a long time before I even register what I am looking at. 

The blinds are drawn, the room beyond them is dark. 

My feet carry me around the edge of Maz’s house, moving as of their own accord. I’ve been drifting for several days now, lost in a haze as I watch my life play out before my eyes. It’s a defense mechanism, I know this in the back of my mind. Disassociating. Floating. Flying. Suffocating silently as my brain tries to rip itself to shreds. 

It’s not painful in the way one might think of pain. It’s the type of pain that can’t be fixed with bandaids and Advil. It’s like a dull, never-ceasing roar in the back of my mind, fueled by a deep hatred of myself and insurmountable tiredness. The pain is too much for my mind to take, so I just let go. 

I am staring at the empty side garage now. My eyes had been searching for a familiar black car filled with music and a boy who had finally made me feel safe. I push the thought away, tucking it behind a thick grey wall in my mind. I move past the shadow of what once was. 

“He’s gone.”

I jump at the sound of the voice as it pierces through the haze in my mind. I turn to find my principal watching me from the porch, a steaming cup of something in her hand. She looks much different now than she does at school, wrapped in a comfortable blue robe with greying hair that tumbles down her shoulders. She looks more like a mother now, a wife, but there’s a glint in her eye that tells me she is so much more. 

“He didn’t say much before he left, only that he was going away for a long time and that he had some things he had to take care of.”

I shiver as I suddenly snap back into my body. It’s a jarring experience to suddenly feel again. Though, the grey cloud of numbness is still there, though it has partially dissipated. I could feel the ice-cold chill of the November winds curling around my cheeks and freezing bare fingers.

The woman sips at her cup, then gestures towards me with it. “Want to come in? I’ve made hot chocolate.”

She turns and goes inside, not waiting for me to reply. I follow her, though I’m not quite sure why. Perhaps it was the promise of hot chocolate and a warm house. Perhaps it was the spark of worry that grew in my stomach each time I realized that Ben was well and truly gone. 

A cloud of warm air envelopes me as I step into the home. It looked pretty much the same as when I had first seen it, though now there were a few seasonal decorations on shelves and lights that twinkled above the cabinets in the kitchen. I follow Principal Organa into the kitchen for a cup of hot chocolate and then we retire to the living room where there’s a warm fire crackling happily in the fireplace. The imagined memory of being curled up beside Ben as they watched a movie while his parents made dinner in the kitchen rears its ugly head. I sip at my hot chocolate and try to hold back the tears. 

“Thank you, for the hot chocolate Principal Organa.”

“Please, when we’re not in school you can call me Leia, Rey.” The older woman settled back in her chair. 

“Do you know where he is?”

“No. He’s far better at disappearing than we are at tracking him.”

The air between us is so thick and heavy with tension that I feel like I’m suffocating. I open my mouth to try and say something else, to ask any other question, but the words catch in my throat. None of them seem right. None of them can cut through the feeling in my gut that… Well, that Leia doesn’t like me. That my boyfriend’s mother probably blames me for him running away. If I can still even call him my boyfriend. If I still even want to. That’s another question that’s too painful to think about. 

“I don’t think I’ve seen my son quite that happy or content in years,” Leia finally breaks the silence for me, offering an open door into a conversation. “And when Han told me that you and Ben were getting along extremely well in class, I wasn’t sure what to make of it.”

My cheeks heated up red, wondering if Mr. Solo had been referring to that one day in shop class. The one with the flirting and hand touching. 

“You have to understand,” Leia continued, “my hesitation when it comes to you. And Ben.”

“Lily.”

“Far before Lily. He was so angry, so hurt. Every time I tried to reach out to him, he would just push me away. Everything that happens to him, affects him so greatly. He never just cracks, he shatters. He doesn’t just like, he loves. Deeply.” Leia shakes her head as my stomach turns and twists at her words. “Maz told me what happened, from what she knew. But I would like to hear it from you.”

“I… I don’t know.” The memories were locked away, hidden from sight. “I asked him to stay. I asked him to not leave me and he still left.”

“He always comes back.”

I shake my head, not able to meet her eyes. “He still left.”

“Rey, I know that look on my son’s face. He didn’t want to leave you. He looked like he was on a mission. He told me he had something to do and that he would be back.”

“He still left!” The words echoed through the living room, leaving only silence. “I’m sorry- I- Thanks for the hot chocolate.”

I set my cup down and stood to leave. 

“Rey-”

“I’ll see you Monday.”

“You can always come over.” Leia finished. 

I only acknowledge her with a terse nod and quickly leave the warmth of the house for the cold streets. The grey fuzz in my mind had burned away to reveal a sea of contradictions, of anger and worry, love, and painful loneliness. 

In this entire week, I had only been able to focus on the fact that he was gone, that he had left me. Not why. Somehow, that made everything hurt worse. He was going after Snoke alone. He left before I could convince him otherwise. He left to keep me safe, but it didn’t matter. He still left me when he promised that he wouldn’t. 

I should leave him too. I should pick up my things and walk away and never look back. But I can’t. Because if Leia was right about him, she was right about me. I don’t just break, I shatter. I don’t just like, I love. Deeply. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Ben will be happy one day, I promise! They're slowly being sucked down the rabbit hole. There's a lot more angst, but also some fun times coming up. ;)


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “All I want is nothing more  
> To hear you knocking at my door  
> 'Cause if I could see your face once more  
> I could die a happy man, I'm sure  
> When you said your last goodbye  
> I died a little bit inside  
> I lay in tears in bed all night  
> Alone without you by my side  
> But if you loved me  
> Why'd you leave me?  
> Take my body  
> Take my body  
> All I want is  
> And all I need is  
> To find somebody  
> I'll find somebody”
> 
> \- All I Want, Kodaline

Each of my phone calls went straight to voicemail, each text remained unsent. Ben’s phone was either dead or purposely turned off. Neither option sat well with me. I put my phone away but left it on loud in case he called back. I had a feeling that he wouldn’t. 

I had no way to get to the warehouse that we visited the night of the Homecoming dance. I had very little knowledge of any of Snoke’s hideouts in Republic. Ben had been very meticulous in letting me know specific locations and names, damn him. He probably didn’t want me doing… Well exactly what I was doing. He couldn’t have gone far. He probably was still in city limits, and that realization hurt worse than finding him halfway across the country. He was close, but not close enough. 

My mind races with thoughts during my sleepless nights. Was he waiting until the meeting to make a move? Had he already made a move on Snoke? Was he dead in a cooler at the bottom of a lake somewhere? My heart seizes with fear as my head latches onto the worst-case scenario. I cling onto his shirt, but it’s not enough. The scent of him has worn off, and I find myself crawling out of bed and walking out into the freezing night air. Over the fence, up the trellis, through the window. 

Ben’s room is dark but warm. It’s never been this dark before. He’s always had a light on of some sort. I find the switch for the bedside lamp and flip it on. The room lights up with the soft yellow light. It looks almost as if he could come home at any time, climb through the window, and find me already there. 

I run my hands over the books on his bookshelf, the records and CDs and tapes scattered throughout his room. There are little signs of all my good memories scattered around. The tapes we listened to as we talked quietly each night, the books he would point to and talk about. It had been such a short time to know him, to be with him, but it felt like I had known him a thousand lifetimes. My fingers come away chalky from the jagged holes in the wall.

His desk was scattered with drawings still, and I could tell that some of his things were missing. Notebooks, pencils. All gone with him. I carefully look through the drawings, scared that if I mess it up too much I’ll lose a little bit more of him. I shift a drawing of a rose a little bit and a familiar face smiles at me from beneath it. It takes me a second to realize that the face looking back at me is my own. I’m smiling or laughing at something and I look… Happy. Beautiful, even. It’s not any picture of myself that I remember, so he must have… He must have drawn it from memory. 

The pain of it is so sweet that I have to cover up my face with the rose drawing again. I keep shifting through the papers, not really sure what I’m hoping to find. Buried at the bottom of the pile of drawings is a dark drawing, mostly black charcoal, but I can still make out the dark outlines of trees. A forest, a white swath of snow, and cracks like roots in the ground. Walking amongst the cracks, a masked man in black carries a woman in white, limp in his arms. 

The paper falls from my hands. 

How did he? Where? Why?

I snatch the paper up and stare hard at the man in the picture. The masked man from my dreams. The man who took off his mask and revealed himself as Ben. The same face as Ben. I never told Ben about him. I never told anyone about him. There was no way that Ben could know about the masked man unless, well, unless he had those dreams, too. It wasn’t uncommon, was it? For two people to share dreams?

My hands shake as I back up to sit on the bed. Somehow it was all connected. It had to be. These dreams, the masked man and Ben. It felt like. Well, it was hard to put into words. 

Like glimpsing into another life. A past life. 

I didn’t believe in reincarnation. Not really. I didn’t believe in anything, and I doubted that this was much of a question of religion. Maybe it was premonitions? Sights of the future? That sounded even more ridiculous than sharing a dream. 

There were so many more things it could be. Maybe we both watched some random, long-forgotten t.v. show and the image of this man stuck around in our heads and we just happened to start dreaming about him at the same time. 

That didn’t sound realistic either. 

It was more realistic than dreaming of a past life. 

As much as it scared and interested me, it wasn’t going to help me find Ben again. He had to have left something behind right? I set the drawing down on his bed and tucked my hand under his pillow. My fingers brushed against the hard edge of a knife and I grabbed it, falling to the floorboards and quickly wedging up the wood and looking into the hiding spot. 

It was empty, save a small note with my name on it. I picked it up with trembling hands and carefully opened it. His message was hastily scrawled on to sketch paper. 

_ Rey.  _

_ Please forgive me.  _

_ I have to do this. You’ll never be safe if he’s still around. _

_ I hope that you’ll forgive me for what I’ve done and what I’m about to do.  _

_ Don’t come looking for me. If all goes well, I’ll come back. _

_ I love you,  _

_ Ben _

I reread the paper once, twice, three times until my tears blurred my eyes and made reading impossible. I fell back in his bed, crying as I held the note in my hands.  _ Fucking bastard.  _

I fell asleep cursing his name and wishing he would come through the window to hold me again. I had to find him. I had no choice now. 

I awake groggily to the sound of a door squeaking open and a quiet murmur of, “Yeah, Maz. She’s here. Nope, Ben’s still gone.”

I shoot up at the realization that bright morning sunlight was filtering through the window. It was far past the time I usually snuck back to my bedroom, which meant- My horrified eyes meet the amused grin of my shop teacher. 

“And I just woke her up.” He chuckled into the phone, “Yeah I’ll send her over after breakfast. You like eggs, Rey?”

“Uh… Yeah.” Heat rose in my cheeks and I looked down to see that I was very obviously wearing one of Ben’s old shirts and- The floorboard. Shit. The floorboard. 

“Oh, yeah. Coulda guessed that one. Teenage boys aren’t the smartest peas in the pod. My old hiding place was in the floorboards, too. Called it my smuggler’s hole.” Mr. Solo chuckles. With that, he disappears down the hallway, leaving me to consider jumping out the window or eating breakfast with my shop teacher. 

My boyfriend’s dad. 

I groan and fall back against my pillow. Something crunches underneath of me and I shift to pull out Ben’s note and the drawing. I stare at them for a moment, then carefully fold each piece to fit in the pocket of my pajama pants. The delicious smell of eggs and bacon waft through the house and I’m instantly drawn down the stairs to the kitchen bar top. 

Mr. Solo is in the kitchen, already in his greasy white shirt and jeans that he wears every day, only now he has a ‘Kiss the Chef’ apron thrown over it. The sight is a little hysterical, but the nervous butterflies in my stomach keep me from laughing. 

“I knew it. I knew the smell of bacon would keep you from crawling out the window.” Mr. Solo turns and hands me a steaming plate full of bacon and eggs and slightly burnt toast with butter. “Coffee?”

I nod eagerly, my stomach rumbling, and dig into the eggs. By the time he’s back with my coffee, I’ve already devoured half the plate. I stop for a sip of the black coffee and Mr. Solo raises an eyebrow at me. 

“Is Maz feeding you over there?”

Embarrassment colors my cheeks faster than I can try to hide behind my coffee cup. “Yeah… I just like food.”

_ And I’m still not used to having it around all the time to access whenever I want or need it _ . I left that bit out. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep. I mean, usually-”

I stop myself realizing my blunder with horror. “Shit.”

Mr. Solo only gives me that casual semi-lopsided smile. “Don’t worry about it, kid. Your secret is safe with me. You missed him.”

It wasn’t a question, but I nod slowly anyway. “It’s been really hard to sleep. Was Maz mad?”

“No, just worried. She seemed to know exactly where you probably were.” Mr. Solo leans back against the counter and I get the feeling he’s studying me as I finish the rest of my plate. “You’re good for him, you know. I hope he isn’t being an ass.”

I nearly spit out my food. “NO. Well, not until recently. He’s been a gentleman.”

Mr. Solo snorts. “Well, you can thank Leia for that. She at least taught him some manners then. Probably best that he doesn’t have his father’s way with women.”

I cock my eyebrows, but I can see it. Mr. Solo, the handsome, charismatic teenager. Probably up to no good. Probably trying to seduce Leia Organa, the good girl with the perfect grades. Cocky, full of himself, stubborn, but annoyingly charming all the same. “I wouldn’t say that completely.”

“Is that boy at least using protection?”

I nearly threw my coffee across the room from jolting so hard. This is not what I wanted to be talking about at 7:30 am before school. I sputter, “I- We- Nope. I mean yes. I mean we haven’t- Shit.”

The sound of Mr. Solo’s laugh could fill an empty stadium. I’m blushing furiously and a little pissed off now. “Not like he’s here anyway.”

My little mumble cuts off the rumbling end of his laughter and my throat tightens at the silence that follows. “Sorry-”

“Nah, you’re right.” There’s a dark sadness in Mr. Solo’s eyes that I understand, but not completely. “Do you know what he’s doing?”

I shake my head. I didn’t, not really. I didn’t know where he was or if he was okay or even if he was alive anymore. It seemed as if Mr. Solo didn’t know either. The remainder of my eggs and bacon no longer looked appetizing. 

“I wish… I wish he would have told us about you, Rey,” Mr. Solo says slowly like he’s not used to saying things like that. “But I get- I get that he doesn’t trust us. We’ve damaged that bridge beyond repair I think.”

Ben hadn’t talked much about his parents, but I knew enough to know that he was angrier at himself than he was at them. That they tried, but they just didn’t understand. Every action was a misstep that drove them further apart. 

“I don’t know a lot about my parents,” I say. “I can kind of remember my mother, I think. I mostly remember her walking away as she abandoned me in a junkyard. And still, even though she abandoned me and probably went off to overdose on drugs in an alley somewhere, I still wanted her to come back. I wanted that for a long, long time. I still want it sometimes. She didn’t want me. She tossed me away like junk. But you want Ben. You won’t toss him away, and I think he knows that.”

Silence hung heavy in the air for a moment after that. It was the first time I had spoken aloud those words, and it felt like a huge weight lifted off of me. 

“I think you’re right, kid. And I think I know why he likes you so much.” 

_ Loves me.  _ I brush my fingers against the note in my pocket.  _ He said he loves me.  _

“You should get going. Told Maz you’d be over there to get ready for school. Don’t want the principal angry with you. Or me.” Mr. Solo winked and the tension in the room disintegrated. 

I leave my plate and get up to go, but Mr. Solo stops me. “Why don’t you come on over tonight and have a meal with Leia and me. We could use the company.”

“Okay.” I twist my hands in my shirt nervously. 

“Oh, and use the front door this time.” There’s a grin on his face that eases my anxiety, but only just so. I have to stop myself from running out said front door, but I’m so ready to leave that I hit my hip against a solid wood display table on my way out. This was not how I thought meeting the parents would go. Or how my first relationship would go. Or dinner with the parents.  _ Let’s just throw out the whole book on dating while we’re at it. Not like it was ever normal in the first place.  _

I entered Maz’s house cautiously, expecting to find her very pissed and very much ready to ground me. Instead, she’s sitting on the couch, a coffee in her hand and the morning news on the TV. I’m not sure what to do, so I head for the stairs to go up and change. 

“Rey.”

I freeze at the sound of her voice and turn slowly, not looking in her eye. “Yes?”

“I would appreciate it if you would be in bed in the morning. It’s much easier to have plausible deniability when my daughter starts asking questions about her case.”

I nod slowly and brace myself to meet her gaze. “Okay.”

“Did you have a good breakfast with Mr. Solo?” She asks. I still can’t get a read on her, though I don’t think she’s angry or upset. Just stuck in an intolerable indifference. It angers me more than it probably should, but it’s an anger that I push down and push away. She cared for me. She fed me. I didn’t have any right to be angry with her.

“He invited me over for dinner tonight.”

Maz hums in approval. “Go on, get dressed.”

I hurry up the stairs and throw on clothes for the day, thankful that I showered last night instead of in the mornings like I usually do. I pull out jeans and a sweater and transfer the pieces of paper from my pajama pockets to my jeans. 

Ben really shouldn’t have told me to stay out of it. He especially shouldn’t have implied that there was a chance he was not coming home. It was enough to pull me back into myself and ground myself in my reality. Ben was out there and I needed to be by his side whether he liked it or not. 

And if he was still in town, that meant he was hiding out somewhere. Somewhere like where he and Lily used to hang out. And if I was right, that meant I needed to talk to Poe. Just thinking about him made my stomach boil. Maybe I should talk to Finn first. Finn was the only one I could fathom talking to about all of this. He was close to Poe and Rose, but I had never been that close to him. He seemed nice and understanding, but also like he could be convinced to not tell Rose and Poe, at least for a little while. 

Maz drives me to school in a silence that seems carefully designed to torture me. I make my way through the morning, avoiding Rose and Poe and Finn until just before lunch when I grab Finn’s arm on his way to lunch and pull him into an empty classroom. 

“What the hell- Oh, Rey.” There’s a look in his eye that very much looks like he wants to run away, but it’s quickly replaced with concern. “Are you okay? What the hell happened? Why haven’t you been talking to us? Is it because Poe punched Ben? I tried to hold him back in the hospital I swear-”

“He punched Ben in the hospital?”

“Uh… Yeah.” Finn slows down enough that I can collect my thoughts again. “You didn’t know? We kinda assumed that he was just laying low for a bit.”

“No, I didn’t know,” I say softly. “I fell asleep and he was there and when I woke up he was gone. He must have gone and talked to Poe then. What happened?”

“He came up to us and, at first, I kind of thought that he wanted to get into a fight with Poe for hurting you. But, then, I dunno. I kinda realized that he just wanted to talk to Poe, that he was trying to make amends. It was really intense.”

Everything about Ben was intense. But he was trying to make amends with Poe. Without me asking. Without me trying to force the two of them to behave like I thought I was going to have to. “But Poe wasn’t ready to listen.”

“Can you blame him? He thought Ben killed his sister. He didn’t want to listen, but I tried to get him to do at least that.” Finn explained. “Ben seemed really honest. He wasn’t lying. Wasn’t trying to explain away things. He even said that it was his fault she was dead.”

“And that’s when Poe punched him?”

“No. It was over you. Again- Not that I blame you at all,” Finn quickly added. “Poe was trying to get Ben to stay away from you and Ben said that that wasn’t his choice or Poe’s choice, that it was yours. That he wasn’t going to leave you unless you asked him to.”

I suck in a gasp at his words. 

Finn raises his eyebrows then shrugs. “I know. Didn’t really take Solo for a feminist, but his mom is Principal Organa.”

“Why did he leave then?” The thought was more towards myself than aimed at Finn, but he answered anyway.

“I don’t know. He seemed pretty adamant that he wasn’t going anywhere at the time.”

Something had changed between Finn and Poe and the time that he got to my hospital room. But it almost didn’t matter, not right now at least. He was still gone and I still needed to find him. 

“I don’t want to talk to Poe, but I need to find Ben. And I think he’s still in town, just hiding somewhere. Maybe somewhere that him and Lily used to stay.”

“Do you think he’s using again?”

Terrible images of Ben suffering alone in a cold, dark room fill my head and I’m struggling to breathe again. “No. I don’t. No.”

“Then what? What’s going on, Rey? You’ve been driving us crazy. Rose especially. She thinks she’s the reason all of this happened. She thinks you hate her.” Finn’s voice raises and I glance at the door, but no one comes in. “Just talk to us, Rey. We care about you. We’re worried about you. We want to know what’s going on and we want to help. And frankly, I can’t take any more silent lunches where Rose and Poe are just poking at their food anymore.”

His outburst leaves me reeling. I step back trying to regain some of the distance I had fought so hard to build. There was one of my daily headaches building at the top of my head. “I know. You’re right. I haven’t been… Well, I haven’t been in a good place mentally lately. It’s easier to push everything away than it is to deal with it upfront.”

“Then take it slow. Come have lunch with us.”

Anxiety curls in my stomach, but I take Finn’s outstretched hand anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for all of the amazing comments on the last chapter <3 y'all are so kind! We're getting closer to the end of part one so stick around!


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Don't you know I'm no good for you?  
> I've learned to lose you, can't afford to  
> Tore my shirt to stop you bleedin'  
> But nothin' ever stops you leavin'  
> Quiet when I'm comin' home and I'm on my own  
> I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that  
> I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that  
> Don't you know too much already?  
> I'll only hurt you if you let me  
> Call me friend but keep me closer (call me back)  
> And I'll call you when the party's over”
> 
> when the party’s over, Billie Eilish

That was the beginning of the most awkward two meals of my life. 

I follow Finn to lunch. His hand in mine is the only thing keeping me from running away. Poe and Rose sat at a table by themselves. Rose’s leg is shaking so hard I could see the table moving from across the room. Poe looked as if he hadn’t slept in days, but then again, neither had I. 

They don’t look up as Finn and I approach the table until Finn clears his throat. Rose leaps to her feet at the sight of me and pulls me into a hug. I jump back, a little startled, but then settle into her hug. 

_ They wanted me? They actually cared? Rose wasn’t mad?  _

I glance at Finn and he only shrugs. Rose peels herself away from me after a minute, her eyes wet with tears. My eyes meet Poe’s and I give him a little nod. His shoulders slump and he lets out a breath that he’s been holding for a while. 

“Uh…” I glance between the three of them. “I’m going to go get food.”

“Will you come back?” Rose asks. “We don’t have to talk or anything. I know we messed up and god I was such a bitch. And Poe feels horrible about it. We all do.”

“Rose…. I’d really rather not get into this today. Not when… not when Ben is still gone.”

“You still don’t know where he is?”

“Babe-“ Finn tries to stop her. 

I shake my head. “He had things to take care of. He said he would be back.”

The entire lunch room goes quiet as Poe’s tray hits the wall beside him. All the eyes in the room are now visibly on us. Poe’s chest is heaving. 

I stare hard at him, all the rage and sleepless nights building in my chest. “Goddammit, Poe!”

The entire lunchroom now is so quiet that I could hear a pin drop but I’m done. I’m tired of giving shits and lying and hiding. 

“I get why you’re angry, Poe. I get it. I really do. But goddammit he’s the only one in this world who understands me. He makes me so happy and frustrated and safe and felt and known and you don’t get a fucking say in that, okay? Cause I’m not Lily, okay? Do you understand how fucking guilty he feels? He kills himself every goddamn day over what happened to Lily and all he’s been trying to do is fix it. Because she came to him for help and he failed her. Because he loved her. Because he fucking loves you, Poe. I don’t know what happened between you and him, but it doesn’t fucking matter. Because you- both of you- need to find a way to move on. I’m done. I’m so done and tired. And I just want him and you and Rose back.”

“I kissed him,” Poe whispers. “We kissed- I…”

I take a deep shuddering gulp of air. I’m crying and I didn’t even realize I had started. Rose and Finn look between each other with confusion on their faces. No one seems to know what to do with Poe’s confession. 

It’s Rose who finally breaks the silence. “Oh, Poe. Why didn’t you tell us? You know we would still love you, right?”

Poe’s hands are shaking uncontrollably. I go to say something, anything, but Poe looks up and his eyes connect with Finn’s. Poor Rose seems completely unaware of the look the two boys share. 

“Rey, Finn, Poe, Rose.” I turn to see Principal Organa standing patiently behind us. Her hands are neatly clasped in front of her. Her face is calm, but her lips are pursed. “Please come with me.”

The four of us follow her out of the cafeteria. As soon as we’re out the door, the cafeteria erupts with noise. We walk through the halls and my stomach is rolling with anxiety. 

She takes us to her office and we all sit down in front of her desk to await judgment. 

“Are we in trouble?” Rose asks quietly. 

“No… No, Rose you’re not in trouble. None of you are.” Principal Organa smooths out her structured grey dress and takes a seat. She takes off her glasses and carefully sets them on her desk as she collects her thoughts. “I know that this year has been rough. On all of us. But that is no excuse to throw a tray or start a fight in the cafeteria, Mr. Dameron. Fighting each other will only make things much worse. And none of you at all deserve the wrath of each other. Rose, Finn, that is all I have to say to you. You may leave now.”

Rose and Finn leave the room quickly, casting worried glances back at Poe and I. Principal Organa waits until the door has latched shut before taking another deep breath. She doesn’t speak for a moment, instead she stands and walks around to the front of her desk to lean on it. The guard she wears as principal drops and suddenly I can see the woman. She ages in a second, and exhaustion clouds her eyes. 

Poe’s eyes are aimed directly at the floor. He’s still shaking, but it’s evolved into a quiet anxiety that I was very familiar with. I want to reach out, to hold his hand, but I keep my hands firmly in my lap. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to forgive him. I wasn’t sure what my feelings were at all at the present moment. 

“If you two know anything at all about where my son is or what he is doing, tell me. Now.”

I glance at Poe but he still hasn’t moved. 

“Rey.”

“I don’t know where he is.” That’s the truth. “I don’t know what he’s doing either.”

That’s sort of the truth. I had no idea of his plans, but I knew what he wanted to do. Stop Snoke. Take him down. My heart raced with the idea of what he might do to accomplish that. The realness and weight of it all clenched my lungs in its mighty fist. My throat began to close and my heart began to race. 

_ It’s just a panic attack. It’s just a panic attack. Don’t hyperventilate, just breathe, dammit.  _

“I don’t know where he is. I don’t. I think he’s somewhere still in town, but I don’t know. He- he left me. He left me because of both of you, because of me, because of all of the bullshit that he’s gone through. That we’ve all gone through. And he’s just trying to make it right. He’s just trying to make all of us feel better, can’t you see that? Can’t you?” 

I want to shake Poe until he understands, I want to rip Leia’s office apart until she feels the rage of her son again. 

“Rey, take a deep breath.” Leia reaches out to touch me and I snap. 

“Don’t touch me.” The chair falls with a bang behind me. The noise is enough to bring me back to my senses. “Please, don’t. I just want him back. I-I’m scared and I’m confused and I’m hurt and I’m tired. I’m sorry, Poe. I’m sorry for yelling at you. I’m sorry about Lily. I’m sorry about whatever happened between you and Ben that led to all of this. But you don’t get a choice in my actions or feelings.”

Poe nods miserably. He doesn’t say anything.

“Principal Organa- Leia- I think I’ll take a raincheck on that dinner tonight.”

Her lips are pursed again, but she doesn’t push the subject further. “Okay. Friday night then?”

I nod and walk out of the room, leaving Poe and Principal Organa behind me. Finn and Rose are waiting outside of the office, but I don’t stop to talk to them. Outside, the sky is dark and grey as the first snow of winter gently drifts down.

The first two days of snow don’t stick, but by Friday there’s a thick layer of white covering every available surface. Thanksgiving break has come, and we are afforded a week off for the holiday. I was supposed to be working ahead on all of my homework, sure and steady, to have all of it done by the end of the semester, due to my concussion. My days were a steady combination of headaches, drugs, and random bouts of dizziness while my nights were filled with nightmares spent running from the masked man. 

He may have revealed himself to me as Ben, but that was not the Ben I knew. The mask and the face haunted me, and the visual of it all on paper was all too much to comprehend. Even just trying to make sense of it all was enough to make my head throb with pain. And with my increasing anxiety, my brain was a frantic ocean of chaotic thoughts that crashed into me and pulled away before I could comprehend them all. One by one, I began to pluck those thoughts out of my head and put them on paper. 

Here were the facts as I knew them. Spelled out as simply as I could muster. 

Fact number one: I had nightmares. And in these nightmares, I was being hunted by a man in a mask, who I could speak to sometimes, and who had revealed himself to have the face of Ben Solo. The real Ben Solo must have also seen the masked man before as evidenced by the drawing. 

Fact number two: Ben Solo was pulled into a gang to sell drugs after an incident involving a kiss (or possibly more) with Poe Dameron. Lily Dameron, Poe’s twin sister, became hooked on spice, and Ben, while being forced to work for the main supplier of spice in Vermont, tried to help Lily get off of spice. This eventually resulted in her death. Her death caused Ben and Poe to spiral. Poe grew angry and Ben… Ben must have started using spice as well based on what Poe had said and Ben’s comment about spending summer in rehab. Now, Poe and Ben are at war with each other because Poe blames Ben for Lily’s death. 

Fact Number three: I came into Maz’s home and immediately befriended Rose which turned into also becoming friends with Finn and Poe. I hear the story of Lily’s death, stumble into Ben at a party, and decide to worm my nosy ass into his life to help Poe. This results in me going to a party at the Cantina, where I am attacked by a man working for Snoke. He tells me that Snoke knows who I am. That I am important. 

But why?

Was the universe really so cruel to play these games and tricks with me? Was I just a pawn in some master plan? If so, there were pieces of that plan that I had yet to see. 

Fact Number Four: Something big was going to go down on the 30th. And if I hadn’t heard anything about him by now, that was probably what Ben was waiting for. Today was the 20th. I had less than ten days to find out where Ben was hiding and what he was going to do. Whatever he was going to do, I was going to do it too. 

But tonight, I had another challenge to work out. Dinner with my missing boyfriend’s parents. 

That was a first. 

I knock hesitantly on the front door and it swings open a moment later, to a surprisingly cheery Mr. Solo. He doesn’t look much different than he does at school; his hair is a little more slicked back and he’s wearing an unbuttoned red flannel. Same roguish smile, same easy and charismatic demeanor. There’s a worry behind his eyes, but he hides it well. 

“Hey, kid. Nice to see you can use the doorbell.” 

We have dinner at a table with room for four. Chinese take out. Apparently neither of them cook very well or very much (though Han claims to throw the best barbecue in town every weekend in the summer). We laugh and talk, but there’s a big gaping hole where Ben is supposed to be. We all feel it. 

After dinner, Han shows me his vast collection of Sci-Fi movies and regales me with the stories of comic-cons and sci-fi conventions of the past. 

“We used to dress Ben up all the time. He… Grew out of that pretty quickly.”

At the mention of that, Leia pulls out a giant photo album and we sit on the couch to go through them. Han picks out a movie and goes to make popcorn. There’s pictures of baby Ben, all cute and chubby and walking around in a diaper. Another in some sort of strange alien costume as Leia holds him. She’s also in costume complete with insane, permed hair. 

“He was the baby alien from Alien. So cute.” Leia smiles. 

“I’ve never seen it.”

“You’ve… What?” Han is standing in the doorway with a bowl of popcorn. His jaw practically touches the ground. 

“I’ve uh… Never seen Alien. Or a lot of Sci-Fi movies for that matter.”

“Well, you’re gunna see it now, kid.” Han goes back to his collection to pull out  _ Alien _ . “Seriously. My kid’s gunna date a girl who doesn’t know what Alien is?”

“Oh, hush, Han. Not everyone is a dinosaur like you,” Leia laughs.

Han and Leia fall into bickering as the movie (on VHS!) starts playing. I sit there watching and listening to them, giggling and laughing. I want Ben to come in from the kitchen and say something snarky and kiss me on the forehead and sit down beside me. I want to cuddle up to him and steal his popcorn while we watch the movie. 

That doesn’t happen. As much as I want him to walk back through those doors, I know it won’t. So, instead, I curl up with a blanket and a popcorn bowl of my own. Han sits beside Leia and puts his arm behind her shoulders. 

There’s a small comfort inside of me. I’m no longer standing on the outside looking in. Ben will come back. We both will. I’ll make sure of it. It’s possible. 

It’s possible. 

It’s all possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My anxiety has been top of its game lately, so I'm definitely on the same page as Rey this chapter.
> 
> I also watched The Princess Bride today and realized that Inigo Montoya has a "Hello There" Obi-Wan Kenobi moment and now I really want a mash-up of that. Does it exist already? If not, it should.
> 
> Also- 100 Kudos?!?!? What!???! That's amazing. Thanks for reading :)


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You taught me the courage of stars before you left.  
> How light carries on endlessly, even after death.  
> With shortness of breath, you explained the infinite.  
> How rare and beautiful it is to even exist.  
> I couldn’t help but ask  
> For you to say it all again.  
> I tried to write it down  
> But I could never find a pen.  
> I’d give anything to hear  
> You say it one more time,  
> That the universe was made  
> Just to be seen by my eyes.”
> 
> -Saturn, Sleeping at Last

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: weaponry

The dreams come in fractured pieces, like walking through shards of glass; I can see each reflection, but not myself. 

Distant worlds. Distant galaxies. Distant realities.

Each shard is moving past me, or I’m moving through them. I can’t really tell. One of us is moving, but I have nothing to gauge the movement off of. That is until I see the mirror. The shards of glass explode from it, racing quickly by me, but missing me completely. 

There’s a path to the mirror that I walk. I reach out through the darkness and touch the tips of my fingers to its broken surface. The shards of glass freeze, hovering for a moment before racing back instantaneously to form an uncracked mirror. Time has reversed itself. 

When I look through the glass now, I see myself. Though, it isn’t me exactly. She’s me but older, harder, angrier. She wears strange clothing: tan soft looking pants, grey boots, a white top with strange white ribbons hanging from her shoulders. She carries a staff in her hand, not of wood, but cobbled together from metal parts. 

“Who are you?” Her voice ripples through the glass and echoes in my ears.

“I think… I think I’m you.”

“Are you the darkness?”

“The darkness? No. I don’t think so. I don’t know where I am.”

“I’m in the mirror cave.”

“The mirror cave?” I look around. “I’m looking at a mirror. And it’s very dark here.”

She nods. “I must ask Master Luke about this.”

“Then you don’t know either. What is happening? I know that these must just be dreams, but I think Ben is having them, too. Do you know where he is?”

“Ben?” The woman’s face flares with anger. “What is that murderous snake to you?”

Murderous snake? “He’s… Well, he’s my boyfriend.”

“You are the darkness.” The woman hisses, and before I can even say more, her staff swings for the mirror. Shards of glass explode from the mirror and I’m knocked back with them by an invisible force. The glass cuts at my skin as the shards turn to stars in the sky. 

I’m floating. There’s a strange ship below me, like a round saucer. A bright blue light comes from it’s edge, blinding me. When I look again, I am deep within a rainforest, staring up at the sky. A falcon flies overhead and my eyes track it. It’s important. A warning. Danger is coming.

_ “We should exchange numbers. So that if anything happens you can let me know. And any pictures you get, you can send them to me and I can have a backup. And we should have a code word so that if you’re ever in danger I know that I should call the cops.” _

_ “Right. Smart.” Ben pulls out his phone and we exchange numbers. “What should the code word be?” _

_ “Uh… What about… Falcon.” _

I wake up panting and my feet move before my brain can tell me where we’re going. I throw on my heavy jacket, pants, and boots and sneak out of my room. It’s only when I grab Maz’s keys that I understand what’s happening. Ben is in trouble. Right now. I have to find him, no matter the consequences. 

I run outside into the slushy roads and jump into Maz’s car. She was going to kill me. I’d be shipped off again for sure, but that didn’t matter. Not if Ben was in danger. I put the keys in the ignition and turn the key. 

The car roars to life and I’m terrified of Maz bursting out of the door to stop me, but nothing happens. I place the car in reverse and pull out onto the streets of Republic. I’m not sure where I’m heading, but I let my body take over and just try to not concentrate on the fact that this was only my third time of driving a car, ever. 

It’s two am. The day after Thanksgiving. If I’m pulled over, I’m as good as a dead-woman walking. I cross into the South part of town, and I roll through a residential street. Most of the lights are out. There’s no one around. But he’s close. I can’t explain it, I just know that he is. I park the car and get out, walking until I stop. 

The house in front of me looks to be abandoned. The yard is overgrown. All of the windows are boarded up. There’s even yellow caution tape strung across the door. It’s the kind of house that goes unnoticed, unseen. 

I jump the chain link fence and walk up the path to the front door. The rotting wood of the floorboards creak under my weight. I try the door knob, and to my surprise, the door swings open. 

The inside of the house is dark. The only light leaks in from the dim streetlights through cracks in the windows. It takes a second for my eyes to adjust. I close the door quietly, unsure if I should call out for Ben or just stay quiet. 

A dog barks in the distance, and there’s a low hum of wind, but the house itself is incredibly quiet. It didn’t seem like there was anyone here. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe this was just a random abandoned house and I had come out here for no reason. My gut fought back against that idea so strongly it couldn’t be true. 

But guts are wrong sometimes. Maybe I was just hoping for the impossible. I pass through the kitchen, deciding to make one pass through the house just to make sure. It’s bloody freezing in here, even without the wind.

_ Oh, Ben. Have you been living like this all this time?  _ I finish my inspection of the downstairs and come to the bottom of the staircase to the upper floor. I ascend, my boots loud and heavy and mixing with the creeks of the wood beneath my feet. If there was anyone in here, they would definitely have heard me by now. 

Sure enough, I get to the top of the stairs and a floorboard squeaks beside me. I freeze. 

“Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t shoot you right now.” The voice is low, husky, familiar. 

“Ben?”

“Jesus Christ.” A gun disengages and there’s footsteps before a light clicks on. He’s standing in front of me with dark, tired eyes and unwashed hair and dirty clothes and I want to cry I’m so happy to see him. 

I cross the hall in two steps and throw myself around him. “You’re okay. Thank the gods, you’re okay.”

“I’m so sorry, Rey. I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to leave you. I had to. I had to do this. I still do. You have to go, Rey. You can’t stay here. You can’t be a part of this.” He clings to me at the same time as he’s trying to push me away. 

“I’m already a part of this, Ben.”

“No, Rey. Bobby Fett, the guys at the party, they’re nothing compared to Snoke. You don’t understand- How did you find me?”

“I don’t know how I found you. I had a nightmare and I saw a Falcon. And I knew you were in danger and I knew I had to get to you and I somehow knew exactly where to look.”

“Like that night in the Library.” Ben whispers, his hands gently pushing the wild strands of hair out of my face. 

“I don’t understand that part. I don’t understand any of this, but I knew I had to find you. I guess I was wrong though.”

Ben swallows, his eyes drifting away from mine. “I’m okay, Rey. But you need to go, please.”

“I can’t. I won’t. I’m involved, too. More than you think. That night… In the library. Bobby Fett knew me. He knew who I was.”

“And if I didn’t have excruciatingly exact orders to bring you in without a scratch on you, sweetheart, I’d kill you right where you stand.”

My blood runs ice cold at the sound of the voice behind me. In the midst of being reunited, neither of us had noticed the three men coming to the top of the stairs and waiting to make their grand appearance. I stare into Bobby’s face, seeing the man so many of my nightmares had been composed of. Ben’s hands are holding tightly to my waist, but there’s nothing he can do.

“Thanks for making this easy, sweetheart.” Fett grins as I realize that I had led them straight to Ben. How could I have been so stupid? “Now, why don’t we put down that gun there and go have a little chat with the boss man.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the brief delay, I was dealing with some mental health fun and in a bit of a writing funk! I dyed my hair and it’s all better now (lol). Jokes aside, mental health is no fun and can really mess up a lot of things in life. So, for now, Enjoy this chapter. The next one will probably be up sometime in the next few days.


	23. Chapter 23: WARNING

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Whatsoever I've feared has come to life  
> Whatsoever I've fought off became my life  
> Just when every day seemed to greet me with a smile  
> Sunspots have faded and now I'm doing time  
> Now I'm doing time  
> 'Cause I fell on black days  
> I fell on black days”
> 
> \- Fell on Black Days, Soundgarden

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ********************* TRIGGER WARNING ******************************
> 
> Explicit suicidal thoughts, Interrupted Suicide Attempt
> 
> If you would like to not read this chapter, please skip to Chapter 24.

After a week of the cold, Ben had accepted the numbness of his body, the stabbing cold that pierced his skin. He welcomed the pain of it all. He deserved the aching in his bones, the dull pounding in his chest. 

He had hurt her. He had hurt her in the worst way possible. Everything he touched always disintegrated into pain. Everything he touched ended up hurt or dead. Every ounce of happiness he could find in the universe was always returned with a pound of darkness.

Poe. 

His parents. 

Lily. 

Rey. 

The world was better off without him. Rey was better off without him. She could still hear her as she cried out in her sleep. She was scared of him. Her nightmares were of him. He was the monster that kept her awake at night. He was the monster that couldn’t even kill his own nightmares to save her from her own. He had been a fool to try and go after Snoke. He had too many people under his control, too much power. The drug lord was untouchable. 

> _"And you are weak. Pathetic.”_

Flashes of memories haunted his waking thoughts nearly as much as the masked man haunted his nightmares. 

> _He watched as the lights of the ambulance were shut off. The covered stretcher gently lifted into the vehicle. Poe was screaming. Screaming and throwing punches at the cops who tried to hold him back._
> 
> _Ben couldn’t feel anything._
> 
> _Everything ripped from him. Everything always was._
> 
> _Lily was gone. And it was his fault._

Ben gripped the edges of the porcelain sink until the edges cut into his fingertips. 

> _There were a few people at the pub, too many for the middle of a Saturday. Two beefy bikers eyed him suspiciously as he opened the door to the First Order Bar._
> 
> _The inside was hazy with cigarette smoke. The very best of Republic’s low lives littered the booths and bar seats. All conversation had stopped the moment Ben slammed the door behind him._
> 
> _A tall, pasty man with red hair and sunken eyes stared at him from behind the bar. “Boss wants to speak with you.”_
> 
> _Ben could barely hear him. Everything was tinged blood red. He wasn’t even sure how he got there. All Ben could feel was anger, hatred. All he wanted to do was wrap his hands around that man’s throat. Ben crossed the bar and burst through the doors of the back office._
> 
> _Snoke sat at a huge wooden desk, papers spread all around him. A cigar hung out of his scarred lips. “Young Solo… Your anger betrays you. Have you come here to kill me?”_
> 
> _Ben stops in his tracks. He had. He had come here to squeeze the life out of the man who had taken everything from him. “You deserve nothing but death. You’ve taken everything from me. EVERYTHING. She’s dead! Because of you!”_
> 
> _“So, go ahead, my son.” Snoke holds his arms out and leans back. “No one will stop you, least of all me. Let the rage and anger consume you.”_
> 
> _Ben let out a brutal cry and sent his fist through the wall. He pulled out his bleeding knuckles and grabbed the cabinet beside him and pulled. Papers flew and glass shattered as Ben destroyed the office. Snoke sat calmly in his chair, watching him with interest. Ben fell to the floor when there was nothing left to destroy. Blood seeped from his hands and a gash on his cheek._
> 
> _Snoke rose from his chair. He moved like smoke around the desk to Ben’s side. “You are weak. So blind in your affection for others. Don’t you see that you only hurt them? Don’t you see that caring will only tear you apart? You are nothing but a child. Weak and mewling. I am not the cause of Lily’s death. You are.”_
> 
> _Ben stared at his hands. The pain felt good, a euphoric bliss through his body. He deserved the pain._
> 
> _“I can make you strong.” Snoke’s voice slithered through his thoughts. “I’ve been watching you… So much potential. Let go of your past. Kill those who would kill you. I can make the pain go away.”_
> 
> _“What do I do?”_
> 
> _Snoke’s lips curled into a smile. From his pocket, he produced a small round pill. “Here. Try. It will help.”_
> 
> _Ben stilled as the man pressed the pill to his lips. Slowly, his lips parted to accept the pill. Ben swallowed, tears racing down his face._

Ben’s fist collided with the mirror in front of him. Glass shattered around him as bright red blood seeped from his knuckles. She couldn’t see him like this. He couldn’t let Rey know how damaged he truly was.

> _Snoke sighed, letting a long stream of smoke curl from his twisted mouth as darkness overtook Ben. “I have missed you. We will take care of you now. See how forgiving I am? You try to kill me, take me down. And yet, here I am offering you everything. That is what you want? Isn’t it? Power. Control. You’ve always hungered for it.”_

Ben gripped the gun in his hand and stared at the boy reflected back in shards of glass.

> _He dreamed of her then. A woman he did not know yet. Her smile. Her eyes. The freckles spread across her cheeks. The warm bliss of her just being near him. She was so close he could almost reach out and touch her. She was so good. So kind. So unafraid of him. It was impossible to stay away from her._

She had screamed his name and he had run away.

> _Time and space seemed to stretch out in front of him. A hundred thousand lifetimes and she was in all of them, reaching for his hand._

She wouldn’t now. She was lost to him.

> _Ben reached back and fire consumed him. He was screaming, falling, the flames melting away eating at his skin. The pain was so bad he saw red. And in the flames, a man watched him. He wore a mask, black and uncaring. The man’s hands rose to remove the mask and Ben looked away from what he saw._

His mind shattered with the pain of every mistake, every fuck up, every door slammed, every word stabbed. He’d make it right. He’d make it okay. 

> _The man staring back at him was himself. Scarred. Rage consumed. Ben looked back and he was the man himself, looking down at a pale, weak child. Let go. Let go of the past. Kill it if you have to._

His hand shakes as he raises the gun. 

> _Ben sees red as he strikes down the child._

Below him, somewhere in the house, a door creaks as it swings open. His heart races as he shuts off the light. Had Snoke’s men found him? Were they coming for him? He should just… He should… He leaves the bathroom and heads to the edge of the stairs, looking down into the darkness of the house below. Someone is walking around down there. They’re bound to come up the stairs eventually. 

Time ticks by slowly as he listens to the footsteps. Whoever it was, they were moving cautiously. There was only one of them, from what Ben could tell. He carefully moved into the bedroom closest to the stairs, hiding himself to surprise them at the top. Tentative footsteps made their way up the stairs and paused at the top. Ben raised his gun. “Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t shoot you right now.”

“Ben?”

“Jesus Christ.” He nearly collapses at the sound of her voice. Ben flipped the light on and set the gun down, trying to hide the shards of glass and blood on his hand as Rey, sweet, beautiful, amazing Rey, collapsed into him. For a second, he doesn't believe what he's seeing or feeling. She’s here. 

She’s here.

She came for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you or anyone you know is struggling with mental health or suicidal thoughts, please know that you are not alone. Seriously. I'm in the same boat and I know how much mental illness can suck. I always encourage speaking openly about mental illness, but I also like to note that I am not a mental health professional or hotline. Ben and Rey's experiences are based on my own and my understanding of mental illness, but mental illness can look different from person to person. Please, feel free to use the comment section as a place to tell your story if you so desire. 
> 
> If you need help, there's always someone available. If you can't get through on the national helpline (1-800-273-8255), I would recommend looking up suicide hotline services in your state or province. They can sometimes be less busy and more able to help (Remember to stay on the line as you're in a queue!).
> 
> And as always, if you are in immediate or imminent danger please call 911 (or your national emergency service). 
> 
> Stay safe out there. May the Force be with you <3
> 
> P.S. Go read 'only child of the universe' by steelandtemper!!!! It is so incredibly, amazingly good. I love it so much.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “We laid our names to rest  
> Along the dotted line  
> We left our date of birth  
> And our history behind…  
> Our backs against the wall  
> We're surrounded and afraid  
> Our lives now in the hands  
> Of the soldiers taking aim…  
> So we found our way back home  
> Let our cuts and bruises heal  
> While a brand-new war began  
> One that no one else could feel  
> Our nights have grown so long  
> Now we beg for sound advice  
> "Let the brokenness be felt  
> 'Til you reach the other side  
> There is goodness in the heart  
> Of every broken man  
> Who comes right up to the edge  
> Of losing everything he has"
> 
> \- Mars, Sleeping at Last

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Assault, Death

They walk us down the stairs, and I’m praying to unknown gods that Ben doesn’t try something incredibly stupid. There’s a gun to my head, and my hands have been bound behind my back with thick, black zip ties. I think-no- I hope that’s enough to keep him in check as we walk out of the house and climb into a black van. 

“Sit.” Bobby waves his gun at the floor of the van and I comply. Ben joins me, immediately getting in the best position he can manage to protect me. There’s a fire in his eyes, raw and scary and barely contained. 

But I’m… Calm. 

How am I so calm?

Am I supposed to be this calm?

The door of the van slams shut and the wheels start turning. Bobby Fett is watching us with a smirk across his face. I glance at his free hand and see that it’s still heavily bandaged. He sees my own smirk and his own disappears. He mumbles under his breath and I can’t hear it, but it doesn’t take an expert to know what he was saying about me.

I glance at Ben and I can see him thinking. His eyes meet mine and I give him a little shake of my head. It’s such a narrow, confined space. They’re ready for us to try and run. And if we try, one or both of us will get shot. Too risky. 

He seemed to understand, or at least come to the same conclusion. 

We drove for a long time, longer than I thought we would. We were far out of town now, somewhere in the countryside. It was too dark out the windows for me to tell, but there weren’t any streetlights anymore. The road was bumpy. We cross two bridges and I count my breaths, trying to keep panic from flooding my system.

The van finally grinds to a halt and the van door slides open. Before I can do anything, Bobby grabs my arm and yanks me out of the van. A strangled yell comes from behind me as something or someone hits me and Bobby and I go tumbling to the ground, crashing across gravel. Bobby scrambles to his feet beside me as I struggle to turn over with my hands bound. Ben is laying on the ground, bleeding in the light of a parking lot flood light after tossing himself out of the van. Bobby yells into the sky, seething and foaming at the mouth.

“Grab him.”

Fett’s two buddies grab Ben’s roughly by his arms and haul him to his feet. Ben’s eyes flicker to me. 

“Run, Rey. Go.”

“No! No.” 

I’m helpless as Fett grabs Ben’s shoulders. Ben struggles against the men, yelling at me to run. But I can’t. I can’t move. I can’t do anything but watch. In one swift movement, Fett drives his knee into Ben’s ribs. He would have fallen to the ground if it wasn’t for the men holding him. He’s telling me to run and I’m screaming as Fett drives his knee into Ben’s gut again. 

I push to my feet, running between them as Bobby takes a step back. Bobby’s eyes go dark at the sight of me, but I hold my ground, daring him to come closer. 

“Run, Rey. Run, please.” Ben pleads behind me. I wasn’t going anywhere. I wouldn’t leave him. 

Bobby spits on the ground, pacing. It’s only then that I realize he has a gun in his hands. He knows he can’t hurt me, but I can see how much he wants to. He grabs my arm and drags me to the door of the warehouse. I only have a few seconds to take in the nondescript grey warehouse and the miles of forest all around us. The van squeals away as Fett shoves the warehouse door open. 

The warehouse is completely empty and brightly lit. In the middle of it is a low black car with tinted black windows. As we approach, the driver’s door opens. Out of the driver’s seat climbs a familiar, skinny, pale, red-haired man. The one from the party. He’s wearing a chauffeur’s cap now, but the same all-black suit and shiny black shoes. If he recognizes me, he doesn’t show it. 

The man walks around to the back passenger seat and opens the door mechanically, standing at attention as he does so. At this angle, all I can see are a pair of polished back shoes, the cuffs of a black pair of pants above them. A bony hand with incredibly long fingers grabs the edge of the door as the man inside pulls himself out of the car. I see his face and I stop. Bobby yanks on my arm and I yank back trying to run. His grip is too strong. 

_ This can’t- this can’t- this isn’t real. This can’t be real.  _

Flashes of my nightmares raced through my head and it’s his face staring back at me. Twisted flesh and beady eyes. Snoke was the evil in my dreams. How had I not seen it before?

He’s barely feet away now as we’re thrown to our knees on the ground. Ben is pale with rage and shaking beside me. His eyes are laser focussed straight ahead.

“Ah… Benjamin. Finally, come home?” Slow, purposeful footsteps bring the man closer to us. “And you brought a friend. A very special friend, if I’m not mistaken.”

Cold, pale fingers reach out and brush against my cheek. I raise my eyes to the monster’s before me and refuse to break eye contact. 

“Don’t touch her.” Ben lunges at Snoke, but Fett’s goons grab him and throw him to the floor before he can do anything. Ben struggles against them helplessly.

Snoke motions quickly and the goons bring Ben to his feet. The twisted man looks Ben up and down, his mouth drawn in a permanent sneer. Long, knobby fingers reach up and grasp Ben’s face, forcing him to look up. My stomach curls and I think I’m going to be sick. 

“Oh, I won’t. She’s far too valuable. You on the other hand… Oh, I had so much hope for you. The grandson of Vader. The only true heir to everything I’ve built. But you are weak,” Snoke spit. “Pathetic. Did you think you could escape me? Did you think that you could hide? Did you think you could forget about me? You are nothing without me. You are nothing without what I can give you.”

“Stop!”

All eyes turn to me. The two men glance back at Snoke and he raises a hand to stop them. 

“You want me. I know- I know you want me. If you want me, Ben comes, too. Do that and I will come quietly. Whatever you want me to do, I’ll do it willingly.”

“No, Rey!” Ben struggles against his captors, but I ignore his cries, holding my gaze steady. Snoke looks over me with cold, uncaring eyes. 

“Gag him.” There’s a scuffle as the men force something into Ben’s mouth. Snoke’s attention never wavers from me. “You have no idea who you are, do you? How valuable you are?”

My heart is racing in my chest. “No.”

“You, my dear, are Kyra Palpatine. Daughter of Soel Palpatine, head of the largest supplier of Spice on the Eastern Seaboard, Heiress to his Empire. Twelve years ago, when your mother left you in that junkyard, I knew that my chance was far too valuable to pass up. So, I placed you with one of my men, Plutt. He was an oaf, but the only one in the system. After you exposed him,” Snoke sneered in disgust, “And that bitch Holdo stepped in, we lost you in the system. And then you turned up again at none other than Cantina, my own residence. You will be returned to your father- daddy’s lost little girl returned home. And I will be the man who made it happen. If you say anything, your precious boy will be shot and left in an alley.”

“I don’t believe you.”  _ It couldn’t be true. I was nothing. No one. Left in a junkyard to rot.  _

“I thought you wouldn’t. So I asked your father for proof, and now seeing you, I believe it will be irrefutable.” Long, pale fingers dip into the inner left breast pocket of a finely tailored suit and pull out a plain envelope. “Release her.”

Bobby’s hands grab my arms and pull me to my feet. I feel metal against my skin and a snap, then my hands are free. Ben yells through the gag in his mouth. As I reach out to take the letter, my hands are shaking. 

_ Lies. It could be all lies.  _

_ It could be a family.  _

_ It could be the answer to everything.  _

I open the envelope. 

Inside is a single picture. A woman smiling in a hospital bed, a newborn baby in her arms. All air escapes my lungs.  _ She looks like me. That’s my mother. That’s… Me.  _

“You will come with me and you will board a plane. That plane will take you to your father. And our deal will be brokered. You will come willingly, or he will die.”

“He comes with me.” I look up from the picture. “He comes with me or my father will not be very happy with you.”

Snoke stares at me a moment then laughs. “You really are your father’s daughter.”

My whole body goes cold. 

_ “Stay here, my ray. Stay here. You’ll be safe here. Remember what I told you.” _

_ “My name is Rey. I’m three years old. My mommy left me.” _

_ “Good. Good, my ray. You’ll be safe here. They’ll find you here soon. Okay? Don’t move. Don’t leave. My love, my ray of light…” _

“What happened to my mother?” I grit my teeth.

“Your mother?”

“My mother.”

Four shots ring through the air. I watch as Snoke’s face goes slack, as his body crumbles before me. Hux stood behind him, a gun in his hand.

“No… No…”

He knew everything I had ever wanted to know. He knew her. He knew my father. And he was gone he was… 

Another shot rang out from behind me and Hux stumbled backward before quickly raising his gun and firing again. I screamed at the shot, turning to see Bobby fall to the ground behind me. 

“Rey!” Ben spit out the cloth in his mouth. Both of the guys holding him were dead on the ground.

My feet find me and I run over to him. His hands are bound still and I quickly pat down one of the dead men for a knife. A moment later, Ben’s hands are free and holding on to me, moving all over, and checking for injury. “Are you okay? Are you hurt?”

“I’m okay,” is all I can manage to say. 

Shuffling footsteps approach us. 

I look up to see the red-haired man stumbling towards us, a hand pressed to his abdomen. Ben catches the man just as he stumbles again.

“Hux. Hux, I’ve got you.” Ben lowered the man to the floor, pressing his hand to the wound. I kneel beside them as Hux sputters, blood dripping from his lips. His blue eyes flash from Ben to me. “Hang on. We’ll get you help. Okay?”

Hux shakes his head. His eyes stop on me. “Run. Hide. Find… the Wookie. He’ll be... hunting you… Just like... he hunted…. Your mother.”

Hux gasps for breath as blood leaks out over his chin. I take the lapels of his suit jacket in my fists. “Who is she? Where is she? Tell me!”

Hux goes limp in my hands. 

“Rey. We have to go. We have to get far away from here. Now.” Ben’s hands gently wrap around my wrists and pull my hands from the deadman’s jacket. He pats Hux down until he finds the keys to the car, a phone, and a wallet filled with cash.

“Where will we go?”

We couldn’t go home. Not now. 

“Somewhere no one can find us.”

In the distance, the wail of sirens pierced the air. Ben held out his hand and I took it. Together, we race to the car. Ben jumps in the driver’s seat and me in the passengers. The tires squeal as we drive out of the warehouse and into the darkness of the night. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope y'all enjoyed this chapter! Poor babies can't catch a break, but they'll have a little downtime coming up soon. I hope this didn't disappoint! We've still got a long way ahead of us to go. 
> 
> Thank you all so much for all the amazing comments you've been leaving. I will do my best to reply when I have the mental and social capacity, but just know that I love them and they give me life <3


	25. Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Send your dreams  
> Where nobody hides  
> Give your tears  
> To the tide  
> No time  
> No time  
> There's no end  
> There is no goodbye  
> Disappear  
> With the night  
> No time  
> No time  
> No time  
> No time  
> No time”
> 
> \- Wait, M83

We drive all night in silence, even as both of us are falling asleep at the wheel. We are parted by just the center console, but it could have been an ocean. As much as I want to bridge the gap, to feel his steady touch again, I can’t. I don’t speak. I can’t speak. I can only watch the road ahead and wait for the sun to rise. 

I can only keep surviving. 

In less than an hour, Maz would be getting up for the day. She would make herself a pot of coffee and sit on the couch to watch the morning news. Soon, she would come upstairs to see if I was awake and realize that I wasn’t home. She would call Mr. Solo or Principal Organa, but they would say I wasn’t there. She would try to call me next, now full of worry, but it wouldn’t matter because my phone had died a while ago. Maybe she would try calling Rose or Finn or Poe. Maybe she had Ben’s number. But none of that mattered. Rose and Finn and Poe didn’t know where I was. And Ben had left his phone in the house he had been squatting in. 

At some point, Maz would realize that her car was gone. That would be when the real alarms would be sounded. But that wouldn’t matter. They would find her car on the street on the southside. There would be no clues of where I had gone. If they found the abandoned house, they would find Ben’s things. 

The police would handle it as a troubled foster kid who ran away with her boyfriend. They probably wouldn’t give it the time of day. Especially when Vermont’s main dealer of Spice shows up dead in a warehouse. Bigger fish to fry and all that. 

None of it mattered anyway. There was nothing the police could do, unless Ben and I were tied to Snoke’s murder. Unlikely, as it was an open and shut case. Disgruntled employee turns on his boss. Or maybe, undercover operation goes wrong. That was the only thing that made sense, given the secret meeting that I witnessed at the Cantina. That giant bearded man must have been Hux’s handler. CIA? FBI? 

Maybe I had seen too many spy shows in my life.

As for two missing minors, that technically wasn’t true anymore. I stared down at the photograph of the smiling woman and baby. It was dated as October 30th, 2000. One year before Rey Niima was supposedly born. Kyra Palpatine was 18. And Ben Solo’s birthday was… well. Today.

“I forgot to get you something.”

“What?” Ben shifts as I stir him from his own thoughts. 

“Your birthday. I forgot to get you something. I was so mad at you for leaving, and then when I realized why… I was still mad, but I was so, so worried. And I couldn’t eat and I couldn’t sleep and I couldn’t breath,” I fight back the tears in my eyes as Ben’s grip tightens on the steering wheel. “And I forgot to get you a present.”

“I… Don’t like presents.”

The laughter escapes my lips like a bubble from one of those fish tank treasure chests. As soon as it happens, I shut my mouth, but the pressure builds up until all the bubbles burst forth in a raucous never ending stream. Tears roll down my face as I double over laughing. Ben is staring at me like I’ve gone insane. Maybe I have. 

“It’s all just so fucked up, you know?” I wheeze, trying to stop my laughter and catch my breath. “We almost die and we’re on the run and I’m worried about your birthday.”

I hold a deep breath and catch Ben’s eye. He’s bewildered and confused and concerned and I burst out laughing again. The corner of his lips quirk up in a grin and he starts laughing too. The first rays of sun come over the horizon and I think we’ve officially lost it. 

My laughter falls to silence, falls to only tears, hot on my face. The light of day brings with it harsh realities that I can only contemplate. I wish that it all only met that I was running away. I wish that this was the stuff of humored fantasies, daydreams, a way of letting go of the life that I had so often wanted to remove myself from. 

I was still running. 

All of the answers were behind me, dead in a warehouse.

The rational part of me told me that I would never let myself go to the man behind it all. My father was dangerous. My mother had given me up to keep me from him. The only way forward was to honor that. To run and hide. 

For so long I had only wanted answers. Why was I abandoned? Who were my parents? Why didn’t they love me? Why did no one want me? Was there really something so wrong with me?

Now that I had some of the answers, I only wanted them returned to the darkness. I only wanted to hide them from myself once more. 

I could pretend. 

For a moment. 

For a while. 

I could pretend that this was nothing more than a brash decision. 

The choice of two teenagers in love, stealing away to somewhere distant. A crazy spur-of-the-moment decision fueled by hormones and horrible self-control. We were only star-crossed lovers. Romeo and Juliet stealing away into the night, no poison or knives needed. We were safe together. We were bound by the cosmos and so intrinsically linked that no distance could part us. Our story remained the same. 

“Where are we going?” I whisper. 

We drive until the car begins to run out of gas. The world around us is starting to wake up again. We’ve gone northeast out of Vermont, headed towards Maine. 

“We should ditch this car.”

I agree with Ben. This was Snoke’s car and if Hux was working for the government as Snoke’s chauffeur, then everyone would know exactly who this belonged to. 

“Find the bad side of town.” We pull onto potholed streets covered with slush and drive until I find what I’m looking for. A junkyard. A rundown shop. Chain Link fence with tarps covering it. “There. Pull in.”

Ben glances at me, but does as I say. He puts the car in park and I put my jacket back on. “You’re not going in without me.”

“I am. I’ll be fine. Wait out here. I’m serious, Ben. I can handle it.” I get out of the car before he can say anything and pull my hood over my head. 

The door of Hutt’s Junkyard rings as I open it. The lobby smells of old cigarettes. There’s peeling wallpaper and yellow tile flooring with broken edges. An old TV plays staticy soap opera reruns, but there’s no one watching it. There’s a familiarity to it all that stings.

I ring the bell on the counter and wait. After a moment, there’s a grunt and loud shuffling as an incredibly overweight balding man with greenish skin comes walding in from the back. He’s wearing greasy sweatpants and a stained wifebeater that forgot what white was a long time ago. He gives me a look over and scowls. “What d’ya want?”

“A trade. Nothing too flashy. Just something that runs. Something detailed.”

The man sucks in a nose full of snot and looks down his nose at me as he takes a seat. The stool groans under him, threatening to break beneath him at any moment. “Detail is extra. I’ve got an old chevrolet. Heat and AC are broken, but the engine is fine. What do you have in return?”

“Luxury. BMW. It will need to be scrubbed. But the parts alone will more than make up for the Chevrolet and your silence. Do we have a deal?”

Vacant eyes narrow, then he nods and grunts, “Bring it around. Side gate.”

I leave the lobby and hury across the parking lot to Ben. 

Within minutes, we’re back on the road in an old Chevy pickup. It eats gas like nothing else, but it runs and the plates are clean. At least, if Mr. Hutt is to be trusted. We stop at a run-down gas station to fill up the tank. Ben runs inside to grab blankets and those hand warmer things and some food. 

We travel up the coast of Maine stopping only for a little bit for me to stare out at the ocean. It’s the first I’ve ever seen of it. The vast expanse of blue takes my breath away. We can’t stay long though, and the weather is starting to turn. 

After a while, we leave the coast and head North towards the border. The towns and cities are further and fewer apart here. There’s already a layer of snow on the ground and the sky is turning white with an incoming storm. The interstate gives away to the highway gives away to back country roads and small, quiet towns. We stop at one just to gather more supplies, mainly food and water. Wherever we were going it was going to be for a couple days. 

By the time we pull onto a small, narrow drive covered in snow we’ve driven for almost eight hours. We’re in the middle of nowhere. The driveway leads up to an old hunting cabin by a large pond. Ben puts the car in park and hurries out to open up the doors of a small shed. We pull in and park.

Snow is just beginning to fall as Ben fishes a key from the rafters of the shed. I follow him, shivering as we cross the yard and he opens the door to the small cabin. The inside is musty. Everything is covered in a fine layer of dust and dirt and it’s just as cold in here as it was in the truck. A fireplace rests against the back wall. Near it, on the left side, sat a full sized bed. On the right side was a table and chairs. 

One corner was walled off, presumably a bathroom. The last corner was a small kitchen. None of the lights work. The electric bill probably hadn’t been paid in a long time. So there was probably no heat or water either. 

Ben immediately starts trying to make a fire while I poke around the kitchen and storage. There’s cans of beans and a few other things that haven’t expired yet. I even find a trunk of sheets and clothing that looks like it’s from the 70s and 80s. As I peel off the dusty sheets of the bed, Ben finally gets the fire going, with the help of a piece of flint and a knife and some wood that’s probably been drying for ten years. 

I sit on the bed and watch him as he carefully stokes the fire. I should be pissed at him for leaving me. 

But right now I can’t find it within myself. 

I only want to be held. 

I only want to know that I’m okay. That we’re okay. That I’m not alone. 

He’s avoiding me though. Each move is tentative, each touch is short, only what’s necessary. I can’t say that I’m doing much better. 

The fire catches and the logs quickly begin to burn in earnest. Ben sits there for a while, his eyes boring into the flames as if they will have the answers he wants. Neither of us has slept much in the last day, or the past week, I guess. There’s dark bags under his eyes that are the result of more than one sleepless night. The rest of his face is a molted rainbow of old and fresh bruising. I’m sure by the tender way he moves that his ribs aren’t doing much better, nor are his hands. 

“I’m not mad at you.”

“You should be.” He sounds so tired. So defeated. 

“I should be. You left me. You left me when I asked you not to and you promised that you wouldn’t and you still left me.”

He doesn’t answer. He just stares into the fire. I feel as though I’m losing him, but I don’t know how to get him back. 

“I don’t care though. I don’t care as long as you come back to me.” I cross the room to the fire, sit beside him, and hold my hands out to the flames. “What happened? Between seeing Poe and coming back to my hospital room. Why did you leave?”

“I hurt you. It’s all- it’s all my fault Rey. Every time I’m with you, you get hurt.” Ben’s voice breaks. 

“It’s not your fault, Ben.”

“But it is!” Ben stands, pacing the cabin, his hands racing through his long hair. “I took you to Cantina. I let you get involved. You got a fucking concussion because of the fight between me and Poe. And now, now we’re stuck in my Uncle’s backwoods cabin in the middle of nowhere because-”

“Because my father is the leader of the biggest drug cartel on the East Coast.” I stand to face him. “I wanted to get involved. I went to Cantina with you because I wanted to. And what if you weren’t there? Huh? Snoke would still have gotten his hands on me. He still would have sent me off to my father. And I would be alone and none of this makes any sense and I just want you to fucking hold me. Please.”

Ben stops in his pacing and stares at me. My heart is racing nearly as much as my mind is.

“I’m so scared, Ben.”

He crosses the room in two steps and I’m in his arms in an instant. Warmth and the smell of him crash over me. Here, I am safe. Here, nothing else matters. His lips brush the top of my head gently, peppering kisses over my hair. I lean into his broad chest and wrap my arms around him. 

“I’ve got you, Rey.”

As much as I want to stay like this forever, my thoughts never stray far from the reality of it all. There was so much I wanted to ask him, so much that I needed to know. “We should talk. About it all.”

“That will take some time,” Ben hums. 

I glance around at the darkening, dusty cabin. “I don’t think we’re short on that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure why but this is one of my favorite chapters. Maybe it’s because the babies are finally back together! Coming up next- some time alone to sort out everything and earn that ‘E’ rating (!).


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “When will I feel this
> 
> As vivid as it truly is
> 
> Fall in love in a single touch
> 
> And fall apart when it hurts too much?
> 
> Can we skip past near-death clichés
> 
> Where my heart restarts as my life replays?
> 
> All I want is to flip a switch
> 
> Before something breaks that cannot be fixed
> 
> I know, I know the sirens sound
> 
> Just before the walls come down
> 
> Pain is a well-intentioned weatherman
> 
> Predicting God as best he can
> 
> But God I want to feel again”
> 
> \- Touch, Sleeping At Last

“This place was Luke’s?” I lay on my back next to a roaring fire, staring up at the dust, cobwebbed rafters. I’m tucked against Ben’s side in the crook of his arm. For the first time in hours I’m warm all over. Outside, the storm was bearing down on us; winds whipped around the cabin making the wood creak. It was set to be a proper nor’easter, according to the radio. Even if someone was trying to find us, they’d have a damn hard time trying to even get out the door right now. We were stuck here for now. 

“Yeah, he lived out here for a while in the 90s after my grandfather died. No one knew where he was at first until Leia found him. Then he decided to be a therapist. No one has really been here much since. I doubt they even remember they own a cabin.”

“So we’re safe out here?” 

“As safe as we can be.” 

He was hiding something, I could tell. Something dark and painful. I knew I couldn’t coax him out of it tonight. 

“Your parents know about us.”

His eyes widened and he looked down at me. “They do?”

I nod, turning over on my side to rest on top of his chest. Ben grunts with pain and I shuffle until most of my weight is off of him. “I was… Missing you. I don’t know how I ended up at your house, but your mom saw me outside. She invited me in for hot cocoa. Maz told her about the hospital incident. And your dad told her about that day shop class.”

I watch as Ben remembers that day and the corner of his mouth moves in the faintest expression of a smile. It’s not much, but it’s there, so I continue. 

“I guess she kind of put together the pieces. She wanted to talk about you. She said that she had never seen you so content or happy. She tried to tell me that you would come back. That you always came back, but I was so hurt and upset that you left that I yelled at her.” 

I watch Ben’s eyelashes flutter. He’s staring up at the ceiling, so distant from me. Worlds apart though he’s right here. 

“Then I couldn’t sleep. I kept having nightmares, but you always make the nightmares go away. And I thought that if I could get close enough to you maybe they might go away. So, I climbed through your window and found your note in the floorboards. Then, well, I fell asleep in your bed and I guess that I hadn’t slept so well in so long that I slept in. I woke up to your dad on the phone with Maz telling her that I was in your room.”

Ben huffs a soft laugh and I giggle. “I almost jumped out the window, but he offered me eggs and bacon. And we talked about you and he said he wished you had told him about me. They love you, Ben. They love you so much.”

“They shouldn’t.” Ben whispers. 

“Ben…” I want him to look at me, but his eyes close instead, as if he’s trying to block out memories.

“Can we… Not talk about them? Or Poe? Or Lily? Or the hospital? Any of it?” He opens his eyes and I can feel the pain tearing him apart. I nod slowly. He feels so far away and I have no idea how to get him back. We lay by the fire until the cabin is warm enough to move to the bed. I take off my jeans and pull out a musty pair of boxers from a drawer and a big t-shirt. When I turn back around, Ben is sitting at the edge of the bed, staring at the floor. There’s no life left in him. 

My bare feet trace a line to him and I reach out to capture his cheeks in my hands. I lift his eyes to mine, staring into deep, sad depths. He wants to pull away, but I don’t let him. 

I press a gentle kiss to his temple, his cheeks, his nose. When I reach his mouth, he’s waiting for me. His lips are warm and tender.  _ Come back to me. Come back for me. _ I pull him deeper into my kiss, nibbling gently on the soft skin of his lips. My whole being cries out for him like a fire cries for air. Strong hands grab my hips and pull me into his lap. We crash together slowly, a wave against the shore, as I pull him back to me. 

We break apart gasping. Every inch of me feels his touch, every inch begs for more. He’s still somewhere else. 

“Be with me, Ben, please. Stay with me. Don’t leave me.” My desperate words come out as whimpers. In an instant, a bat of an eye, a flicker of flame, something within him changes. His lips crash against mine, reaching for me. My hands find his jaw, find the nape of his neck. A soft groan escapes his lips as I weave my fingers through his hair and gently pull him into me. His hands press into my hips, pulling me closer to him as a fire between us builds. Ben’s tongue explores my mouth greedily. 

It’s not enough. It’s never enough. From the first time he touched me, I needed more. I need him now as much as he needs me. I kiss him deeper, trying to breathe life back into him, trying to tell him with my fingertips that he’s here and I’m here and I’m not leaving. 

Warm hands slip under my shirt and trace paths of fire up my spine. I break away for only a moment, taking the hem of the giant t-shirt over my head. The material pools on the floor beside the bed. I don’t feel nervous or scared. Not even as his warm brown eyes look at me. They’re filled with astonishment and hunger and need and something else. Something special. I’m not sure what it is, but I know that no one else has looked at me that way. Not the way he does. 

We pause in that moment in time, breathing and living an infinity in those seconds. I raise my hand to his face. My thumb brushes over the soft skin of his lips. I try to memorize the way the light from the fire makes his skin glow and his eyes turn more amber. I try to memorize the soft lashes that frame those eyes, the pink of his lips, the way his hair falls. I want to remember what he looks like when he looks at me like this. 

I want him more than anything in this world. I want the long nights, the parents, the anger, the tears. I want all of it as long as it comes with him. I want to tell him-

“I love you.” His voice is soft against the crackle of the fire, the roar of the wind. “I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.”

“I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all are ready for the long hall :) part two will be just as long, if not longer than part one! There’s still a lot to uncover and a lot more Ben and Rey to love ❤️ I can’t thank you all enough for the love and support you’ve given this work.


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Candy  
> She's sweet like candy in my veins  
> Baby, I'm dying for another taste  
> And every night my mind is running around her  
> Then it's getting louder and louder  
> Baby you're like lightning in a bottle  
> I can't let you go now that I got it  
> All I need is to be struck  
> By your electric love  
> Baby, you're electric love  
> Electric love”
> 
> \- Electric Love, Børns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Sex (Consensual)

There’s a lot of things about that night that I didn’t expect. I didn’t imagine I would be on the run from one of the biggest Spice Dealers in the United States. I didn’t expect that man would be my father. I didn’t expect that I would be stuck in a cabin in the middle of nowhere Maine in one of the biggest storms to hit the East Coast in decades. I didn’t expect that I would lose my virginity to the man I loved in the middle of it while wearing my therapist’s old, holey t-shirt and boxers. I don’t think anyone could have expected that. 

Luckily for me, the t-shirt and boxers don’t stay on long. I can’t think about that right now. Right now, all I can think is…  _ Yes. More. Please.  _

The bed squeaks as Ben picks me up in his arms. I’m weightless to him. His lips never leave mine until he turns. I yelp and giggle as he throws me onto the bed and crawls between my legs. Soft lips trail sweet kisses down my neck and over my collarbones. Each kiss is followed by “I love you”, each whimper from my lips is preceded by a nibble of teeth against my skin. The pain is sharp and sweet, like biting into a fresh raspberry. My hands find the edge of his black t-shirt and I pull it over his head. I groan at the sight of his bare chest. My fingers trace every line of muscle, every freckle, every kissable inch of him. I see the bruises forming over his ribs from Fett's attack and I’m reminded to be careful.

We come together like it’s the last night we have on Earth. 

His warm tongue traces over my collarbones and down my sternum. He’s teasing me. Just as I’m about to call him a bastard, his tongue passes over my nipple and I crumble. A shockwave of pleasure crashes through my system. I’m lost in the feeling of him. Every time I think my body has reached its limit I fall over the edge and find a new one. He’s fire and life and solid, grounding darkness. 

“Need you.” Ben’s breath whispers against my skin. 

“Then have me.” 

His lips leave my breast and I whimper as his lips trace further down. His tongue is filthy and hot as he passes over my ribs and down my stomach. I’m shaking as he lowers himself between my thighs. Heat and curling lust build in my core like a tightness that threatens to burst at every touch, growing until I can’t contain it anymore. I squirm and his hand comes away from my thigh to rest on my abdomen, firmly pressing me down into the bed. A deep, incredible, surprising pleasure uncurls at his action, but I need him. I need him so badly to touch me and I whimper as nothing happens. 

My eyes flutter open and I look down at the most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen. Ben’s eyes are huge and dark and full of need. He’s looking up at me from between my legs, so close I can feel his hot breath against my skin. His dark, thick hair is mussed and untamed and I want nothing more than to curl my fingers into it and pull him closer. 

“Please, Ben.”

His eyes flash darkly and my head falls back as his tongue sweeps over my folds and around my clit. I nearly come from just that, just the wet heat of his tongue against me. He doesn’t stop, messily swirling his tongue and dipping between my folds, each heady action goes straight to my core and I come harder than I ever have before, shaking against his still roving tongue and firm hand. Stars and light burst behind my eyelids as my fingers curl into his thick locks and pull. His moan is absolutely filthy and I’m already on my way to another orgasm. 

I pull again and this time he leaves my legs, climbing back up to me. Our lips crash together and all I can taste is warm, wet, salty Ben. Me. I’m tasting me. A moan escapes my chest against his lips. 

“You taste so good,” Ben mutters against my lips. I whimper, keening into him. His fingers dip between my legs and swirl around my clit before dipping inside of me. I grind against his fingers, panting for more. “You’re so wet for me.” 

“More.” I whimper. “Please.”

“I like it when you say please.” Ben’s face softens as our eyes meet. “Are you sure, Rey? It’s so… We’ve been… I’ve never...”

I run a finger across his lips, feeling the warm soft skin. I know what he’s trying to say. We’ve been through so much. We were almost killed and now we’re being hunted and we’ve run away from home. 

“We don’t even have condoms, Rey.” 

I bite my lip and smile, gently pushing him off of me. I’m completely naked as I walk across the room to the bags of supplies we had picked up. Among them, pads… And a package of condoms. I pick them up and turn around. Ben’s eyes go wide. 

“I… Was thinking about your birthday and… They were right there. And I thought maybe… I don’t know.” A heated blush filled my cheeks. 

“How are you so fucking amazing?” His smile fills the room and my heart relaxes a little bit. It’d been so long since I had seen that smile.

I open the package with shaking fingers and pull out a condom wrapped in green foil. I leave the rest of them on the counter and shyly make my way back over to him. I run my fingers nervously over the edge of the package, not quite wanting to meet his eyes. What if I wasn’t good enough? What if what he wanted was one and done? What if it was bad? 

“Rey.” His fingers brushed against my wrist and curled around my waist. I looked down into his warm, dark brown eyes. He’s so earnest and open and honest I forget how to breathe. 

“Yeah?” I furrow my eyebrows. 

“We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. It won’t change anything about how I feel about you. I don’t care that it’s my birthday. I’ve always hated my birthday anyway.” 

“Don’t you… Want to?”

He laughs. “Fuck, Rey. Of course, I want to. I’ve wanted to since I first saw you at that party. But I don’t want it unless you really want it.” 

I bite my lip and brush my fingers over his jaw, his lips, his cheek. He closes his eyes and shudders and presses closer into my touch. “I want it. I really, really want it.”

His eyes flutter open as I take my hand away and kneel between his knees. I can see the considerable bulge in his pants, even in the dim light of the fire. I brush my fingers against it, very curious and slightly terrified and, yes, there’s that heat pooling between my legs still. Ben groans. He looks half in ecstasy, half in pain. I fumble with his button and zipper and he shifts his hips to let me pull off his pants. He’s wearing black underwear and it’s the last thing standing between me and… Him. What if-?

I gently press my lips to his clothed length and smile at the ungodly sound that comes from Ben’s lips. He smells warm and a little musty, but in a good, heady way that makes my mouth water. 

“Rey, I- I’m not going to last long if you keep this up.” Ben’s words came out as heavy pants. I bite my lip and look up at him through my, catching his eye as my fingers find his waistband and pull. “Fuck.”

I’ve never seen a dick up close until Ben. I’ve never wanted to have one anywhere near my face until Ben. Now I want it everywhere, all over, in me, in my mouth. I wanted to know if he tasted as good as he looked. I’ve completely forgotten about the condom.

Is he even going to fit? What do I even do?

“I want to… How do I? I’ve never...” Embarrassment floods my system. He was so confident going down on me. And here I was bumbling over it. 

“Do you… Want me to teach you?” Ben’s words are strained and heavy. 

I look up at him and nod. He wets his hand on his tongue and grasps himself with it. A shiver escapes me as I watch him. He gives himself a pump then looks at me. I catch up, wetting my own hand. He gently takes my hand and guides me to his length. A gasp escapes both of our lips as I wrap my fingers around him. 

“A-A little more. Pressure. Good- Fuck, Rey- good.”

His head falls back as I start moving my hand, finding a rhythm. His skin is so soft, almost velvety, and I’m not sure I thought a cock felt like, but this wasn’t it. There’s a little bit of fluid leaking out of the head and I experimentally swipe my thumb over it, exciting another groan from Ben. What was it Rose had said? The head was one of the most sensitive parts, right? I lean forward and place my lips around the head, swiping my tongue against the slit. Ben’s hips jerk in response, pushing more of him into my mouth.

“SHIT. Fuck, Rey.”

I stifle a giggle and take him deeper, as far as I can go, barely meeting my hand that’s wrapped around his base. 

“Rey… I want to… Can I…?”

I pull away and he whimpers. Quickly, I find the condom and tear it open and carefully roll it down his length. At least I paid enough attention in sex ed for that. Even if I could never look at a cucumber the same. 

“Rey?”

I realize suddenly that I’m staring at him and I bite my lip. I’m blushing again. “Sorry. I was… Uh… Thinking about something.”

He raises his eyebrow. 

“Cucumbers.” I blush. “And condoms.”

Ben’s face is half-light, half-shadow as he looks down at me and I’m reminded of the night after the movie, standing in the light of the streetlamp. His warm arms wrapped around me, holding me close. Now, his warm hands pull me closer to him and we fall into bed.

He kisses me like it could be the last time. Everything is sweet and slow fire. Despite everything we’ve been through, despite where we are now, I’m safe beneath him. He pulls away from our slow kiss and looks down at me. 

I’m reminded of how fragile the universe is when it’s held between two people. There’s a never-ending battle between light and dark, but how can we miss what comes between? Between every day and night, there is dusk and dawn. With the sunlight comes the shadows and with the darkness comes the stars and I feel it all humming between us. Two edges of the same coin, the light and the dark come together. 

“I don’t want to hurt you,” he whispers. 

“Go slow. You won’t.” The words that come from my lips are far braver than how I feel. I just know that I trust him with my life. I want him so much it’s almost laughable. He looks at me hesitantly and I bite my lip and nod. 

He enters me slowly and it’s a warm stretching that burns just a little. My breath comes out in little pants and I close my eyes trying to relax myself around him. It’s not painful, I realize, only a little uncomfortable. But that uncomfortableness gives away to a pleasant stretching filling feeling that makes me gasp. My hips meet his and I pull Ben down against me, kissing him hard. 

“This is- you’re so-” His words are cut off by my desperate lips. There’s no time for talking, only- I moan as Ben’s begins to move, his length gliding in and out. I arch to meet him, unable to keep quiet and he hits the right spot within me. My orgasm grows as Ben speeds up. I can feel nothing but him and taunt pleasure and a ball of energy that bursts sweetly in my core sending me over the edge. Ben’s hips stutter and he comes with my name on his lips. We fall together, lips against skin, fingers pulling each other closer. I don’t know what to do anymore as the waves of electricity roll through my body trying to escape. I don’t realize I’m crying until Ben stops and quickly gets off of me. 

“Did I- did I hurt you? Was it too much?”

I can’t speak, only shake my head ‘no’ and smile. I reach out for him and he settles down beside me. 

We lay on our sides, watching each other. I let my fingers trace over his cheeks, his lips, his nose. He’s so beautiful. He’s Ben. He’s mine and I am his. 

“I love you,” I finally whisper. I can’t understand the depth of sadness in his eyes at my words, but it doesn’t matter. I know I will understand one day. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while since I've written smut, so I hope I did it justice! My nervousness about posting this chapter is why it's taken a few days longer. Hopefully, we can get back to our regularly scheduled programming soon!
> 
> I listened to the chapter's title song on repeat writing this chapter. If you haven't heard it, go give it a listen!


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Sunday is gloomy, my hours are slumberless  
> Dearest, the shadows, I live with are numberless  
> Little white flowers will never awaken you  
> Not where the black coach of sorrow has taken you  
> Angels have no thought of ever returning you  
> Would they be angry if I thought of joining you?  
> Gloomy Sunday”
> 
> \- Gloomy Sunday, Billie Holiday & Teddy Wilson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Heavily Implied Mentions of Suicide/ Mental Health

I wake in the morning to soft red light filtering through the thin curtains that cover two small cabin windows. I watch as the light drifts down through the dust particles in the air to settle against Ben’s skin as he sleeps. I’ve never gotten the chance to just lay there with him before. He snores a little, not too much to be annoying- just the soft passage of air like a low rumble. I trace my fingers gently over his skin. His cheeks are soft and dotted with freckles and spots. The startings of a beard are rough against my fingertips. His lips, soft and warm. 

He holds me close to him, our legs all tangled together, his strong arms around me. I bury my face in his chest and he pulls me tighter to him in his sleep. My eyes close and I breathe him in. For a moment, I just let myself pretend. We’re only teenagers again, sneaking out to the vacant family summer house to be alone together. We’re two lovers snowed in on a winter’s day. Nothing to do but be together. I don’t want to leave his side and I don’t have to. 

I don’t have to until I have to pee so badly I can’t hold it in any longer. I probably should have peed last night. I think you were supposed to do that after sex. I couldn’t bring myself to untangle from him then though. 

It wasn’t like I thought it might be- sex. I had been in enough shitty homes to know that there were a lot of ways sex could be horrible. And I knew enough to know that virginity wasn’t really a thing. It didn’t matter to me, at least. But out of all the times I could have lost it, I didn’t think it would feel like that. Like coming together completely after millennia apart. Or coming home when I wasn’t even sure where home was. 

I carefully untangle myself from him, but Ben doesn’t wake. He doesn’t seem like he will be getting up for a while and I’m determined to let him sleep for as long as he needs. 

The world outside of Ben and bed is freezing. The fire has gone down almost completely, and the winter cold has steadily crept in to fill the entire cabin. I throw on my oversized shirt and pants, shivering as I search through the bags we brought. I find a pair of thick thermal socks Ben had picked up at one of the gas stations yesterday and slip them on. I pee quickly only to realize that we don’t have any water to flush with. It’s easy to make a toilet flush with no running water or power, but I don’t want to use the drinking water we brought with us. 

I gather up wood from the wood box beside the fire and carefully try to get the flames going again. I’ve never had the luxury of going camping, but one of the fosters I knew had been a pyromaniac and, well, I had stuff to burn. I knelt by the fire until the flames caught and heat began to radiate back into the cabin. 

No matter how many days we would be here, we would need more water. So, I set my next task to be gathering up all of the pans and bowls in the cabin and filling them with snow. I bundle up and step outside, moving all of the bowls and pans out. 

Outside, snow is thick on the ground and even thicker in the air. The wind is blowing so hard that I nearly topple over as I step down from the porch into the snow. I work as fast as I can, piling snow into the pots and pans and moving them inside. By the time I’m done, my hands are red and stinging with the pain of the cold. 

I set everything in front of the fire and fall in front of it myself, sticking my hands and feet towards the warming flames. After a while I manage to take off my jacket and shoes and crawl into bed. I curl myself around Ben, warming myself against him as I thank the gods that he’s like a radiator. Anyone who thinks they can go out in that storm is insane. 

Sleep finds me again, but only for a little while. Ben still hasn’t woken up, but the cabin is much warmer now, so I roll out of the bed and check on the pots of snow. Some of the smaller ones are nearly melted, so I dump them into the toilet chamber and manage to get one flush. 

There’s a quiet peace to it all if I don’t let myself think. I work on warming up a can of soup by the fire and eat it slowly as I stare into the flames. It’s mesmerizing to watch them dance, to listen to the crackle of the flames against the screaming winds outside. 

_ I’m fine.  _

_ I’m okay.  _

_ If I don’t think about it all, then I’ll be okay.  _

I finish my soup and my fingers find the photo in the pocket of my jeans. I take it out and stare at the woman and the tiny swaddled bundle in her arms. She’s smiling. Her brown hair is a little mussed and sweaty and there’s a tiredness in her eyes, but she looks happy. So incredibly happy. What happened after that? How could a woman that happy holding her baby leave her four years later in a junkyard? How could she just abandon me like that? Why would she do that? Why did she just leave me? Didn’t she know how much I needed her? Didn’t she know how much I wanted a mother? Why didn’t she come back for me?

“Why didn’t you come for me?” 

The picture says nothing back, offers no answers. It only stares at me. I fight the urge to crumple the picture up and toss it to the hungry flames. It’s the only picture I have of her. The only proof of her I might ever find. I can’t just throw it away. I can’t just burn the past and let it go. I wanted to know about her. I wanted to know what happened, and, now, I have a little piece of that puzzle. I can’t just throw it away if I don’t like what I find. 

I set the picture on the mantle and move the pots of water closer to the fire to melt them faster. The smaller bowls I combine with the larger ones, then set them aside to gather more snow. I didn’t know how long we might be here. We never really talked about a plan. 

Just lay low. Wait out the storm. Game plan from there. The redhead- Hux- had said to ‘find the Wookie’ whatever that meant. And that my father would be hunting me like he hunted my mother. If I went back to Maz… He’d know exactly where to find me. But we couldn’t hide in Luke’s cabin for forever. So where do we go from here?

I shake my head and get up from the fire. There was no use in thinking about that right now. For now we were stuck here. Absentmindedly, I start going through each of the drawers and cabinets in the small kitchen. 

I open every drawer and cabinet in the kitchen, taking stock of everything that was inside. Pots and Pans. A few bowls and cups covered in dust. Silverware. Several drawers were filled with tackle gear. Several others with tools and various assortments of nails and screws. I find a radio- one of the emergency ones that you can wind up to give it power. I give the crank a few turns and the device whirs, crackling to life. I keep the volume low as I search for a signal that’s strong enough to get through the storm. The only one I find plays slow jazz songs- old ones with soothing vocals that crackle along with the firelight. I sit back and let myself give way to Louis Armstrong and Ella Fitzgerald. The radio has enough power to just get through a song before it has to be cranked again, but I don’t mind. The music isn’t enough to wake Ben, but it is enough to carry my mind away. For a few hours.

The cabin is dark again, lit only by the fireplace that I’ve been tending to. The radio sits beside me playing music softly as I poke at the fire. Mostly, I’m just watching the embers and the flames. The music dies and I reach for the radio to power up the battery again. The music starts up again and I set down the radio. Beside me, the bed creaks as Ben shifts and I look over at him to see that he’s awake. There’s a smile on his lips, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. 

“How long have I been asleep?”

“A while. Almost twenty hours I think.” I move the fire poker from my lap as Ben sits up in the bed. His legs swing over the edge of the bed as his hands run through his thick hair. 

“You could have woken me up.” He grimaces as he stretches. The bruises across his ribs have turned an ugly, dark purple. 

I look away, concentrating on the flames. “You needed to sleep.”

“Was… Was last night okay?”

A hot blush rises in my cheeks and I smile, daring to glance at him. “Yeah. It was more than okay. Was it for you?”

“It was- It- Rey…” Ben slides out of the bed and drops to the floor beside me. His earnest eyes meet my own and he reaches out tentatively to touch my cheek. I turn my head to press my lips into his palm and he sighs. “Are you okay?”

I let his hand fall away. I’m not okay. I know that. But I can’t let it get to me when there’s so much more we might have to run from. Not when I didn’t deserve him. Not when… Not when I was the reason he nearly died. “I’m okay. For now. It should be me asking you that. You’re the one who almost died because of me.”

“Rey, it’s not your fault. None of this is.”

“But it is.” I move away from him as he tries to reach out for me. I don’t deserve his comfort. “I-I lead them straight to you. I didn’t even think- I was so worried about you and I led them right to you. And I wasn’t even right.”

“Rey-”

“No.” Tears fall down my cheeks as I stare into the flames. I can’t turn to see the look on his face. “You _ left _ me, but I almost  _ killed _ you. I should just hand myself over to my father. At least that way you’ll be safe. At least-”

“You are not handing yourself over to your father, Rey.” Ben grips my shoulders, forcing me to turn and look at him. “Rey… If you hadn’t come, I would be dead. You weren’t wrong.”

_ What? _

I know what he’s saying. I know that look in his eyes because I’d seen it reflected in the mirror far too many times. Ben’s eyes and hands fall away from me as I struggle to accept it. He stares into the fire, not wanting to look at me. I can’t look away from him now. I’m selfish in the way I take in the warm glow of the fire against his skin. I’m selfish in the way I emblazon how he looks right now into my mind. 

“I didn’t leave you with… With that intention. But I think it was there. I just didn’t let myself see it.” Ben’s voice breaks. “All I know is that I came back and you were screaming my name. And I couldn’t- I wouldn’t let myself hurt you anymore. I wouldn’t let anyone hurt you. And if I was dead, then you would be safe. You would be okay. And things would be right again. I couldn’t get Snoke. I knew that and I couldn’t let him have me and I couldn’t let him have you. And I thought he would leave you alone if he lost me if- If I was gone. I couldn’t take it anymore, Rey. It hurts so much. I couldn’t. And now he’s dead and nothing’s changed. He’s dead and she’s still gone and you’re still in danger and everything… Everything still hurts.”

His words fall away to shaking sobs. 

“If you had been five seconds later, I would have been dead. You would have walked in to see me- I would have been dead and you-”

“Ben-” I reach out and take his hands in mine and hold them close to my heart. He doesn’t look at me even as I pull him close. Even as I imagine a world without him in it. “I didn’t. And you didn’t. We’re safe here, okay? I’m safe now. I’m safe with you. Because of you. I know you won’t let anything happen to me. And I won’t let anything happen to you, okay? You’re not alone, Ben. You’ve seen me in therapy for long enough to know that. You’re not alone. And you’re not getting rid of me that easily.”

“You should go, Rey. You shouldn’t be with me. We shouldn’t have come here. I can’t- I can’t protect you. Every time we’re together, you get hurt. I can’t stop it. I can’t lose you, too.”

“I’m not going anywhere. I don’t need you to protect me. I need you to stay. I can protect myself, Ben. None of this is your fault. What happened at Cantina isn’t your fault. What happened with Poe was an accident.” He still doesn’t look at me, still tries to shake off my words and blame himself for everything. “I can’t lose you, either. I’ve never told anyone that I loved them before. But I do. I love you.”

When he looks at me, it’s with that same sad look in his eye as when I first told him I loved him. This. This is why he looks at me that way. Loving me. Losing me. As if our ending is already written in lost stars, long gone by now. As if we are nothing but prisoners of a fate we didn’t choose. 

Well, screw fate. I can’t see the stars anyway. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed :D Been in a bit of a writer's block lately so writing is going slowly. I love all the comments (I sort of rely on them for sustenance and serotonin), so keep them coming! Listening to Jazz has been helping with the mental health, so I sprinkled a little bit of that in for Rey. 
> 
> What I can definitely tell you is that the space babies are going to be stuck in that cabin for a while. Long enough to sort everything out and pretend to be runaway lovers for a bit. They deserve a little downtime!


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I can't escape this hell  
> So many times I've tried  
> But I'm still caged inside  
> Somebody get me through this nightmare  
> I can't control myself  
> So what if you can see the darkest side of me?  
> No one would ever change this animal I have become  
> And help me believe it's not the real me  
> Somebody help me tame this animal  
> I can't escape myself  
> So many times I've lied  
> But there's still rage inside  
> Somebody get me through this nightmare  
> I can't control myself”
> 
> \- Animal I Have Become, Three Days Grace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mentions of Homophobia and pedophilia

“We grew up together. Poe and I. And Lily.” Ben stared at the dark rafters of the cabin. Rey’s skin was soft underneath his fingertips, her breathing quiet as he caressed her bare skin. He wasn’t sure if he would ever get used to the feeling of her beside him or the smell of her hair. He wanted to drown in her and never surface again. 

Rey shifted to look up at him. Her bright eyes met his own and she smiled a little. “You don’t have to talk about it.”

“I know. I want to. You should know. You should know everything, Rey.” Ben sighs as Rey settles back against him. 

“Okay. I’m here.”

“Poe and Lily’s parents weren’t exactly there. His dad was pretty abusive and a drunk and his mom was never around really. So, they spent a lot of time at my place. We used to be pretty close. They were practically my only friends. No one wanted to be the friend of the principal’s son- especially one with anger issues and a knack for getting into trouble. I wasn’t exactly sociable, you know?”

“No, really. You? Unsociable?” Rey giggled against him and Ben felt a pressure subside from his chest. He could listen to her laugh for the rest of his life. 

“I was the weird, quiet kid who liked to draw in class and wore all black and listened to nothing but old punk music.”

“I’m pretty sure you’re still that kid.” Rey joked. 

Ben propped up his head to look down at her with a high brow. “Do you want to hear this or not?”

Rey’s eyes went wide. “Yes. I want to.”

How was she still so beautiful? Even after all of this. How could she still smile? Her life had been a million times more difficult than his and here he was complaining about it when he should just suck it up. Snoke was dead. Everything he had wanted since Lily died had finally come to pass. And he was fine now. He was fine. He was- 

“Ben.” Rey’s voice brought him back to her. Her hand reached up to brush his cheek and she pulled him closer for a kiss. “Come back to me. Stay here with me. Tell me. Please, tell me.”

Ben swallowed and nodded. “Summer after eight grade Leia- mom was making me go to therapy with Luke. She ran out of ideas on how to handle me and thought that if she handed me off to Luke that- I don’t know- that I would magically become the perfect little son she always dreamed of. Poe and Lily were the only people who understood, but Poe started acting all weird and I couldn’t figure out why. And then he kissed me. And I… Freaked out.”

“Why?” Rey asked softly. Her eyes implored him to keep going. 

“Because I liked it. Because I liked him. Because I didn’t want to.” Ben held his breath. He’d never admitted it to himself or anyone else before. Fear and nervousness crept into him at what Rey might say. Would she be disgusted? Would she hate him for it?

Rey sat up slowly. Her soft brown hair fell over her shoulder as she looked down at him. One hand rested on his chest. Ben looked up at her, terrified. He waited for her to say something. Anything at all. 

“I love you, Ben. I love all of you.” Rey smiled and Ben felt his heart burst. She leaned down to kiss him and Ben melted into her touch. “Thank you for telling me.”

“I still hurt him. I still…” Ben took a deep breath. “I said a lot of horrible things to him after he kissed me. And we got into a fight and Lily had to pull us off each other and I lost both of them. For good reason. When I went into Freshman year, I hated myself. I hated everyone. I had no friends. My own mother didn’t want me. My father liked to take a hands off approach with me, especially when I got into school and I was already the principal’s son. Now I was a teacher’s son, too. They always liked Poe and Lily better anyway and I pushed them away. So, what use was I? I was the fuck-up throw-away son. The only guy who seemed to give a fuck was the chemistry teacher.”

“Snoke.” Rey’s lips parted as the picture finally started to come together completely. 

“Yeah.” Ben sat up in the bed and threw his legs over the edge, suddenly too hot for the thick quilts. “He caught me trying to break into the lab’s supplies. I’m not even sure what I was trying to steal. I think I just wanted to get into trouble. To hurt my mother as much as she hurt me. He didn’t turn me in though. He told me that he cared about me. That he knew how special I was when no one else could see it. He said that I was meant to be something and that he could help me get there. I didn’t know it at first, but he was trying to groom me. There was a whole group of us. Snoke’s boys. We called ourselves the Knights of Ren.”

Ben laughed and choked back a sob. 

“Did he- Did…” Rey asked. 

Ben couldn’t bring himself to turn around to look at her. She sat behind him, close enough she might reach out and touch him. “No. I was the lucky one. He said I was special. That I was supposed to take over for him one day. He told me it was my  _ destiny _ as the grandson of Vader.”

“Vader?” Rey shifted to sit on the edge of the bed beside him. Her finger pinky finger brushed against his own. She was there. He was safe to tell his story. 

“Most people know him as Anakin Skywalker.”

“Anakin Skywalker…” Rey’s voice trailed off. Ben looked over to see the moment of recognition on her face. “His name is familiar.”

“Padme, his wife, founded New Republic High. He killed her and nearly killed my mother and uncle while he was at it. Yet another reason why everyone avoids me. Why my mother avoids me. I remind her of him I think. They all think that I’ll go on a murder spree like him, too.”

“You’re not going to go on a murder spree, Ben.” Rey fell to her knees and landed in front of him. Her tiny hands wrapped around his arms as she forced him to look at her. Ben couldn’t look at her, not when he knew she might be wrong. 

“I would have killed Bossk at that party if I hadn’t heard you screaming. I would have killed Snoke and Fett and everyone in that room if Hux hadn’t first.”

“I would have killed Fett myself.” Rey set her jaw in a way that Ben knew it would be pointless to argue with her. “You pulled me off of him. I wasn’t going to stop. Ben, you’re as much of a murderer as I am.”

“You’re not a murderer.”

Rey smiled. “Then neither are you.”

Her gentle fingers reached up and brushed away his hair. He sighed into her touch. Did she know how she saved him? Her touch was a balm to every horrible word and memory in his head. 

“I don’t deserve you.”

“Yes, you do.” Rey pressed her lips to his. “And for the record, I think destiny is bullshit.”

Ben huffed a laugh and watched as she rose from the ground and moved to the fire. She placed a new log in the flames and set a pot of water closer to the fire. She was beautiful against the flame. She was beautiful all the time. Every day. He’d known it from the first time that he saw her that she was something special. Ben never thought she’d be in his arms. He grabbed his shirt off the floor and stood. Even after just a few seconds out of bed Rey was already shivering. Ben grabbed one of the quilts from the bed and wrapped it around her. Rey hummed a thank you as she grabbed a pack of oreos from their supplies. 

“Do you know much about them? Your grandparents?”

Ben shook his head. “No. Not much more than anyone else in town. My parents and Luke don’t like to talk about it. When we were talking in the hospital, Maz seemed to know something, too.”

“Maz?” Rey frowned. “I guess that makes sense. She’s been in Republic for a long time.”

“Do you think she might tell us something?” Ben doubted it, but if there was a chance…

Rey shook her head. “I don’t know. I don’t even know if she’ll still want me if we go back. I sorta stole her car to get to you. And now that I know who my father is… Who I am, she doesn’t have to.”

“We don’t have to tell anyone, Rey. Maz will take you back. And if she doesn’t you can stay with me.” Ben brushed his thumb against her lips to wipe away a stray bit of cookie. She nodded and lowered her eyes.

“There’s so many secrets already.” Rey sighed and popped another cookie in her mouth. “No one will talk about it and we just keep walking into them blind.”

“I know.”

“I just keep feeling like we haven’t even discovered half of it, you know? Between your grandparents and my parents and…” Rey trailed off. Ben could see the wheels turning in her head. She closed up the pack of oreos and set them aside. Her hands caught his own and Ben held her. “No secrets between us. Not anymore, Ben. I didn’t tell you everything Fett said to me at the party and I don’t know if things would have been different if I had, but I need to tell you something else.”

Ben’s mind blurred with a thousand possibilities of what she might mean. His heart quickened its pace with every one. She let go of him and grabbed her jeans off the floor. She pulled a piece of folded paper from one of the pockets and unfolded it to show him. 

Rey’s hand trembled as she held the paper out to him. “I think we’re having the same dreams.”

Ben’s heart stopped at the sight of the masked man and the woman in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uploads over the next month may be a little few and far between. Ya girl is going through a breakup and a sudden move! So bare with me :)


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "But I think I'm lost without you  
> I just feel crushed without you  
> I've been strong for so long  
> That I never thought how much I needed you  
> I think I'm lost without you  
> Strangers rushin' past  
> Just tryna get home  
> But you were the only  
> Safehaven that I've known  
> Hits me at full speed  
> Feel like I can't breathe  
> And nobody knows  
> This pain inside me  
> My world is crumbling  
> I should never have  
> Let you go”
> 
> \- Lost Without You, Freya Ridings

Ben takes the picture from my hands slowly. His brows crease together as he looks at it and suddenly I feel that maybe this was the wrong thing to do. I take a step back. “Sorry, I know I shouldn’t have gone through your things. I just- I was just looking for some reason why you left me and I was looking through everything and I just kind of stumbled on it. And I didn’t know what to do or if you would be back so I took it. I promise I’ll never go through your things again.”

“You dream about them?” When Ben glances up at me, his face is soft and worried, not angry. I nod slowly. 

“Every night… If I’m not with you. Nightmares, really.”

“Rey…” Ben stared down at the page in his hands. 

“Do you? Do you see them, too?”

“Not in dreams.” Ben folds the page and hands it back to me. Something about the picture seems to unnerve him and he moves away, crossing the room to sit down at the table. “I’ve been drawing him for as long as I can remember. I thought he was an imaginary friend for a while. My parents hated it. Freaked them out so I stopped talking about it. But Kylo Ren never went away.”

“Kylo Ren…” Flashes of the man beneath the mask reappear in my mind’s eye. I pull the quilt tighter around my shoulders and slowly sit down beside him. “Do you know who he is? Beneath the mask?”

For a moment, Ben doesn’t move. I can see the conflict and pain in his eyes as he tries to not look at me. After that moment, Ben nods. 

“He’s me. He’s the worst parts of me.” Ben rubs the back of his neck and drops elbows on to his knees, lowering his head. “I used to think I was crazy. Maybe I still am.”

“I’ve seen him. I’ve talked to him, too. In my dreams. And the girl… I’ve talked to her, too. She’s me.” I unfold the page and stare at the man holding the limp woman in his arms. There’s something familiar about it, like an old memory. It’s difficult to gauge what the man is doing as well. Is he rescuing her? Kidnapping her? “I’ve been trying to figure out what it means. I’ve been trying to make it not seem so insane. But I don’t know if I can just explain it away.”

“Maybe some things aren’t explainable.”

“Do you really believe that?” I ask. Ben looks up at me as he thinks it over. His hands drop as he sighs. 

“No.”

Over by the fire, the pot of water I moved by the flames has come to a boil. I get up and move it away from the heat to let it cool down to a normal temperature. Ben doesn’t move as I pick up the radio again and give it a few cranks. The end of a song plays out before it switches over to a radio announcer. 

_ “This just in from our local Weather Station. It looks like the storm is here to stay for the next two days. Expect heavy snow and winds to continue. It is advised by the National Weather Service that everyone take shelter until the storm passes. The first winter storm of the season is expected to move out of the area by early Friday morning. Until then, snuggle up and Dream A Little Dream Of Me and Doris Day… Next.” _

Two days and the storm would be over. Two days until someone comes looking for us. 

If my father came for me, what would happen? What did he want from me? What did I want from him? Hux had told me to run. He said my father  _ hunted _ her. Would he hunt me too? Did he want to kill me? 

Warm, strong hands gently took the radio from my hands and placed it on the mantle. Ben was there, taking my hands in his and pulling me close to his chest. His lips brushed soft kisses against my hair as we swayed to the music. 

“I’m not going to let anything happen to you, Rey. We’re safe here for now. We have enough food for a week. No one is getting through the storm.”

“What happens after?”

“I don’t know. We’ll figure it out, okay? Even if I have to smuggle us to Mexico.”

I smile a little and press myself against Ben. “Do you remember our first dance?”

Ben chuckled. “I do. I remember you being very pissed off at me for coming to the dance and then being pissed at me for not wanting to go.”

_ Of course that’s how he would remember that.  _ I lean back a little if only to see his face when I ask him my next question. “Do you remember the noise you made when you first saw me?”

Ben’s face went completely red in the firelight. “No.”

“I can tell when you’re lying.” I smile as he desperately tries to avoid my eyes. “Mind telling me what you were thinking?”

“I- ah…” Ben’s eyes flashed wickedly and I knew I was in trouble. “I wasn’t thinking so much as I was reacting.”

Before I can move, Ben scoops his hands under my thighs and lifts me off the floor. A squeal escapes my lips as he tosses me on the mattress and climbs on top of me. His kisses punctuate every word as he continues. 

“You. Were. So. Goddamn. Beautiful. And. So. Fucking. Stubborn.” Ben’s lips catch mine and I fight back, struggling for dominance against him. It’s a fight I’m happy to lose as his tongue brushes against mine. As he presses against me I can forget why I’m even here and how I even got here. All I know is him. “And the first time I saw you…”

I drag my fingers through his thick, dark hair and press him to my lips. Careful teeth nip at my lower lip and I whine beneath him. I’ve never wanted anyone as much as I wanted him. His lips trail off, blazing fiery paths down my neck and sucking gently at my skin. I struggle to remember what we had been talking about a moment before. The first time- The first time he saw me. “At Poe’s party.”

Ben pulls away and I whimper at the loss of him. He shakes his head, a greedy grin on his lips. “No. In the lunchroom. That first day.”

_ Oh.  _ How could I forget that? Those eyes my own had connected with from across the room now looked down at me. The pupils were blown so large his eyes were nearly black. Just a thin ring of brown and amber at the edges. That had been the start of everything, hadn’t it? From that moment, I was ruined. 

“You ruined lunch for me.” Ben sighed, his eyes gleaming as if he could read my mind. “How was I supposed to eat when I couldn’t stop looking at a girl who looked back at me like that?”

“That’s why you went to the art room.”

“Which you ruined, too.” Ben’s face dropped down to suck sweet little spots into my skin. “Always listening to something. Always making those faces you make when you concentrate on something. Always ignoring me. Pushing me.”

Ben’s teeth grazed my skin and bit just hard enough to make me whine. I whimpered against him, but he refused to go any faster or farther. He was hell-bent on torturing me. Two could play at that game. 

“You were always such an ass.” I trail my nails down his back and find the hem of his shirt. Ben jerks as I run my nails experimentally up his muscular back. I could feel him hot and heavy between my legs. Without warning, Ben snatched both of my hands, pinning them above my head. I was completely helpless beneath him, but… I didn’t mind it. Not when he was looking at me like that. Like he could devour me whole. 

“You were always so stubborn, Princess,” Ben growls. As if to prove his point, I wrap my legs around his hips and pull him closer, rolling my hips into him. A deep, uncontrollable moan falls from his lips and I drink it up.

“Don’t call me Princess.” For a moment, I’m back on the balcony, scolding a boy I barely know for his dangerous resting place as he gives me that roguish smile. 

“I wanted to kiss you then, too.” Ben smiles that same roguish smile. “You looked so cute with your hair all messed up and your lipstick smudged.” Ben’s face softened as he considered his next words. “By then I knew that I was going to fall in love with you. I knew I would do anything you asked of me, even if it killed me.”

Feeling brave, I cock my eyebrow and roll my hips against him again. “Anything?”

Ben shudders beneath my touch and shakes his head with a rueful smile. “If you keep this up, we’ll be out of condoms by tomorrow.”

“Guess we’ll just have to get creative.” I bite my lip already thinking of all the things that didn’t require a condom. I wasn’t sure there was anything I wouldn’t be willing to try with him.

Ben’s face breaks into a brilliant smile, one that stretches across his face and reaches his eyes. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him smile that way before. I never want that smile to leave. I want to see that smile every day for the rest of my life, no matter how I have to get it. 

_ You could have lost it. _

My heart stops for a moment as everything comes crashing into me. I could have lost him. I could have lost everything for good. All I can see as I look at him is the life together we could have lost. The life we still could lose. I’ve never wanted to live as much as I do now. I’ve never wanted to fight for something as much as I want to fight for him. 

“What’s wrong?” Ben’s smile falls as he realizes the look on my face. His hands release my own and come to my cheeks. Hot tears sting at my eyes as I try not to cry. I hated crying. I hated that hating crying only made me want to cry more. His soft fingers wipe away the tears that leak out. 

“Don’t- Don’t leave me, please.” My voice breaks as I force the words out. 

“I’m not going anywhere, Rey. I promise. I will never leave like that again. I won’t leave you unless you ask me to.” Ben’s eyes hold my own as he promises. 

I want to believe him. I want to believe him so bad. And laying there as he promises, I almost believe him. “Everyone leaves me. I’m nothing. I’m no one.”

“Not to me. You’re everything to me.” Ben whispers. 

I think back to the day I first saw him, to all the days together that came after. It’s not enough. It would never be enough. I wanted lifetimes with him, even if it felt like I had known him for that long already. We’re playing out a thousand lifetimes of finding each other and losing each other and I just want it to stop. I just want us to be. I was so tired of losing everything I loved. 

“I know I have no right to ask for your trust, but I will anyway. If you’ll give it to me.” Ben brushes his fingers through my hair. His eyes plead with my soul for an agreement I worry I can’t give him. 

_ Respect is built. Love is given freely. Responsibility is learned. Trust goes both ways. _

Maz’s words ring in my memory. How many times had I fucked up and been given another chance? How many times have I wished to have a second chance and had it ripped from me?

“Trust goes both ways.”

Ben takes a deep breath. Neither of us are used to letting someone else take the reins it seems. After a moment, he nods. “You have mine.”

“And you have mine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluffy Angst Almost Smut is what I'm calling this chapter :P I've mostly been spending my time recovering and relaxing and trying to figure out how to build my single life. But! I've started writing again, so, hopefully, I'll post more soon. I've missed posting and reading comments <3


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Good time for a change  
> See, the luck I've had  
> Can make a good man  
> Turn bad  
> So please please please  
> Let me, let me, let me  
> Let me get what I want  
> This time  
> Haven't had a dream in a long time  
> See, the life I've had  
> Can make a good man bad  
> So for once in my life  
> Let me get what I want  
> Lord knows, it would be the first time  
> Lord knows, it would be the first time”
> 
> \- Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want, The Smiths

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Nightmares, torture

“I saw you…” The words die on my lips as I realize my dreaming state. “I see you now. I’m dreaming again.”

The masked man is unmasked before me. Ben looks down at me, a red scar cutting his face in half. Not Ben. Kylo Ren. His lips press into a hard line. There’s a furious simmering anger behind his eyes, a conflict within himself, a familiar sadness. I stand close to him in a small room with bars of light in the walls. An elevator, I think. I want to reach out to the man, to touch him but I realize that my hands are bound. 

“You are not dreaming.” Kylo’s eyebrows press together as he studies me fully.

“Where am I?”

His hand reaches out and for a moment I believe he might hit me. Instead, the man’s fist slams into a button on the wall and the elevator lurches to a stop. “Tell me where Luke Skywalker is.”

I frown. “Uh. Probably at home, I think. Riding out the storm like everyone else.”

He looks at me like I’m insane or speaking in tongues. “Who are you? Tell me your name.”

We were getting nowhere with this. “Rey Niima. Or… I guess Kira Palpatine. I’m not sure anymore.” 

“Impossible.” The man growls. His hand stretches out and hovers just inches from my head. Pressing pain rips through my mind, like someone digging their fingers through every inch of my mind. I can see everything he sees as he tears through my memories. Luke in his chair at therapy. Ben’s eyes as he smiles. Ben as we come together as we kiss as we-

The man releases his invisible hold over me and I collapse to the floor. “Get out of her mind.” 

My head splits in pain, worse than my concussion, and the bright room wavers to black. Through the darkness, I see a throne room. Through the darkness I see Snoke and feel pain like a whisper. I see Ben as he stands above me, sad, dark eyes as he stares down at me.  _ I trust him. Trust him.  _ The voice echoes through my mind, both my own and not. The world beyond the darkness descends into a chaos of flames and glowing blades of light.

I wake with a gasp, sucking air into my lungs like I’ve been underwater for too long. A slick coat of sweat coats me, soaking through my shirt. My eyes adjust to the low light as my heart races, unsure of where I am. My hands reach out, but the bed beside me is empty. “Ben- Ben!”

“I’m here. I’m here.” Strong arms wrap around me, pressing me to a broad chest. His musky scent wafts over me and I start to relax. Ben’s lips press against my head, leaving me covered in comforting kisses. “Nightmares?”

I nod, not completely convinced of what is real and what isn’t. “He- We- The man in the mask- Kylo-” I swallow trying to gather my words. “He was there. We were in an elevator. It’s- I can’t figure it out. Everything feels so real. He told me to get out of her mind- Like- I don’t understand.”

“Breathe, Rey.” Ben rubs small circles on my lower back as I curl into him. “I don’t understand either. We’ll figure it out, okay? Are they always like that?” 

Ben’s soft voice is just loud enough to hear over the wind and fire, a soothing balm against the thoughts racing through my head. I shake my head as my breath returns to me.

“No. Not always. Not usually this vivid. Usually, I’m running away from something. Drowning in the desert. It’s stupid right?”

“No. It’s strange, but it’s not stupid.” Ben pulls me closer. The pressure of his arms around me helps me breathe easier as I come back to Earth. “He torments me, too. Every day. For as long as I can remember. Like a voice I can’t get rid of. He’s a part of me, I think. He’s the part of me that wants to sink deeper into darkness. It sounds insane when I put it that way. Like I’m seeing and hearing things that shouldn’t be there, but it’s not that. Not really.”

“I understand, I think. That voice in your head that’s you but not you. The one that makes you feel worthless… Not enough… Like the sky is falling and I’m helpless to catch it. If that’s the case, I think I have a Kylo Ren, too.”

“He’s- I’m- We’re so angry all the time.” Ben shook his head as if trying to push the manifestation of his demons out of his head. “After Lily, I snapped. I couldn’t take holding it all in anymore. Poe and I got into a fight and then I tried to confront Snoke. I wanted to kill him. I wanted to make him pay for what he had done to her. I got all the way to him. No one even tried to stop me. But I couldn’t do it. And the thing was… Snoke wanted me to. He wanted me to kill him. And when I couldn’t he said that I was weak. Pathetic.”

“That’s not weak, Ben. Weakness would have been killing him. Giving into your hatred and rage.” 

“I know. I know that now.” He shakes his head. “I was in so much pain. I felt like I had lost everything, like the entire world was burning around me and I was helpless to put out the flames. So when he gave me a way out, I took it. It nearly killed me and Snoke would have let it happen without a second thought.”

“He gave you Spice.” I thought back to Ben’s mentions of rehab. He had never really explained why or what landed him there before now. Ben’s nod only confirmed it. 

“Fucked up right? Getting hooked on the thing that killed Lily because it killed her.” Ben’s voice broke as he tried to hold back his tears. He took a deep breath and pressed the palms of his hands against his eyes. “There’s this thing called a death ride. It’s supposed to be the highest dose you can take without overdosing in one sitting. They say it gives you visions of another reality or of the future. I saw him then, Kylo Ren. He stood over me, looking down at me, and then I was him, looking down at myself as a little kid. Right before I killed myself.”

“Did you stay Kylo Ren in your vision?”

Ben wrinkles his brow as he thinks. “No, I- I dreamed of you. In the light. Keeping me alive. Waiting for me, I think. I didn’t- I don’t- It was you, I know it was.”

Similar dreams I could explain away. Vivid to the point of being real dreams were common. Even being aware of dreaming was not uncommon. But seeing someone you’ve never met, even in a drug-addled state, was a little harder to just explain away. 

“Are you sure you’ve never been to Jakku?”

“I’m sure.”

“Isn’t it impossible to make up a face? Right? Maybe, we… I don’t know... Saw each other on Facebook mutual friends or something. And that’s how you knew my face.”

“I don’t have a Facebook.” Ben mutters. “I don’t do social media. Not exactly the most social person.”

“Oh.” My mind began to race as the more likely, possible explanations were ruled out. Something about the dreams bothered me. I should just sweep them aside and chock it up to strange pseudoscience or crystals and star signs. I mean how much is really known about the human brain? I’m pretty sure we as a species know more about the moon than we do about the brain and its inner workings. 

“Are you ever the Rey in your dreams?”

I nod. “Usually. I think. It’s like I’m in my body, but not my body. The only time I ever saw her- talked to her- was night I saw the falcon. I was in this darkness, like a cave. And I was looking into a mirror, but it wasn’t a mirror. I was looking at her. Dream Rey. She said she was in a mirror cave and I talked about you and she called me the darkness. And then I saw a ship, like a spaceship. And it turned into a falcon. That’s when I realized that you were in trouble. I didn’t even know where to go, just that I had to go. So, I stole Maz’s car and drove until I found the house where you were.”

“Like the night at Cantina. I had no idea where you were, but I knew you were in trouble. And I knew exactly where to go to find you.” 

“So, what? We can find each other when we’re in danger?” I move away from Ben so I can see his face. It’s hard to get a read on what exactly he’s thinking, though there’s an overall feeling of concern in his brow. “That’s not normal, right? Are we going crazy? Cause I can’t- I can’t take crazy on top of everything else.”

Panic rises in my chest as Ben looks up at me with a frown on his face and that look in his eye. I push away from him. I pace the cabin as my heart rate spikes and it becomes incredibly hard to breathe. 

“Rey.” Ben stands and catches me in his hands. “You’re not going crazy. I’m not going crazy. We’re not going crazy. There’s an explanation for this all and as soon as this storm dies, we’ll get out of this cabin and go find it, okay?”

His reassurances do little to slow the beating of my heart, but I take a deep breath anyway. I want to run straight out into the storm and never look back. Running to the cabin hadn’t been far enough. We were still trapped in the realities of our lives. There were still five men dead on the road behind us. Regardless of if they deserved it or not, I had been part of the reason for them dying. And my father, no longer a nameless shadow, was someone I wished would go back into the dark. I had already left everything behind in Republic, but maybe- maybe I could go back. The voice in the back of my head laughed.

_ Maz won’t take you back. You literally stole her car and have lied to her countless times. Poe and Rose and Finn will never want you back. Not after you lied to them, too. What makes you think you’re worthy of their friendship anyway?  _

“Rey?”

_ You’re nothing. You’re still no one. You don’t even know who you are anymore. The only person who wants you is hunting you. And Ben… Ben is just here to pity you. He’s here because you got in the way.  _

“Rey?”

_ Look at him. Look at that pity in his eyes. He got what he wanted from you. He’ll turn on you and leave you like everyone else always does. Just wait and see. He thinks you’re insane. He thinks you’ve gone crazy.  _

“Rey, please look at me.” Ben’s hands gently press against my cheeks. I try to look anywhere but him, but he waits until his eyes catch mine and I’m locked into his gaze. “Whatever you’re thinking, it’s not true. I’m not going anywhere, okay? We’re going to figure this out together. It’s completely in your hands. If you want to go back to Republic, we can.”

“I wish we could just run away.” The thought of leaving it all behind saddens me for some reason. I’d never been afraid to just leave before. “Just go to California and forget everything that’s happened. Like nothing else existed before. No Snoke. No Palpatine. No Republic. Just you and me. We could let go of everything else.”

Ben presses his lips together and nods slowly. “Me, too.”

“But, we’ll never be free of this if we do. I’ll never figure out why my mother left me. I’ll never figure out why my father is  _ hunting  _ me.” I couldn’t leave, not without putting it all to rest. I still wanted to live with Maz. I still wanted to have Poe and Finn and Rose as friends. I still wanted that movie night on the couch with Ben and his parents. I wanted to finish my semester, if they let me. I wanted to stay in one place for longer than a year. The more I thought about it, the more I knew that I would fight to have that life back. It didn’t matter how shortly I had had it. My breathing steadied again and Ben let go of my face. His hands didn’t stray far, coming down to rest on my shoulders. “How much did you know Hux?”

“Not enough to know that he would turn on Snoke. Though when you told me about seeing him at the party, I had my suspicions.” 

“Do you know him enough to think he’s telling the truth about my father? About him… Hunting me down?” I bite my lip. It all seems insane. 

Ben thinks for a moment and then nods. “I think so. If what we know is true- That your mother left you to hide you from him, then I think it’s plausible your father might want to hurt you. Or use you. I- I don’t know, Rey.”

“What if he just wants to talk? What if it’s all just a big misunderstanding and he wants his daughter back?” The cold of the room hits me and I shiver. Ben gently leads me to the fireplace and I sit beside its warmth. Evidently, we were going to talk about this tonight. 

“I don’t know that either.” Ben frowns as he sits behind me and pulls me closer to him. He leans against the bed as he holds me. Safe and content and warm, I start talking. 

“When I was a kid, I used to dream about my parents coming back and getting me. I would tell anyone who listened to me that they were coming back for me.” A little laugh escapes me as I remember the little girl with the strange buns causing havoc in group homes and foster houses and schools. “Prospective parents didn’t like that. So I ended up staying for a few years with Unkar Plutt. And the nights he would get drunk and scream and hit, I would lock myself in the basement and make up stories about my parents. I would dream that they didn’t want to give me up. That they had to to keep me safe from something else. Like a dragon or a demon or something. And when the coast was clear, they’d come knocking at Plutt’s door and take me far away from him. But they never came. I was so angry for so long. No one wanted me in their homes. And the ones who wanted me weren’t fit to feed a dog. I just… Gave up. For a while. And then when I stopped giving up on my life, I left them behind. But now, there’s all of  _ this  _ where my mom really gave me up to protect me. I didn’t want it to actually be true.”

“Couldn’t you get emancipated? Live outside of the system?” Ben asks quietly. 

“I wanted to, for a time. I even tried to. But I didn’t have a job. I didn’t have a place to go. I didn’t know if I would make it to the next day, so how was I supposed to plan for a future? And Amilyn, my case worker, advised against it. She was right, I think. I think she was hoping I would end up with Maz. She was one of the first people who actually believed in me.” I yawn, sleepy again against his chest with the warmth of the fire surrounding us. 

“Do you think you can sleep?” Ben whispers. 

“Yeah. Will you lay with me?” 

He nods and we move to the bed. I slip under the thick layer of quilts and tuck myself under Ben’s arm. He shifts, pulling me closer. “What do you want, now?”

“Hmm?” I’m already half asleep in his arms. Part of me doesn’t want the storm to ever end, not when I had this option every night. 

“What future do you want now? Forget Snoke. Forget your father. What future do  _ you  _ want?”

It’s a question I haven’t paid much attention to for most of my life. Fifteen-year-old me would have been surprised that I even got this far. It’s unsurprising to me that I don’t really have an answer. “I don’t know… School, maybe. If I can. Though it never seems to work out for me. I just wanted to finish this semester and I couldn’t quite make that happen.”

Ben tenses a little under my fingertips. “I’m sorry. It’s my fault. With Poe and Snoke and-”

“Nope.” I press my finger over his lips gently to quiet him. “This is a world where that doesn’t exist.”

Ben acquiesces with a little grin and I continue, letting my words ramble as I drift off to sleep. “I’d go to school, I think. I like math and science, but maybe I’ll try social work. I don’t know. I just want to do something that I love. And I want a little house of my own and I want to travel the word and have friends over for BBQ or movies in the backyard. And I want kids, one day. Someday. Some adopted. I want… I want to help the kids that got failed by the system like me. And I want you to be there. I want you and Maz and your parents and Finn and Rose and Poe to be there.”

The last thing I remember before sleep over takes me is Ben’s lips on my head, moving gently as he kisses me and whispers, “I’ll be there.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What’s up with those dreams? Weird right? And why does Rey’s father want her so badly? What does this have to do with Ben’s family? 
> 
> Stay tuned to find out :)


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Let me take you down  
> 'Cause I'm going to Strawberry Fields  
> Nothing is real  
> And nothing to get hung about  
> Strawberry Fields forever  
> Always, no, sometimes think it's me  
> But you know I know when it's a dream  
> I think, er, no, I mean, er, yes  
> But it's all wrong  
> That is I think I disagree”
> 
> \- Strawberry Fields Forever, The Beatles

The next morning, there’s a quiet stillness that wakes me. It takes a second before I realize that the wind has stopped its incessant howl through the woods. I can’t remember the last time I had been somewhere so quiet. There was no hum of electricity, no dogs barking, no sirens. Ben sleeps beside me, my fingers rising and falling with his chest as he breathes. As I drift in and out, I can see her. 

Dream Rey hovers in the air of her own accord. Her eyes are closed and her legs crossed in a deeply meditative state. Her lips move in a quiet mantra only she could hear. At first, we share the silence. Then the sounds and the smells and the warm green foliage of the forest surrounding her fade into my mind and solidify. 

Rey’s eyes snap open, and, in an instant, the air between us electrifies. A long metal tube flies to her hand and a humming beam of bright blue light shoots from the end like an electric sword. “Who are you? What do you want?”

I hold my hands up slowly, not wanting to alarm her again. There was an itching feeling in my gut that told me she might have the answers I was looking for. “My name is Rey. I just want to talk.”

The woman’s brows furrow. “You’re the darkness. From the cave!”

“No!” I keep my hands up and don’t move. I don’t want her to sever this strange connection again. “No, please, believe me. I’m just trying to understand what’s going on. I don’t understand what’s going on. I was in a cabin in the woods and now I’m here. And it doesn’t feel like a dream.”

Rey studies me for a moment, seemingly wrestling with this strange occurrence in her head as well. She lowers her weapon and the blue blade disengages. “Are you with the First Order?”

“No. I don’t even know what that is.” I lower my hands slowly. It was strange to look at her, like looking in a mirror almost. Was this how twins felt? Was this woman my twin? “Are you- Are we sisters?”

The woman’s eyes flash with pain. “No. I don’t think we are. My name is Rey as well. Do you know where you are? Can you see what’s around me?”

“Yes, a forest. A jungle, really. Are you somewhere in South America?” I gaze around at the luscious green foliage that surrounds us. Everything is so vivid. I can smell the dirt and the sweet scent of plants and flowers. I can feel the cool ground beneath my bare feet and the light breeze against my skin. 

“South America?” Rey gives me a puzzled look. “That’s a strange name.”

“You’ve never heard of South America? Didn’t they teach you that in school?”

She shakes her head. “I never went to school.”

“Oh.” I guess that explains a lot, sort of. “Can you see my surroundings?”

Rey shakes her head again. _ Is that what I look like when I’m confused? Do I really knit my brow like that? I’m going to have the worst wrinkles if I keep doing that.  _ I snap myself out of my thoughts when I realize that Rey has asked me where I’m from. “Oh, Jakku. Ah… Vermont. America.”

“What?”

“America. The United States. You sound British. Are you in New Zealand or India, may-”

“You are not from Jakku. I am from Jakku.”

We both stare at each other uneasily. Rey is the first to break our silence. “What planet are you from?”

“Uh… Earth. What other planets are there?”

At my answer Rey takes a step back, nearly stumbling over a root. “Earth? Is that in the outer rim? The unknown regions?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m from Earth. Like all humans. There are no other planets that we’ve found that are habitable unless NASA is doing something we don’t know about which, really, is likely, but as far as I know there are no other planets that have humans on them in the Milkyway Galaxy and if there were I feel like they would probably have gone to school.” I’m rambling; I realize that, but I can’t stop myself. She’s giving me a look like I’m insane when really it's me who should be looking at her like that. “This is all just a dream right?”

“I’m not sleeping,” Rey says quietly. “This is real. At least for me.”

“Maybe I am going crazy. I saw those men die. I watched Hux and Snoke die right in front of me. I almost killed Bobby Fett. And the concussion… I’m going crazy aren’t I?”

“You watch Snoke die?”

“You know Snoke?” It wasn’t a common name. “Weird old guy with a twisted face?”

“Yes. I was there when he died. Ben killed him.”

“You know Ben? Right. The mirror incident. And no, Hux killed Snoke. Are we talking about the same people?”

“Maybe what we need to be asking is are we the same person?” 

“Like… Twins?”

Rey shakes her head. “A divergence in the Force. Ripples of reality throughout time and space.”

“Alternate Reality.” The suggestion sends my mind reeling though I had no idea what she meant by  _ the Force _ . I really was going crazy. I was- The forest around me began to fade away. The warm humidity was replaced with bitter cold. My hands and feet painfully numb with it. The green around me turned to bright white. I was blind until my eyes adjusted to the dazzling sun-lit snow around me. 

Tall trees whose branches are covered in thick layers of snow and ice surround me. I spun trying to see a glimpse of the cabin, but my eyes landed instead on the remnants of a giant hollow tree. The four broken tree bases jutted out from the center base and curved towards the sky. All five trunks were long dead, the tops broken off and long gone. 

Though I was freezing in the snow, wearing nothing but the shorts and t-shirt I wore to bed, there is a warmth and a light to this place. Something old and ancient calls to the deepest parts of my soul. I have no choice but to answer. Shivering, I stepped forward, walking towards the dark opening in the side of the massive tree. 

The inside of the tree was surprisingly warm and dry. Even just a few degrees difference already does wonders for my cold hands and feet. An ancient life radiated from the long-dead tree. Life and death. Balance.

Beams of hazy sunlight filtered through cracks in the wood. One such beam cascaded down and highlighted a small chest nestled into a natural shelf in the wood. 

“Impossible.”

The voice was my own though it did not come from my lips. I didn’t want to turn, didn’t want to face the reality that I was no longer dreaming, but that Rey from my dreams was here with me. She wore her strange clothes still- a thick all-white fabric, a tunic with strips of cloth crossing her torso. She seemed to glow in the dim light like a golden specter. Perhaps I was still dreaming. 

“Why? Does this mean something to you?”

Her eyes narrowed in distrust. “You shouldn’t be here.”

“Why? What is this place?”

“It’s sacred. And you should go.” 

“Well, I didn’t mean to come here. I just kinda showed up. I don’t even know how to get back to the cabin.” I crossed my arms and turned to her fully. “Whatever is connecting us brought me here. So, maybe I’m going crazy, but I think I’m supposed to see this.”

Rey sighed. “I’m starting to understand why Luke doesn’t want to train me. I’m stubborn aren’t I?”

“Yes, we are.”

The glow surrounding Rey grew brighter as her form began to fade away. “Kirff. I can’t keep this up. I don’t understand how you’ve been able to cross over here so easily. Just- Take…. The books.”

“What? Wait!” 

Rey fades away before she can say more and I am left alone in the hollow tree once more. Cautiously, I pick up the small, surprisingly heavy wooden chest terrified that something would jump out or something still stranger would happen. But, this was a dream, right? I couldn’t die in a dream. Not really. 

There’s no symbols on the outside, nothing to give any clue about the chest’s origins. Just simple, rough wood. Judging by the state of the rust on the hinges, very old as well. Taking a deep breath, I open the lid. 

Books. Six of them. Four hand-bound in leather, two also leather, but newer. All perfectly preserved. There’s a heady, papery scent that wafts off of them. How did Rey know that there would be books?

More importantly, if this was a dream, shouldn’t I be waking up right now? Or am I supposed to read the books? Can I even read if I’m dreaming?

“Rey!” The call is distant, desperate. 

My heart races. 

“Rey!” Ben’s voice bellows through the forest, closer now. 

I close the lid on the books. No. No, this had to be a dream. This had to be. Please let this all be a dream. I close my eyes. 

_ Wake up wake up wake up wake up.  _

“Rey!”

I pinch myself and I feel it. I feel the weight of the chest in my arms. I feel the warmth of the soil beneath my bare feet. It’s all real. It’s all real and it can’t be. 

“Rey!” Ben stumbles into the hollow tree and nearly crashes into me, grabbing my shoulders in his hands. His eyes are wild and dark and terrified. “Goddammit, Rey! What the hell?”

I’m frozen in place, unable to move, unable to process it all. 

“It’s all real. It’s not a dream.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for being so patient with me! August has been rough with one thing after another. My cat had an emergency vet visit (he's okay- just some kitty stones!), then I moved two days later, and now I've been without power for a week. 
> 
> Some of you may have heard about the storms that swept through Iowa if you're in the States. My town was one of the hardest hit. Luckily, I'm okay and have friends and family who are able to help me out. However, not everyone is that lucky. Many people have had their homes and businesses destroyed and many many more have been without power and will continue to be without power for the next few days. If you would like to help out, please send a donation to a local nonprofit. I recommend 'HACAP' who has been on the ground since day one providing food and assistance to those affected by the Derecho. Make sure to donate to their Food Reservoir or General Fund. 
> 
> [HACAP Donation Page](https://www.hacap.org/how-to-help/how-donate/)
> 
> If you would like to learn more about the Storm here are some article links!
> 
> [New York Times](https://www.nytimes.com/2020/08/13/us/derecho-iowa-storm.html)
> 
> [NPR](https://www.npr.org/2020/08/13/902106373/after-devastating-derecho-midwest-takes-stock-of-the-damage)
> 
> I will do my best to start uploading weekly again. Until then, thanks for reading! And if you donated, thank you so much for your donation. Every dollar helps and every dollar goes right into helping the community.


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “'Cause I can feel you when I'm low  
> I can feel you when I'm high  
> And struggle to sleep when I'm alone, I'm alone  
> 'Cause I can't get you out of my mind  
> 'Cause nothing is true, and no one is you  
> And nothing at all ever feels right  
> You're caught in my head, you're stuck in my mind  
> I'm trying my best to say my goodbyes, oh-oh-oh-oh  
> I think it's time to go, I think it's time to go  
> It's time to go...”
> 
> \- Time to Go, Dean Lewis

Ben wraps me in his coat and carries me and the chest back to the cabin. There's a clear path in the snow of our footprints. One set small and barefoot in the snow, a clear sign of my sleepwalking to the tree. The other set large and frantic from Ben’s booted feet as he ran after me. We’re both quiet. My mind is racing and struggling to comprehend everything I just experienced and Ben… Ben is pissed and trying very hard to keep it under wraps. 

We never get a break do we?

The cabin is chilly when we get back. The fire has died down to embers and ash, but Ben sets me down beside it anyway. I keep ahold of the chest even as Ben wraps me in blankets and tries to get the fire going again. 

Even now, I’m still unsure if this is reality or not. It feels real. It’s not fuzzy like dissociating. It’s far too vivid and consistent to be a dream. 

And yet- 

And yet.

Hallucinations, maybe. 

I hallucinated myself. A version of myself that’s a little older and more like a book character or something than it is myself. The same, yet different. 

That doesn’t explain the tree though. It doesn’t explain the chest of old books in my lap. 

If I open them, will they be blank? Will they be filled with dark secrets of the universe? Will I fall truly insane? 

My hand hovers over the lid. 

Ben is kneeling in front of the fire. His eyes dark even as he stares into the warm light of the flames. His fists clench and unclench as he struggles to get his breathing under control. 

“Were you sleepwalking?”

I nod slowly. “I think so. Is this real? Or am I dreaming again? This feels real.”

Ben stills then slowly looks over at me. The darkness in his eyes is replaced with worried concern. “This is real. I’m real. Are you sick?”

His hand reaches out and presses against my forehead. I sigh and lean into his touch. He’s warm and solid and here. He’s real. I’m out of whatever dream I had. I’m back where I’m supposed to be. 

“You’re a little warm.” Ben takes his hand away and he swallows. “I woke up and you were gone. I thought- I thought maybe someone had found us and taken you.”

I only nod. I don’t really know what to say to that. I can only acknowledge it.

“What happened? In your dream?”

“I’m not so sure it was a dream,” I say. Ben nods and sits back, folding his arms around his knees. He listens intently as I tell him of the rainforest and Rey. How it all disappeared and I found the hollow tree. The strange feeling it gave me and how Rey appeared to me again when I found the chest. How I wasn’t sure if I was still dreaming. How it all seemed impossible and like I was going crazy. 

I meant what I said when I said no secrets between us anymore. I told him everything even if it meant he might not believe me. If he would confirm that I was indeed going insane. Instead, he said- 

“I felt it too. The pull to the tree. There was something strange about it- like I couldn’t walk away from it. And I knew you were in there, not just because of your tracks. I don’t think you're crazy, Rey. I just don’t know what it all means. But I believe you.” He gives me a long look then reaches out to brush the hair out of my eyes. His gaze drops to the chest in my lap. “Should we see what they say?”

I nod and hand him the small chest. He takes it from me and sets it on the ground between us to open the lid. Ben plucks one book from inside- one of the older ones with frayed leather and years of wear and tear on its spine. He opens the cover to reveal the first page and I’m surprised to see inky cursive handwriting scrawled across the pages. The pages are covered in the script, the letters pressed together so tightly they’re nearly unreadable. The script was elegant, old, and practiced, even though the author seemed to have been in a hurry to get as much down as he or she could have. Ben flipped carefully through the pages. Some of them were damaged with water or tea. There was another section black with spilled ink and a few frayed edges of pages ripped out. 

“What does it say? Is there an author?”

Ben shakes his head. “I haven’t seen any names. It's a bit difficult to read. I’m not sure if I can read it actually. It’s all gibberish.”

“Here- Can I?” I offer my hand and Ben hands me the book before going for another. I trace my finger over the inked pages trying to decipher anything that looks familiar. And there was- Something familiar, I mean. 

“This one is just filled with weird symbols.” Ben frowns as he studies the pages in front of him. “The whole thing. Like a different language or code.”

“I think…” A memory resurfaces out of the darkness of my childhood like a fog-filled bubble bursting at the surface of my mind. “It’s written backwards. A mirror font.”

Ben gives me a strange look. 

“A mirror font,” I say again as if repeating it would help. “Da Vinci? You have to hold it up to a mirror to see the letters in the right way. We… Some of the kids I lived with would write notes with it so that no one could just peak and understand what we were writing. Most adults weren’t smart enough to figure it out.”

“Do you recognize this, too?” Ben hands me the second book with the pages opened. It’s the same ink. The same handwriting, at least I think it is. But, instead of letters or words, there are just rows and rows of angular symbols. I shake my head. 

“Another language, maybe? They almost look like runes.”

“It could be completely made up.”

“Do you think they’re copies of each other? Or completely different?” I studied the leather backings of the two books. They were nearly identical. Varying only a little in color and wear and tear. Ben could only shrug. 

“They look the same almost. Old. But not ancient. The two others look newer. But this one-” Ben pulls out the third book. It looks similar to the first two only instead of words, there’s numbers and tables and drawings as if it came from the nightmares of a physicist. At least, there were mostly numbers. Some notes were written haphazardly. Whole equations scratched out. Ben handed it to me almost immediately, but I had barely gotten through a half-semester of pre-calculus, so the numbers had about as much meaning to me as they did to Ben. The fourth and final book of the old set had been filled with drawings of strange creatures and buildings scratched out in black ink. Notes filled the margins around the drawings in simple English. 

Ben left the chest, standing as he flipped through the pages and quietly squinted to make out the hasty script. He sat on the edge of the bed, hand running through his long black hair- now greasy from the days we’d been here. I set my three books of nonsense aside and turned the small wooden chest back to face me. The remaining two books that it held were different. Still leather-bound, but the leather had minimal wear and tear. It was still stiff and unbroken, newer than the first four books. 

I open one, expecting to find more things that didn’t make sense. Instead, I find rows of neat lettering with a ballpoint pen rather than the previous inky scratches of a fountain pen. The handwriting seems familiar. I know I’ve seen that tiny, tidy script somewhere before, but I can’t place it. 

“Does this look familiar to you?” I hold out the open book to Ben and he pulls his eyes away from the book in his hands. 

He frowns, his brow coming together. There’s a familiar darkness in his eyes even as he snaps his book shut and stands to pace the room. “Of course. Of course, this all comes back to us. Of course- Fuck!”

“What is it?”

“That’s Luke’s handwriting.”

“Oh.”

Before we can say more, my ears pick up an unfamiliar sound. After days of wind and eerie quiet, the whiny hum of engines echoes through the forest like a shot. Ben and I freeze in place listening as the noise draws closer. It only takes a few seconds to decide that the sound is most definitely coming towards us. 

“Is it-” I don’t want to ask. I don’t know if I want to know. Could he- Could  _ my father  _ have found me so easily? Was he coming for me? Did he want me dead? Why? What did I do? What does he want from me?

“Rey.” Ben kneels in front of me with my shoulders in his hands and shakes me from my thoughts. “Hide in the bathroom, okay? Don’t come out until I say it’s safe. It might just be neighbors who saw the smoke and are coming to check on us. Grab your boots and jacket in case something happens. And if something happens, run out the door and take a left and don’t stop running, okay? No matter what happens to me. Keep going east and you’ll run into Ahch-To Lake. The town is on the other side.”

“What- No. I’m not leaving you.” The sound of the engines was growing closer still. We had maybe seconds before they pulled up on the cabin. 

“Your life is far more important than mine, love.” Ben kisses me on the forehead swiftly and pulls me to my feet. I grab my things and hurry to the tiny bathroom as Ben stuffs away the books back in the chest. As I pull on my pants and boots and jacket, I can hear the wine of engines just outside the thin walls of the cabin. A moment later, the engines cut off and I am plunged into anxious silence. 

Every second is an hour as I’m frozen in place listening to the sound of heavy footsteps and a knock at the door. It comes as two heavy thuds against the wood. I hold my breath, not daring to move as the bolt slides away and the door creaks open.

“Uncle Chewie?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alas, the time in the cabin is coming to an end, but part two is just getting started. 
> 
> I don't know what hit me today, but I got so much done! Lots of new chapters coming soon. We're almost to 200 kudos which is far far far more than I ever even expected or dreamed. As always thank you so much for reading <3


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “And I don't blame ya dear  
> For running like you did, all these years  
> I would do the same, you best believe  
> And the highway signs say we're close  
> But I don't read those things anymore  
> I never trusted my own eyes  
> When we were young  
> Oh oh, we did enough  
> When it got cold,  
> Ooh ooh we bundled up  
> I can't be told,  
> Ah ah, can't be done  
> Keep your head up, keep your love  
> Keep your head up, my love  
> Keep your head up, my love  
> Keep your head up, keep your love.”
> 
> \- Stubborn Love, The Lumineers

“Where’s the girl?” A low, gruff voice grunts in reply. It’s one that I recognize, though it takes me a moment to place it. The man from the party. The one who was talking to Hux. 

“Will you let me in already? It’s freezing out here.”

Han?

“Dad?”

“You’ve got a lot of explaining to do. I’m glad you’re okay, but where is she?” At the sound of Han’s voice, I feel hot tears running down my cheeks as the exhaustion of the days on the run finally overtakes me. I slip out of the bathroom and am in Han’s arms before he can blink. To my surprise, he doesn’t move away but pulls me closer. Ben doesn’t escape the hug either, pulled in beside me rather begrudgingly. But I wrap an arm around him and he relents. 

“We didn’t know what to do- everything happened so quickly and they kidnapped us and I thought he was going to kill Ben but then Hux shot everyone and he told us to run and he died and so we took the car and we came up here and then the storm hit and-”

“Slow down there, kid. Take a deep breath. We know a little about what happened.” Han lets go of me, but Ben stays there beside me. I let him lead me back to the fire, not realizing that I had been violently shivering. In moments I’m wrapped in blankets by the heat of the flames and slowly warming up. 

Han grabs one of the dining table chairs and moves it closer to the fire. Chewie just stands there. He hasn’t changed much since the party- still as tall and bearded and the closest thing to a giant that I’ve ever seen. He has kind, dark eyes and roughened, tan skin and he’s looking at me with great interest. I’m not scared of him though. There’s a friendliness that he radiates, though I could see the terror the man could inspire if you were on his bad side. 

I look away as Ben returns to me with a mug of water to warm by the fire. He doesn’t stay on the ground though, opting instead to stand behind me protectively and glare at his father. I couldn’t see that bit, but I was sure it was happening. 

“What do you know?” I glance between Chewie and Han and pull the blankets tighter still around me. 

“We know that Ben was trying to take down Snoke.” Han leans forward bracing his elbows on his knees and clasping his hands together. “As soon as we knew you were missing, I went through Ben’s room. Found photos and notes on Snoke. Drove around town until I found Maz’s car and checked every abandoned house in a five-block radius until I found the right one. But it looked like you two didn’t leave there willingly, so I called Chewie. Told him what happened and he told me to meet him at a warehouse outside of town.”

“Thought my nephew and his girlfriend might be the two people we were missing from the crime scene. Hux was an asset. But you knew that.” Chewie’s eyes meet mine. 

“Are you the Wookie?” I ask.

Chewie laughs, though I’m not sure if a laugh or a roar is a better way to describe it. “Yeah. My first boss called me that. It was supposed to be Rookie, but he had a speech impediment. Sort of stuck.”

“Figured he told you to take the car and get out of town. Knowing Ben,” Han’s eyes flicker up to meet his son’s, “He’d take you to the safest place he knew. Checked out a few other places I thought he might know about, but the storm set in before we could get very far.”

“What we don’t know is why.” Chewie’s low voice rumbles through the cabin. 

I glance back at Ben wondering how much I should say. Or if I should say anything at all. Leave it at Snoke and make up a reason for running. Ben gives me a little nod of reassurance and I take a deep breath. “Do you know Soel Palpatine?”

All light disappears from Han and Chewie’s faces. It’s replaced with a terrifying dead seriousness. Han glances at Chewie with a look that tells me he knows a lot more about this than he might let on. “What about that bastard?”

“He’s my father. And I think he killed my mother.”

Han frowns. “Who told you that, kid?”

“Snoke. But he wasn’t lying. He- He just wasn’t lying. He wanted me as leverage or a present or something to close a deal with him- my father.”

“Hux told us to run. That Palpatine would be looking for her.” Ben supplies. 

“Hunting me. He said hunting. Like my mother.”

Han runs his hands over his face and through his hair. It reminds me of Ben in an uncanny way. The two looked almost nothing alike, and yet-

“If Soel wants you he won’t stop until he has you. He’s the most powerful drug lord on the Eastern Seaboard.” Han looks at Chewie. “What do you think? We could smuggle her up to Canada.”

“I don’t want to live my life on the run,” I say as Ben replies-

“She’s not going anywhere without me.”

“We’ve been working for years to take Palpatine down.” Chewie’s gears turn slowly as he mulls over what must have been countless possibilities. “I let the company know who she is and they’ll want to use her to draw him out. I say nothing and she doesn’t get half as much protection as she should have. She doesn’t know anything about their affairs, so Wit-Pro is out of the question.”

“Witness Protection is bullshit anyway,” Han grumbles. 

“I think the safest option is for Rey to go back home and remain in plain sight. I’ll stay. Call in a few favors for a protective detail. With any luck, Rey can return to her life as normal. Just a bit more careful.”

“I don’t even know if Maz will want me back.” I wouldn’t blame her if she didn’t. 

“She wants you back, kid.” Han nods assuringly. “We all want you both back. Besides, I’d like to see Soel try to get through Maz.”

Chewie moves away from the three of us towards the kitchen. He peeks out of the curtain and grunts, “We’d better get going if we want back into town before dark. Pack up. Layer up.”

Ben jumps into action as Chewie steps out to run the snowmobiles. I watch from the warmth of the fire as Ben starts throwing things in bags and putting on his own clothes. I’m completely exhausted and still shivering even as I sit next to the fire wrapped in at least three blankets. There’s an achy soreness slowly creeping into my sides and a pressure building in my head. Ben brings me a pile of clothing and frowns as he looks at me. “Are you feeling okay?”

Before I can even begin to come up with an answer, he’s on his knees beside me. He presses a massive hand against my forehead for a few minutes. “You’re burning up.”

My teeth won’t stop chattering, so I nod. Ben looks back at his father who is trying to hide a little smile as he watches us. “How far to town?”

“Half hour. Is she okay?”

“Feverish,” Ben replies before turning back to me. “Can you make it half an hour in the cold, princess?”

I roll my eyes and nod, loving the little smile that twitches at the corner of Ben’s mouth. “I can… Ride with Chewie.”

I manage to pull on about a billion layers of clothing and Ben uses the rest of the hand warmers we have. He sticks them in my boots and coat and gloves. I’m so tightly packed in that I feel like a giant marshmallow as I stand up to go outside. 

Chewie is already sitting on a snowmobile ready for me as he pulls on his massive gloves. I stop to catch my breath at the top of the stairs and ready myself to waddle down them into the snow, but I’m stopped by the sound of Han’s voice still in the cabin with Ben. 

“You had your mother worried sick, Ben. She might yell at you a little when you get back, but she’s not angry.” Han pauses for a moment as Ben says something I can’t quite make out. “You kept her safe. You did what you had to do. I would’ve done the same thing for your mother. I’m proud of you, Ben.”

My heart and foggy, feverish mind soar at Han’s words. I smile giddily as I grab the railing and slowly try to make my way down the icy stairs. In seconds, Ben is already at my side, steadying me as I struggle. He walks ahead of me to clear a path to Chewie. The stubborn part of me wants to yell ‘I’m fine! I can handle this!’ But the other part of me is curious about the feeling in my heart. Cared for. Loved. Protected. I’d never felt that before Ben. It was different from Maz’s way of caring for me. She came by those traits out of obligation. Ben had no such obligations to me. 

I get on the back of the snowmobile and wrap my tiny arms around the massive man in front of me. Even in the chill of the short winter evening, I can still feel massive amounts of heat radiating off of Chewie. I lock my hands into the man’s coat knowing full well that there was a chance I would fall asleep. Ben pulls my hood down lower over my face. 

“Keep your face buried so you don’t get wind or snow burn. Dad and I’ll be right behind you.” Ben smiles as I sniff up snot that’s running from my nose. He kisses my forehead gently. “You’re cute when you’re sick.”

_ He really likes me.  _ I giggle at the thought. 

“What?”

“You liiikkeee me,” I tease as more giggles burst from my chest. 

Ben rolls his eyes and smiles brilliantly. He pulls my hood practically over my eyes and walks off to join his dad. I take one last look at the little cabin that’s been our refuge for the past few nights. We’d have to come back someday. Maybe in the summer. We could swim in the lake or hang out around the fire. I think Leia would like that. 

The snowmobile revs loudly and we take off a moment later. I bury my face into Chewie’s back as wind and snow whip around us. I’ve never ridden on a snowmobile before, but I can assure you that a good first time is not when you’re definitely sick with a fever and very close to throwing up. I never throw up.

I cling to Chewie’s back and do my best to keep all the warmth I can inside my coat. My feet are warm thanks to the heat packs Ben stuffed into my boots, but five minutes in I can hardly tell that I have thighs. I lose track of time and only realize that we’ve come to a lake when the bumpy terrain turns incredibly smooth and the wind rips away my hood. The lake is frozen over completely, so rather than circumvent it into town, Chewie takes us straight across and up a snowy marina boat ramp. 

From there, only a few moments and words are exchanged as the snowmobiles are returned to their owner and Ben and I are hurried into the backseat of a large pickup truck. The world is hazy in front of my eyes that just can’t seem to stay open. I vaguely remember stopping at a gas station and having medicine and liquids gently pushed at me by a very concerned Ben.  _ He’s cute when he’s worried. _

I fall asleep with my head in his lap and his fingers running through my hair. When I wake again, I find myself back in my bed at Maz’s. For a moment, I wonder if it was all but a dream, then I shift and the door opens and Ben’s there. And I’m here. And nothing anymore is clear.


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Breathe deep, breathe clear  
> Know that I'm here, know that I'm here  
> Waiting  
> Stay strong, stay gold  
> You don't have to fear, you don't have to fear  
> Waiting  
> I'll see you soon, I'll see you soon  
> How could a heart like yours ever love a heart like mine?  
> How could I live before?  
> How could I have been so blind?  
> You opened up my eyes  
> You opened up my eyes  
> Sleep sound, sleep tight...”
> 
> \- Heart Like Yours, Wilamette Stone

The first half-hour of the ride is quiet which was almost worse than the chewing out Ben was expecting from his father. Han drove though it was Uncle Chewie’s truck while Chewie co-piloted from the passenger seat. The radio had been turned off. There wasn’t even a GPS to comment on the drive. Just long forest-lined roads hastily plowed and barely acceptable to drive on. 

Ben kept his eyes on the window or on the girl asleep in his lap. With one hand, he ran his fingers through her long brown hair and kept an eye on her fever. Her hair was longer than it had been when they first met. A little dirty and greasy from their prolonged stay in the cabin, but Ben didn’t mind. His hair wasn’t doing any better and the thought of a hot shower at the end of this ride was about the only thing keeping him in his seat. 

His other hand traced soft patterns against the smooth skin of her arm beneath the blanket. Ben closed his eyes and tried to concentrate on the weight of her beside him and the soft sound of her breathing. 

Rey. 

His Rey. If she would let him be hers- even for a little while- it would be worth it. And if she decided to leave him? Ben wouldn’t blame her. He was damaged goods. Trouble and pain and heartbreak seemed to follow him everywhere he went, even as a kid. He knew she’d be better off without him, but Rey had let him know that wasn’t his choice to make. 

Snoke was gone. And the few days in the cabin had shown Ben that revenge on Snoke had been the only thing keeping him going for so long. What had that gotten him? Lily was still gone. Poe… Poe might never speak to him again. Is that what he had wanted? Poe’s forgiveness? Revenge? For the universe to fix his mistakes and bring Lily back? Ben wasn’t so sure anymore. He didn’t know if he had ever been sure. 

He couldn’t make Poe forgive him. He couldn’t bring Lily back. Snoke’s life had ended with a bullet to the head. The man who saved him and Rey- dead. 

The only thing that made sense anymore was her. He had to protect her. No matter what. Whatever awaited from him at home or school or the future didn’t matter as long as she was safe and he was near. 

“Is she asleep?”

Ben knew his father wouldn’t keep quiet for long. He had promised every detail of the last week. Well. Not  _ every  _ detail. The more people trying to keep Rey safe and the more they knew, the better. 

He gazed down at Rey’s peaceful face. Ben could tell that almost nothing would wake her right now. “Yeah, she’s asleep.”

“Good,” Han grunted. “Tell us everything.”

“How far back?” There was so much to cover. So many things Ben wasn’t sure if he could explain. Not without Rey and him ending up in the psycho ward. 

“Far back as you need, son.” 

His grandparents were too far back. Too murky still. Han and Leia and Luke were hiding things from him, Ben could feel it. 

_ Okay. Maybe ‘everything’ is not a great idea.  _

_ He still doesn’t know about Poe.  _

His throat constricted and Ben tried to swallow. That wasn’t a talk he was ready to have with Han yet. He hadn’t even told Leia. No one knew. No one but Rey. And he was already the disappointment druggie artist. Why add to that? Why-

Rey shifted slightly and Ben took a deep breath to fight the thoughts in his head. He only had to tell them what they needed to know.

Night fell long before they arrived back in Republic. Rey had not woken even as they had stopped for food and bathroom breaks. He had refused to leave her side, only dashing out to piss when he was sure he was about to ruin his pants. 

The medicine seemed to cool her only slightly as her fever raged beneath his fingertips. Cold sweat shone against her skin and she shivered at times despite the pile of quilts wrapped around her. 

He should have woken up when he felt her get out of bed. He shouldn’t have fallen back asleep before he could hear the cabin door open and close. The bed had been so warm and he had been so tired. Ben had never slept as well in his life as he did sharing a bed with her. 

Not even a few days into protecting her and she was already sick. He knew that she’d be okay, eventually. But for now, he felt completely helpless to stop her fever. As soon as she woke up, he’d do everything he could to help her feel better. Soup. Crackers. Juice. Tea and hot baths. Whatever she wanted. 

Ben ran his fingers through her sweaty hair, brushing it away from her face. Outside, the streets of Republic were blue and amber with street light reflecting from the snow. Downtown was picturesque with Christmas lights. Already the grand Christmas tree had been raised in the town square. He hoped he hadn't missed the lighting ceremony. Rey would love that. He’d get her hot cocoa and kiss her beneath the mistletoe and teach her how to ice skate and- 

Ben never wanted to do any of this before. It had been years since he attended the festival even though his mother was the head board member for the event. Actually, that was probably the precise reason he had stopped going. But now… Now he had Rey. And an uncontrollable urge to do anything she wanted if it would make her happy. 

Maybe the next time they went out wouldn’t end with a hospital trip or a murder. 

One could hope. 

The truck roared to a stop outside Ben’s home. Every light in the house was on- a beacon against the darkness of the surrounding neighborhood. The engine shut off. Ben took a deep breath as the door to the house swung open and the backlit figure of his mother appeared in the doorway. Even relatively safe inside the truck, Ben could feel his mother’s stern wrath. 

Ben unbuckled and, opening the door, slowly slid out from beneath Rey’s head. She gave a small whimper of protest but still did not wake. He carefully drew her from the truck and she curled into his chest as he carried her across the yard and up the stairs of the porch.

Leia’s face softened from simmering anger to worry as she realized who Ben was carrying. She looked from Rey to him, her warm brown eyes losing their creases. 

“She has a fever.” Ben offered up quietly. It was an olive branch he hoped his mother would take. 

“Bring her inside.” Leia placed a soft hand on his arm and Ben nodded, stepping inside and turning to the couch to see that it was already full. 

Poe jumped to his feet, quickly followed by Rose and Finn. Ben was sure that if he weren't carrying Rey, Poe would have decked him by now. The trio cleared the couch quickly, and Ben lowered Rey down onto it. Her grip around his neck was surprisingly strong for being both sick and asleep, but he eventually untangled himself and turned to the increasingly crowded room. 

“Mr. Dameron, she’s home safe now. Please escort Miss Tico and Mr. Johnson home.” 

Ben gritted his teeth at the sound of his mother’s teaching voice. Poe made to argue, but Leia held a hand up to stop him. 

“Now, Dameron. Rey will message you when she is ready.”

Poe glanced at Ben then down at Rey sleeping behind him and scowled. Ben was prepared for a fight now, he still hadn’t forgotten about the last time. Or the time before that. But now, he knew what Rey would want. He knew he had to try at least to make amends with Poe. No matter how much it would pain him. 

“I’ll message you. Poe.” Ben said. 

Rose’s eyes went wide as she looked between the two boys. Ben kept his gaze focussed on Poe. There was a moment’s hesitation, then Poe nodded. He left without a world and Rose and Finn followed offering quiet goodbyes to Leia and Han. 

Ben relaxed a little, only to jump when Maz appeared at the kitchen door. “Sit. Let’s have tea.”

“Not just tea I hope,” Han grumbled.

“Oh, I have some of your special tea, Han Solo. And an extra-large one for my boyfriend.” Maz winked at Uncle Chewie and Ben held back a gag. How the hell did they know each other? Uncle Chewie only noncommittally grunted but followed Han into the kitchen to the promised whiskey. 

Ben turned back to Rey, kneeling to adjust the blankets on her and check her temperature. The fever still hadn’t broken, but she slept soundly. She was due for more medicine. There was usually some in the cabinet. He could grab it and maybe wake her up just enough to get her to take it- even if it, in her opinion, “tasted like rat’s ass”. 

Just as he was about to fetch the medicine, Ben felt his mother’s warm and gentle, but firm, hand on his shoulder. She stood beside him for a moment looking down at the sleeping girl and sighed deeply. Leia pressed the back of her hand to Rey’s forehead and frowned a little. “How long has she had this fever?”

Panic rose in Ben’s chest. “Since before we left the cabin. Why? It should have broken by now, right? Is she okay?”

“Ben, she’ll be just fine. She’s strong. I’ll go grab some medicine and a cool rag.” Her hand fell from his shoulder. 

“No- No, I’ll do it.” Ben stood to rush away to the medicine cabinet, only to be stopped by his mother’s hand around his wrist. He looked down, though not able to meet her eye. He had overtaken her in height a long time ago, but Leia never failed in making him feel like a little boy again. 

“We’re all going to take care of her now. You can’t do it alone and you won’t.”

“Did Han- Did Dad tell you what happened?” He dared a glimpse at his mother’s face terrified of what he might find, but discovering only a gentle love in her eyes. He couldn’t look for long; the feeling of her love sitting unsettled in his chest. He didn’t deserve it. 

“He told me you were very brave. That you put your life on the line to protect hers. That you did what you thought you had to to keep yourselves safe.” Gentle hands brushed strands of long black hair from his face. “I have no idea why you wouldn’t have just come home-”

Ben pulled away from her at the sudden change in her tone, but Leia held her grip on him and waited until he looked at her once more. 

“But, for whatever reason you made that decision, it doesn’t matter as long as you're safe. I- I cannot lose you, Benjamin. I-” Tears filled her brown eyes as Ben tried to fight back his own. He pulled her into his arms holding her close and breathing in her familiar scent of lavender and honey and rosemary. She parted from him a moment later patting him gently. “I’ll grab her medicine. Go sit in the kitchen. No whiskey.”

As she walked away, there was a soft rap at the front door moments before it swung open. In an instant, Han and Chewie were in front of Ben, “tea” in one hand, guns in the other, and a very grim Luke looking between them. 

“Sorry for barging in. I knew there would come a day where my sister would try to kill me.” Luke raised his eyebrow at the small pistol Leia had whipped out from nowhere. “It seems there have been developments.”

_ How many guns do we own? Why does my mother have one? Why does it seem like they’ve definitely done this before? _

The old man stomped his snowy boots on the entryway mat as everyone slowly lowered their weapons. Where his father had gotten one, Ben had no idea. 

“Stay quiet. Kid’s sick and sleeping.” Han glanced back at him and returned to the kitchen, squeezing past Maz. It was only then that Ben realized she was also carrying not one but two weapons. A gun for each hand.  _ Had they always been this prepared?  _ The tiny woman glared at Luke for a moment before returning to the kitchen with Chewie. 

Luke barely acknowledged Ben as he passed through to the kitchen. Outside of the therapy building, Ben had never seen his uncle hold a smile for more than half a second. The old man never seemed angry, only incredibly, constantly disgruntled. That was...Unfortunate, as Luke might be the only one who would be able to tell them about those books. 

Rey made a small sound behind him and Ben broke his gaze away from his uncle to the woman beside him. He knelt beside her once more and took her hand. His mother was right. Rey would be well protected here. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time to go back home. I'm just chuckling to myself thinking about a pissed off Han Solo flying the Falcon in awkward silence while Ben sits in the back seats waiting to get chewed out. 
> 
> I'd also like to think that the Solo family circles the wagons, so to speak, in times of crisis. Leia isn't letting anyone or anything hurt her babies. Anyone who tries will have to go through half a dozen people armed to the tooth. 
> 
> Chewie definitely works for a government organization as a criminal turned agent. No, he will not tell you which one he works for. 
> 
> Ben is so hopelessly in love with Rey he doesn't even know what to do with himself.


	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Keep you in the dark  
> You know they all pretend  
> Keep you in the dark  
> And so it all began  
> Send in your skeletons  
> Sing as their bones go marching in, again  
> They need you buried deep  
> The secrets that you keep are ever ready  
> Are you ready?  
> I'm finished making sense  
> Done pleading ignorance  
> That whole defense  
> Spinning infinity, boy  
> The wheel is spinning me  
> It's never-ending, never-ending  
> Same old story…”
> 
> \- The Pretender, Foo Fighter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Brief Mentions of Pedophilia

“She may be eighteen in actuality, but as long as she’s less than eighteen on paper, she’s staying with me.” Ben watched as Maz leaned forward back against her chair, a cup of tea and two pistols unloaded on the table in front of her.

“I can put in a request to the school board for more security personnel. And if they won’t approve it we can…” Leia glanced at Han. “We can dip into the savings account.”

Ben frowned, not entirely sure that this was the sort of savings account you could get at the local bank. It wasn’t like they weren’t strapped for cash or anything, but that was not the way one talked about a normal savings account. If he’d learned anything in the last few days it was that the Solo-Organa family had more than its fair share of secrets. 

“I’ll stay. Keep an eye on her. Keep tabs on Palpatine.” Chewie nursed his own cup of tea that was definitely not tea and definitely one hundred percent whiskey. 

Ben was fairly certain Maz had slipped in a bit of whiskey to his cup of tea. He wasn’t much of a tea drinker but he was sure it wasn’t supposed to burn when you drank it. He welcomed the small amount of warmth it brought him. It was a sign of things to come, however. He was no longer innocent. No longer something to be defended. 

Graduated from the kid’s table, one might say. 

“Until Palpatine gets taken care of, she can’t go anywhere alone. She can’t be anywhere unguarded. No parties. No sneaking out.” Leia’s eyes fell on Ben and he felt the raw power his mother so often employed. There was no question who was in command here. 

_Never good enough._

“And how do we do that exactly?” Ben leaned forward. If he was no longer a kid, he needed to be a part of this. “Take him down?”

Leia set her teacup down slowly. “ _We_ are going to keep you and Rey safe. _You_ have done enough.”

He had hadn’t he? Ben gripped the cup in his hand until it threatened to shatter. He was the reason they were in this mess, no matter what anyway else tried to say. He was the reason. “That still doesn’t answer my question.”

“It’s not in our hands, Ben. The authorities-”

“The authorities are bullshit!” Ben slammed the teacup down and it shattered across the table. “They going to handle Palpatine like they handled Snoke? Paid off and looking the other way?”

Tea dripped slowly off the edges of the table and on to the floor. He had rarely seen his mother so angry. It simmered beneath the surface of her skin, a thin facade of control and power. His father looked the other way and Luke… Luke just looked smugly grim. Ben dropped his gaze to his hand, a fresh cut from the broken cup oozed bright red. Nothing had changed. Nothing had ever changed.

“There are things you do not know and do not need to know, Benjamin. Chewie’s contacts will be informing us of any plans Palpatine may have. When we know more, it will be taken care of. Until then, you are grounded. You go to school. You come home. You stay home. Rey will do the same.” 

“I can’t let her sleep alone.”

Ben regretted those words the instant they came out. Leia remained unimpressed while Maz raised her eyebrow and Han- well- His father looked a little impressed, but he was trying his damndest to hide it. 

“I do not care what you did in that cabin, young man-”

“No! No, it’s not like that.” He flinched under his mother’s knowing eyes. “Okay. A little, but it’s not- She has nightmares. She says they only go away when she’s around me and you can’t keep me here. Not anymore.”

Ben pleaded for help from Maz and when all eyes had turned to her she sighed. “Yes. I will make up the spare bedroom and you can stay there. But neither of you are leaving that house without Chewie. At the very least it will keep her from sneaking out again. And, strategically, one house is easier to defend than two.”

Leia pursed her lips and nodded reluctantly. Ben sat back a little more relaxed than before. The spare bedroom was barely ten feet away. 

“What news about Palpatine? What deals was Snoke trying to make with him?”

“Armitage Hux was my asset within Snoke’s operation. He was there to run information, mostly, but his main mission was to eventually work his way into dealing with Palpatine. Which was nearly successful until Snoke decided to go hunting for kids.”

“Nevermind the fact that he was hunting kids the whole time.” The mumbled words slip out from his lips before Ben can stop them and the world around him stops. The room was eerily quiet as all eyes landed on him and his heart began to race. 

“What do you mean, Ben?” 

He wanted to throw up. Run away. Anything to get rid of the nasty feeling rushing up inside of him. The memories of closed doors and knobby fingers and crying. Those who suffered at the whims of his master and the mistakes Ben made. 

“It doesn’t matter, Snoke’s dead now.” It was all he could manage. Ben stood from the table and walked away from the table. He heard the chair screech of his mother trying to get up, but she never came after him as he disappeared into the living room. Rey lay on the couch, her hair a mess, drool dripping from her lips. He sat at the foot of the couch and rested his head against the leather, listening to the sound of her breathing. 

Snoke was gone. Dead. There was no coming back for him. Ben had seen the evidence, seen the bullet hole. He was gone. So why did he still feel the weight of that monster’s gaze? Why could he still smell the rancid breath? His mind flashed momentarily to the heady weight of Spice. The call of the drug to his system like a siren’s song. Ben rubbed his eyes in his hands trying to push the thoughts away. 

“You’re only tired. You’re only scared. Take a shower. Sleep.” Ben whispered to himself until the words became the only thing in his mind. Rey shifted behind him, mumbling incoherently as her hand stretched out and waved through the air until her tiny hand found his chest. She held her palm against his heartbeat and sighed, contented. 

He was wrong. Things had changed. Things were no longer the same. He wasn’t alone anymore.

“He’s been through a lot Leia, they both have.” Maz’s whispered, but the voices from the kitchen always carried through the house when the heating vents were open.

“He won’t tell me anything. He doesn’t trust me anymore. I-” Ben's chest ached at the sound of his mother’s quiet tears.

“I worry that he is not the best thing for Rey right now.” Luke’s voice carried even better as if he wasn’t even afraid Ben would hear him. “He’s always been unstable, even before Snoke. That’s why you sent him to me.”

“Fat lot of good that’s done to him.” Maz’s voice was nearly a growl. 

“I can only help them if they want to be helped and I can tell you right now that boy does not want to be helped. He lets the darkness grow inside of him.” Luke was always clinical, always the third party observer. High and mighty. Ben clenched his fists forcing himself to keep listening. 

“Do you think… Her nightmares? Are they-”

“She’s the granddaughter of Sheev Palpatine. I do not think it’s a coincidence that they have found each other. He has too much of his grandfather in him. She will be his destruction.”

_Did they know? About-_

“Anakin destroyed himself.” Leia hissed. “He was a psychopath who chose Palpatine- chose power- over our mother and my son is _nothing_ like him. You haven’t seen the way he looks at her. You haven’t seen the way he protects her with his life.

“Like our father was _protecting_ her? He was obsessed with it, Leia- having visions- experimenting on-”

_Experimenting?_

“I know what he was, Luke. Ben is better than him. Ben will always be better than him. And if you ever- ever tell him he is like his grandfather, I will never speak to you again, brother. He has known too many horrible things in this world already. Don’t make yourself one of them.”

“You are blinded by your love for him.”

A chair screeched as it was pushed back. A moment later, Ben watched as Luke walked through the hall, putting on his coat and going out the door. 

“Should we tell them?” His father’s low rumble was barely audible.

“No. They can never know.”

“They’ll have questions. They already do, Leia.” Maz added. 

“Knowing is far more dangerous than not. We know what we must do.”

The kitchen table quietly cleared. A moment later, Maz and Chewie returned to the living room with coats in hand. Maz handed one to him and Ben took it gratefully. “Let’s get her home. You’ll have to sleep on the couch tonight.”

Ben nodded, the exhaustion hitting him all at once, though a million questions raced through his mind. He still turned to pick Rey up, but Chewie put a hand on his shoulder. The massive man picked Rey up like she weighed nothing and easily carried her out. 

Only minutes later, Rey was peacefully tucked under the blankets of her own bed. Whatever Leia had given her had been enough to break the fever and now all she could do was rest. Ben stood in the doorway, hand on the doorknob. He couldn’t bring himself to shut the door. 

He hadn’t let her out of his sight in so long. She was safe here with Maz and him and Chewie staked out outside. Sleeping on the couch would mean that anyone who tried to go upstairs would have to get past him. And bed- any bed- sounded so good right now. He was exhausted and gross and hungry and he should be taking care of those things. 

“Take a shower, kid. You smell to high heaven.” Maz exited her room wrapped up in a robe and sporting fuzzy slippers. Her usual mirth lacked its bite. “Seriously. Take a shower. Get some sleep. I’ll stay up and watch her.”

Ben slowly closed Rey’s bedroom door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Looks like they're going to have to go looking for answers on their own!
> 
> The week passes so fast, but I'm so happy to share this chapter with you (it's one of my favorites). Y'all have been so supportive and I can't thank you enough <3


	37. Chapter 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Though we're tethered to the story we must tell  
> When I saw you, well I knew we'd tell it well  
> With a whisper, we will tame the vicious seas  
> Like a feather bringing kingdoms to their knees…”
> 
> \- Turning Page, Sleeping At Last

The warm glow of morning light filters in through the thin yellow curtains pulled across the window. Ben sits at the foot of my bed, one hand filled with grapes and eyes darkened from lack of sleep. I watch him quietly as I blow away the steam from the tea he’s brought me. It’s almost like being back in the cabin again. 

My whole body aches and every movement feels like a marathon, but my fever’s broken for now and there's a promise of food if I can keep my tea down. 

“I texted Poe.”

I stop raising the cup halfway to my lips and set it gently on my lap. “You did?”

“He’s coming by with Finn and Rose later.” Ben pops a grape in his mouth and chews it methodically. “They were there last night when we got back.”

I frown, trying to draw the hazy memories of my feverish mind out. I could vaguely remember Leia waking me. And Ben beside me. Always beside me. And lots of other people. And Maz- Maz!

“Does she hate me? Oh my gods, is she pressing charges? Is Holdo coming today to get me?”

“What? What- No. Rey.” Ben’s hand wraps gently around my wrist, steadying the sploshing drink I hold in my lap. “I think she’s just happy you’re safe. She said- Last night- that you were staying with her for as long as you wanted to.”

I relax a little, though my still thoughts race. I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want to let go of this little life I had managed to carve out in Republic.  _ Technically, you’re an adult, Kira Palpatine.  _ “Do they know? About Palpatine?”

“Yeah, they all talked. Chewie, Mom, Dad, Maz, even Uncle Luke stopped by.” Ben’s face soured at the mention of his uncle. He pulled away, fiddling the grapes between his fingers. “Uncle Chewie is going to stick around. Keep an eye on you. And Mom was talking about hiring more security at the school.”

“They… They don’t have to do that. I’m not- Why would they-” My mind struggled to comprehend the idea. That they would care enough to want to protect me.

“We’re not going to let anything happen to you. You’re worth protecting, Rey.” Ben said it with such conviction that I couldn’t fight it, even if I wanted to. Part of me still wanted to.

“Did you tell them about the- about the books?” My voice drops to a whisper and I glance out the door, unsure of who could be outside listening. 

“No. Not until we can do a little more research. They’re in the floorboards.” Ben stares hard at the grapes and squishes one between his fingers. The juices splatter everywhere. He pops the pieces in his mouth and swallows. “They know more than they’re ever going to tell us. I heard them talking when I wasn’t in the room.”

“About what?”

“My grandfather. And Palpatine- not your father- your grandfather. It’s-” Ben rubbed his face and shook his head. “I’m still trying to wrap my head around it.”

“So, I’m guessing we’re not going to get answers from anyone.”

Ben shakes his head again, now gone silent. I let the subject fall away. He’d tell me when he was ready. “I don’t even know what day it is.”

“December 1st.”

I groan and fall back in bed. “I have so much school work.”

“Being hunted down by an ultra-rich drug lord isn’t conducive to getting schoolwork done. I’m sure Leia will understand.” 

I’m not sure if he’s teasing me, so I look up at him. Sure enough, there’s a sarcastic all-too-proud smile on his lips. I scowl and wack Ben with my pillow as he chuckles. He holds on to the pillow looking distracted as I sit up slowly and press my back to the headboard. His mind was on something far away, but I couldn’t figure out what. It was times like this I wish I were a mind reader. “I don’t think I had any nightmares last night. How long was I out?”

“It’s been almost fourteen hours. I think the meds helped. And I didn’t leave. Slept on the couch.” He runs his fingers through his long black hair, now clean and soft looking. 

I raise my fingers to feel it for myself but stop, my hand hovering between us. “Are we- Is this?”

In answer, Ben leans his head into my hand and I run my fingers through his hair. After a moment, he catches my wrist and gently kisses the palm. “I will never leave as long as you want me at your side.”

I sigh a little, relieved that nothing had changed between us after leaving the cabin. “You’ll even befriend Poe?”

“If he’ll let me.” Ben lets our hands fall to the bed, absentmindedly stroking my thumb with his own. 

“What is it?”

“I want to be better for you.”

“Ben-”

“No, please, Rey. I-I want to have a life with you. I want to bring you home to my parents and take you to the Festival of Lights and prom and I’ve never wanted that before. With anyone. A life. A future. Beyond here.”

A future. A life. It was hard to imagine really. Hard to think about even a few days from now. For so long I had been fighting to survive, dreaming about the next day or running away from it. But now it was here. Prom, college, a job, a place of my own if I was lucky. If I was even luckier, Ben would be at my side.

_ And my father behind me.  _

Was he already here watching my every move? Would he come to steal me away in the middle of the night? Would I spend the rest of my life running and looking over my shoulder never letting my guard down? Would everyone I loved be no more than a weakness to exploit to get to me?

What if he wasn’t hunting me at all? Or what if his intentions were pure? What if he was just a father longing to be reunited with his long lost daughter?

“I should just go to him,” I whisper through my cacophony of thoughts. “I’m putting everyone in danger.”

“No. No, you’re not going anywhere.” Ben’s hand tightens around my own as if he thinks he could keep me there. 

“If what Hux and Chewie said is true, he’s never going to stop hunting me. He won’t care who he hurts in the process as long as he gets me. He has all the money and the resources to make it happen-”

“We can protect you- We’re all going to-”

“You said the Republic police were corrupted by Snoke? Imagine what will happen when Palpatine gets his hands on them. I’ll never be safe, Ben. I’ll never be able to run far enough to escape his-

“Why would you just give yourself up like that? You can’t do that. You don’t know what he’ll-”

“Grasp. I can’t put you in danger like that. You’re all more important to me. I’m just a foster kid from Jakku. I’m nothing. I’m no one-”

“Not to me!” Ben’s chest heaves. The might of his yell silencing me and sending my heart racing. His eyes shimmer with tears on the edge of falling. He stands at the foot of the bed, forcing himself to stand apart from me. I’ve curled up on myself, holding my hot cup of tea like a shield between us. 

The door opens and Maz takes a step into the room. “Ben, go home. Your mother wants to speak with you.”

“I-”

“Now, Mr. Solo. Rey needs rest and a bath. You can come back over when Mr. Dameron gets here if Rey wants you to.”

Ben glances at me and I lower my eyes, not daring to look at them and see the pain they hold. He takes a few steps, stopping at the door. He doesn’t say anything, maybe he doesn’t know what to say. After a moment, he leaves. 

“There’s a hot bath ready for you. Then if you’re up for it Amilyn is downstairs. And some breakfast.”

“Is she here to take me away?” That’s how it always went. Believing anything different was dangerous. I had caused too much trouble and broken too many rules. I had stolen Maz’s car and abandoned it on the other side of town. Just that would be enough to get me sent to Juvie. Well. Sent back to Juvie. 

Maz sits down at the end of the bed and says nothing until I look up at her. She is wrapped in her normal robe. Though her eyes are ringed with dark circles, there’s a lightness to her face- relief, I think. “She’s not here to take you away- Just to check up on you. Take a bath and I’ll have some meds for you downstairs.”

I nod slowly and crawl out of bed as Maz leaves. Even hearing her say it, I don’t believe it. Not yet. The clawfoot tub is filled high with steaming hot water and lavender scented bubbles and I think it’s the best bath I’ve ever seen. My muscles groan in relief as I slide in. I soak until the water turns lukewarm, then scrub the days worth of sweat and grime and sickness from my skin and hair. 

When I rise from the half-gone bubbles and emerge dripping from the bath, I no longer feel like the girl I was just a week ago. Too much had passed. Too much had changed. I was exhausted and running on nothing but stress.

_ I shouldn’t have yelled at him like that.  _

I sigh and pat myself dry. I put on pajama pants and one of Ben’s baggy t-shirts and make my way downstairs to the living room. A warm fire crackles in the fireplace. On the couch there is a rather large, softly snoring, Chewie-shaped lump. I find Maz and my social worker in the dining room, each sipping tea. They stop chatting as I walk in and take my place in front of a plate of toast and eggs. 

“It’s good to see you, Rey.” Amilyn smiles and I glance at Maz, wondering how much she knows. Amilyn answers my unasked question instead. “Maz filled me in. And I agree. The safest thing for you to do is to stay here with her. But, you can leave if you wish to.”

The weight of her telling me that I could stay doesn’t fall off my shoulders like I thought it would. Instead, the weight grows heavier with the fact that everyone around me could be in danger if I stay. I take a small bite of food. “Where would I go if I left?”

“Back to the group home. It’s the safest place the system can offer for you. I could look into other options like moving you to another state or across the country, but that’s unlikely since you only have a short time until you turn 18. Of course, you could file for emancipation due to special circumstances, but you’d be completely on your own then.” Amilyn explains my options as she should in her capacity as my caseworker, but there’s a different edge to her tone. Pleading almost. “Like I said. It’s safest for you to stay here. Maz will keep you safe. And she’s more than willing to give you all the protection she can.”

I frown and set down my toast. “What do you mean?”

Amilyn glances at Maz who gives a little nod. She turns back to me with a little smile. “Maz would like to adopt you.”

“She- She’d- What?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trusting people is hard- I feel you on that, Rey. 
> 
> No housekeeping stuff, but I do want to say hi to all the new readers! Your comments give me life and so so so much motivation- keep it coming!


	38. Chapter 38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “And your Volvo lights lit up green and white  
> With the cities on the signs  
> But you held your course to some distant war  
> In the corners of your mind  
> From the second time around  
> The only love I ever found  
> Oh Angela it's a long time coming  
> Home at last  
> Were you safe and warm in your coat of arms  
> With your fingers in a fist?  
> Did you hear the notes, all those static codes  
> In the radio abyss?  
> … Oh Angela it's a long time coming  
> Oh Angela spent your whole life running away  
> Home at last  
> Home at last…”
> 
> \- Angela, The Lumineers

“You want to adopt me?”

“Rey, I can give you the protection of my name and all of my assets. If Soel for some reason decided to claim you as his daughter in the courts, my adopting you would provide one more layer of protection. At least it would stretch proceedings until even Rey Niima is 18.”

“Is that the only reason?” The words slip out, let loose by the shock of simply being offered adoption. They come out harsher than I really mean, but Maz keeps in stride. She smiles softly. 

“There are many reasons, Rey. First being that you deserve a break. A home that is your own and will always be your own. Even before all of this, I would have offered.”

I frown, struggling to process. It had been so long since I had heard that word or even believed that it was possible. No one wanted the Jakku junk rat for a daughter. “Do you offer to adopt every girl that comes through?”

“It’s always on the table for me, Rey. I have the means to support every person who comes through here. So, if you want to be my daughter, I won’t say no.”

I stare open-mouthed and very stupid looking between Amilyn and Maz who are both smiling a little bit. Amilyn folds her hands neatly around her cup of tea. “Take as much time as you need to think about it. I know it’s a big decision.”

“But- I- I mean- Maz, I stole your car.”

“You artfully borrowed it to check on a friend.”

_ She can’t be serious.  _

Maz takes a sip of her tea, her face falling more serious. “Rey, given your circumstances, I am more than willing to overlook you stealing the Bug. Especially since no damage came to it. I know what Palpatine is capable of. I know what he’s done to this city and many others like it. I cannot in good conscience leave you undefended from him.”

“Oh.” Right.  _ Obligation. Protection. A family born out of the fragile bonds of necessity. Easily broken or lost when the threat is gone. _ It was a survival pact, one that I had seen all too often fail. “Can I think about it?”

Maz nods. “Of course. It’s a big decision.”

“What do you know about him?” As I ask, Maz sits back and thinks over the question. She’s piecing together what she can and can’t tell me. 

“I don’t know much. Not as much as I did about his father- your grandfather. What I do know is that he is ruthless and cunning and patient. Those three traits make for an incredibly dangerous man who will stop at nothing to get what he wants. The Palpatine dynasty is one that is not easy to kill.” Maz gazed at me intensely. “Believe me when I say that whoever took you from your father had a good reason. I do not know what he wants with you, but it is better if you do not find out for yourself.”

She had heard most of my argument with Ben then if not all of it. “I can’t let anyone get hurt because of me.”

“I will tell you what I told that boy in the hospital before this whole disaster- Stay here. If you leave now, you’re hurting them more than any blade or bullet ever could. Don’t break what’s already been given to you. Don’t break their trust. Don’t break their love. And don’t break that boy’s heart, cause I know it would break your own as well.” 

“We’re all family, Rey. And family protects family.” Amilyn smiles softly at her adopted mother. It takes me a moment to realize that she’s speaking to me as a sister and not as the subject of her case file. 

Is that what I’ve built here? A family? Maz wasn’t just talking about herself and her fostered and adopted children either. The Solos were included as well. And Chewie. And Luke. Even Rose and Poe and Finn. My family- chosen, though I didn’t know I had been choosing at all. Part of me, terrified that this had happened, pushed away at this new, strange feeling. It was the same part of me that pulled away when things got too good to be true. The other part of me knew it was true. It knew that my running away was less about the desire to protect everyone else and more about the innate, trauma-filled desire to protect myself from vulnerability.

_ Luke would be proud.  _

_ I need to tell Ben.  _

I look up at Maz, struggling to find the words. 

She smiles a little more. Her large eyes crinkling at the corners. “Check the front porch, I’m sure he’s back by now.”

I get up and wrap myself in one of Maz’s many shaws. I open the front door to a cold and calm day and a boy in a black sweater sitting on the deck. He stands quickly, his face red from the cold. 

“How long have you been out here?”

“Not long.” Ben sniffs. “I- er- wanted to be here before Poe. If you… If you wanted me to be.”

His eyes meet mine and I take two steps forward to crash into his chest and wrap my arms around him. He’s warm and solid beneath my fingertips. Standing on the step below me, we’re almost equal in height and I can rest my chin on his shoulder. “I’m sorry I yelled at you.”

“I’m sorry I yelled at you too… I just don’t want anything to happen to you.”

“I don’t want anything to happen to you,” I whisper. “Is this how… Is this how you felt at the hospital?”

_ Before you left me.  _

“Leaving you was one of the biggest mistakes I have ever made.” Ben’s breath tickles through my hair. “You came after me because I left and it almost got you killed.”

“You’d come after me if I left.”

“Every time.”

That’s all it takes for me to truly understand. “I’m staying. I’m not going anywhere. Not without you. This is my family now.”

“Family?” Ben pulls back a little. It must have sounded strange coming from my lips. There’s a little hint of a smile at the corner of his mouth and it makes me smile, too. 

“Yeah, Maz wants to adopt me.”

Ben’s lips break into a huge grin and my heart melts more than a little. I had been scared for a moment that he’d be angry. “She does?”

I nod quickly, trying to hold back the tears forming in my eyes. “Yeah, she does. I’m going to be Rey Kanata.”

_ And maybe one day Rey Solo. _

The thought flits away before I can dwell on it too much, chased by Ben’s lips on mine. There’s not much I can think about but that. 

Behind Ben, car doors slam and we jump apart. I look across the lawn to find a glaring Poe, an excited Rose, and a concerned Finn. 

At least this time, there are no punches flying.

Yet. 

“Bottomline is, no one goes anywhere alone. Not anymore. Not for a long while.”

“Especially Rey.”

Finn glances at Poe. It’s the first thing Poe’s said since his arrival. Finn nods in agreement anyway. “Especially Rey.”

Crammed into my small room, the five of us fell into uneasy quiet. My hand rests in Ben’s, squeezing gently and running my thumb over his knuckles. They’re almost all healed. What scabs remain are just barely hanging on. 

He’s told the story of our last weeks more times than I probably know, judging from the practiced way he tells the tale. I had jumped in only a few times. And tried to answer questions. The bits from last night were new. But I can tell by the way that Rose is looking at me that she knows we’re hiding something. Though Ben and I had never really talked about it, it seemed to be agreed to keep the books and the dreams quiet for now.

We both know it’s far too crazy to be believable. 

Poe breaks from his glaring at Ben to look angrily between Finn and Rose and me. “Is no one going to say it?”

I take a deep breath, steeling myself. “Say what?”

“He almost got you killed! He put you in the same room as the drug lord that  _ killed  _ my sister. And now what? Now there’s an even more dangerous drug lord trying to kidnap you? And you’re still with him? Are you literally insane, Rey? Literally?”

Ben goes completely tense beneath my fingers and I’m fairly certain that the only thing keeping him from leaping from the bed is my touch. “I trust Ben with my life. None of this is his fault and he has done everything he can to keep me safe. My father will come after me once he realizes Snoke’s failed.”

I look between them, all of them, my family. “I know that it’s a big ask, but I want all of us to be together. I need all of us to be together.”

Poe flexes his hands and takes a deep breath before nodding. “Fine. I- He’s-”

“I’m sorry, Poe.” Ben turns his gaze to Poe for the first time since he got here. “I’m sorry for what I did to Lily. I’m sorry for what I did to you. I didn’t- I reacted horribly. Said things I never should have said. I was scared because I didn’t understand. Because I liked it and I thought I shouldn’t and I didn’t know what it meant. You were my best friend and I… I fucked it up.”

Poe stares at the ground between his shoes. The red rims around his eyes are the only signs he was struggling not to cry. “The asshole’s dead?”

“Yeah. He’s dead.”

Poe nodded slowly. “Good.”

Ben glances at me and I give a little shrug, unsure of what to do or what further to say. 

Poe sniffs loudly and wipes his eyes on the sleeves of his t-shirt. “Asshole.”

The corner of Ben’s lips twitches up in a small smile. “Dick.”

A tentative peace settles over the room and a small look from Ben tells me we’re alright, at least for now. 

“So what now?” Finn asks the only question left in the room. “This Palpatine guy is coming after you, how do we stop him?”

I shrug. “I have no idea.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy October :) 
> 
> This chapter marks the point where my word doc is giving up on life because of the length of this thing. I don't think I've ever hit that point before!
> 
> Anyways, I've been reading a lot lately, which means less time for writing. But.... I think I needed a little break to get the inspo flowing again. Y'all are perfect <3 More to come soon!


	39. Chapter 39

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “That slow burn wait while it gets dark,  
> Bruising the sun, I feel grown up with you in your car  
> I know it's dumb  
> We've both got a million bad habits to kick  
> Not sleeping is one  
> We're biting our nails, you're biting my lip  
> I'm biting my tongue  
> When people are talking, people are talking  
> When people are talking, people are talking  
> Raise a glass, 'cause I'm not done saying it  
> They all wanna get rough, get away with it  
> Let 'em talk 'cause we're dancing in this world alone  
> We're all alone  
> We're alone…”
> 
> \- A World Alone, Lorde

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: low key Dom/Sub vibes... I’ll fix my tags one day

* * *

What’s the proper coping mechanism for finding out that your father may have murdered your mother and may possibly be trying to murder you?

I’m inclined to think that’s a trick question. There isn’t a proper coping mechanism. Only coping. Only the brain latching on to the first inkling of normalcy for dear life. Of course, Luke would say that my reasoning is flawed. That I’m in total control of my reaction. That my feelings are just ships in the water to gaze at and watch them float by. Something to be acknowledged and experienced and artfully dealt with.

The thing that Luke doesn’t know is that I’ve been surviving on a deserted island for 18 years of my life and all the boats are pirate ships. It’s best just to ignore them and get on with my day. 

It’s Wednesday before Maz and Leia finally deem it safe to return to school for me. Ben puts the car in park and goes to grab his bag, but I don’t move. A new layer of snow has fallen over the grey road slush left by the storm. The parking lot was filling quickly as more people arrived and headed for the doors, eager to not stay long in the cold. Crystals of salt coat the icy cement and crunch beneath boots and car tires.

“Do they know?”

“Does who know what?” Ben turns down the music before turning to me. There are dark marks under his eyes; neither of us has been sleeping well. The only sleep I’ve managed has been sponsored by a healthy shot of NyQuil. 

I try to fight back the rising twisting of my stomach as I glance out at the school. “Them. About… About Snoke.”

Ben shakes his head and dark curls fall in front of his eyes. “No. Most of the dealers know he’s dead, but no one knows it had anything to do with us. No… I think they’ll be more interested in the fact that we’re dating.”

A little smile creeps across my lips as I watch Ben’s cheeks turn pink. “I thought Poe already broke that news.”

“He did.” Ben nods as he looks across the parking lot. His hands flex in and out of fists, making the rings on his fingers cine together. “But it’s different seeing it in person, I guess. I don’t know. I hate people.”

That makes two of us.

“Maybe they’ll be more focussed on the bruises than our dating life.” We both looked worse for wear. The cut on my forehead was little more than a pink, fading scar, but Ben’s face was still dark with molting bruises. 

“We can just say I wrecked a car.”

“I think the truth might be just crazy enough for people to think we’re lying.” I peer across the parking lot to spy Chewie parked a ways away, watching us from his truck. He had been taking the night shift, sleeping when I was awake and awake when I was asleep. Eyes on the house at all times. I was fairly sure Maz was hiding a gun in her room. 

“We should probably go in.”

Ben nods and pulls me close. His soft lips catch mine and I can’t help but smile. These ten minutes in the car had been the most we had been alone since the cabin. I pulled away after a moment, Ben’s fingers running through my hair. I had half a mind to skip school and just stay in his car, listening to music and making out. 

I sigh and grab my bag knowing that Leia wouldn’t lock the building down until we were safe inside. Ben raced around the car to open the door and lend me a hand. I let him help me out, already wishing that I could go back to bed. Maz had told me I could take another day off, but I was eager to get back. Rip off the bandaid. 

In many ways, it felt like the first day of school all over again. 

Ben hefted my book bag over his shoulder with a grunt before I could protest. He shifted awkwardly. “What the hell you got in here, Princess?”

“Books. Some of us actually come here to learn things.”

“Well one of us has to be the artistically inclined brawn in the relationship.”

A sharp wind howls across the grounds seeping right through my thick winter jacket and I press into Ben, trying to use him as a windbreaker. All banter is forgotten as we hurry across the parking lot and into the busy halls of New Republic High. 

I should have stayed in the kirffing car.

The busy rotunda stalls, falling into near silence as we walk in. I grip Ben’s arm tighter. The stares and whispers proving almost too much. It seems that word travels fast and we’ve just confirmed all rumors to be true, no matter what they were. 

“Alright, alright people. Move along. Back at it. Didn’t your mother tell you it was rude to stare?” 

My grip relaxes at the sight of Poe and Finn coming through the crowd with Rose on their tail. They’re a sight for sore eyes with Poe and Finn in their Letterman's jackets and Rose looking smart in a Hanukkah sweater and wool skirt. 

Ben doesn’t relax until the sound of students is at a roar once more. He gives Poe a little nod of thanks and Poe nods back. It’s miles away from fist fights and yelling and I give Ben’s arm another little squeeze. He looks down at me and pulls me in closer under his arm, kissing the top of my head. 

“Oh my god, please stop. I can’t handle the cute.” Rose wraps herself around Finn’s arm and suddenly Poe is the odd one out. There’s a brief flash of something in Finn’s eye, a glance that I don’t quite catch. “My little Rey, all grown up.”

I roll my eyes, knowing that Rose will have a thousand questions and demand a million answers. There’s an awkward silence where no one really knows what to do or say. Ben and Poe are caught in a standoff while Finn just looks uncomfortable and lost and luckily for all of us the warning bell chimes. “We’d better get to class.”

“I’ll take her from here!” Rose takes my free arm and the bag from Ben’s shoulder, tugging at me to come with her. 

For a moment Ben looks lost, torn between going to class and coming with me. 

I squeeze his hand and manage to press a kiss to his cheek. “I’ll be okay. I’ll see you at lunch, right?” 

He nods slowly and watches as Rose drags me down the hall to our first class. English. The classroom is pretty much empty by the time we get there. There’s a note on the board telling us that it’s a work day and the teacher’s desk is empty. Rose and I take up residence in the corner on the two large bean bags. I’m supposed to be exactly where I am when I say I am, per Maz’s instructions, so no leaving the classrooms. And definitely no sneaking off during lunch. 

I’m sure by the end of the week, I’ll be itching to do just that. 

I pull out my laptop and Rose raises an eyebrow. “What?”

“You’ve been working on this paper since you got back. You are not working on it today.”

“But-”

“Nope.” Rose shifts to face me. I could tell there was about to be an inquisition. I slowly put my laptop back in my bag. 

“So…”

“So?!” Rose hits my arm softly. “What the hell, Rey?” 

“Uh…”

“You can’t just disappear like that! After the hospital and Ben leaving and you wouldn’t talk to anyone- I was so worried about you. Are you okay? Really?” 

I nod slowly. “I think so. For now. I- It’s a lot to process, you know? But the time at the cabin, even though we were hiding and snowed in… It gave me a little time to process. Made Ben and I work through some things.”

“It’s so fucked up what’s happening to you.” Rose sighs. I don’t think I’ve ever heard her curse before. “I’m sorry. For being angry at you. For being with Ben.”

“You don’t have to say that. You were right. Poe was right. It’s dangerous for us to be together.” I think back to the last two weeks. “If that isn’t obvious.”

“But you’re not going to leave him.”

“I don’t think I can.” A little smile escapes me coming to rest on my lips. “I don’t think I want to. We’re… It’s beyond just a relationship. I don’t know… It’s hard to explain.”

“Like a soulmate, or?”

“Yeah. Kind of like a soulmate. We’re connected. Like… Fate almost.” I glance at Rose and her eyes are narrow, disbelieving. Slowly her eyes widen and her jaw drops as her face fills with glee. 

“Oh my god! You totally slept with him!”

I clap my hand over Rose’s mouth and glance at the door. Luckily, it’s closed and there’s no one else in the room. I release her. “You don’t have to go shouting about it!”

Rose squeaks. “I can’t believe it. You have to tell me everything! Was it good? Did he? Did  _ you?  _ Is it true what they say about foot size?”

“Foot size?”

“You know… That it’s  _ proportional.”  _ Rose wriggles her eyebrows conspiratorially. I groan and hide my face in my hands. 

“I am not telling you what size he is.”

“Oh. It is true then.” Rose giggles, obviously getting much more joy out of this than I ever thought possible. She prods my ribs with her sharp elbow. “Come onnnnn. Out with it, Rey! I am living vicariously through you.”

I sigh, about to give in to her demands when I realize- “Wait. You and Finn? You still never? But you give really great advise-” 

Rose goes quiet and fiddles with the tag on the bean bag chair. “It’s just stuff Paige told me.”

“I thought…”

“I know.” Rose sighs. There’s a sadness in her that I’ve never seen. “He’s been really respectful and sweet, like he always is. But it’s just- well- it’s just that every time we’re alone he finds some excuse to not do anything. And it’s fine if… if he just wants to wait until marriage or something. But if that’s the case, he’s never told me. I mean that’s the kind of thing you tell your girlfriend right?”

“I… I would think so. Yeah.” I’m completely out of my depth here. “Have you talked to him about it?”

Rose sank deeper into the bean bag and pulled her hands and chin into her sweater as if she were trying to hide in it. Her eyes danced around the room, looking anywhere but me. She finally landed on a piece of lint stuck to her woolen skirt. “I’m worried that if I do, we’ll end up breaking up. He’s my best friend and I tell him everything. I don’t want to lose him.”

I don’t know what to do besides comfort her. I reach out and take her hand. Rose smiles softly. “You’re my best friend too, Rey.”

“I’m not going anywhere.” I grin. “You showed me affection and now I’m here to stay.”

Rose giggles at that, wiping away some of the tears that had gathered in her eyes. “Don’t think this gets you out of telling me all about Ben.”

I groan and half-heartedly roll my eyes. “My plan nearly worked.”

“Come on! What’s the bad boy like alone?”

A small smile slips from my lips as heat rushes to my cheeks. “He’s sweet. And stubborn. And protective.”

_ And every time he looks at me it’s like he’s about to devour me whole.  _

“He pisses me off about as much as I piss him off. And… he understands me. In a way no one else has. And I understand him.”

“Okay but what’s he like… you know!” Rose giggles then whispers, “In bed?”

My eyes fill with memories of that night- our first night. Of warm fire and kisses and the feeling of Ben’s teeth and tongue against my skin. Of the fuzzy warmth between my legs that solidified into electric charges bursting from his touch. Of the feeling of coming together and being joined. Of the ungodly moans coming from his lips. 

I shudder and shift involuntarily, heat growing in me and turning my whole body red. Rose is watching me with savage delight and I finally eek out, “Amazing.”

That’s all I allow Rose to pull out of me, much to her disappointment. Luckily, the bell rings and we are pulled along to our next classes of the morning. Though Rose has rendered me completely useless. I spend more time in Latin thinking about  _ phallus impudicus* _ than actually studying. 

It’s a wonder I make it to lunch. But the moment I walk into the lunch room, I know I’m in for trouble. Ben is already sitting at our usual table. There’s a plate of food in front of him and a plate in front of an empty seat beside him. The sleeves of his black hoodie are pushed back above his elbows and,  _ maker, those arms.  _ My mouth waters as I stare at him. I’m so distracted by him that I don’t notice Poe and Finn awkwardly sitting across from him. I glance at Rose and she gives me a hopeful smile as she takes my arm. “I’ve got your back.”

We make our way over to the table and I can feel the eyes on us- on me- as we do. I try to shake them off, smiling as Ben looks to see me. He looks lost for a moment before I see the corner of his mouth lift in that little smile of his. 

_ What I would give to kiss that smile right now.  _

Ben stands and takes my bag from me, now considerably lighter since I dropped my books off at my locker. 

“I got you food.” Ben tosses a glance at the plate beside his own. 

“You did?” A giddy appreciation bubbles up in me clouded in the nearly irresistible desire to take his hand and find a dark corner. Ben’s eyes flash hungrily as if he knows exactly what I’m thinking. 

Rose clears her throat and I drop to my seat, a hot blush rising into my face. I was sure by now I was cherry red. Ben sits down beside me and the table falls into an uncomfortable silence. What did we even talk about before this? What was there to talk about? Everything on my mind was either far too dark or  _ far  _ too inappropriate for lunchtime. 

Beside me, Ben shifts uncomfortably, the tendons in his arms flexing and strained. I drop my hand below the table and rest it on his knee. Ben glances at me a little surprised and I give him a little assuring smile. It’s only then that I become aware of the rest of the lunch room. It’s quieter than usual, but the most unsettling thing is the flitting of eyes all around us. I cast a pleading look to Rose. 

“Uh- Er- Friday, if you want, my mom is hosting a Chanukah dinner before the Festival of Lights. You’re all invited if you want to come. She makes the best latkes and Paige will be there.”

“Festival of Lights?” I relax a little at Rose’s distraction.

“It’s kinda a Republic tradition.” Finn supplied through a mouthful of his burger. 

“The whole downtown gets all decked out for the holidays and there’s a giant Christmas tree in the square and a menorah and hot chocolate and music and cookies and a sleigh and Santa.” Rose grew more giddy and excited as she spoke. “Everyone gathers and sings carols and the Founding Families light the tree. And, well, it’s my family’s year to light the menorah, so my mom’s throwing a big dinner party beforehand and I’d really like it if you all came.”

“I’d love to!” I beamed at Rose then glanced at Ben. There was still that little smile on his lips. “We’d love to. Technically we were grounded, but…”

“Leia will be there. And Han. And Maz will be at the bar. And we’re all supposed to stay together right? Plus you have to meet my sister. You have to!” 

I glance at Ben, uncertain if Maz and Leia would really let us go. He only shrugs. “I think my mom would have a heart attack if I willingly went to one of her events.” He leans in closer to whisper in my ear, “I wanted to take you anyway.”

The rest of lunch passes quickly as Rose fills the silence with holiday plans and the latest news from her sister. Finn chimes in a few times, but Poe is uncharacteristically quiet the whole time. He eats his meal without looking up from it, his mind somewhere else. Finn, too, is mostly quiet, though he tries to hide it. 

_ Everything’s changed, hasn’t it?  _

That was turning into an understatement. I wasn’t sure of what had transpired in the near week I had been gone, but it seemed that fractures had appeared between the four of us and Ben was making a fifth. I couldn’t put us back together again, not in the same way. We were irrevocably changed now. Changing still.

“I think I’ll head to the music hall. Mr. Dahai wanted extra help decorating the stage for our winter performance.” Rose stands, grabbing her tray as she goes. Out of habit, I get up and get ready to go with her. Ben is quick to follow. 

We’re going to the same place. 

Why does that make me so happy?

I reach my hand out for him and Ben takes it. I try to ignore the stares and whispers following us as we walk out. I walk quickly with Ben to the art classroom, desperate for our own little reprieve. The space we had always had together. 

We go through the classroom door to find it empty, as usual, but I don’t stop. Instead, I go through the kiln room and into the long service hall, dragging Ben behind me. 

Okay, not exactly dragging. I’m pretty sure he would have gone wherever I went without a second doubt. 

In the dim corridor, I pull him behind a giant HVAC pipe and against myself. 

“Rey-”

I don’t give him time to talk, looping my fingers through his hair and pulling him down to catch his lips. 

The newfound flame in my gut roars happily. He tastes like a school burger and pickles, but I don’t care. Ben’s hands wrap around my waist and pull me into him. It’s a tangle of rush and desire and I’m halfway up the wall with one leg hooked around his waist and his lips teasing gently against my neck when he pulls away. 

Ben’s eyes burn with an intensity that should have scared me. Instead, I want to drown in it. “You’ve been thinking about me.”

“If by thinking about you you mean thinking about how much of a stubborn arse you can be then yes.” My voice comes out breathy and low. Not even a fool would believe me. 

“Stubborn arse?” Ben chuckles. His eyes dip to my lips and I shiver. 

“Yes. So-” my breath hitches as his mouth latches on to the skin where my shoulder meets my neck, just barely hidden by my shirt. “Stubborn.” 

“I haven’t done anything stubborn today.”

“Emphasis on  _ today _ .”

Ben grabs my thigh and hitches it above his hip, pressing me against the cold cement wall. He moves against me and I can feel that he wants me just as much as I want him. A moan escapes my lips and Ben pulls away pressing a finger to them. “Quiet.” He smirks. “Don’t want anyone to find you like this do you?”

I shake my head no. His pupils are completely blown, dark and sinful. My heart races at the thought of getting caught.

“Oh, you do.” Ben grins. “Have you been thinking about this all day?”

I nod slowly, rendered speechless by the shock of wants and feelings crashing through my system. 

Ben leans closer. His lips brush against my cheek, my hair, and come to rest by my ear. “Naughty girl.”

If I wasn’t wrapped around his waist I might have stumbled. He unhooks my legs, setting me gently on the floor as I whimper pitifully. Ben holds my face in his hands and kisses me gently. “Only good girls get to cum. Can you be a good girl, Princess?”

I nod slowly. Ben takes a step back and we gaze at each other, both confused and shocked at what we both just did. He picks up my bag which I had dropped on the floor and takes my hand to lead me out from the hall. He peeks out the kiln room door then pulls me through to the near empty classroom. 

He lets go of my hand and I sit like nothing happened, like my heart wasn’t racing and my underwear wasn’t completely soaked through by his touch. Ben sits beside me and I snap out of my wordless haze. 

“You’re going to throw off the entire seating order.”

Ben flashes a wolfish grin. “Good.”

His smile is magnetic and I’m seconds away from kissing him again when the door bursts open and a cheery Mrs. Tico waltzes in, arms filled to the point of failure with supplies. 

She sets them down on the drawing tables with a satisfied huff. “I might be the most well funded art teacher in the entire country. Which isn’t saying much.”

She looks up to see us sitting together and a knowing look crosses her face. I freeze in a smile and the moment she turns away, I pull out my phone and adjust my hair and shirt in the reflection. Ben casts me a look that has my heart racing once more. 

I’ve never been more ready for class to start. 

People begin to filter in and sure enough, there’s dirty looks at the change in seating, but, surprisingly, no one says anything. I frown and try to brush it off again. I had forgotten what it was like. 

To be the odd one out. 

Different. 

Ben doesn’t seem to notice. Or does and ignores it. I do my best to do the same. It’s only been half a day and already I’m exhausted from it. Ben places a calming hand on my thigh, though it only brings back the heat from the service corridor. 

Mrs. Tico explains our final projects but I don’t hear a single word she’s saying. I’m focussed only on his touch. The caress of his thumb over my thigh.

It’s only when Ben leans closer that I realize she’s stopped speaking. 

“Good girls pay attention.”

I glare at him, trying to decide if I want to kiss him or kick him. Both are good options. I settle on, “You’re an ass.”

“Princess.” 

“You’re a princess.”

“Name calling isn’t going to get you anywhere.”

“I’m putting in my headphones now. That’s right. I’m ignoring you.” I make a show of pulling out my headphones and all of my work, but Ben only laughs to himself. 

Even with my headphones in, I can still feel the prickling heat of his gaze. I glance over at him, but he’s quick enough to look away and go back to his own work. 

A moment later, I feel his gaze on me again. 

_ Two can play this game.  _

I stretch and shift, pulling my hair back and adjusting my sweater so it exposes more of my neck… More of my collar bone. Ben seems fond of that area. 

To anyone else, I only looked like I was adjusting and stretching and sketching. I absentmindedly stroke my fingers up and down from the small of my ear to the curve of my collarbone. 

This time when I glance over at him, I catch him. I give him an innocent look and grin to myself as he looks away. The game is afoot. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look at that! I’m back! I have a few chapters ready to go, so expect some more in the coming weeks. 
> 
> SAD and depression have been hitting me hard the last few weeks so I haven’t been writing much, which means no NaNo. But, I did get some done and am slowly working on things when I can. Trying to take it easy on myself cause no one gets things done when they’re just beating themselves up for not getting stuff done. Learning how to take care of myself is a process of trial and error, I’m finding out. 
> 
> I hope y’all are staying safe in these corona times and finding a little merriment however you can this holiday season. 
> 
> See y’all soon!


	40. Chapter 40

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Oh, but your love is such a swamp  
> You don't think before you jump  
> And I said I wouldn't get sucked in...  
> I won't be vacant anymore  
> I won't be waitin' anymore...  
> Jenny, I am in trouble  
> Can't get these thoughts out of me  
> Jenny, I'm seeing double  
> I know this changes everything  
> Jenny, I am in trouble  
> Can't get these thoughts out of me  
> Jenny, I'm seeing double  
> I know this changes everything   
> It takes a lot of pain to pick me up  
> It takes a lot of rain in the cup  
> Baby you gave me bad ideas  
> Baby you left me sad and high…”
> 
> \- This is the Last Time, The National

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Derogatory language towards women, Light Dom/Sub tones
> 
> Please ignore the plot hole if you spot it (I'm fixing it, I promise)

Ben had severely underestimated Rey and his ability to keep himself under control. Other students coming into the classroom had calmed him at first. Or at least turned his mind towards a simmering rage at the stares and the whispers. It seemed that his whole life had been filled with whispers and side eye. Especially after Lily died and him and Poe had nearly killed each other- he had been the talk of the town for months. It had only just died down, before recent events had thrown oil on the embers. But now it wasn’t just him. He had made Rey the center of it, too. 

He could tell it bothered her, even if she would never admit it. 

Even if she was successfully attempting to get him back for leaving her hanging in the corridor. He was half in shock from his own actions, half in shock from hers. The last thing he had expected today was to be pulled away and jumped on by his girlfriend. 

Not that he was complaining. 

Definitely not complaining. 

Ben hadn’t known before that he could talk like that. Hadn’t dreamed that she would respond like she had. It had taken every ounce of will to tear himself from her, to whisper the words that would drive her crazier. And now he was paying the price. 

His cock twitched happily as Rey slowly bent over in front of him to snatch a wrench off the ground. She handed it to him with an innocent grin, tilting her head to expose the soft line of her neck and the edge of the mark he had left there in the hall. 

He refused to be the guy who came in his pants during shop class. 

A quick look at his father reading the latest  _ Popular Mechanics _ at his desk only solidified that decision. 

“Ben.”

She still had that innocent look on her face, tinged with annoyance. Whatever Rey had said, he had definitely not been listening. “I said that if we’re going for distance, maybe we should be looking for speed, not necessarily longevity.”

“Burn up all the fuel and coast the rest of the way.” Ben swallowed. “It could work.”

“The lighter we are the faster we can go. And if we figure out a way to aerate the fuel better… It’s too bad Han said we couldn’t blow ourselves up or I’d ask for some liquid nitrogen.” Rey sighed and bit her lip. 

Ben’s heart raced as his brain flitted from wanting to bite her lip himself to wondering what he had done to gain the love of the girl who wanted to use liquid nitrogen just to break a school record. “Remind me to never let you work on the Falcon.”

“The Falcon?”

Had he never told her that before? “My car… It… well, it was Han’s… My dad’s… before it was mine. I think he used to race with it. They called it the  _ Millenium Falcon _ . Stupid name, I know but-”

Ben’s voice fell away as Rey froze. She set down the wrench in her hand and Ben noticed they were shaking. He quickly took her hands in his hands, trying to steady them. Trying to comfort her. “Rey?”

She looked up at him like she was lost. “It’s not just us.”

“What do you mean?” The world around him disappeared as he focussed in on her, brushing her hair away from her eyes. 

“All of it. It’s not just us.”

Before Ben could comprehend a single inkling of what she might mean, a single word cut through the noise of the shop, just loud enough for him to hear. 

“Slut.”

Everything at once tensed up in him, a piston ready to fire. He didn’t need to turn around to see who it was. He didn’t need to see the bastard's face to know it was directed towards them. Towards Rey. Before he could react, Rey had left his arms crossing the shop to the jock-ish boy near the back. Snap Wexley smirked, unimpressed and amused as Rey approached him. 

Snap didn’t know what she was capable of. The boy had never seen her like Ben had. Ben followed her, a few steps behind, unsure if he would pull Rey off or jump in with her. He eyed Wexley’s three other brutes behind him. 

“Do you like parties, Snap?”

“Why? You wanna go to one with me, sweetheart? I can show you a better time than your bastard boyfriend over there.” 

Ben seethed, the anger inside of him reaching a near boiling point. 

“Tell me. Did you know Bobby Fett?” 

The stony silence was all it took for Ben to know. 

“He called me sweetheart and I bit off his finger. Now he’s dead. Would you like to be next?”

Snap stepped away, his eyes wide. “What the fuck? You’re a crazy bitch, you know that? You and him are perfect for each other.” 

“Wexley!” Han’s voice boomed across the shop and the whole room came screeching to a halt. “Principal’s office! Now!”

Ben shuddered. His father’s voice ripped him out of his trance-like state in time to catch Rey as she stumbled back. 

“Mr. Solo- She-”

“Did I fucking stutter? Go.” 

Wexley ripped his coat and bag from a near-by seat cursing beneath his breath as he left. Ben watched him go, wanting nothing more than to plow his fist through the asshole’s face. Rey trembled beneath his hands. 

Han looked around the room, his face red. “Back to work.”

The shocked silence slowly becomes the raucous din of tools and metal and the crackle of welding once more. A moment later, Ben felt his father’s rough hand on his shoulder. 

“Take her home. I’ll let Leia and Chewie know. Maz called and said she’d be at the bar late.”

Rey doesn’t say a thing as he led her out of the shop and across the parking lot to his car. He opened the door for her and she climbed in quietly, her eyes distant, her mind somewhere else. He ran around to the driver’s side, casting Rey a worried glance as he turned the engine and pulled out of the lot. 

It was a relief to put distance between himself and the school. He always hated it anyway. Hated the people in it. Hated that they blamed him just as much as he blamed himself for everything. And now he’d put Rey in it too. 

He pulled into the drive and up into the small detached garage, putting the car in park and turning the engine off. Neither him nor Rey moved. “Rey, I’m-”

“How long do you think until Chewie comes looking for us?” Rey asked quietly. 

_ What?  _ “Er- Maybe ten minutes.”

“That’s long enough.” In seconds, Rey was on his lap, her lips crashing into his. She was warm beneath his fingers, writhing on top of him and struggling to undo the buttons on her pants. It seemed the rest of his body hadn’t caught up to the worry in his head. He’d been half-hard since art class and now…

Ben broke away from her and Rey whimpered. 

“Rey-”

“No. I don’t want to think about it, please. I don’t want- I just want you. I need you, please.” Rey whimpered. 

That was all it took to break him. “Chewie won’t look for us if he sees us go inside.”

Rey climbed out the driver’s side door in an instant and Ben followed her. In a matter of seconds, they had gotten into the house and up the stairs. He barely had time to lock the door before Rey was on him again. Her fingers fisted in his shirt, pulling him down to meet her lips. The same fire from the corridor was still there, though now it was more desperate… Scared. Like kissing him was the only defense she had left. He could feel her frantic energy radiating off her skin. 

Ben’s head stalled and quickly tried to reboot, trying to catch up to Rey and figure out what she needed before she ended up sobbing in his arms. Ben slid his hands down her back, pulling her closer, trying to take control of her desperate kiss. Her mouth slid against his, her tongue reaching for his own. There was nothing pretty or graceful about it. 

In one swift motion, Ben clasped her thighs and lifted her from the ground. Her legs wrapped around his waist with a little gasp from her mouth. It was enough to break her pace, enough for Ben to gain the upper hand. 

He blindly crossed his room to his bed and gently tossed Rey down in it, laying between her legs and pinning her arms above her head. Rey whimpered and keened into him. He’d never seen anyone more beautiful. Even now in winter, her skin glowed golden, freckles dotted her nose and cheeks. Her closed eyes opened to reveal hazel flecked with gold. She wriggled below him as if she knew exactly what she did to him. 

A low growl emerged from his throat and Rey’s breath hitched, her body straining against his as he pressed down on top of her, pinning her to the mattress. He would be the first to admit that he had no idea what he was doing, only that if she liked it, he’d keep going. 

“Do you think you’ve earned this?”

Rey whimpered a small yes. 

“Really? Cause I don’t think you have. I don’t think you’ve been a good girl.” Ben nipped at the junction of her neck and chin as Rey’s body shuddered beneath him. A warm satisfaction grew in his gut. There was a new feeling of power and control rising in him and beside that, just as strong, the knowledge that he was completely and utterly gone for the girl beneath him. “Don’t move unless I tell you to.”

Ben slowly removed his hands from her arms, watching to make sure they stayed where he left them. He peppered kisses down her neck, stopping to darken the mark on her collarbone. His hands slipped beneath her shirt, slowly pushing it up over her chest to reveal the simple lilac bra underneath. Rey shuddered as he left her neck, his lips and teeth finding purchase against the soft skin of her waist as his fingers teased over her bra.

A sigh fell from her lips, lifetimes away from the frantic desperation at the door. Her small fingers found their way into his hair and Ben nearly moaned, nearly gave into it before remembering what he told her. Ben took her hands in one of his own and pushed them back up over her head, startling a gasp from her wet lips. Ben pulled away from her to look down into those hazel eyes. 

“Did you hear what I said?”

Rey nodded, wide-eyed. 

“What did I say,  _ cyar'ika _ ?”

“Don’t move unless you tell me too.” Rey’s voice was barely audible, completely breathless. She wriggled again. 

“You’re right. I am stubborn. If I wasn’t, I would have given in by now.” Ben nipped playfully at the tender swell of her breast. Rey let out a sound somewhere between a groan and a whine. If Ben was being honest with himself, he was one ‘please’ away from giving into her. 

He traced the contours of her skin down to the top of her pants and undid the button, sliding them off as Rey lifted her hips to help him. As much as he wanted to take his time, to drive her crazy until she begged for it, Ben knew that it was only a matter of time before someone came looking for them. He threw her pants on the floor, heart thrumming as he watched her keen against his sheets. Her hair was wild, her shirt bunched up over her bra . Rey’s eyes were almost black with need, her cheeks red and flushed, her lips swollen as she bit them. 

Ben pulled her to the edge of the bed, kissing down her thighs as he knelt before her. Rey gasped and waved of pleasure shot straight to his core. He could smell her sweet and heady scent as he kissed closer to the apex between her legs. He mouthed at her cotton undies, his own hand reaching down to relieve some of the ache in his pants. His eyes flickered up to catch Rey propped up on her elbows and looking down at him with a mixture of shock and awe and lust. 

“I want you to tell me when you’re about to cum. Can you do that?”

Rey nodded frantically as he gently rubbed a circle around her clit over her panties. 

“What was that?”

“Yes, yes. I can do- oh-”

Rey fell back, not able to finish her question as Ben moved her undies to the side and swiped his tongue against her warmth. He buried his face in her, lapping and licking and swirling, He was choking himself, but it was worth it to look up and see Rey coming undone under his tongue. With one finger, he entered her and pumped slowly, the pad of his finger hitching up to catch the ridged patch near her entrance. His other hand blindly unzipped and pushed down his jeans, desperate for any sort of friction. 

“Oh… oh maker. Ben, I’m going- I’m-”

Ben pulled away from her with an ungodly smack, eliciting a loud curse from her lips. His mouth and chin and nose were completely wet with her; it took everything in him to stop. But it was worth it to see the completely pissed off look on her face as he pulled away, cutting off her orgasm completely. 

“Only good girls get to cum.”

Rey whined pitifully, squirming beneath the grip he had on her hips. “I’ll be good. I’ll be so good.”

“Ask nicely and I might consider.”

“ _ Please. _ ”

Any blood that might have still been circulating in his body headed straight south. His voice was barely as rasp as he spoke, “Please…  _ What? _ ”

Rey paused for a moment beneath him and Ben tensed. Had he gone too far? Rey sucked in a shaky breath. “Please let me cum,  _ sir _ .”

A feral need seized him and he wondered, for a moment, if Rey knew what she did to him. That calling him sir almost had him cumming right here. Ben dove back into her warmth, not stopping until her legs trembled beside him and her back arched with a soft cry. Twice. 

He stopped only to frantically search through the bedside table for a condom. There was one, just one, probably from sex ed class, that was (thank the maker) not expired. Ben paused as he turned back to the bed to see Rey hazily smiling up at him, her eyes dark and her bare body wantonly spread out over his bed. She pushed herself up, skin glowing in the red light of his room, and pulled him down to meet her lips as she took the condom from his hand. 

A small groan escaped him as she rolled the condom down his length and pulled him on top of her.

“Are you sure?” It still baffled him that she could ever want him the way he wanted her. They hadn’t had sex since the cabin and even that felt so far away, so different. Then they had been trapped in their own little world, outside of the place were rules and obligations existed. This time was different, new, even if it was just in a theoretical sense. 

Rey brushed back a piece of his hair, her small hands threading through his hair before pulling him down to meet her soft lips with a moan. “I’m sure.”

Any sense of slowness was lost with that. All self-control and games went flying out the window. Ben knew he wouldn’t last long, but neither of them seemed to care. He pushed into her slowly, fighting back the desperate, hungry moans on his lips. Rey shifted beneath him, angling her hips to take him all. Her fingers tore at his back as her legs locked in a vice grip around his hips. Their breaths came out as heavy pants as Ben paused to try to compose himself, to not lose his mind that this girl was his and he was hers and nothing else in the world mattered. 

He lost that battle as Rey whispered in his ear, “Please, fuck me.”

Ben didn’t last much longer, slipping his hand in between them to play with her clit, cumming as she came around him. Ben collapsed on top of her, pressing soft kisses to Rey’s neck. He was sure he was crushing her, but she didn’t complain. Rey only hummed gently, lost somewhere happy as she traced her soft fingers over his back. He was a few seconds from nodding off right where he was, but he fought against it. 

“You’re beautiful. Amazing. Perfect.” Ben couldn’t stop himself from babbling. “I don’t know how I got so lucky. I don’t deserve you. You’re always a good girl, always. I hope that was okay- I hope-”

He needed the validation as much as she probably did; Rey knew it too. “Ben… It was more than okay. It was… It was.” Rey sighed a long happy sigh. “I don’t even know. I never thought it could be like this. I never dreamed. You’ve ruined me for anyone else.”

“Good.” Ben grinned and nipped at the base of her neck. Rey giggled and pulled him closer, even though they were already skin to skin. Ben wriggled away, much to Rey’s disappointment, but it was only to throw the condom away and put on his boxers and climb back into bed to hold her properly. He never wanted to leave. He traced swirls on her shoulder, figure eights against her soft skin. They would both take a nap now if it wasn’t for his parents coming home soon. 

“What was it that you called me?” Rey asked softly. 

“Hmm?” Ben frowned, trying to think back on the last few minutes. 

“It was something like  _ Shakira _ or  _ shar-e-cah _ or something.”

“ _ Cyar'ika?”  _ He’d never said it before. Never even heard of it, but somehow it felt right. 

“Is it…?” Rey didn’t have to finish her question for Ben to know what she was asking.  _ Is it from this world or the other one? _

“I don’t know.” Ben pressed his lips to her soft hair, breathing in the soft, earthy scent she always smelled like. 

“I don’t think it’s just us. I-I think other people are affected by it too. I don’t know how I know but I think The  _ Millenium Falcon  _ is the name of the ship I saw in my dream. The one that turned into a Falcon. The one that told me you were in danger.”

“Do you think they know about the other world, too?” Han and Leia were hiding things from them, Ben knew that for certain. What he didn’t know was if it was this strange alternate dimension, as Rey called it, or something else, something more real. Rey could only shrug. 

“What happened at school today?”

Ben tensed so quickly the food on his fork nearly went sailing across the dining room. They never used the dining room. They were only using it because Rey was there and it was the first official dinner all together. 

Ben hated it. 

And Leia’s inquisition had yet to disappoint. 

“I… Ah… Am I going to get a detention?” Rey asked timidly.

“I don’t like to bring work home. So, no. Though if I’m going to get an angry parent in my office, I’d like to know why.”

“Snap… Ah… Called me a slut. And then he said some other things that-” Rey took a deep breath and pushed some of her mashed potatoes around. “Just some other things. And I told him that I bit off the fingers of the last guy who harassed me. And so he called me a crazy bitch.”

“Oh.” Leia’s eyes went wide before she drew herself back, hiding behind her cool, commander-like exterior. Han, however, looked completely entertained. He looked at Leia with the most love Ben had ever seen in his eyes. 

“Reminds me of the old days.” 

Leia’s eyes flashed with rage as she turned to her husband. “Han.”

“I’m just saying… Solo men have always liked strong women.”

“Don’t you dare.” 

Ben glanced at Rey who was looking just as confused as he felt. 

“That guy deserved what you gave him. What was his name? Hutt?” 

Ben frowned, the name scratching something in his memory.

“I swear, Hansel Gregory Solo, I’ll do the same to you if you don’t shut your mouth now.” Leia left no room for doubt. 

Han winked. “Not in front of the kids, sweetheart.” 

Ben’s eyes shot up from his plate to watch as Rey’s face slowly shut down. The light drained from her eyes for the second time that day. 

_ Why the fuck did everyone keep saying that word? _

Quiet fell over the table as Leia looked from Rey to him, confusion and concern twisting her features into that of a worried mother. 

Rey slowly pushed away from the table, leaving her half eaten plate. “I- uh. Sorry. I just remembered I have homework.” 

Ben set his fork down as he watched her disappear from the dining room. He felt his parent’s questioning eyes turn to him. He had no idea what to say to them, how much Rey wanted them to know. He settled on, “It’s been a long day.”

“We still need to discuss what you’ve been doing, Ben.” Leia glanced at Han for support. Han barely looked up from his beer. Ben had been trying to avoid this particular conversation since they got home. 

“There’s nothing to discuss.” He should go after her, if anything it would get him out of this conversation. 

“Selling drugs and stalking a drug lord and disappearing for weeks is  _ nothing to discuss _ ?” Leia hissed as tears welled in her eyes. “You could have died. You could have-”

“I am not doing this.”

“Ben-”

“No,” he growled as he stood. He would not stand there and justify his choice to the two people who had looked the other way. The two people who had refused to help him when he needed it the most. “You lost the right to berate me a long time ago. Just because I’m here, does not mean it’s for you.”

He stood from his chair as his mother pressed her lips together and tried to hide it all. Han refused to even look at him. Ben scoffed and headed for the door to the stairs. 

“Leave the door open.”

Ben scowled as the memories of all the times the door had definitely not been left open flashed through his head. He charged up the stairs before she could say more. 

The door to his room was mostly closed, so he gave a small knock before walking in. Rey sat in his bed, chewing nervously on her nails and staring off into space. His speakers played soft, sad music, a man’s low voice echoed over the guitar. Before he could ask if she wanted to be left alone, her hands reached out for him. Ben quickly gathered her in his arms, pulling her close as she curled up beside him in the bed. 

“I don’t know why it affects me so much.”

Ben understood. He was no stranger to the way one word, one look, could shut him down completely or put him into a rage. “It takes time. It won’t get better overnight, but it will get a little easier to handle. And you can talk to Luke tomorrow, right?”

“Yeah. Not really.” Rey sighed. “He’s sending me to someone else. He sent an email yesterday saying he wants to do an exit interview and pass me along to someone else he works with. Says there’s a conflict of interest now.”

Ben snorted, completely unsurprised at his uncle’s hypocritical stances. Where he was involved, Uncle Luke always wanted to stick his nose where it didn’t belong. Always wanted to pry out Ben’s answers and then point blame at him. Apparently being a therapist for his nephew wasn’t a conflict of interest, but being a therapist for his nephew’s girlfriend was. 

But, it wasn't like his sessions with Luke were ever more than sitting and staring at each other in stony, brooding silence.

“He’s the only one we know of who might know about the books. But you said it yourself that he’s not going to help us. He might even try to take the books away.” 

“Or find an excuse to send me to a mental institution. I’m pretty sure he’s been plotting that since the day I was born.”

“If you go, I go. If only to see you in those white scrubs.” Rey looked up at him and wiggled her eyebrows. There was a little spark back in her eye. 

“I hear there’s pudding, too.”

“Mmm. Pudding.” Rey licked her lips and giggled. She paused for a moment, lost in thought. “Is your dad’s full name really Hansel Gregory Solo?”

Ben chuckled. “No, that’s just what she calls him when she’s pissed.”

Rey’s riotous giggles filled the room. “I’m definitely calling you Benjamin Gregory Organa Solo from now on.”

Ben rolled his eyes, his smirk never falling from his lips as he looked down at the woman in his arms. “You’re the worst.”

Rey only smirked. “I love you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In honor of this week's mental breakdown- Hello, there. Fancy seeing you again, seasonal depression.


	41. Chapter 41

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Pick it up, pick it all up  
> And start again  
> You've got a second chance  
> You could go home  
> Escape it all  
> It's just irrelevant  
> It's just medicine  
> It's just medicine”
> 
> \- Medicine, Daughter

I was let out of school an hour early to meet with Luke. Maz chatted about preparations for the Festival of Lights while I watched Chewie in his truck follow closely behind. I was getting used to being followed. I really didn’t notice besides the snoring lump on Maz’s couch or the same truck in the rearview mirror every time I looked back. 

Everything at school had changed though. I could feel the eyes on me every second of the day. I could hear the whispers but could never really figure out what they were saying. Rose had promised that with time the whispers and rumors would calm down. It was about the only hope that I could cling to. 

In a way, it was a relief to step into the small office building where Luke held his practice. I waited in the lobby, listening to the clock tick as seconds passed by. The lobby was like most other hospital waiting rooms, except there were books about self-love and awareness sitting on the coffee table, a fancy looking bamboo diffuser misting patchouli and lavender into the air, statues of Buddha, and little Feng shui rock fountains. Meditation music drifted through the air from some unknown source. 

The door to Luke’s personal office swung open and he stepped out with a smile. “Rey?”

I stood and made my way over to him, ducking into his office when he gestured through the door. It was the first time I had been in there since my Introduction Interview months ago.  _ Was it really only months? Feels more like eons. _

Luke’s office hasn’t changed much. It’s a perfect reflection of the lobby outside, though with comfier seats and more books. I sat down in the same spot I first sat in- on the couch facing him. Luke brings a mug of tea over from his desk and sits down in one of the cushiony armed chairs. His beard has grown out a bit and there’s a weathered look to his eyes that I hadn’t noticed before. He looks older in a dark grey sweater. “So, Rey. As you know, I’ve decided that it would be best for both of us if you saw someone else due to your close involvement with my sister and nephew. I like to do something I call an exit interview. We can talk about why you’re being transferred, some of the things that will change, who you’re being transferred to. Anything else you might want to talk about. I understand that it’s been a rough few weeks for you and a while since we last spoke.”

“I understand why you’re having me transferred. It’s fine.” I take a deep breath and shift in my seat. It feels strange to speak one-on-one. “I understand that. What I don’t understand is why you thought it was okay to be Ben’s therapist.”

Luke’s eyes narrowed almost imperceptibly before snapping back to his calm therapist exterior. “I’m afraid I cannot discuss other patients with you, Miss Niima.”

“Right.” I sit back and fiddle with the edge of my sweater. “I’m fine with moving. I know the drill.”

Luke nodded. “Would you like to talk about the last few weeks? I know that you’ve gone through some rather large life events lately.”

_ Well, I lost Ben and then I found him again. And then we were kidnapped by Snoke’s thugs and Snoke tried to kill Ben and send me to my father to reap unknown benefits only to die right in front of me because of a mole placed in Snoke’s ranks by an unknown slash unspecified governmental organization that Ben’s dad’s best friend is a part of. And then I had to go into hiding in the middle of a forest in an abandoned cabin during a nor’easter because my newfound psychopath father might be trying to hunt me down and kill me. And now I’m being stared at like I’m some sort of psychopath every time I walk down the halls in school. Not to mention having vivid hallucinations that weren’t hallucinations that I shared with my boyfriend. And, roughly everyone I know being involved in some sort of conspiracy having to do with my father. _

I snort.  “Yeah, you could say that.” 

Luke only stares at me as the anger goes from a simmer to a boil in my chest. 

“So, ‘rather large life events’ seems like a bit of an understatement. And if you ask me ‘how does that make you feel’ I might actually scream.”

Luke only nods softly. “Why don’t you just tell me how you’re feeling then.”

A little huff of laughter escapes my throat. My head shakes and I can’t quite meet his eyes without a fresh rush of anger racing through my core. “I can’t. I can’t stop and feel anything. It’s too much.”

“The only way to start processing and start moving on is to feel. To let your emotions flow through you and out into the world. A steady stream instead of a cosmic bomb.” 

I stare at the patterns on the intricate rug fighting against the violent sea of emotions that threaten to pull me under. My throat tightens as I imagine being pulled deep under the waves and sinking into the darkness. “It’s already an ocean. I can’t.”

“It’s normal to feel this way, Rey. Especially after everything you’ve been through. You have to trust the people around you to keep you afloat until you remember how to swim again.”

“I can’t swim.”

“That’s what therapy is for. To teach you how to swim. But we all get overwhelmed and exhausted. Tell me about Ben.”

“You don’t want to know about Ben. I already know your opinion on me and Ben.” I sneer at the carpet, my words bitter. “I know what everyone thinks about us. About him.”

“You know my opinion as an Uncle, yes. Not as a therapist.”

“You’ve already made it clear that you can’t separate those. Hence why we’re having this interview.” I look up at the man, staring straight at him and not flinching. I can see why Ben doesn’t like him. I can see why he’s never trusted therapy. 

“You’re right.” Luke’s lips press together. “I am biased when it comes to my nephew. I know the kind of man he could become. I know that there are things in this world beyond your understanding. Dark things that should never be brought to the light of day.”

“Like what? What are you not telling us?”

Luke’s eyes flash angrily as his mouth clamped shut. “It is none of your concern.”

“Then I think we’re done here.” I cross my arms, feeling more like a petulant child than anything else. I kick myself for letting everything get the best of me before I could weasel answers out of Luke. “I’d like to meet my new therapist now.”

Luke nods grimly and rises out of his chair. He takes me out of his office and across the lobby to a half-open door which he knocks on lightly. 

A woman’s voice beckons them in and Luke opens the door to a darker office. The creams and pastel zen of the lobby and Luke’s office had no place in the dark reds and deep chestnut woods that fill this office. Thick curtains hang over the large industrial windows, blocking out most of the light. The layout of the room is much the same as Luke’s though the design is different. There are still bookshelves filled with self-help books, a dark leather couch facing the door and two matching armchairs. A chestnut desk sits in the corner facing the door and behind it in a high-backed black leather office chair is a thin woman with jet-black, pin-straight hair, narrow features, and dark eyes. She stands, towering over Luke and I, and her features twist into a sly smile. 

“You must be Rey.” The woman comes around the desk and I realize that the reason she’s so tall is that she’s wearing six-inch stilettos paired with a skin-tight black pencil skirt and blouse. She holds out her hand and my brain reboots enough to cautiously shake it.

“I’m Dr. Bazine Netal. Would you like to sit and chat for a few minutes?”

Luke only nods and moves to close the door. “I’ll leave you to it.”

The door shuts behind him and I take a deep breath.  _ He’s just a therapist. He’s not giving up on me. He’s kind of an asshole.  _

Dr. Netal gestures to the couch. “Have a seat, please. Make yourself comfortable. Would you like tea?”

“No, thank you.” Take a seat on the left side of the leather couch as Dr. Netal fetches a small notebook from her desk. She sits in the armchair across from me, her ankles crossed delicately, an interested look on her face. 

I rub my hands together nervously. There was something about her I wasn’t sure of. 

“So, Rey. I did read through your file that Luke passed along to me, as well as the Social Services file, but I always like to hear your story from the beginning.” Dr. Netal gave me a clinical smile that barely moved her cheeks. 

It was a story that I was used to telling in this setting. I almost had it down to five minutes exactly if there were no interruptions. I had timed it once. Every foster kid had one that slowly grew over the years. It always started with how you ended up in the system. How much you knew about your parents. How much you knew about whatever traumatic event that caused the change. The locations and vague descriptions of your foster families. And whatever professional you were telling your story to would sit there and nod and maybe jot down notes, all the while silently judging you or wondering when they could take their lunch.

Everytime I tell the story, it feels a little less real. More like it happened to someone else. By the time I get to the end, the most recent bits, I’m so numb to it all that I can usually get through it without crying. 

Dr. Netal listens through it all, jotting down notes and making small listening noises of feigned interest. Really, it isn’t until I get to my dreams and Ben and Snoke that the doctor shifts, just slightly. It’s enough for me to notice that she’s really listening now. I skim through the events of the cabin and coming back home. 

I stop speaking and a dead silence lingers in the air. It takes a moment for Dr. Netal to look back up from her notes and realize that I’m done speaking. “That’s a lot of changes and events in a short period of time.”

I shrug. I know it is. And I know that there’s a crash coming where my brain finally catches up with my life. 

“Your father… This Palpatine man. Are you scared of him?”

_ Scared of him? _ My gaze falls to the patterns of the rug as my brow narrows. “I’m not scared of him. I’m scared of what he might do to get to me. I’m scared of him coming after me… But I’m also scared that he won’t.”

It was the first time I had voiced that particular fear. Just saying it outloud had me two steps away from a panic attack and my back against a wall. “I don’t know anything about him. And no matter what anyone says, I don’t know why my mother left me in that junkyard. If it was to protect me from him or something else.”

“What do you want, Rey?”

I chewed on my lip as I pinched the webbing between my thumb and forefinger with all my might, trying to focus on the pain. Focus on my breathing. Focus on not crying. “I want my family to be safe. I want to know why my parents left me. I want to figure out what’s so wrong with me.”

“Those are all very valid desires, Rey. I can’t help you keep your family safe. And I can’t tell you why your parents left, but I can, hopefully, help a little with the last one. Why don’t you start by telling me what you remember about those dreams. Any specific details? It may sound a little strange, but I find that analyzing our dreams can bring to light a lot of new information about ourselves. We often use our dreams to work through problems and deal with complex feelings.”

_ What about when those dreams turn out to be far more real? _

I take a deep breath, trying to think back to one of the first ones I had. “For a while, they were about the desert.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 200 kudos.... 200 kudos?!? What! Y'all are the best. I never thought when I started this fic that there would be that many people interested in it at all. It honestly blows my mind, so thank you for reading and sticking around. It means a lot.


	42. Chapter 42

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It's the freedom of falling  
> It's the way that you smile  
> It's just a flicker of something  
> It's saying goodbye  
> It's the thought of tomorrow  
> And the hope it would bring  
> It's relying on comfort  
> And the way that it stings  
> Cause you are the blood that I bleed  
> We've got the whole world under our feet  
> But when you're tired and you're falling asleep  
> I don't wanna let go.”
> 
> \- Let Go, Dean Lewis

I can’t stop myself from staring at the photo in my hands. Ben has me all wrapped up in bed with a new hot cup of tea and a bowl of soup to sip on as my cold has decided to stick around for a while. The vinyl player on my dresser has a Sleeping at Last record slowly spinning. And despite the copious amounts of snot still running from my nose, Ben is laying beside me playing with my hair as I’m curled up in his arms. Laying in bed was all I wanted to do after therapy.

I’ve never felt so simultaneously comforted and distressed. 

“She’s beautiful. Like you.” Ben murmurs as he presses his lips to my hair. 

“I wish I knew her. I wish I knew what happened to her.” 

“We can ask Chewie to look into it.”

“You think so?”

“Yeah. He’d do it.”

I think on it a moment more as the guilt creeps in again. “He’s done too much for me already.”

“I’d be surprised if he didn’t already know something.” Ben’s hand moves from my hair to my back and I look up at him. His eyes are closed, but he opens them slightly at my movement. 

“Who exactly does Chewie work for anyway?”

Ben opens his mouth then pauses as he struggles to come up with an answer. “I… Have no idea. No one’s ever said. I just know that he’s not going to let anything happen to you and that’s enough for me.”

“You’re too good for me,” I whisper. 

“Rey…”

“You all are. I don’t- I don’t deserve this.”

“Yes. You do. You deserve the whole world. Hell, the entire galaxy. I’d burn it down for you if you asked me to. And tear it apart to keep you safe.” He’s half-asleep as he grumbles this softly, but the conviction is there all the same. 

_ You’re nothing. No one.  _ I can’t help but wrestle with the warmth in my chest and twist of anxiety in my gut. “Why?”

“I love you,” Ben whispers. “Get used to it.”

He says it as if he knows exactly what’s going on in my head- the war I’m fighting against myself. I don’t deserve any of it. Love. Protection. Ben pulls me tighter to him. “I can hear you thinking.”

“I never thought-” I looked down at the picture in my hand. “I never thought I’d have anything like this. A family. You.”

“Me neither. Even if they’re a pain in the ass.” Ben’s low chuckle vibrates against my cheek. 

“You’ve been making up for it lately.” I slyly look up at him. 

Ben only raises an eyebrow at me as he looks down. He sighs dramatically and lets his head drop back onto the pillow. “Can’t have that. Have to be more of an ass now.”

“No!” I push myself up to look at him. “It- It has to be a healthy balance.”

“No, I think I’ve been spoiling you.” Ben hums. “I have to be a bit of an ass now to make up for it.”

“I think having to sleep in separate beds is enough of a punishment.” Our time in the cabin had spoiled me. I only hoped that the nightmares wouldn’t return, even if he was only a room away. 

“Speaking of which. It’s time for more meds. NyQuil so you can sleep.”

“If you stay, I’ll sleep without it.”

“If I stay, Maz will have my ass.”

“Maz doesn’t get angry,” I hold on tight to Ben as he tries to roll out of the bed. 

“Maz doesn’t get angry with  _ you _ .” Ben stops struggling and turns to kiss me. “I’ll be right down the hall with my door open.”

That night, I hardly slept. Even with Ben not twenty feet away in the spare bedroom, my dreams were dark echoes of the desert. I woke around two am and found myself unable to go back to sleep, my mind racing with itching thoughts about my father. Dream Rey. What it could all mean. 

I pull one of the mysterious dark leather books from beneath my pillow and thumb through the pages and pages of the mirrored text. Reading cursive was hard enough. Add it a mirrored effect and it made it almost impossible to read. But, out of all the books, it was easiest to decipher. I’d just need a mirror and a notebook and time. I creep out of my room and slip into the bathroom to grab the small stand-alone makeup mirror from the vanity. I pause for just a moment, peering through the door to the spare bedroom at the dimly lit Ben shaped lump looking a little cramped on the twin-sized bed. 

A warm hum starts in my chest and for a moment I think I might cry. About what I wasn’t sure. That he was here. That I was here. That for the moment we were both safe. Both loved. Both warm.  _ Home.  _ The thought hits me out of nowhere, yet, I knew it all along. This place was my home. The first home I had ever laid claim to. My bedroom. My halls. My bathroom. Maz. Ben. 

_ I’m definitely getting my period.  _

I fought back the tears that welled in my eyes and shuffled back to my room. Though I was tempted to crawl into the tiny bed with Ben. I knew being in his arms usually put me right to sleep, but, apparently, I wanted to torture myself tonight with an all-nighter. Or distract my brain from all the memories and nightmares and thoughts. 

Something else told me that these books were key. That Dream Rey had shoved them at me for a reason. They were important to her, so they must be to me, too. 

Really I had no idea how any of this worked and the people who might know were being incredibly unhelpful. So, these books were my only viable lead. I crawled into bed and quietly messed around with the mirror and book until I found a suitable angle to view the mirror and read. 

> _ June 1st, 1947 _
> 
> _ I still remember the first time I saw her.  _
> 
> _ It was a few years after the war and I was a young man of barely twelve at the time. I felt older. After my father died in the Battle of Le Cateau, I was the man of the house, though unable to do much. Without him, my mother and I had no family, no money, nowhere to go. We were beholden to a man named Watto, a slimy greaser with little regard for anything but money, but he paid my mother to care for his house and allowed me to work for a small wage in his shop. This, I only realize now, would attribute to my successes in life- knowing my way around machines and having a head for math and science which Watto exploited endlessly.  _
> 
> _My mother had resigned herself to that life, I think. She did all she could for me to make sure I was fed and clothed and loved. She gave me up for a better life, but I do not know if I have found that. Except_ in her _._
> 
> _ I am getting ahead of myself.  _
> 
> _ When I first saw her, I thought she was an angel. I thought I had died and she was there to take me to the heavens with her and I would have gladly gone. Neither of us knew it, but the path of my life changed. The universe tilted as I looked into those eyes, and even then I knew I would marry her.  _
> 
> _ She came into Watto’s shop one day with her Uncle hoping to find parts for their car which had broken down on their way through town. Watto, being the worm he was, promised them the parts and services if they were willing to pay. He could see an opportunity to drain the pockets of the wealthy from miles away. To my surprise, her uncle was not so easily persuaded and they agreed to pay for parts and labor and refused to pay for Watto’s moneyed speed. ‘I see no harm in staying in town for a few days,’ the uncle had said.  _
> 
> _ Knowing that the local motel was full and no place for a woman like her to stay, I offered them the spare bed in my mother’s and my apartment. It was cramped with the four of us in there but my mother in all her love did not complain.  _
> 
> _ It was during this time that Padme’s uncle learned of my love of sciences and offered me a space at the boarding school for gifted boys where he taught. Though she hated to see me go, my mother sent me off to the Jedah Academy where I spent the next six years of my life learning and often failing miserably, to become a young man. When my mentor, her uncle, Qui-Gon Jin passed on, his second, and already close friend, Obi-Wan Kenobi took over. It was during this time where our paths crossed again.  _
> 
> _ Padme was as radiant as ever. Warm and soft and kind as she had been those years prior. She remembered me with a smile and called me Ani as she had before. Though I was just a young man, barely eighteen, and she was nearly six years my elder, our connection was instant and unwanted by those around us. She was a senator’s daughter and unwed at her age, much to her father’s disappointment. Yet, I was still not a suitable match. I was still no one. I came from nothing. And though I had earned respect from my peers at Jedah and proven myself time and time again, I had yet to earn the respect of the elders. Obi-Wan disapproved as well, believing her to be nothing more than a boyish distraction. Though he, too, had eyes for a woman and hated when I referred to it. He thought himself subtle, but he was no more subtle than I.  _
> 
> _ We had only a short time together before we were soon separated by the war. My time at Jedah as well as my connections with Kenobi only hastened my rise through the ranks. We led a small group of commandos following the tides of the war throughout Europe, helping to change the tides of war. I thought of her every night. Kept a picture of her close to my heart and promised to come home to her. We wrote as much as we could, though letters were few and far between. She had balked at her father’s wishes to marry another and left for London, taking up a position in intelligence. Neither of us could speak much about our work, so we spoke of softer things. How I missed her. How I would lay awake in the night and stare at the stars and think of her. How the sky was blue or grey. How I wished to take her to a meadow and lay in the sun. And, after an incident on a beach with Kenobi, how much I hated sand.  _
> 
> _ She replied in kind.  _
> 
> _ Our paths crossed few times over the course of the war, but the longest moment was near a lake in Italy when I was on leave. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen in white. And though we had only us and a priest and a witness, that was all I needed. All I ever wanted.  _
> 
> _ When I kissed her that day I felt the same universe shift as I had on the day I met her. The same knowing and unknowing. A shift in our lives so powerful, I’ve pursued it again and again.  _
> 
> _ As I write this, the pursuit continues. Palpatine and I have made progress with these visions we share. Our team has finally come together with the funding necessary to study the rift and our minds. The power is there, just beneath the surface, and I am determined to find it. Kenobi has refused to join the team, but it will not matter.  _
> 
> _ I will find a way to save her. I will find a way to save my child. Even if I must cleave the universe in two to achieve it. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finished a chapter so you get a chapter! Every time I sit down with this story, I think of all there is still left to wrap up. I'm trying to find the right path where it doesn't feel like it's dragging out, but I can also wrap everything up. I'm hoping the pace will pick up here and I'm really excited about what's to come- we're going to be getting more into all the hidden secrets. And don't worry... Rey's father hasn't forgotten about her.


	43. Chapter 43

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "There now, steady love, so few come and don't go  
> Will you, won't you be the one I always know?  
> When I'm losing my control, the city spins around  
> You're the only one who knows, you slow it down…
> 
> It's always have and never hold  
> You've begun to feel like home yeah  
> What's mine is yours to leave or take  
> What's mine is yours to make your own...”
> 
> -Look After You, The Fray

He woke early in the morning with more than enough time to hop in the shower and head downstairs to start on breakfast and coffee. It was the least he could do for Maz letting him stay and there was something about caring for Rey that made his heart race. The house was quiet, the sky outside still dark, though there was a grey haze starting to seep into the world with the sunrise. It was the darkest time of the year, so there would only be a few hours of sunlight. 

He stopped to peer into Rey’s room and found her sprawled across her bed over the comforter. She was using one of the old books from the forest as a pillow with a mirror laying haphazardly on the bed beside her. Though it looked like she hadn’t been able to sleep in the night, Rey was in deep sleep. Ben gently pulled the book out from under her head and Rey groaned as she shifted to a different position. Ben hid the book away and pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead before returning the mirror to the bathroom.

What he would give to wake up with her again. To hold her close and wake her with gentle kisses. Her skin was so soft in the morning and she was so sleepy and relaxed. From there it’s a downward spiral till his thoughts are filled with nothing but her and the little noises she made under him in the cabin. 

Unable to keep his thoughts at bay, Ben jumped in the shower and took himself in hand. The freshest memories were of her in his bed keening under him as he made her come. The walls of her fluttering tightly around him. 

Ben groaned under the hot streams of water as the memory took him over the edge once again. He wanted to be near her, in her, beside her always. But that had become impossible with everything around them.

He knew he shouldn't complain. He knew that they were better off under the watchful protection of his parents and Maz and Chewie. Still, he misses the little home they carved out in the cabin, protected from the rest of the world. His daydreams lately had been filled with nothing but thoughts of pulling Rey into the Falcon and getting as far away from Republic as they possibly could. 

That wouldn’t happen though. It had been so hard for Rey to open her heart to Maz and his parents and her friends. She had looked so surprised and happy when she told him Maz wanted to adopt her. She belonged there. Rey deserved a family and love and Ben would never take that away from her. 

He knew if he even barely pushed the idea of running away together, Rey would agree. 

So, as much as he hated to agree, his parents and Maz were right. The wagons were circled and Rey was at the center of it all. He had to be the one to hold her steady. He would do whatever was necessary to keep her safe, even if it killed him. 

But there were so many unanswered questions. So many unknowns. Ben struggled to wrap his head around it. The visions, the secrets. His head had been quiet for a while now. Since the cabin. He had no desire to scribble down the pictures in his head, to capture the darkest parts of his psyche on paper. 

It wasn’t a relief. If anything he felt on edge, especially away from Rey, like something was changing in the shadows. 

Ben cut off the water and stepped out of the shower. He reached for a towel to dry off as his thoughts shifted to breakfast and the festival tonight. Rey was set to head to Rose’s right after school to get ready. Ben had been roped into helping his mother and Maz with last-minute festival preparations. He was grateful for the event as it meant his mother hadn’t had time to force him into talking about Rey or Snoke or any of it yet. He hadn’t gone to his last three sessions with Luke either and Ben was sure his mother wasn’t happy about that. 

Ben shaved away his patchy morning stubble and cleaned the blade before toweling off the rest of the foam. 

His eyes glanced over a dark figure in the mirror. 

Ben froze, his head racing as he did a double-take. But the mirror was empty. He gripped the edge of the sink and took a deep breath. Just a trick of the light. 

It was nothing. 

It had to be nothing. 

Ben turned off the water and headed down to the kitchen to start coffee and breakfast. 

He had to be strong for her. 

...

School flew by. Most of his classes were spent preparing for finals and they were working on building portfolios in drawing. He hated working on things in school where anyone could see them. No one got to see his drawings until he decided they could. Even Mrs. Tico knew that she shouldn’t pry too much and that Ben would eventually show her his work when he was ready. 

Out of all the teachers in school, Mrs. Tico had been his saving grace. She was an amazing artist in her own right and could have made a living on her art, but teaching had drawn her in. He’d been taking as many of her classes each year as he could- some where it was just the two of them. Mrs. Tico was a true mentor, a gentle presence that never judged him for what he put down on the paper. She hadn’t even pressured him to look into art schools, though she had gently guided him in that direction. She had also given him paths that didn’t involve school, and there was a little agreement between them that Leia didn’t need to know everything. Apparently, Mrs. Tico’s father had been a principal in school and she knew the pain of over-involved parenting when it came to academics. 

He’d be sad to leave her and eternally grateful for the safe haven that was the art classroom. Especially since it had brought him Rey. 

Rey had woken all smiles at the plate of eggs and toast that he brought her but Ben could see the worry behind her eyes. Sometimes it was almost impossible to know what was going on in her head though he could see the thoughts turning violently behind her eyes. From the way she looked around for the book he had tucked away, Ben was sure her worry had something to do with that. 

_ “What did you find?” _

_ Rey worried her lip and pushed around her eggs before deciding on a bite of toast. “Our grandfathers worked together.” _

_ Ben took the notebook she pointed out to him and opened it to the first page of her scratchy handwriting. He frowned and skimmed over the words. “They knew each other?” _

_ Rey nodded. “From what I can tell so far… They were affected… Like we are. I think they were studying it. He goes into some theories like mass hallucination, shared psychosis. It’s hard to make out. Some of it is coded or just completely blacked out.” _

_ Ben flipped through the pages and stopped to look at some of the blacked-out text. “Do you think Anakin did it? Or someone else?” _

_ Rey shrugged. “Both maybe. If it was so secret. But not all of it looks the same- look.” _

_ She flipped through the pages and pointed out sections of blacked-out text. Some looked old like it was done in the original ink of the journal, but others looked newer. More like sharpie or magic marker.  _

_ The door to Maz’s room swung open and Ben quickly shoved the notebook under Rey’s blankets. Maz shuffled out of her room, hair in curlers and a robe wrapped around her short frame. She yawned deeply and blinked at us. “Morning, children.” _

_ “Morning, Maz.” Rey smiled softly.  _

_ “There’s coffee and eggs and toast on the stove if you want some.” Ben stood from the bed nervously. Maz didn’t seem to mind the fact that he was there, but he didn’t want to push his luck. The old woman’s face lit up at his mention of food.  _

_ “Bless you, boy. I might have to keep you around.” _

_ Maz shuffled off and disappeared down the stairs. Ben let himself relax a little and Rey turned her bright eyes to him. Her hand reached for his and Rey intertwined her small fingers between his larger ones. That was all it took for Ben to completely melt into her.  _

_ He knew he was doing it again. Letting her in. Caring far too much and trying to fix all her problems for her. He couldn’t fail this time though. He wouldn’t let anything bad happen to Rey. Ben wasn’t sure he would survive if something did.  _

“Whatcha thinking about?” Rey appeared at his side, wrapping her arms around his waist and pulling him out of his thoughts. Ben wrinkled his brow as he looked down at the spread of drawings before him. Five. He had to choose five to present to Mrs. Tico. 

“Not art.” Ben grunted.

Rey made a small noise of affirmation. “I can’t either. I’m better off just rolling a dice to choose my five.”

“No, you have a good eye.”

“I know. That’s how I know all mine are bad.”

“They’re not bad.” Ben groans inwardly as his voice betrays him. Art was not Rey’s forte and they both knew it. She accepted it. 

Rey laughed. “You’re starting to make me think you’re the one with the concussion.”

“They’re not… that bad.” Ben set down the still life drawing they had done of random objects from around the school. “You’re very beautiful and I love you.”

“You’re a scoundrel.” Rey rolled her eyes and grinned up at him. She looked a little lost and Ben knew she still didn’t quite believe him. At times he didn’t believe it either, but everything had changed so quickly. It was hard to process their short time together.

Rey looked over the pile of drawings in front of him and carefully sifted through the stack. She took her time looking at each one before selecting five. A landscape of rolling prairie, a lone woman looking out over the land. A landscape of a strange alien-looking desert city. A still life of a lone man drinking at a strange bar. A portrait of Rey. A portrait of Lily. It was hard to tell one reality from another.

“Are you sure?” Ben asked as Rey spread out the drawings over the small table. Their portfolios were going to be displayed in the lobby before the winter concert. It was bound to raise questions if people saw Lily’s face next to his name. 

Rey nodded and traced her fingers over the portrait of Lily. “I never knew her, but I feel like I did from the way you draw her. I know you loved her. Other people should know too.”

An ache rose in Ben’s chest. He’d never let himself rest after Lily’s death. He’d thrown himself into protecting Rey now that Snoke was gone. It would be far too painful to open those doors again. It would break him to pieces and Rey needed a whole person. He needed to be whole for her. 

Somehow Rey always knew. Somehow she understood him better than anyone in the galaxy. Somehow they were always meant to find each other. It was too much of a coincidence for it to not be fate. He didn’t understand how other people hopped from person to person, but maybe he was just lucky. All he knew, deep in his bones, was that Rey was it for him. There would be no one else. 

The thought should have been terrifying, but all Ben felt was immense comfort. Calm. More alive and grounded than he ever felt before. 

Ben pulled Rey close and left a gentle kiss on her head. “Are you excited for tonight?”

Rey groaned, but there was a smile on her lips. “Rose is going to put me through hell, but it will be worth it to see you in a tie.”

“I’m supposed to wear a tie?” Ben frowned at Rey but broke his act when she scowled at him. “I’ll wear a tie.”

He looked around the room and found most everyone else was listening to music or distracted. Mrs. Tico was bent over and in deep discussion with some sophomore girl who looked close to tears. 

Ben nuzzled close to Rey’s ear. “It’s a date. And you’re gorgeous. Plus, I have some ideas where a tie might come in handy.”

Rey flushed a deep red and cast a sheepish glance around the room before whispering. “Are you going to tie me up, Ben Solo?”

All the blood in his body drained south at the heated look in her eyes.  _ Fuck.  _ Like always Rey was two steps quicker to the draw. She seemed to take a special interest in torturing him. 

“Maybe. If you’re good tonight.” He had to figure out a way to get them away from the crowds and out of the eyes of his entire family. He missed her, though he had been sleeping not twenty feet from her for the last week. 

“What if I break the school record with our cart?” Rey countered. 

“You can’t bet on a sure thing.” Ben winked at her and Rey grinned. It had taken some convincing, but Han had finally agreed to let Rey drive the cart as long as she wore a helmet. Ben was too large to fit into the cart and they both refused to let anyone else touch it. 

A few minutes before the bell, Mrs. Tico collected their chosen portfolios and reminded them about the festival’s concert gallery. Ben and Rey wasted no time in hurrying out of the building and across the parking lot to the school shop. Today was finally test day. 

The shop buzzed with voices as they entered and more than a few eyes turned to watch them warrily. Snap glared worst of all, but was smart enough to keep his mouth mostly shut. He’d gotten two detentions from his shop incident, but Ben found himself wishing he’d given the guy a black eye or two. As if sensing his thoughts, Rey took Ben’s hand and led him to their shared desk at the side of the classroom. 

The bell rang again and Han stood from his perch on the high stool at the front. “Well, kids. It’s testing day.”

A cheer went up from the boys in the back. 

“I’ve already double-checked your engines and I’ve left a pint of gas with each of your bikes. You should all already know the rules. Each cart will carry the same weight of passenger and cargo. The goal is to go as far as you can on the gas given to you. You’ll each warm your engines for five minutes. That will be timed. Since it’s cold out, we’ll start in the garage. And I’ve cleared a path in the parking lot for us to follow. Questions. No? Good.”

Rey grinned broadly and bounced excitedly on her toes. It was the most excited he had seen her in a long time. He couldn’t help but smile. Rey Niima had his heart, his soul, and the rest of his life. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't forgotten, I swear. It has been a hot minute... And it will likely be another hot minute before there's more. 
> 
> I promise! It will be finished!
> 
> Follow Me On [Tumblr!](https://midnightartemis.tumblr.com/)

**Author's Note:**

> Check out my Spotify Playlists that inspired this work and are inspired by this work :) 
> 
> [Rey's Playlist](https://spoti.fi/2yKiBLx)
> 
> [Ben's Playlist](https://spoti.fi/3bgeYKK)
> 
> Follow Me On [Tumblr!](https://midnightartemis.tumblr.com/)


End file.
